I'm in love with my friend but it will never happen

[imsoinlovewithher]

Hello, I'm new to this so please be kind lol

 

Ok here goes...

 

I am totally in love with one of my friends. I am a girl and so is she. However, she is completely straight and I have only recently had doubts about my sexuality. I think I might be bi, but that really doesn't bother me at all. I don't really care what I am. The problem is that I love her so much and I know that I will never be with her. I think about her all of the time and it is starting to affect my everyday life. I can't sleep for thinking about her and it's getting worse. I've only known her for about 5 months and I've known that I'm in love with her for only about a month. I denied it up until then.

It's starting to affect my friendship with her, which is really bad because I really really value her friendship, it means the world to me.

 

I've never had much luck with friends and she is the first proper good friend I've had in about 6 years. I have other friends but I don't often see them outside of college because they never really seem to want to go out. I've never had the kind of friendship with anyone where you can hug eachother and stuff.

 

So when I made friends with this girl who I love, emma, i was so happy because I thought I was going to get that sort of close friendship. But it never really happened. I mean we see each other every weekend and txt most days and see eachother most days at college but I'm so constantly trying to work out how she sees our friendship and trying to do things that just a friend would do that I can't just enjoy having a good friend. I want to phone her every day and see her every day and ask her round and do things for her and tell her how great she is, but I know that I can't because that's not what just a normal friend would do?

 

I'm sorry if i'm not making much sense.

 

Basically, I love this girl so much but she will never love me back. I'm very insecure about our friendship and I would love to know how she sees our friendship. I don't want to tell her how I feel in case I lose her as a friend and I feel like I need her soo much. But I'm going insane. When I'm with her I can't just relax and have fun, I'm looking at her body language and trying to figure out what she's thinking. I think she's noticed lately that I'm acting a bit strange.

 

What makes it more difficult is that another one of her friends fancies her. (she told me about it) and she got really freaked out by it and by her own admission says she now kind of avoids seeing this other girl. She's not homophobic or anything, she just got freaked out by this other girl fancying her cos she would touch her leg and stuff. (obviously i don't do stuff like that). So I don't want her to find out what I think of her incase she starts avoiding me cos she's freaked out.

 

I really really don't know what to do. I want to get over her but I need her in my life to be a friend. I want to know what she thinks of our friendship.

 

I'm going crazy with it, it's starting to take over my life. I keep getting jealous of her best friend, who she's known for years too. They keep talking about stuff they've done when I'm there and it makes me feel so down.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, I hope somebody can help me.

[Vert]

If you know that she will never love you then you need to let her go and acknowledge that she will never be more than a close friend. If you come out to her and try to get physical, it is possible that she will be highly offended and upset -- this would be far worse for you because now you lose a friend too.

 

You also mention that you are still unsure of your sexuality -- are you basing all of that on this one girl? If so, you might need to do a little more soul searching and find out if it's just some random infatuation or do you really want to have a same sex relationship?

[imsoinlovewithher]

How do I let her go? I try hard not to think about her but I just can't help it.

I'm worried that she'll work out herself that I fancy her cos I end up acting so strange, kind of quiet and far too deep in my own thoughts when i never used to be like that. It's just getting worse with time.

 

I'm not basing my sexuality just one this one girl, there was another girl I had a crush on and I do see girls and I think wow. But I do that with lads too. But like I said, I'm really not bothered what I am, I'm just going to let time run its course and see where I end up. Although, I do see myself having a family in the future but I don't know, I'm only 17!

 

I would never get physical with her and I never have done, in fact I always pull away when she goes to touch me and stuff cos I'm angry at myself for feeling the way I do. I go and get friend but I can't act normal around her and enjoy myself because I go and bloody have these hugely strong feelings for her. It just sucks.

[NKP]

i have been in your shoes i was well stil am in-love with her. i say tell her if you trust her, it is the best if you do tell her you wont lose her friendship. i told the girl im in-love with she is still a good friend and she was gald that i told her the truth. so just tel her how your heart feels about her. good luck. if ya ever need to talk you can talk to me anytime okay

[Managor]

i say tell her if you trust her, it is the best if you do tell her you wont lose her friendship

 

I wouldn't always count on that.. I've made that assumption twice, and both times the friendship went pretty quickly downhill from about there.

 

OP, just be careful, even if they're not homophobic, having anyone like you, regardless of the gender (though often doubly so in this case), can be scary to a lot of people.

 

Also, don't be angry at yourself for you how feel. You can't help it. And if, later on in life, you decide you want someone to be your wife, there are a few options for having children such as adoption and artificial insemination by an anonymous donor, so you shouldn't rule that option out.

[TalkTalk]

What makes it more difficult is that another one of her friends fancies her. (she told me about it) and she got really freaked out by it and by her own admission says she now kind of avoids seeing this other girl. She's not homophobic or anything, she just got freaked out by this other girl fancying her cos she would touch her leg and stuff.

 

Sounds to me like an "I'm not homophobic except when they're hitting on me" type of deal here.

 

Anyway, if you really like her, do try and move the friendship along, get closer to her. Basically, just seconding all the advice already given. ^_^ Good luck!

[imsoinlovewithher]

Thanks for you advice.

 

I'm not going to tell her and she's not homophobic. She'd known for about three years that this other girl liked her and it just hit her suddenly one day and she was like oh my god. At first she said she just thought it was quite funny.

 

Anyway, me and this girl and one of my other friends are going out tomorrow. Which is fine, but I have these total jealous feelings. I think I'm terrified that my friend is going to steal the girl I love away from me. I know it's probably stupid to feel like that but it's really bad.

 

It's normally just me and the girl I love going out together and now my friend is kind of joining in the group and im so worried that the girl i love will like my friend better and i will lose her.

 

Am I being totally irrational? Should I talk to the girl I love about it?

[Managor]

Whether or not you decide to do that's up to you. Are you thinking about telling her just so that she knows what you're going through, or for other reasons? It's normal to feel jealous even if the jealousy isn't really realistic, maybe when you feel jealous try and remind yourself how close you and your friend are.

[imsoinlovewithher]

Im thinking of telling her so that she knows why I don't ask my friend to come along to places me and this girl go. Also, I know she can tell something's up when I hear her and my friend talking about this one time when my friend went to this girl's house. I can't help but go all quiet and find it hard to laugh along and smile cos these jealous angry feelings rage inside me.

 

Also, I'm kind of hoping that if I tell her that im scared of losing her to my friend, she'll reassure me and I really really need some reassurance cos i am insecure about our friendship.

 

Yeh, I do quite quickly get over my jealous feelings and go back to normal but its every time she mentions anyone i get so jealous.

[Deviant_Kate]

Maybe you should just start by telling her that you think you're bisexual. See how she reacts to that alone, without knowing how you feel about her. Then, perhaps give it a few days, and maybe you'll feel comfortable saying "I think I have a crush on you." I'm not suggesting that it's only a crush - I'm simply suggesting that you tell her only a little bit at a time so that 1) you don't overwhelm her, and 2) you can see her reactions and figure out if she's going to freak out or not. With my current girlfriend, when we were just friends, I'd had a crush on her for weeks (she already knew I liked girls), and one night when we were hanging out at about 2 a.m., she did something adorable and I said "you'd better watch out, or I'm going to end up having a crush on you." She surprised me by telling me that she already had a crush on me I wish you the same kind of luck!

[pianoguy]

I'msoinlove- I was in a VERY similar situation a couple of years ago. I'd like to share my story with you, how it turned out, and some advice.

 

I was friends with the boy I fell for, John, before I crushed on him, for about a year. He asked me to move in with him sophomore year and I did, I thought it would be fine since I didn't have feelings for him at the time. After living with him for a few weeks I fell very hard for him (he had these beautiful emerald green eyes and was very tall and skinny.)

 

I lived with him for another year, in the same house but not the same room. He was straight as an arrow and very religious, so I never told him my feelings. I became repressed and angry, extremely depressed and withdrawn, all motivation left my life. Eventually we parted ways when he graduated and left the country to do missionary work. After he left I again became very sad and withdrawn, I felt as though I had been dumped even though I wasn't in a relationship.

 

After a another semester of extreme lonliness I met a wonderful man online, who lives 2 blocks away, and I have been in a great relationship with him since February.

 

Anyways, I wasted alot of time on John. He was a good friend at first, but after the feelings developed there wasn't any way we could maintain our friendship in a normal way, as time we spent together made me want to cry.

 

My advice then:

 

I STRONGLY urge you to find someone with whom you can dicuss the situation, a completely platonic friend that you trust fully. For me, I had a series of non-romantic girlfriends that sustained me through all those times, and my mom was a huge source of support. Find someone, it is a huge help.

 

If there is absolutely no chance of a relationship with your friend then it is best, I think, to try and separate yourself from her. Your friendship is already effectively altered and won't be the same. Unless you really think you can weed out those romantic feelings and go back to being "just friends" which is difficult.

 

Try and make other friends for dating purposes, explore the gay community in your area, make openly gay friends, etc. etc.

 

Hope this helps, feel free to ask more, I'll help as I can.

[imsoinlovewithher]

hey

 

thanks for sharing your experience.

Things have been looking up lately, I have been spending a lot of time with her but I've been more relaxed and although I fall in love with her more and more every day, I've kind of accepted that she will never feel the same.

 

I realised the other day that I definitely don't want to tell her that I like her because I thought one of my other friends had found out that I like her (long story) but I totally panicked and I realised that I never want anyone to know how i feel.

 

So I don't really have anyone to talk to. The friends who I am close enough to to tell something like this, are slightly homophobic and they all know her. I'd rather talk to someone who doesn't know her and couldn't drop me in it.

 

I'm doing my very best just to be a good friend to her. Although, sometimes I worry because I think I'm doing too much and she'll guess that something's up. Like lately I've been going to college much earlier to meet her because she always gets the early and she's by herself for the next couple of weeks cos her other friend is down south. I'm going in for about 9.00 but I don't normally have a lesson until 11.15. But I just want to see her.

 

I'm sorry I'm just babbling. But what I'm trying to say is that lately I've been getting better friends with her, getting closer. And that makes me happy. But I'm worried about getting to a point where we can't get any closer and I just feel like I'm missing something. But I don't know if that will happen.

 

As long as I feel like I'm close with her, I seem to be happy and my feelings for her don't bother me. But then I know that you can't feel close to someone indefinitely can you?

 

oh god I'm so confused.

 

I need to decide on Universities and stuff and I want to stay local because she is. If she wasn't here, I would probably consider going away for Uni. Which I know I shouldn't let her influence my decision so much but is it not the same as just having a really good friend? You would want to still be near them?

 

I don't feel ready to go to any gay bars or anything, I'm very confused about my sexuality. I'm attracted to some girls but it's not really strong and I get atrracted to guys, but that's not strong either. I dunno.

 

I get confused about what I'm doing out of friendship and what I'm doing out of being totally in love with her. The lines blur and that's when I get confused about how I'm supposed to act. That's my main problem I think. And the jealousy.

 

Oh god

 

I'm sorry I've just randomly wrote a pile of poo. It's more getting it off my chest but if anyone has a clue what I'm on about any advice would be great.

[xoxevanescencexox]

Well.if.you.tell.her...would.it.make.you.happy.to.know.that.

your.friendship.might.change?

I.really,really.liked.this.one.girl.and.I.told.her.I.loved.her.

more.then.just.a.friends.and...(5mouths.ago)

she.still.thinks.im.in.love.with..her..

Like.Deviant_Kate says.just.tell.her.your.bi...

But.you.really.dont.wanna.lose.her.as.a.friend.so...

What.I.do.best.to.get.over.someone.just..dont.talk.to.them.

for.a.little.it.took.me.a.week.not.to.talk.to.my.old.crush..

But.thats..me....

So..talk.to.her.and.say.what.do.you.see.are.friendship.as?

 

Well.thats.all.I.can.help.

I.hope.it.helped

[pianoguy]

So I don't really have anyone to talk to. The friends who I am close enough to to tell something like this, are slightly homophobic and they all know her. I'd rather talk to someone who doesn't know her and couldn't drop me in it.

That's ok. I really think that you should start looking for more/other friends, though. In this day and age there are loads and loads of people who have realized that homosexuality is perfectly normal and don't have the slightest problem with it. I would wager that alot of your friends who you suspect of being homophobic would probably have no problem with it.

 

This forum is a great place for support but it's even better in real life, seek out liberal people who can support you.

 

I'm doing my very best just to be a good friend to her. Although, sometimes I worry because I think I'm doing too much and she'll guess that something's up. Like lately I've been going to college much earlier to meet her because she always gets the early and she's by herself for the next couple of weeks cos her other friend is down south. I'm going in for about 9.00 but I don't normally have a lesson until 11.15. But I just want to see her.

Let's back up for a second- think of some friend you don't have feelings for. Would you get to school that early just to see them? Probably not. You're doing this more out of your romantic feelings. It's okay, but just realize that you're not doing this just out of friendship purposes.

 

I need to decide on Universities and stuff and I want to stay local because she is. If she wasn't here, I would probably consider going away for Uni. Which I know I shouldn't let her influence my decision so much but is it not the same as just having a really good friend? You would want to still be near them?

Again, you probably wouldn't base a decision for Uni on a friendship if you only had platonic feelings. You definitely should not let this girl influence where you're going to school, you should base that on academics, region of the country, feel of the campus, scholarship opportunities, etc. etc. I think it's really important that you look beyond local schools for college. Ultimately, if this girl is straight then nothing is going to happen and you'll be left with feelings of frustration and unhappiness. And, trust me, you can still maintain your friendship long distance, in fact it's often easier because the romantic feelings sometimes fade.

 

I don't feel ready to go to any gay bars or anything, I'm very confused about my sexuality. I'm attracted to some girls but it's not really strong and I get atrracted to guys, but that's not strong either. I dunno.

That's okay, I'm 100% gay and have never been to a gay bar.

 

I'm sorry I've just randomly wrote a pile of poo. It's more getting it off my chest but if anyone has a clue what I'm on about any advice would be great.

Don't apologize, that's what we're here for.

 

The thing I'm most concerned about is your college decision. Basing your decision on a relationship that mostly likely does not exist and will not exist is a very, very bad idea. Until you actually go out with this girl don't let that influence your decision.

[gigglyfreedom]

hey!by the way..why get angry at yrself for the way you feeel?? really, ive been in a VERY similar situation and there is NO POINT in feeling mad at yrself. its pretty ironic if u think about it that yr more likely to lose her friendship perhaps by continually 'pulling away' or not showing too much 'interest in her'. plus, shes bound to end up asking u whats wrong..and if she doesnt..these can actually be dead give-aways. Listen, why are u mad at yrself for it? (i currently have a massive crush on my same-sexed friend and im not mad at myself for liking her). I cant afford to be, and if u look deep within yrself, yll see that u cant either. Yre a special person and you have to respect yrself. A great part of that constitutes not torturing yrself for feelings you have no control over. Also, please dont forget that yr feeling a feeling that is natural and universal and NORMAL (a feeling that, u never knw, she mite be feeling tooo!) .

 

Life is too short for u to be getting mad at yrself for feeling the best thing yll ever feel. hey, ive just Pm'd u..with a longer version of advice..do read GL!

[imsoinlovewithher]

hi

 

I'm really struggling with my feelings today. I just dunno wot to do, I've been looking for ppl to talk to about it but i've had no luck.

 

I really feel like I can't live without her but I'm getting frustrated, down, angry because I'm thinking about her all the time. I'm really trying to get over my feelings of jealousy but they keep rearing their ugly head.

 

I really dunno wot to do.

[backinlife]

Hi!

 

I am getting a lot of help in the "getting back together" section, so I felt I should look around whether I can give back. And I think I have something for you...

 

I was in a very similar situation 4 times so far. And I want to say something about sexual confusion too.

 

I was equally confused about my sexuality as you are. Now I made peace with the idea that it is kind of strange and hypocritical how people talk about love in terms of gender. We talk about personality, character, charisma and other features when we talk about true love. People who don't see the soul of people but judge according to looks and other surface stuff are generally said to be superficial and hollow. Well, isn't it then also hollow to pretend that we fall in love according to a person's gender???? (In my opinion gender is really a very small part of the whole person). So I made peace with the fact that for me gender is not a deciding factor when picking my partners. So much about how I tried solving this confusion.... Sometimes I am still struggling, and so are people that are close to me, but this take makes me feel comfortable enough.

 

Now to my 4 experiences with falling in love with a friend

 

Girl A (met her 1991):

We met at a Basketball training camp and went to high school together. I was 13, she was 14. We developed a friendship and got very close. All of a sudden I started feeling in love with her and all the side effects you mention. Being jealous of other friends reacting strange when she fancied a boy, being possessive, going out of my way for her, writing letters and all.... short: I was in love. And I slowly started to realize this. At the age of 16 I told her very carefully. This means I checked her take on same sex love first by raising the topic. Eventually I came out to her. I could see in her eyes that she was running the movie in her head of how many times we had cuddled, seen each other naked, and when she could have led me on unconsciously. Well after talks and all she was ok, but said she is not like me and could never do it. We went on a holiday together, and cuddled at night, it got a little too far for her taste. She freaked out and didn't talk to me for a year (!). It was hard for me. Very much so. When I was 17 I went into a restaurant with friends, and to my surprise she was then the manager there. She was nice to me and asked if I wanted to go back to her office and talk. She invited me home with her after her shift, said we have a lot to catch up on. So I was happy (mostly cause of the friendship, the love part was well suppressed by me). From that night on we were inseparable again and shortly after decided to move in together. We were really close friends. On weekends she would be away to take flying lessons and whenever I could I came with her. Then, one night on such a weekend, we both got drunk and she started hitting on me. I told her that if she doesn't want to risk it, she had to stop, but she said she is very ready to risk it. We had strange sex, very strange. It was good; don't get me wrong, but weird. You know someone so well, for 7 years and then u see a completely different side on them that was hidden. Nothing bad, but also strange. She moved out of our apartment after that. I was really hurt, but for her it was easier with the flying lessons. She met a guy, got with him. I felt even worse, but what did I expect? We still met and hung out, less than before though and eventually I moved to another city. We had low contact in that time. After a year, she decided to move to the same city (she wanted to study there and had nothing to do with me). It was fun to hang out again, but seeing her with yet another boyfriend was still weird for me. Eventually they broke up. She was sleeping at my place a lot after that. And it happened again. But this time, my love for her was gone; it was fun, but nothing more than that. Ever since nothing has changed, we are incredibly good friends. And I am happy with that.

 

Girl B (started 1998)

I met another girl when I was 20, Girl B. She was gorgeous, man so beautiful. We started to hang out. Had a lot of fun. I would take an earlier train everyday just to meet her. We spent a lot of time together. I fell in love very fast and intense. After 1 year I confessed my love, after I had gotten so jealous when she met a guy and dated him. She was understanding and all, but she told me she would never consider it. I was so down, I can't even tell you. How can she have not seen the signs? She loved spending time with me, how can she not feel how I felt? It took me a while till I stopped crying. Despite what she had said, she continued cuddle with me, and loved it when I touched her. So it became a habit that we had evenings in bed, just touching each other (it was always at the border of still being platonic, but didn't cross the line). I loved those evenings. Eventually I moved to another town. We kept calling each other and I kept visiting for weekends. Over Christmas break we went snowboarding together and again felt this attraction. (Even she had admitted by that time that she felt something weird too, unexplainable, but never the less, it was there). On that snowboarding trip we were standing outside in the cold and our faces were so close and I thought to myself " what the hell, I will try to get her tonight, if it works, fine, if it doesn't I won't ever try again and give up." So I kissed her, very cautiously. And she kissed me back!!!! I cannot even tell you how happy I was. We went back in, sat some minutes with other friends and went to bed soon after. It was one of the best nights in my life. We did it all night long. Next day we openly snuggled in the car on the way to the slope, and I was happy. Sure I was scared she would move away from me now and couldn't handle it, sure I was scared that I wouldn't be able to deal with it that for her it was a one time thing and she can't consider me. But it was all right. We stayed friends, sometimes joked about it even. Then I got with Girl C. After that was over, much later A guy got her (Girl B) pregnant and left her shortly after that, so I helped her out. I stayed with her when the baby was born. It felt like a little family and she started calling me the kids "daddy" with a wink. I had to soon leave again for studying, but it was a nice time. We love each other very much, even had sex once more, but its now more a deep and conscious relationship, very caring, but also very free, and platonic.

 

Girl C (started 2002)

I met her in Bangkok. She was a colleague and we would stay there for the same period, 6 months. She was a beautiful woman, adorable, sporty, and smart. I fell in love with her immediately, I knew by now how it feels. We started getting very attached, very close, we worked together well. On a trip back from a rip to the beach south I started touching her a little while we were on the dark night bus. We reached Bangkok late at night and hurried to get home, clearly with one intention.... We had a great night. After that she stated that this was new for her and she needed to think, and I lied to her by telling her I had never felt this way before and it was as new to me. Hmmmm, I couldn't tell her the truth, I was scared she would hate me for not saying it before. Well, we somehow never clarified what was going on. She was on business trips all the time and asked me to come over for weekends, so I flew to her on a weekend. She picked me up at the airport, went for dinner with me, took me home (the bed had been mad with a lot of effort) and started to undress me saying she had missed me like crazy. Whow, what a feeling....We went on trips, had a great time, developed like a relationship, made plans for her to move to where I lived..... It was great. We also went on a holiday at the end of our stay in Bangkok. There we had a fight out of nowhere. She told me she can't do that, she doesn't even know how to tell her friends, she can't handle dating a woman and so on. I was crushed. The pain I can't even tell you. I sat down in a train for 20 hours to get back to my apartment, I remember none of these 14 hours, I didn't even cry I think, I was not enough to cry. She came by my apartment to get some things later and then she left for Germany. Ever since there was not much contact, some emails back and forth, nothing much. I look at her pics and I have no bad feelings anymore. Great woman and I had a great time with her. In fact I just wrote her to check on her... great girl, really.

 

Girl D (started 2004)

Gird D was different, she wasn't a friend. After having suffered so much from being in love with girls who were straight, I figured I had to date girls that were like me in order to not get hurt…. This girl studied with me, and she stated she was bisexual… also she was good looking. I have to say now that I wasn't very attracted to her before I knew about her orientation, but I was also not really on the lookout at that time. What prevented me more was that she had a boyfriend. So I thought about it and then disregarded it again. Well, the story would end here, if she would have done the same….She sneaked into my room one day while we did this semester in South Africa and stayed in the dorm. She said she only wanted to cuddle; she had trouble with her boy. So we cuddled and after a while we started making out. We had great sex that night (she was experienced and I had never had anyone that had done it with a girl before basically). Next day she stated that her boy had huge problems with her bisexuality and she had had this little adventure with me to say good bye to girls for ever. I was having none of it! I liked the sex, we were in South Africa for 4 months together, and I wanted to have fun. So I sneaked into her room more and more frequently, seduced her had a great time. Her boy broke up with her, and she never considered me, even despite that. She said she was not ready for a relationship with a girl, just fun. She wouldn't want to have her family know and all that, she simply didn't want the trouble. So I was a little hurt. After South Africa we had a break from the studies and we called each other frequently. She even said she was considering us, she missed me and all. So I gained hopes and let go of whatever was holding me back, I fell in love with her. After a month we went to India (its all part of a crazy master's program, so don't get confused) when I saw her standing there in India, I had just arrived and I was still jet lagged, it was magic. Our eyes met and the whole chemistry was there. Whow. We moved into the same dorm. Started platonic, but soon fell back into old patterns. I confessed my love to her, said I wanted to be with her, but she tried to avoid the topic. On the other hand she was as much all over me as I was all over her. After a couple of months she started dating a guy… and I was so hurt. I slept in front of her door crying, I went nuts. I got over her after a couple of weeks, I mean not completely, but I was back to functioning. On Valentines Day I went to buy her flowers, I don't know to date why I did that, and at the flower shop I met the man of my dreams. I was very happy in this relationship and we wanted to get married, but after a great year, I now cheated on him with girl D. He says I did it because when I met him I was not over her and always subconsciously treated him as second choice, he might be right. I broke all ties with Girl D immediately, but it couldn't be saved…. I am devastated and feel worse than about the breakups with Girls A, B, C, and D added. (This is my post about the breakup, if you are interested)….

 

After years, Girl B considered that she might have been happy with me, and recently she said she would move in with me. Girl D was devastated when I left and she regretted not having tried with me. That shows that – in retrospect – when they have dealt with issues, - people are able to look beyond all the societal stuff and actually are able to look at how much happiness they could have gained. But well, that doesn't help you now.

 

Now let's analyze all this:

 

All of the girls I fell in love with eventually gave it a try sexually, but never fully committed to me. Even the bisexual girl didn't have the guts. Honestly, even I wouldn't know if I would commit to a girl fully, it does have disadvantages, societal, parents-wise and children-wise. That is the trouble with us bisexuals (I assume that's what you are, but I am myself not happy with the labels). If we find a man that is equally good, we would leave any girl for him. Just because it is so much easier.

 

I can very well understand what you feel right now. You might even think you love her so much it can be enough for both of you. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to be with someone all the time, wanting to touch someone so badly, want them to share your feelings. You must think life is completely unfair. I know the feeling. What you have to consider though is, that your friend is probably not ready for this. You would have to be so much better than any man in order for her to consider you. And for her it seems completely impossible to even think that she might be attracted to you. She doesn't even consider it. (To really find out about that you would have to confront her with your feelings and then give her a lot of time to think about whether this is an option, and I am talking years here…)

 

You are saying that your love is affecting your friendship. That means that you have to either move away from it (and she will want an explanation for that most likely), or that you need to be incredibly strong and let her go. This will be a hard thing to do, but you can grow with this task.

 

The point is, all the fighting won't help if she is not interested. In your place, I would tell her how I feel, let her decide what she wants to do with that, and then support her in any way. If it's too much for her and she wants distance, give it to her if she asks you to stay friends, be a friend. Don't expect anything else than she can offer, but stick to her decision, completely, even if she doesn't. Don't get angry at her, she doesn't do it against you. From the moment she has made a decision how to handle things, you are the one in control and making sure you keep the relationship at exactly the level she said she wanted. This is incredibly hard. But you love her. You will get an incredibly strong person coming out of this. And this way you can keep your self-respect and your integrity.

 

If you can't tell her, get away from her. Someone you can't share things like this with can't be a friend in the long run. Furthermore you are treating her bad by keeping this secret. It really concerns her, so she should know. She has a right to decide for herself. Of course there is a risk in telling her, but secretly admiring her and pretending you are just a friend will at some point makes YOU feel bad. And it will cost you a lot of your self-esteem. Whenever I told my friends, I never got bad feedback. Of course they were surprised, had to think about it first, but reactions were never bad. All of them were more caring afterwards, asked themselves if they were leading me on for example. It feels so refreshing when it's finally out. And from then on, your friend will be aware and also responsible for her action towards you.

 

This was a long long answer, I am sorry, it just all had to come out. I know how much you are hurting

 

Mona

[imsoinlovewithher]

thanks for sharing your experiences with me.

 

I would tell her if her friendship didn't mean so much to me. But sometimes I think i should just go ahead and tell her cos I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I'm going a bit insane! I know I'm going to be jealous when her friend gets back from holiday, I haven't got a clue what I will do if she gets a boyfriend or anything!

 

She's affecting my university decision, my decision not to go out drinking with other friends (cos she doesn't drink). But I'm happy to do all this for her but overall I just get frustrated. So I should really tell her.

 

Would it be selfish to at least enjoy the summer with her first? Cos I think once I tell her we won't be half as good friends any more.

What if she already knows? How do you tell if someone already knows that you like them?

 

I'm really really gonna need her next year tho, totally. I don't think I'll get through it without her. Although, I have kind of pushed other friends aside in a way to be with her. Kind of.

 

But I can't keep going on like this.

 

How should I tell her? How do you say something like that?

 

What if she completely freaks out and doesn't ever speak to me again? How will I cope then, I don't think I could. Going through what I'm going through now is ten million times better than that.

 

Can you fall out of love with someone? Might I one day just not have these feelings for her any more?

[girlie219]

I am in the same situation as you and I am straight.

 

But do you think you might feel this way about her because of your lack of good friendships in the past? You don't mention anything about liking her sexually.

 

This is the situation for me...i havent had bad friendships but when I met the friend I have an infatuation with i couldnt get her out of my head. We did click really well, but then when i think about it there are plenty of other people i click with very well too, and maybe i am putting her on a bit of a pedestal when she needn't be there.

 

What I'm trying to say is..i think you possibly need to widen your horizons with friendships. This girl sounds like an extremely good friend but you can make other good friends too. Maybe you really like her because you're just a bit too grateful for her offering to be your friend.

[imsoinlovewithher]

hi well its been a while since ive posted anything on this thread. A lot has happened. But what girlie219 has said about just liking her because I haven't had really good friendships in the past. That is definitely something that I've been thinking about. But especially lately, I've realsied that I AM sexually attracted to her.

 

Right now I seem to be Ok with my feelings. We are really really really close as friends and, at the minute, I'm happy with that. I know that could, and probably will, change tho.

[DjWhat]

I can so relate with "i'msoinlovewithher" Only difference i guess is i'm 19, and ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I'm Bi and completely infatuated with my best friend. shes so pretty and smart and every time i see her i just want to hold her. She knows i'm bi and shes fine with it. Sometimes I get vibes that maybe shes attracted to women as well. and its really confusing because i'm too shy to just flat out ask. anyways i just really need someone to talk to, i joined this forum for that reason just a few days ago and i dont really know how to use the site yet.. Just wondering if theres an instant message thing i could use to talk to someone?

[soconfused101]

Dj...you can PM people on the forum...it lets you talk to people privately, like in an e-mail. Feel free to PM me, just click on my user name and click send PM.

 

I'm infatuated with my best friend, and too shy to do anything. Talking to people via PM has really helped me a lot, so I hope I can help you!

[Mike88]

Backinlife...Great Post.. I wish I had good times like that lol.

[girlie219]

My friend doesn't live near me because she's a friend from uni, I miss her so much I can hardly bear it. But if she did live near me I would find it hard too i think, its a no-win situation