my fiance broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I'm a mess

[hpsowce]

I know that there are times when words don't really help, once you've heard something once it doesn't help to hear it again. I had a similar situation with my own breakup, I remember just before she told me she wanted to break up I noticed she was looking at me funny, different to how she had looked at me every day for 3.5 years. She was looking at me as though I was a stranger, there wasn't the love there, or the feeling, there was coldness and distance. I sent her text that night saying I would give her everything she desired if she would give me a second chance, she answered that this was hard for her and she couldn't imagine how I was feeling, I told her she'd been my partner and best friend for 3 and a half years she must now how I feel because she knew me better than anyone. The night before we broke up she said she loved me with all her heart like she did every night, but you have to see that words are easy to say. The person who breaks up the relationship has usually had a lot longer to get used to the fact that things are going to end, so they can distance themselves from it, they may have cried about it everytime they were alone for a month, two months, we'll never know.

 

My only advice for you my friend is that you have to think about you from now on, you are the main man now, the numero uno, the dogs nads (sorry english saying there), and you've got a long life ahead of you and I can guarantee that you can go on from this situation and be a stronger person because of it. That isn't to say your ex has done you a favour, your going to do yourself a favour by keeping going - baby steps as I've read before, little by little things will get slightly easier, now and again things will get worse but over all things will improve. I'm quite new to this, this is my first serious relationship and so my first serious break up but by listening to the advice on this board, being kind to yourself, crying when you need to, writing on here when you want to you'll speed up that healing process. Take care.

[bstrong2day]

Thanks for the support everyone. I just took a relaxing drive down to see for myself the progress on the build of my condo. The complex looks so nice, and I could see how it will be a fun place to live once I get my life back together. For an instant, I saw that life still goes on.

 

Closing was supposed to be June 4th, although it now got bumped to September 1st! Believe it or not, I signed the contract back in February. So, in the meantime I've had to move back in with my parents for a few months to save (something I didn't want to do). I didn't expect the delays, and moving in with my parents had put a big strain on my ex when we were still together. I feel guilty for moving back in with my folks.

When she broke up with me I asked "What do you expect me to do now? You are everything to me." She responded "Go back to your parents." Somehow, someway, I've got to keep it together and keep moving. I've also got to stop beating myself up. It's killing me inside.

 

Every time I relax, a picture of my ex pops into my head, and then my heart feels like it's dying. The pain is almost unbearable.

[bstrong2day]

I went to the gym and ran for a while to clear my head. It's stange, I feel like I can run forever and never become tired. I think better when I'm running.

[friscodj]

I went to the gym and ran for a while to clear my head. It's stange, I feel like I can run forever and never become tired. I think better when I'm running.

 

Do what you gotta do man. A healthy outlet like this is good!

 

Hope you get better soon...life does go on...

[bstrong2day]

Why do I continue to wake up at 4:35AM every morning since this has happened on May 17th? Whenever I sleep, all of my dreams revolve around my ex. They are calm, relaxing dreams, where we are able to sit down, take time, talk about what went wrong, and work things out.

 

I wake up every morning with the same intense emotional pain. I don't want to move, but I get up because I have to. I go to work full-time 4 days a week and pay my bills, although I don't look forward to anything anymore. My work days at a hospital are filled with me breaking down, crying, and telling my story to co-workers that wonder what is wrong. I've almost broken down in front of patients. It's not healthy. I can't break out of this cycle. I'm letting this destroy me.

 

It's becoming clear to me that I'm still stuck in this rut because I don't have anyone else. I have no one else to think about. No prospects. At some point, I have to stop complaining, pick myself up by the boot straps, and make some changes. The problem is that I don't want to. I have to learn to want to go out and make new friends and meet new people. Right now I don't want to do anything.

 

I'm going to attempt to give my ex's sister a call later today to try to ask for the ring back. I don't think she'll pick up though. It's like I don't exist to them anymore. Nothing has changed since the day she asked me to leave her place. There has been no contact since 5 days after the break-up when I dropped the letter off at her doorstep. She has yet to respond or call. I did get a random call from someone who found both of her dogs loose wandering her neighborhood. A good samaritan called my # which was on the dog tags. I called the ex's sister and left a message. So, that's where I'm at. Time to get moving, get my hair cut, and run some errands.

[hpsowce]

Your doing what needs to be done, keep your eyes on the finishing line and make sure you keep your job, because if you let that go your situation will only get worse, and you will have let this woman who has treated you so badly destroy you, your worth more than that. I don't know what you do outside of your job but you complain of no prospects, your never to old to change direction in your life, part time study would give you something else to focus on. My focus on my situation has changed now, I want this to be a positive point in my life because the most important person in the world to me is me, now that doesn't mean I don't have bad days where nothing seems worth it but you have to ride those times out because you only get one chance at life.

 

Now the way I look at it is we've been lucky, many people go through life not experiencing real love, it's easy to look at them and think they've had it easy, but is that true? You've had love once, your only young with most of your life ahead of you, so if you've had love once so early what are the odds you'll get love again? pretty good I think, in fact I'd put money on it and I'm not a gambling man.

 

You need to get yourself out of this situation with your ex as soon as you can, easier said than done but if this destroys you it's because you've let it and nothing is worth that, especially not a ring. I know if I had that kind of situation and I felt it was stopping me moving on I'd have to seriously consider cutting the strings, let it go and just forget about it.

[friscodj]

Good man. Keep moving, keep your schedule full, keep your mind occupied...

 

I've done exactly what you describe in your first two paragraphs, about the dreams, waking up in the middle of the night, night sweats, breaking down at work, etc.

 

The only thing I will tell you is that it does get better. Hang in there...be strong...

[thlst3]

Sorry to hear what happen. I know it's cliche but keep yourself busy and work out. Working out does make you feel better. Besides, all ex's return to talk and when it happens... you want to be your best. No one wants to see a guy out of shape and tired looking...

 

You're doing good job... taking one step at a time. Workout, getting your haircut, etc. Set a goal for the week and try to accomplish it.

 

If you do decide to call your ex's siter, just leave a polite vmail and ask her to drop off the ring.

 

Your ex will think you're trying to find a way to talk to her... and at this time she's probably not ready to do so... so, if you really want the ring back... communicate in a way that it doesn't look needy.

 

Good Luck...

[bstrong2day]

I think I had a breakthrough tonight after a counseling session and a long talk with good ole grandma. For the first time I was able to see things objectively from my ex's side, although I haven't talked to her. I'm at peace right now. At least for a few minutes. I have to learn to respect the decision that she made.

[annie24]

You know, it will be ok. I am serious. There are many people here on eNotalone, like RayKay, for example that have been in your shoes. I don't think she'd mind me sharing because she's posted this on other threads. Basically, her long-term boyfriend broke up with her. She was pretty upset at first, but wound up meeting the real love of her life afterwards! Maybe your perfect woman is out there somewhere!

 

I'm a "nice" type of girl. And it really upsets me when I see guys who are crying over girls who are total witches. I am single right now. All I know is that guys seem to fall for manipulative witches, and I am single, and I start wondering, "why do guys fall for this crap and cry over them when there are plenty of girls out there who won't tear out their heart and stomp all over it?"

 

I don't know - maybe I'm just too much of a romantic. But seriously, this woman - it is so good she is out of your life. She would have been a horrible wife

[bstrong2day]

Thanks Annie, for your insight. Ugggghh! I've got to stop having such bad mornings. The second I wake up, I feel guilty again, wondering if I had just done things differently. It sticks with me while I'm in the shower, eating breakfast, the drive to work, and all day long. I try to tell myself "Stop it. Quit beating yourself up." But, I can't. It's really hard to live with all of this guilt.

 

Are there rehab facilities that deal strictly with getting over ex's and improving self-esteem. I'm having such a tough time getting through each day, that it may be beneficial for me to look into something like that.

 

One thing I can say is that I never intentionally hurt my ex's feelings over the 2+ years we were together. I never called her a name. I wasn't passive-aggressive. I am willing to intentionally beat myself up though. All I can think about is that I failed her and myself. I felt so safe and thought she loved me for who I was. I tried to love her in the best way I knew how, but it wasn't good enough. I just wasn't good enough for her. I have to stop thinking like that.

 

She changed. I have to respect the decision that she made when she broke up with me. If she doesn't want to be with me, there's nothing I can do to get her back. I can't make someone love me. That's one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn.

 

I can't let this destroy me. I need more help. Today is another bad day.

 

I worked so hard to get to get where I am. I've totally lost interest in my career and my life in general. To be honest, I feel like leaving to head home from work right now, but I realize I have nothing to do at home. I'm going to try to get through the day.

 

I didn't try to get the ring back yet. I don't feel emotionally ready to embark on that. I have a feeling that any contact I make with her will make her reject me even more. Uggggh! I just want to feel better!!!

[annie24]

Are there rehab facilities that deal strictly with getting over ex's and improving self-esteem. I'm having such a tough time getting through each day, that it may be beneficial for me to look into something like that.

 

LOL - I don't think so.

 

Well, I think a better option would be to go off to europe or wherever. Somewhere totally different from where you have ever been. Just leave, spend a summer waiting tables in Spain and meeting gorgeous Spanish women. I think that is all the therapy you need

 

Seriously, I think taking an extended vacation at this point would be the best thing for you.

 

For whatever reason, moving and being in different surroundings helps you heal.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me the day before I moved into a new apartment (in town). The day was just a coincidence (we never lived together). I have found it easier to heal because I am in a new apartment, actually... a condo I bought! New surroundings, no real memories of him in my place - I dunno, the new surroundings made the healing easier to some extent.

[bstrong2day]

Right now I'm in the process of labeling 2 envelopes to send to my ex to get my engagement ring back. One envelope heads to her, the other, inside, is addressed back to me. My goal is to make it to the post office tomorrow to get the inner package insured with delivery confirmation. I'll also ask for delivery confirmation to her place so that I know that she get's it.

 

The problem now is how do I ask for the ring back in a short letter without getting too desparate or emotional? Obviously, it hurts to ask for the engagement ring back. She said yes when I proposed, we were engaged for a year, and then she broke up with me as I originally posted. We have been broken up for 3 weeks now, and the only contact has been me leaving a letter at her doorstep five days after the break-up.

 

How do I ask for the ring back politely in a short letter without getting too deep?

 

I want to write: When I asked you to marry me we made a promise. You broke the promise, I deserve my ring back.

 

It sounds too sad. Any advice from people who have read my story.

[annie24]

Yeah, basically that is what you say.

 

"Please send me back the engagement ring I proposed to you with. Legally, an engagement ring is a "conditional gift", given on the condition that the marriage takes place. Since you have broken that promise, I would like to have the ring back.

 

-Me"

[bstrong2day]

She treated me harshly, almost like a stranger while breaking up. I still have strong feelings for her though, and don't want to push her further away. But, this is something I have to do for myself now. Unconditional love and devotion went with that ring when I gave it to her. It wasn't recipricated. I have to get the ring back.

[annie24]

I am just saying that legally, an engagment ring is a conditonal gift. (even if your emotions weren't)

 

I am sorry she broke the promise to you also.

[bstrong2day]

"When I proposed and asked you to marry me, we made a promise. You broke the promise. Please send me the enagement ring back".

 

-Me

 

It's going in the mail tomorrow.

[annie24]

Sounds like a plan!

[bstrong2day]

uggh! Another bad morning. I have to do something about these mornings! I sleep in the fetal position, covered with a blanket and hugging a big pillow throughout the night. When I wake, I'm sweating, it hits me, and I'm defenseless. I can't help but think about what I should have done differently. I also wonder what the heck she is up to now that she has all of this free time? Reality sets in when I replay the way the break-up went down. I replay how she ignored me for three days on our Vegas trip while I was in her presense along with her friends. I replay the countless attempts I made to "make things better". I tried so hard. I apoligized, attempted to talk with her, asked her to please open up, gave her a peck on the cheek, just get her attention, and none of it worked for 72 hours. She was stone faced to me, although interacted with her friends like nothing was wrong. One moment in particular hurts a lot right now. Specifically, a few minutes after she broke up with me at her place. We were sitting on the couch watching tv. I was in a state of shock. I complimented her, saying she had the cutest feet. She looked at me, covered them with a blanket, and looked away disgusted. I still can't comprehend how she loved me, treated me so special for so long, took my ring and said she would marry me, and then just turned on me like that. I am having such a tough time getting over this. It's going to hurt like hell to send her the letter to ask for the ring back. She hurt me, but I really don't want to hurt her. In over 2+ years that we were together I never once intentionally hurt her feelings. If I did hurt her unintentionally, I apoligized for my mistakes and took corrective action. I was willing to compromise and work things out. The problem is, many times she never told me how she felt. Sometimes, I believe it was a cultural thing (She's vietnamese/chinese) to contain her emotions. When we argued (which was rare), her style in the past was to walk away, then come back and act like nothing ever happened. She didn't want to talk about it. It's hard to be in a relationship when your partner isn't willing to open up and tell you how she feels. She didn't tell me when things really started to bother her. She smoldered like a volcano until she blew up one day, and poof! It was over.

 

The ring obviously never meant that much to her. It appears that she is completely over me now that it's been three weeks, she hasn't contacted me, and she updated her myspace profile to single on May 31st (I haven't logged into myspace since, it just hurts too much). How can she just move on and not be thinking about me?

 

I have such a hard time thinking about myself.

[annie24]

she sounds like a *beep*

 

it will be hard, but I assure you, this pain will pass one day.....

[bstrong2day]

I edited my most recent post and added some info. Thanks Annie for your help. Can anyone else out there also lend a voice of reason to help me along this journey? I'm struggling.

[GainingStrength]

As I've been reading your thread I couldn't help but compare your situation to one that I went through three years ago. Yesterday I googled the same girl only to find out that she has just recently married another man. Heartbreaking but at the same time, liberating!

 

Please read this post that I made a couple of years ago when I realized that things were not as bad as I initially thought. Like you I had many sleepless nights and many long days spent wondering if life was worth living... All because of someone else! We should not let the behavior of someone else determine our happiness!

 

The best advice I can give you is the hardest to hear... Only time will take the pain away. It leaves in such small intervals that you may not notice a difference next week or even next month, but I promise you that one day you will wake up, remember how it felt during the first days of the breakup and realize how much better it is getting. You have to hang in there!

 

Please read what I wrote back when I was experiencing a similar break... I hope this thread helps!

[bstrong2day]

Thanks for the support. I hesitated going to the post office to send the envelopes & letter to get the ring back today. This is what I decided to write. Hopefully I'll have the intestinal fortitude to put it in the mail tomorrow.

 

" I have always respected you and stuck by your side through thick and thin. When I proposed and asked you to marry me, we made a promise to eachother. You broke that promise. Please send me the engagement ring back."

 

-Me

 

I don't want to push her further away. But, I know I have to if I want to let go and move on.

[xsurosisx]

bstrong2day, you need to wake up, look at what you are writing, it's pathetic, everything you write on here turns to one conclusion, it's your fault, you did this, you did that, what could you have done to make her love you more. You need to step away from the dinner table and look at what's going on right in front of you. Let me help you, since you are obviously so blind you can't see 5 feet in front of your face, your ex has turned into a typical Az girl, let me guess, she met new people at school, other single people, she likes to hang out in Scottsdale, but you don't like clubs so you don't want to go, she comes from a divorced family and you don't so you put different values on a relationship. You can always see your future relationship with your SO, by looking at their parents, if that doesn't do it for you, look at your ex's track record in which you said yourself she drops her exes like "cold turkey," that should have been a major sign. It's not your fault that your ex is the way she is, feel lucky you got her out of the way before you had gotton married and added to Arizona's 86% divorce rate and she raped you on everything you owned, or better yet you got out before you had a child, and she really messed up somebodies life. I want you to go to this myspace page and read the blogs, they will help you, and plus it may teach you a thing or 2 about Arizona women. link removed remember my friend you are master of your own destiny, don't let some life sucking woman take that from you because she would rather be out partying.

[bstrong2day]

My ex grew up in a Vietnamese ghetto right outside of downtown New Orleans. She's a t-shirt and jeans type of girl, and hates Scottsdale. She calls it "snobbsdale". She doesn't even like to drive through that part of town because most of the people are "stuck up and rude". We went to a club in Vegas once to celebrate her graduation. It was a very rare occurrence. Her parents are not divorced. Her mother was murdered when she was in elementary school, and her father raised his two girls by himself. She has a ton of respect for her family, but wasn't willing to compromise and spend any time with my family (my folks live in Scottsdale). I'm starting to see that her plan was to convert me to her vietnamese culture and family. I was ok with compromising, intrigued by her culture, but I could also see that I would have lost myself in the long run. In the end, I think she realized that too. I am who I am, and she is who she is. She's not the typical AZ girl though. I just wish we could have met somewhere in the middle.