Seeking advice on an emotional affair

[DoctorX]

Hello all,

 

I am going through a rough time at work regarding a woman I am very attracted to. Unfortunately I am also somewhat unhappily married but I do not want to disgrace my wife.

 

Here's some background: I am 32 and got married five years ago. I have known my wife for ten years. I lived in New York City, and she lived upstate. I moved out of the city to be with her and left my family and all of my friends behind.

 

The past few years of our marriage have been rather rocky. I am very unhappy with my job but I live in a depressed area and don't have much choice. I am also stuck in a mortgage and a house I don't especially want anymore. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.

 

I was also very overweight until I had gastric bypass surgery. Now the weight is coming off in bunches.

 

A few years ago a woman joined our department. We had a great deal in common and we sat right next to each other. She found my jokes and commentary on work very funny. We quickly became friends.

 

However, she has two children and was living with her partner. She is now married.

 

We're close friends, but I am very attracted to her and I have been for some time. If this is a crush, it's one of the strongest ones I've ever had on anyone in my life. I won't say I love this girl but I am nuts for her. As far as I know, she has no idea. Our friendship is platonic and we confide in each other quite often.

 

As for my wife, I still care for her very much, but the love just isn't the same as it once was. I would feel terrible if I hurt her because she's a wonderful person. On the other hand, I am struggling with these feelings of unrequited attraction for someone I can't have anyway and it's tearing me up.

 

I am strongly thinking of getting away from here for my own good and returning to NY to be with my friends for awhile and see if I can make it on my own there. I never had the chance to do so because I went directly from living with my family to married life out of the city. This of course would mean I would be separated from my wife, but I'd be away from a bad situation, and also away from this other person I want so badly deep down inside.

 

Any advice or commentary is quite welcome.

[avman]

I think the separation from both your wife and this other person might be a wise choice. You need to discover whether you want the marriage or not and then take the steps needed to make that happen. You can't really do that when confused by another person (especially since she is unavailable as well).

 

Also, I'd recommend you NOT tell your friend of your feelings for her. I think right now that can only turn out badly for both of you.

[Beyondthesea]

It's normal to have a crush on someone here and there, I wouldn't be too worried about that. However, it doesn't sound like you are that worried about it and are more concerned about pursuing your intentions and changing your life.

 

Have you ever considered that you two hadn't had sex because you were so very overweight? Do you and your wife have the same interests and activities? Did you two ever try to work on your problems? It sounds like your situation is resolvable in my opinion.

 

I'd also like to point out, that you've only been married for 5 years. You're unhappy with your LIFE, does that include your wife? You don't like your job or house...why don't you find a new one/move? It seems you need a change in life.

 

I feel like you are trying to just run away from the world.

 

But I agree you should distance yourself from the situation and decide what you want, and def don't tell your friend.

[RayKay]

I think the separation from both your wife and this other person might be a wise choice. You need to discover whether you want the marriage or not and then take the steps needed to make that happen. You can't really do that when confused by another person (especially since she is unavailable as well).

 

Also, I'd recommend you NOT tell your friend of your feelings for her. I think right now that can only turn out badly for both of you.

 

I agree with Avman.

 

You really need to remove yourself from the situation where you are tempted by someone else to both have a clear perspective on your marriage, and to see things for what they really are.

 

You can't make a true decision as long as you have a backup basically.

 

And, your friend is married. I would advise you do not tell her. Do not stir the pot basically. I know your marriage is unhappy, but don't substitute it by getting involved in someone else's marriage too.

 

I would also suggest personal therapy/counselling for yourself, it sounds like you need some support finding your own ground again.

 

How does your wife feel about the marriage? Are you sure this is not a bond that can be rebuilt? Maybe a lot of the stress comes from general unhappiness, not marriage alone. Being depressed can often cause us to blame a relationship, when the issues may be work, personal happiness, etc. Sounds like you have made some changes (the surgery etc) and maybe you two need time to reconnect without clouding the issue with your "friend". If so, maybe marital counselling will help too.

[RandomAdvisor]

I think the separation from both your wife and this other person might be a wise choice. You need to discover whether you want the marriage or not and then take the steps needed to make that happen. You can't really do that when confused by another person (especially since she is unavailable as well).

 

Also, I'd recommend you NOT tell your friend of your feelings for her. I think right now that can only turn out badly for both of you.

 

 

I second all of this.

 

I'm really surprised to hear you're having such problems with your wife so soon. Why did you marry her?

[Batya33]

Whatever you do I would change the passive mindset - the victim thing. You act as if you had no choice but to leave NYC when you chose to do so and indeed took marriage vows - did she hold a gun to your head? I've dated a lot of different men all from NYC and it is not the hugest turn on to hear a man in his 30's play the victim as to why his relationship didn't work out, particularly when it is obvious that he made the choices and could have made different choices.

[Vert]

I second all of this.

 

I'm really surprised to hear you're having such problems with your wife so soon. Why did you marry her?

 

Someguy, the average lifespan of most marriages in the USA today is between 5-6 years. That seems to be the critical mass of a marriage lately...

 

I agree though -- why did you get married if for some reason your life with your wife is so awful? Did you stop having sex when you gained weight? Is she also overweight?

[marzek]

I like that -"married somewhat unhappily"

I bet you knew it from the very first day of your marriage! No?

[marzek]

why did you get married if for some reason your life with your wife is so awful?

What if sometimes you must marry (in most broad sens)?

[Cadence308]

RayKay suggested therapy and I think that's a good idea. Your unhappiness could ruin your life and what you have with your wife. It may be possible that you haven't been having sex with your wife because of your weight problem. Losing significant amounts of weight is a major life change itself.

 

DO NOT tell your woman friend of your feelings for her. Since she is married it would be a bad idea. Also, if she recently got married and appears happy in the relationship it is likely she only regards you as a friend and may be uncomfortable by your romantic interests.

 

Take some time away from your wife and your crush, get some therapy, and decide what it is that you want before doing anything rash!

 

GL!

[RandomAdvisor]

why did you get married if for some reason your life with your wife is so awful?

What if sometimes you must marry (in most broad sens)?

 

 

Huh?

 

Care to elaborate?

[DoctorX]

Someguy, the average lifespan of most marriages in the USA today is between 5-6 years. That seems to be the critical mass of a marriage lately...

 

I agree though -- why did you get married if for some reason your life with your wife is so awful? Did you stop having sex when you gained weight? Is she also overweight?

 

She has a weight issue, but never as extreme as my own. And yes, our sex life suffered when I stopped taking care of myself.

 

At the time, we had been seeing each other for five years, and she seemed like the right one. I saw other couples (mostly relatives of mine) getting married and starting what seemed like satisfying lives together. I assumed that with care and watering ours would go as well.

[DoctorX]

Whatever you do I would change the passive mindset - the victim thing. You act as if you had no choice but to leave NYC when you chose to do so and indeed took marriage vows - did she hold a gun to your head? I've dated a lot of different men all from NYC and it is not the hugest turn on to hear a man in his 30's play the victim as to why his relationship didn't work out, particularly when it is obvious that he made the choices and could have made different choices.

 

My wife was self-conscious about moving from upstate New York to NYC, where she believed she would never be able to compete with "city people." Of course I told her she was being too hard on herself (and was perhaps the victim of too much TV), but she was solid in this belief.

 

At the time, I was fed up with New York and wanted out. A life in the country seemed like the ticket.

 

My wife is barely five feet tall and somewhat awkward socially. She's also a teacher. How long do you think she would have survived in a New York City public school? I thought so.

[DoctorX]

I like that -"married somewhat unhappily"

I bet you knew it from the very first day of your marriage! No?

Quite the opposite. We were very happily married at first; the typical, cooing, almost sickly-sweet lovers. Several near-bankruptcies, one unwanted mortgage, and innumerable petty fights later, the feeling just isn't the same now.

[DoctorX]

I would also suggest personal therapy/counselling for yourself, it sounds like you need some support finding your own ground again.

 

 

Actually, I am currently seeling a counsellor regarding this issue as I can no longer face this myself.

[mom2be]

My husband is having an emotional affair and it is devasting. Just realize your actions cause reactiosn in other peoples lives. take care.