How to keep her

[afraidofloosingher]

My wife and I will be married for 16 years them June and this last month she has told me about a one night stand that she had 13 years ago that may have resulted in the birth of my son. She also told me that she is going to go see an old boyfriend that she has never stopped loving and may not return home to me.

First of all the one night stand did not come as a great shock though it does hurt terribly and I know that my son is mine not his.

Second, I can understand her feelings about the boyfriend because things have not always gone the way I wanted them to and I have been a total jerk and * * * concentrating on work, home and the kids that I have neglected her and in many cases, to my greatest regret, have lost my since of mind and been abusive.

I know I can not take the abusive ness away but am committed to counseling, anyone know of a good online counselor by the way?

My question is, how can I keep my wife that I love more than life and convince her to come back home to me when she goes to see her old boyfriend?

I am desprite and can hardly eat or sleep worring about what I can do and what may happen. So I am preading for some adivce in this matter.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

btw my husband is asking this, so you know its him. I suggested this site for him since you all have helped me alot. Wanda

[CarterJonas]

Are you two man and wife?

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

yes we are.

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't think it's very constructive for both of you to be seeking help with your marriage on an anonymous site like eNotalone when you both know each other's username and are looking over the other person's shoulder. This has a high potential to turn into a he said/she said debate.

 

If you two want to work on your relationship together, then you should do it with a professional counselor in person.

 

And this has been said many times many ways already - for god's sake get a DNA test already!

 

If you can't afford one, I'm sure link removed

[Dako]

You both must have feelings for each other, or you wouldn't post together like this.

Your marriage is certainly worth seeing a marriage counselor in his office, no matter the cost. Something kept you together all these years, and if you both value that, you deserve it for yourselves and each other.

 

The grass isn't always greener, and a divorce is wrenching in unforeseen ways. It's worth trying to work it out, believe me.

I wish you well.

[afraidofloosingher]

I don't need a DNA test to prove he is my son. I have raised him for 12 years and he is everything I am and more. Genetics does not make a father love does.

We are not trying to hide anthing from each other as well. That is the purpose of posting together. We are just looking for some helpfull advice. I know that people say to go to couselors but we have fond that conselors don't alway help but in some cases are harmful and still cost money and we are currently not financially able to take on a counselor.

[afraidofloosingher]

By the way. Thanks for the posting. I may not totally agree but I appreciate your responce.

[Dako]

I can understand being put off by counselors if it didn't help you.

 

In time you'll get a number of responses here.

Some of the wiser folks (including someguy) here may come up with some good advice.

[afraidofloosingher]

Thanks for your responce but a couselor is currently not possible. We are struggling to keep our house and feed the kids until my pay status improves. Plus to find a good couselor is not very easy. I have a niese and nephew that are physicolgist and they tell me about some of the counselor out there.

I do feel as you do that we are not a wash out but have a lot of work to do. Especially ME!

[RandomAdvisor]

Has she changed her mind then? My understanding from her recent threads was that she has already made the decision to leave you because she doesn't love you anymore, and wanted to be with her ex Bf, who she believes to be her soulmate and the father of her child.

[afraidofloosingher]

I don't know if she has or not. I personally believe that she love me but with my actions in the past is confused about the issue. I feel responsible because it is like it took something extremely valuable and tossed it aside without thinking what it really ment to me. So now I am trying to pull it out of the trash and put it in a special place to protect but don't quite know how to do that. Hence the posting to try and get some advice on how I can do that to convice her of my love for her and to rekindle that flame in her again.

[RandomAdvisor]

Well, you can only make a sincere effort, do your best to change and meet her halfway. However, if she chooses not to meet you half way and wants out of the relationship for some reason (like wanting to get back together with her "friend") then there is nothing you can do.

 

I don't understand how you can admit you have abusive tendencies and yet rule counseling out as an option. If not for the both of you as a couple, why not for you yourself? Do you have insurance that would cover it? Any free services provided in your area that you haven't looked into?

[afraidofloosingher]

I have not ruled out couseling and am currently looking for one that I can afford and work with. I have no insurance that would cover it and our expenses right now prevents me from being able to afford one. There is a county mental health clinic that I will try if I can't find anything but that is a distance away and cost of gas is a major problem. I am also contiplating discussing it with my niece that deals with family issue to see if she knows of anyone that can help.

[Hope75]

Welcome to enotalone.

 

I can only tell you from your wife's previous posts, that she does not seem commited to working things out with you. In her past posts she has stated demands she has made of you, such as you accepting her going to see this other man, and accepting that your son is not yours without a paternity test. To be honest it really isn't fair for her to expect you to accept this. I don't know any married men who would be OK with his wife getting back in touch with her ex lover, whom she cheated with.

 

She has also said she does not feel that she loves you and that she has thought of this other man since the affair. On this forum, she has shown little to no remorse for cheating.

 

Myself and other posters have given her the advice that if she truly wants to work things out with you, she is going to need to put in the effort alongside you to make this work, and that means not re-establishing a relationship with her ex lover in jail, and respecting that it is unfair to you to expect you to accept that and be OK with it.

 

So far, she has not made any comments to the affect that she will work on the relationship with you, which to me makes it a lost cause. No one can carry a relationship by themselves, it takes both parties to make a relationship work. Both parties have to want it, and be willing to put in the effort to make it work. You cannot do it all on your own.

 

If your wife shows you that she is willing to work on this marriage and give it a good, honest effort, I think you would both benefit from counseling, both together and separately. It's going to take alot to undo the damage your relationship has suffered already.

 

If your wife is not as willing as you are to leave this man in her past and work towards a future with you, it would seem in your best interest to let her go and get on with your life, do the best you can to be a good father to your children. Hopefully you can find someone who will love and respect you and treat you the way you deserve.

[annie24]

I strongly agree with Hope75. From reading your wife's previous posts, it does not seem that she is at all interested in working things out with you. She seems much more interested in her ex-boyfriend.

 

I think you should get the divorce ball rolling. I rarely ever say that, but given what she has written here on eNotalone, it does not sound like a marriage worth saving.

 

Go your separate ways.

[afraidofloosingher]

I appreciate all your postings, and I know a lot of what my wife has told you by what she has told me.

First is that my son to me is my son and my wife is not sure either since the day that she returned 13 years ago we made love on the couch and then a couple of times after that. The picture that she says is a dead ringer is one inwhich is his jail posting with beard and all while Christopher has genetice teath disorders that follows in my family and closly resembles all other members of my family when we were children.

I know I have not been a great husband and was distant but I got that way after years of trying to be close to her and she yelling at me to get the hell away.

I truly love my wife and am totally confused by how she has just reciently started letting me hold her again and then having this bomb dropped on me.

I know I need counseling and would be willing to do anything to keep my wife even after all the problems we have had.

I was with her when she went through her gambling phase and lost all the house money till we lost the house and disapeared for days on end.

I was with her when she went through drinking several cases of beer only to blame me on drinking them when she could not even walk up the stair.

I have tried to understand and knew it was a lot to do with me but I still love her and am willing to move forward but I don't think she want to.

I feel so lost at what to do I can not eat or even work. I just sit in my office and feel depressed.

Sorry for laying this on everyone but I just don't know what to do.

[melrich]

It is very strange you are both playing all this out in these forums. I assume you are reading each others posts?

 

I don't think this is the way to go about it. You two need to talk to each other and get professional help. I don't think it's really fair to ask for advice from members here that is potentially going to be read by both parties and potentially may upset one or the other parties.

 

You guys should really sit down and work out how you are going to go forward in this because this whole issue just seems to be stagnating.

[avman]

We are not a judge and jury here. Both of you laying your cases out in front of each other will do nothing except alienate you further from each other. We cannot make the decision who is more right and who is more wrong.

 

Personally I think it is pointless to try to save your marriage based on what I have seen so far. You both bring out the worst in each other and each of you lay the blame on the other person rather than accepting responsibility for yourself. And the one person who is hurt the most by all this drama is the child (regardless of who his birth father is). I have NEVER ONCE seen a post from either of you where you put the best interests of the child first and frankly that infuriates me.

 

If both of you are honestly serious about trying to save this marriage then for God's sakes go to a counselor. Do not use money as an excuse. There are countless counselors that do things on a sliding scale, houses of worship offer marriage counseling on a donation basis, and so on. A divorce will cost you way more than any counselor ever would.

 

And I urge you both to finally do something far less selfish than what I have seen thusfar. Put your child FIRST for a change. Consider what he is going through instead of just what you are going through. Take the time to determine paternity before going off on all these wild goose chases and prison visits. Understand how all of this is completely messing with his head and how much damage he's going to take as a result.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

We aren't playing games honestly. He wanted some others views, and i told him to come here.

[annie24]

We are not a judge and jury here. Both of you laying your cases out in front of each other will do nothing except alienate you further from each other. We cannot make the decision who is more right and who is more wrong.

 

I agree with avman. Coming here won't do you either much good. If you are really dedicated to saving this marriage, you should get counseling together. Like others said, you can even go to a house of worship for counseling at a lower cost.

[Bethany]

Get a DNA test and settle something in your lives once and for all. How you can both live with this uncertainty is beyond me. Just do it and find out the TRUTH.