This time for good... best approach? Help!

[FelixXavier]

Hello all..

 

This is only my second post here. If you look at my first one, you can get a little background.

 

So, anyways, three weeks ago, my gf of 6 months breaks up with me. A while back, one of her best friends, a guy, asked her at a club "What if I wasn't with so and so, and you weren't with Felix?" She played it off as if he was drunk and stupid. Well, I caught wind of it, and she implored me not to mention it to him. Well, needless to say, I did - you don't say that to someone's girlfriend!!! He was sent into such a panic that he not only admitted what he said to his own girlfriend, but he also told her that he had cheated on her (not with my gf) in the past!

 

Somehow, the girlfriend holds my ex responsible, and for the past couple months has not allowed any contact between the two former best friends.

 

Well, my ex blames everything that happened on me! For the past month she's been treating me poorly, and 3 weeks ago, we break up. I'm not too stunned, as I could see all the warning signs. Well, a few days pass, she calls me... I ask her if this is really what she wants, if she really wants to lose me. About a week later, I'm at her house, we hook up, and everything is back to normal for the rest of the week, like were back in love!

 

But then, this week, she again starts acting all cold, ignoring me, telling me she's too busy to see me, etc. etc. I talk to her on the phone on my lunch break today, and she breaks it off. We have a long conversation: of course it was "The Friend Incident," as I like to call it, that was responsible. She admitted that deep down, she still loved me, she knew I was a great boyfriend, and that we really could have been something. Like, we even talked about living together after only a few months! But, she added, she just couldn't get over what happened with the friend. She couldn't look into her heart to forgive me. She said I treated her well, and except for the one mistake of confronting her friend about that stupid thing he said to her, I was golden.

 

So.. This is the second breakup in three weeks, and this time it feels official.

 

Like she said, there is a part of her that still loves me. But this time it just feels final, like she really made up her mind. And now she comes up with other little reasons why she wants to break up, like the fact that I'm friends with my ex, or that I might have said some bs comment like, "I can get any girl I want." (Which, by the way, is completely out of jest and was more of a joke than anything else)

 

Anyways, it feels like the situation is just so far gone that I can't do anything else about it. I've apologized a million times, I wrote her a book about my feelings for her (i'm a writer), and I tried to explain all those little things she kept bringing up, which she is just bringing up because she's seeking out excuses.

 

What do I do? NC? Move on? I really love this girl, and I know if it weren't for "The Friend Incident" we would be perfect. We were both SO in love before this happened. Please help...

[DN]

I very much doubt that you would be together if that had not happened. I think she is using that incident as an excuse for breaking up with you so that you look like the bad guy and she doesn't have to take responsibility for wanting to break up with you.

 

Sorry - but your best bet is to go not contact, heal and move on.

[Scotcha]

Well, needless to say, I did - you don't say that to someone's girlfriend!!! He was sent into such a panic that he not only admitted what he said to his own girlfriend, but he also told her that he had cheated on her (not with my gf) in the past!

 

Somehow, the girlfriend holds my ex responsible, and for the past couple months has not allowed any contact between the two former best friends.

 

This is a little bit confusing to me. The girlfriend won't let your girlfriend's best friend talk to her anymore and so this is why she doesn't want to be with you anymore? If that's truly the reason it sounds like a bit of misplaced anger. Personally, I would be mad that you had sent him into a panic. I wouldn't take kindly to my boyfriend threatening and intimidating my friends.

 

Everyone makes mistakes though and forgiveness is such an important part of a relationship. If she can't forgive you it is time to move on.

 

Also, after reading your first post it seems that she has been distancing herself from the relationship for some time now and perhaps this incident was just the catalyst.

[FelixXavier]

I very much doubt that you would be together if that had not happened. I think she is using that incident as an excuse for breaking up with you so that you look like the bad guy and she doesn't have to take responsibility for wanting to break up with you.

 

Sorry - but your best bet is to go not contact, heal and move on.

 

 

I'm not completely sure of that. We seriously had no issues, and it felt like genuine, reciprocated love. I can pinpoint exactly when she started acting weird, and it was when she learned that I had confronted the friend. That is exactly when everything soured. Like I said, we had no problems up until that point.

 

I know deep down that I'm just going to have to move on. But I want it so that if one day she does find it in her heart to forgive and forget, I want it so that she would be open to being with be once more. She's the first girl I've fallen in love with in a few years! I really, REALLY, wanted this to work, and I would jump through a million hoops to have what we had before all this nonsense happened.

 

It doesn't help that the estranged girlfriend texts and e-mails my ex, calling her names, making her feel bad for introducing her boyfriend to the girl he used to cheat.. It's complicated.. But, I'm at a total loss here.

 

God, I'm going to miss her. She was so much what I wanted in a girl...

[FelixXavier]

This is a little bit confusing to me. The girlfriend won't let your girlfriend's best friend talk to her anymore and so this is why she doesn't want to be with you anymore? If that's truly the reason it sounds like a bit of misplaced anger. Personally, I would be mad that you had sent him into a panic. I wouldn't take kindly to my boyfriend threatening and intimidating my friends.

 

Everyone makes mistakes though and forgiveness is such an important part of a relationship. If she can't forgive you it is time to move on.

 

Also, after reading your first post it seems that she has been distancing herself from the relationship for some time now and perhaps this incident was just the catalyst.

 

Yeah, "The Friend Incident" is a little confusing. If I use fake names, perhaps it's better understood:

 

Katie is my (ex)gf. Jay is one of her best friends. Amelia is Jay's gf. Sandra is another of Katie's best friends, and Jay cheated on Amelia with Sandra.

 

SO.. When he panicked and admitted to Amelia all the slimey things he had done, Amelia told Jay that if they were ever to get together again, he would have to cut off all contact with Katie. Katie, in turn, is hugely mad at me because she holds me responsible for confronting Jay about a stupid comment he made to Katie which sent him into this panic.

 

Yes, I know I shouldn't have said anything! If I knew all this would come about, be certain I would have kept my mouth shut!

 

In regards to the previous post - Things were iffy because she had learned about me confronting Jay. THAT'S really when things turned sour. It wasn't because she was busy, or needed to get her life in order, as she told me previously. It was really because of "The Friend Incident."

 

She tells me that she has tried to forgive me all this time, and acknowledge that it was just a foolish mistake on my part, but she just can't. And with Amelia texting her, and e-mailing her threatening and degrading things about her and Sandra, that certainly doesn't help. To boot, Jay and Katie work together, and now Katie feels her job is threatened because Jay knows things about Katie that could land her in hot water!

 

My goodness, it's not like I cheated on her, it's not like I abused her. The complete opposite, I loved and cared for her with all my heart! And when Jay said, "Hey, what if I wasn't with Amelia, and you weren't with Felix?" of COURSE I'm going to confront him about that!

 

He's such a scumbag compulsive lying jerk! On top of that, he used to make sexual comments about my (ex)gf all the time, saying that he would sleep with her if it weren't for her having a daughter!!!!

 

I HATE HIM!! I absolutely do. All I did was tell him not to make such stupid comments to my gf, and look at all that's happened!! He's ruined my first love in years!

[Hyperia81]

I agree with DN.

If she truly loved you then little things would not get in the way of her being happy with you ( unless she has underlying mental problems )

She is pulling out the old bag of mistakes you made and throwing them in your face so she could land safely when the break up happened.

 

I say NC. If you do have one last word with her make sure to back yourself up 100%. Do not give in to her blaming you. Let her know that everything you did was not that serious and that she is just making excuses. Let her know that you know that she just wanted out and that you seek the same, thank her for her time and wish her well. That will hurt her more then anything else in the world.

[GottaLetItBurn]

I very much doubt that you would be together if that had not happened. I think she is using that incident as an excuse for breaking up with you so that you look like the bad guy and she doesn't have to take responsibility for wanting to break up with you.

 

Sorry - but your best bet is to go not contact, heal and move on.

 

 

I agree.

 

By using that excuse the onus of the break up was easily put on you.

[elveden]

I don't mean to sound doubting, but I think if you were REALLY in love, then a matter regarding your friends wouldn't cause such a terrible result in your relationship. Obviously there's some deeper emotion that she's battling with at the moment..

 

If you're passionate about continuing this line of love, then my advice would be to give it some time. She's obviously still interested in you (interested enough to get back together with you after breaking up the first time)..

 

Don't give up.. best of luck.

 

Keep us posted on what happens

[FelixXavier]

 

So, I've been good and maintained NC all weekend. Last time we spoke was the day of the breakup, on Friday. And she hasn't tried to contact me either.

 

I'm at the point now where I'm starting to accept that it's over, but I'm also still very much in love with her and in all truth would take her back in a heartbeat.

 

I know things might not work right now, but I still want to keep her in my life. I'm friends with all my exes, and I'd like to keep her in the same boat. I'm not the kind of person that thinks just because things didn't work on one level that should mean things couldn't work on another.

 

One of us is going to have to contact the other eventually.. she has some of my things that I'm going to need back. What's the best way to do this??

 

Part of me says, just call her, get the stuff, and go right back to strict NC. Part of me wants to actually ask her to see if she wants to hang out (and rekindle something).

 

I know I should take time off, improve myself, get what I need to get done. But I miss her terribly, and I just want to see my baby again.

 

ARGH!

[HardShowingAffection]

Give it some time... you are still very high emotionally, and if you two do contact, it will be an emotionally charged conversation. Like you said, take this time to look at YOU, improve yourself! Let her have her space, and give her time to cool off and see what you mean to her.

 

If I were you, I would really delve into yourself. Go work out, get involved with some friends and family. Pick up a book or two and start reading, you will be amazed at the changes. Then, you will be more level headed, and be able to evaluate your relationship better, as well as put some thoughts together and have a godo conversation. Until you can do that, I don't think any conversation you can have will help you in any way.

 

Let me recommend two books:

 

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz

"The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz

 

Both are super easy reads, and both will make you look at things in a whole different light. They have helped me out tremendously, and I HIGHLY recommend them.

[FelixXavier]

Aye... she just texted me.

 

I know I shouldn't write back yet. But I do want to speak to her. And I do need my stuff back.

 

Will she think less of me should I ignore her? Or will it make her realize what she left even more? She's got lots of experience, she can see through the NC game. But I also don't want to look too contactable right now.

 

Hmm.. decisions, decisions..