my fiance broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I'm a mess

[bstrong2day]

Hello, I don't know where to start. I've told my story to so many people over the past couple of weeks, and have reached out for help. I'm not making any progress. It hurts to relive what is going on right now. It feels like a bad dream and I just want to wake up. I've never felt so alone, lost, desperate, and guilty in my entire life. My family and friends tell me I shouldn't feel guilty. They say that the conflicts leading up to the break-up weren't deal breakers. They say that she changed. If you love somebody, you work through things. I felt safe, I let my guard down, I was trying to make decisions and save for our future together. Now, it is all gone. My future, dreams, aspirations are all shattered. I am a pretty smart guy, and am usually great at putting things into perspective. This is my reality. Before Itry to pick up the pieces and move on, I'll spill my guts again for a little bit here. I'm 27, she's 25. She just graduated from Dental Hygiene school a few weeks ago. We have been together for over 2 and a half years, and engaged for a year. We met when I came out to visit some old friends from college. We clicked instantly, and became a couple, and best friends. We were in love, and after 6 months of long distance, I transferred from New York to to start the next chapter of my life in Arizona with her. It wasn't a rash decision. I had friends and family out here. We got along so well. I stuck by her side through thick and thin. I asked her to marry me last May, and she said yes. Things were great. Then, a few months later, my parents moved out to Arizona. Me being close to my parents has been a big problem for her. I went to them for advice whenever I had to make a big decision. That got her upset, because she wanted us to be making the decisions on our own as a couple. Her dad was going to buy her a house, and she asked me to live in it with her. I didn't feel comfortable with that, because I had no input into where it was or what they were looking for. So, I bought a one bed-room condo on my own that is still being built. She didn't want me to buy the condo. In the mean time, I've been very frugal with my money, trying to save for the down-payment of the condo. I even moved back in with my parents for the past couple of months to really save. I complained when I had to spend money, and splurged on a few items that I didn't really need. We were beginning to make wedding plans as she was nearing graduation. We ran into a few conflicts, because I'm Caucasion, raised Catholic and am from New York, and she's Asian, raised Buddhist, and from New Orleans. We aren't very religious, and there was room to compromise, but she was sure that she didn't want my parents to have any input into our wedding plans. After her graduation, her family, friends, and I took a trip up to Las Vegas to celebrate. We argued when I didn't want to spend money to get into a club in Vegas, but everybody wanted to go. I resisted for the whole car ride up, explaining why I didn't want to pay $100 to get into VIP and get free drinks. I regret that decision, because it was her trip, celebrating her accomplishments, and hard work. I ended up paying and she ignored me the whole 3 day trip, even though I was right next to her throughout. I wasn't very close to her friends that were visiting, so I didn't know what to do. At one point, she told me "You look like a lost puppy, go play somewhere else". I told her she was my best friend, and I was sorry. She said " * * * *, you ain't my best friend." She had changed. It was weird watching her getting along fine with her friends, and then being so rude and mean to me. We got back from Vegas, and she continued to ignore me, even though I was in her prescence. So, it now had been 4 days of ignoring me. Her identical twin sister yelled at her saying "What the hell is wrong with you, he said he's sorry. Why won't you grow up and talk to him?" No answers. No changes after her friends left. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and left for work the next day. After I got out of work I came home and confronted her. I said "What is going on. It hurts that you ignored me for so long. I'm sorry. Please talk to me". She sat and ignored me for a few minutes. I asked again, and she said that she didn't want to marry me. I told her that I realized she is at a cross-roads in her life now that she just turned 25 and recently graduated, and if she wanted to post-pone our wedding plans, that was ok. She said "No, I don't want to be with you anymore". She also asked for her house key back. I explained that we never had a big argument before or broken up, and thought that she should tell me how she was feeling. Let's talk it out. I can change. She told me she "didn't like me anymore". I had a hard time believing that considering we had been together for over 2 and a half years, and our relationship recently had been great up until recently when she had to study a lot for her board exams and me trying to save. Anyway, she told me to leave. "Go back to your parents" she said. I resisted for a while, wanting to know why she was breaking up with me. She said that she didn't have to tell me, and wasn't good at explaining things. She started to yell at me to go away. People who know me, know that I am a sensitive, gentle, honest, loving, caring person. It was really hard to hear her be so mean to me. She was harsh, and wanted to end the relationship right there. I didn't know what to do, so I eventually left.

Now, it has been over two weeks since I left her place. I dropped a letter off at her door step five days after we broke up. In the letter, I explained that I knew she was at a cross-roads, I apoligized for my mistakes, explained the importance of the relationship to me, and hoped it still meant something to her. I also stated that if she couldn't accept me for who I am, I didn't know what to do. She hasn't contacted me at all.

I am a mess. I wasn't able to eat or go to work for a few days. I've seen two therapists, and it hasn't helped at all. I'm lonely and deeply depressed. All I can think about is "Why"?

 

She still has the engagement ring that I gave her when I asked her to marry me. I didn't think of getting it back at the time, and wanted to give her time to cool down before I approached her again. She didn't wear it much due to the fact that she was always wearing gloves, and working on patients as a dental hygiene student. I was always afraid she would lose it. So, she put it up in storage at her aunts house in between moving, and it has been there ever since for the past month and a half. I know that sounds like a sign, but, she's always been a tomboy, wasn't used to wearing jewelery, and was also afraid she would lose it. She did wear it on occasion. I do want the ring back though, if this is over, because she broke a promise.

 

I'm also having a really tough time because over the past few months my good friends that were out here have moved out of state. I have no one but my parents now.

 

It also really hurts me that she updated her myspace profile. It now says that she is single and doesn't want kids. When we were together, she said that she wanted to wait a few years if we were going to have kids. My heart aches every time I go onto that website. It's a bad habit, and I'm torturing myself every time I log in. I'm also waiting for her to call me, but I know she won't. While we were together she shared with me that in her past, her style has been to drop her ex cold turkey. I don't understand how you can go 2+ years spending everyday with someone, thinking about them, get engaged for a year, and then just completely turn it off and leave.

 

I am in so much pain constantly. One thing that has helped me is to remind myself that I am a good person and deserve to be treated like a human being with respect. I can't believe she ignored me in Vegas for so long. It doesn't help that I'm also constantly thinking that she broke up with me because she may want to find someone better/different. She didn't tell me why she was breaking up with me.

 

We had gotten so far and grown so much together. We were so close.

 

The hardest part of the day for me is waking up, realizing that this is all real. I'm still the same person though. My love does not falter. I'm not mad at her. It appears that she has changed. How can someone who's that important, someone I planned my whole life around, just drop me like that and be so downright mean.

 

I don't know what to do. I just want to talk to the Mary that I knew for so long.

[rose2summer]

She definitely is confused, and is unlikely to change anytime in the near future. I suggest moving on from here. You should not have been treated poorly by her, that shows a lack of appreciation for you as a person. Marriage is a very sacred union to be enjoyed by loving couples. She obviously has issues here that need to be resolved. I can actually relate, because I used to be like her in the past. I would get in a relationship, make sure the guy fell in love with me, and then leave. At first I thought nothing of it, but I realized I did it because I was insecure. I kept telling myself don't let yourself care because you will only get hurt. The second I found myself caring, I was gone in a heartbeat. Finally, I realized what I was doing and changed. It will likely take her a long time, including self-realization and she may never treat you correctly. There are many women who would love a guy that relocates for her, wants to marry and cherish her, like you did with her, start looking around, and trust me, the second she finds out you are dating again, she will want you more, and you can laugh and say cianara, I don't want to waste my time with you!

[Lady Bugg]

WOW..bestrong....I am sorry to hear about this whole ordeal....

 

Fisrt of all, I believe you are entitled to getting your ring back. She broke the engagement so it IS the right thing to do.

 

Your ex sounds quite cold and selfish to be honest. Is this how she was DURING you relationship?? For her to be so callous after 2 1/2 years together....sounds like she may have been planning the breakup for a while and perhaps was looking for the right situation to drop the "bomb". Your behavior during this trio to Vegas seems to have been her convenient excuse. She just graduated...and had a lot going on, but so what? That is by NO means an excuse for her to treat you the way she did....she could have very well just postponed the wedding or at the VERY least talked to you about the issues. After 2 1/2 years..you deserve MUCH more than she gave you.

 

Please make sure you get that engagement ring back from her. It is no longer hers to keep. She BROKE that promise. I would NOT beg her back. Right now is the time for you to be strong and resist that urge. SHE broke up with YOU remember that. SHE should be the one begging.

 

 

I think you dodged a bullet with this woman...please try to see it that way.

[aug1516]

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I can say that I know how you feel. Just a couple days ago I lost my girlfriend of 5 years whom I was planning on marrying. Almost an identical situation actually, along with the MySpace status change that still irks me. What's driving me crazy is that I still don't really know why my girlfriend left and it really sucks to not know “why” I know that in reality the “why” is not that important in the end but I still have not convinced myself of that so I won’t try to convince you. I would probably continue to remain out of contact with her for now because you were the last one to attempt communication and to try again may not help the situation any. I made that mistake already by trying to contact my girlfriend a couple of times and now and it just left me feeling desperate and still hurting.

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone.

 

Wow. I know it is difficult to believe right now, but I think that the breakup was the best thing for you both. She does sound awfully selfish. First, being angry at you for making decisions with your parents and not with her, but then she goes and wants to buy a house with her dad and not give you any input.

 

I do think you should get the ring back. It is a conditional gift, on the condition that she marries you. You need to get the ring back. If she does not want to, I think one strongly worded letter from an attorney will be enough to change her mind.

 

I really think that this is for the best. She sounds like she would have been a very cold and emotionally abusive wife. You deserve so much better than that. She has done you a favor, even though it may not feel like it now.

 

come here anytime you need to talk.

 

(((HUGS))))

 

annie

[annie24]

yeah, and one more thing! I am very much a romantic. If a guy gave me a ring, and I couldn't wear it too much (I work in a laboratory), I would just wear it around my neck, on a necklace. Or I would ask him to put in a smaller stone. But, I wouldn't NOT WEAR my engagement ring!

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA bstrong2day! I'm sorry you are joining us under such bleak circumstances...

 

It is very clear to me that this woman has a lot of growing up to do. At some point down the road, and I know this is hard to believe right now, but you will look back and probably thank this woman for showing you her true colors and leaving before you had a mortgage payment, car payment, kids, etc. Believe it or not, you got away clean. Imagine the rest of your life being treated like this. That'd be like an innocent man being sentenced to life in an emotional prison...

 

You'll heal from this dude. And for what it's worth, I have a secret to share with you about getting over a break up I learned from my last devastation. Get your ring back, use whatever money you saved for the wedding and the ring, etc. and go out and buy yourself a nice crotch rocket. A few shots of adrenaline will do you some good...

 

But as a disclaimer I should say be careful...

[Hyperia81]

Hi hun,

First off you arent alone in this! Im also recovering from a very devastating break up but this forum has brought me much peace of mind, as im sure it will do for you.

 

This girl seems like she wasnt ready to commit her life to just one man for the rest of her life IMHO. She just graduated, she probly feels she doesnt want to settle down now that shes in the peak of her life. From what you say about Going to expensive clubs and VIP access it seems like she likes to have a good time and drink, this could also have an affect on her attitude towards you if you are not the same type. A person can take one single thing you do, and base all their decisions on that action ( such as you being stubborn and not wanting to pay to get into the club ). Even more if her friends were around to witness it.

IMO it looks like she is adament on her decision. Theres not much you can do but NC and see where that leads. If she has such a short fuse then i do not think you should be back with her, who knows what will set her off the next time. Do not put the blame on yourself, a person who refuses to work things out is a person with no desire to change their perspective or reconsider their own views ( Which arent traits of a wise person )

Sounds to me like you are lucky you didnt marry her, the heartache that would ensue would be that of a thousand drama novels.

 

Go NC and show her you arent going to suffer for her, it will make her rethink her actions. There are several very good posts in the healing after breakup section that would serve you well. Heres one that i wrote - -

 

All i can say is be strong hun, Try to keep NC going and post here for whatever reason you feel. Best wishes.

 

Hyperia-

[annie24]

I agree with friscodj. Sell the ring, and buy yourself a motorcycle. Or go to europe on vacation. Do something just for you.

[friscodj]

Yeah, go do something really cool. What is it that you've always wanted to do but never thought you could or kept putting it off? What are some of your dreams for you? Hell, why don't you start racing motorcycles, or go get a private pilot's license and start flying places, start skydiving, or climb McKinley or Everest or something completely insane. Go big dude...

 

A buddy of mine was in a very similar situation as your's a few years ago. After the break-up, he quit his job, sold everything he had, and moved to China to teach English. He sends me pictures over email once in a while of him and his new wife laughing and smiling on beaches in the Orient and what not...good for him!

 

So the bottom line is now's a good time to drop your inhibitions and really start living life...

[annie24]

wow! frisco, I bet if you asked your friend, he would say that the breakup was the best thing that ever happened to him!

[friscodj]

Yeah, I'm happy for Nate. The thing is he did it himself, he made it happen. I thought he was nuts personally...

[bstrong2day]

When is a good time for me to get the ring back and how do you recommend I go about doing it? My family thinks she might sell it, but I don't believe she's that shallow of a person. If I attempt to call her, it will only hurt me because I gurantee she won't pick up her phone, and won't call me back. Also, I still love her and am in love with her, and I don't want to be cold or mean. It's not my nature. Maybe I can send her another letter asking for the ring back with another sealed, stamped envelope inside of it. The package should be insured though, before she sends it. How do I get her to do that? The problem is that the ring is at her aunts house with all of her stuff in the garage. I don't feel comfortable going to her aunts house on my own to look for it. I don't even know exactly where it is in her house. I thought about asking for the ring through text message, but that just seems immature and cold. This whole thing is cold. The past two weeks have been the hardest days, minutes, and seconds of my life. I still have a really hard time understanding how she could be so mean to me. Any advice on getting the ring back?

[friscodj]

Talk to her parents, and/or her sister, as it kind of sounds like she's "on your side" a bit. Do this ASAP. Get this chore done with.

[bstrong2day]

The only problem is that her sister is in New Orleans, and we are in Arizona. Maybe I could call her sister to call Mary and coordinate this.

[friscodj]

I'd approach this from every angle you can think of. But whatever you do, do it ASAP. But be prepared to wait a while for the ring. Who knows what's going through this woman's head. Worst case is you lose the ring, but from what you've said, I think at some point anyway you'll get it back...

 

Then put it on Ebay for the down payment on your new toy, trip, etc...

[Lady Bugg]

Ok I'm going to disagree with Friscod...here's why...

 

Involving her family is asking for a true life Jerry Springer show...

Whether they like you or not...blood is thicker than water.

I would send her a CERTIFIED letter...to show proof you sent it, and tell her you want your ring back Do not ASK for it back tell her she broke the engagement and it no longer belongs to her. Keep the letter businesslike and cordial. No sappiness, no begging. Just make it to the point. It does not have to be cold and mean. SHE wanted it this way...so you are simply giving her what she wants. Tell her if she does not respond to you within a certain time period..then she will hear from your lawyer. You are entitled to get your ring back and move on with your life....hopefully she will have the heart and the common decency to comply..

[shamus]

wow, the way she talked to you.

 

move on. find someone who appreciates your love and friendship

[annie24]

I do like the certified letter idea. Because it is the first thing you need if you are going to take legal action (just because it may scare her into giving it to you).

 

Send her a certified letter to her work or whatever, something that you have proof that she got it in her hands, saying that she has 30 days to either give you back the ring, or give you the amount of money you paid for it.

 

I really think that this is the best way to go, especially if you feel she won't answer your phone calls.

[friscodj]

Look, you want to get this taken care of as quickly and painlessly as possible. I think a call or email to her sister will do some good. I don't think it's Jerry Springer at all to do that...

 

And I don't see legally how a certified letter is going to do anything for you? The "certified" part only provides surety that she received the letter, not what's written in it. Basically, you made a verbal contract with her by giving her the ring and a letter isn't going to do anything now. Except for the fear factor perhaps...

 

You're talking about using fear as a tool to get your ring back. I think you should try some more amicable approaches first. She might resent the letter and hold onto your ring out of spite or something. She just might be immature enough to do something like that...

[brando]

I would forget about the ring right now, and just deal with your pain and heal.

 

It sounds like she is a stubborn person and no letter or act of God right now will make her return the ring.

 

She will most likely ignore your calls, or if she does answer will tell you what you need to hear, and then never follow through on it.

 

After you took some time to yourself and healed a little, then perhaps think of taking legal action.

 

I understand the monetary value of the engagement ring, but if that is what it takes to keep her out of your life, then so be it. She will have to live with that decision she made...sometimes it is better to just let go.

 

best of luck...

 

be well,

Brando

[bstrong2day]

I woke up again this morning feeling the same intense pain I've felt every morning since the break-up on May 17th. It hasn't subsided at all. I basically feel the pain until I am too mentally and physically exhausted to move, and then fall asleep for 4 hours at the max. I have no plans for today or tomorrow. Nothing to look forward to. I went out with a couple of friends last night, and it was pointless. I tried to be optomistic, although I knew I was going to feel like crap, and I did. When I go out in public, it's hard to see people with their lives together. I continue to move and live because I know that my family still loves me. People tell me that I valued the relationship I had with my fiance too much. I gave my entire self to her, and in my mind I had already married her. I felt safe. It felt natural. When she broke up with me, it completely shattered who I was and where I was headed. I'm now in an intense struggle with myself, trying to face that this is over, but I am having a hard time believing it. I continue to wonder "Why" she ended the relationship. I am losing sleep, not eating right, and thinking that she may have decided she wanted someone else, and was talked out of the relationship by her friends from home. She valued their opinion as much as mine. The problem right now is that I have nothing else to think about. It consumes my every thought. I have no interest in anything anymore. I used to love sports, although changed my priorities years ago. It feels like nothing means anything anymore. When I sleep, I have dreams that feel real. I have dreams that Mary and I are happy together. I can talk to her in the dreams. We work things out in the dreams. When I wake, everything comes crashing down back to reality. I feel hopeless and lost. Whoever said that I am not ready to get the ring back yet is right. I haven't been able to take care of myself, let alone reach out to her and ask for my ring. Well, here I am. I'm going to eat breakfast and then go to the gym later. It's supposed to be 114 degrees outside today, so I'll be stuck inside. Gotta keep moving though. Put one foot in front of the other.

 

On a side note, I haven't been on myspace in a few days, and continue to fight the urge to log in and check her page. I have no idea how she's doing or what she's up to now. What also hurts is that she doesn't seem to care how I'm doing. She hasn't contacted me since May 17th when it ended. I have no closure, but do I want it? I think that part of me doesn't want to accept that this is really over. It's been over two weeks now. I'll never understand how someone who loved me so much could change so much so quickly. I didn't change at all. My feelings for her have never changed. I adapt to change, but don't stop loving someone once I've committed myself to them.

 

Good morning and thanks for the support. I'm here because my family is beginning to become fed up with the fact that I am still grieving. My father told me a few minutes ago that "I am wasting my life away acting like a fool. I'm sitting at home crying while she is out having fun. She's hoping you don't call her".

 

I need help. I need to be able to help myself, but I can't right now. Any advice would be appreciated.

[friscodj]

Yeah, stay far away from her MySpace page. Do whatever you have to. Block the page from your computer, etc. Just don't look, it will only hurt more.

 

And the closure you seek has to come from you. Analyze everything and just trust your best judgment and roll with that...

 

I'm so sorry you're in this tough spot dude...one day at a time...

[aug1516]

That's really rough, I'm so sorry. If you find that you are not able to deal with this problem yourself you seriously may want to consider seeking grief counseling or something like that. The loss of a loved one is probably one of the hardest things in life to deal with but you don't have to do it alone.

[bstrong2day]

I still can't get over how cold she was to me when she broke the news that she wanted to end the relationship. It was like I was a stranger to her, yet only a few days earlier we were getting along fine. Only a few days before the break-up, she would wake me up from a deep sleep to tell me how much she loved me. I'm afraid that if I try to contact her now, she will be the same rude, harsh person that broke up with me. Not the loving, gentle, fun, friend that I am used to. That's what really hurts.