What sort of timing should there be for moving in together?

[alyira]

Just out of curiosity. What sort of dating/commitment time requirement do you feel is necessary to shack up with someone? Not necessarily buy a house together, I'm moreso referring to just an apartment, or is it more of an individual 'go by what the relationship is like' deal? My parents believe strongly in not living together before marriage, which has its valid points, or at least waiting years and years to live together, and I just wanted to get some diff views.

[Scotcha]

Personally I believe in truly knowing someone before moving in with them. I'd rather wait a couple of years before doing so. I won't say that I would wait until marriage but I do think it should be in the possible future. Of course, as a single parent I do tend to be more cautious.

[melrich]

I think it is case by case to a certain extent. I moved in with my partner after only being together 2 months. It worked but generally I'd say that is too short a time.

 

Maybe a rule of thumb would be something like having been together a year plus. But it really depends on so much, the relationship itself, your circumstances, finances etc etc.

[Hope75]

I agree with Melrich. I moved in with my boyfriend after just 6 weeks, and we are going on 4 years. I don't think that works in every case though, and in retrospect we probably should have waited longer and gotten to know one another better before we made that kind of commitment.

 

I have no regrets now though, I love him and I love living with him and I wouldn't change it for anything.

 

I think it depends on the individual couple.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, it really depends on each individual case. Knowing and being comfortable with the person first is a good start though.

Just from my own experience, I think it is a good idea to do 'trial runs' before moving in together. Spend a few weeks together first, or a lot of time doing day-to-day things.

In my case, my bf was already staying at my place nearly all the time anyways. We couldn't stand being apart for long, we had a routine set up (even had settled work duties and timing and each others bad habits), so it no longer made sense to pay for two places!

[HardShowingAffection]

With two of my ex's, it was a bit over a year before we lived together, and I think we were just comfortable at that point.

 

One thing that I would recommend though is to talk about the situation. Lay out some ground rules so that you guys don't end up stepping on one anothers' toes causing conflicts, especially if it is the first time not living at home. Remember that the two of you have your comfort zones, and this is a totally new situation, so things will be different. You knew exactly what pushed your parents buttons when you lived at home, and you knew your safety nets.... this is something that will be re-learned once living with your partner. Not that it is a bad thing, but things will be different.

 

Make sure there are open roads of communication, and that you work together on situations instead of against one another.

 

I think living together before marraige can be a very positive thing. On one hand, it can really give you a chance to feel someone out before making that kind of commitment. On the other hand, if/when things get tough when going through some of the trials of living together, without marriage, it might make it easier for one partner to run from the situation.

 

Just thoughts.... good luck!

[nottoogreen]

Just out of curiosity. What sort of dating/commitment time requirement do you feel is necessary to shack up with someone? Not necessarily buy a house together, I'm moreso referring to just an apartment, or is it more of an individual 'go by what the relationship is like' deal? My parents believe strongly in not living together before marriage, which has its valid points, or at least waiting years and years to live together, and I just wanted to get some diff views.

 

Whenever you know each other deeply and

 

Whenever you respect each other deeply and

 

Whenever you can do a lot more together than just talk and enjoy and

 

When you can handle a 24/7 operation from affection over laundry to taking care of the trash and

 

when marriage would not make any difference then you are ready.

 

Thus when you are ready to stay together you are ready to marry as long as you love each other as well.

[alyira]

Thanks everyone for the replies so far Me and my boy decided to move in together come the end of summer, so I've been curious as to what general reactions would be.

 

We have both lived on our own (me, past two years, him, past 7 years as he's been out on his own since he went to boarding school at 16) though neither of us have moved in or wanted to move in with a S.O., we both have been in the token "several-year-long-very-painful-and-horrible-but-many-life-lessons-are-learned" relationships, as well as several other relationships, so we both feel like we know what we want and have 'had our fun' so to speak. I guess the weird thing is that everything has always been so natural between us, from the transition from friends, to courting, to being 'officially together', and this is no different.

 

The weird part is that...well...it DOESN'T weird me out all to talk and plan with him on moving in. When my exboyfriend of three years brought it up back in the day, it freaked me out to no end and made me horribly anxious (he was a chronic cheater anyway, so good thing!) We communicate really well, and I know he's on the same page when it comes to wanting to live together, because heck, he gets all excited whenever we talk about it and brings it up as much as if not a bit more than me. Mind you, we don't obsess over it...we both have our own friends and other things on the go.

 

I guess I just wanted to see what everyone else thought about the moving in together issue as it's a bit controversial, and I've got to say, it seems like we fit most of the criteria that people have pointed out. So yay! We will see how it goes

[nottoogreen]

Hi, Alyira

 

You both sound positively ready and all excited. Be blessed, go ahead and good luck. :splat:

[itsallgrand]

Yes, good luck to both of ya.

 

Sounds wonderful. I'm excited for you.

[RayKay]

I think it is case by case to a certain extent. I moved in with my partner after only being together 2 months. It worked but generally I'd say that is too short a time.

 

Maybe a rule of thumb would be something like having been together a year plus. But it really depends on so much, the relationship itself, your circumstances, finances etc etc.

 

I agree with melrich as well.

 

In the past, I always felt I wanted to wait until I moved in with someone, a year, whatever. I never actually DID move in with them though, and I realize now because deep down I knew they weren't the ones. I did not want moving in together to be "practice" for marriage. I did not want a series of trial "move ins" before I met the right one. I really wanted to move in with someone whom I also wanted to marry, basically. Not just because it was the "next thing to do" but because it is what we WANTED to do.

 

I also believe living with someone does have you knowing them in a very different way, and it is important. Not everyone agrees with it, but for me, it is important that I know someone on those levels before we get married, I want to know we can live together, before I pledge to live my life with them!

 

I moved in with my current partner three months into the relationship, and we had discussed it one month or so into it. We have been living together about 16 months now, and just bought a house together. Marriage is not in plans for a while because of requirements for me to get student loans. No regrets here! I absolutely love living with him.

 

However, some places are also not as protective for common law relationships which needs to be considered. And before you move in, you really should be sure you are on the same page. If one of you has expectations that you will get married in 6-12 months if you move in, and the other sees it as a end all (ie not getting married) there is going to be conflict! I also really think it is VERY good to have some experience living on your own first (both of you separately). Not a necessity, but from what I have seen in friends, it seems to have both people being more responsible and aware of what living "on your own" entails, so one of you is not stuck with all the responsibilities.

[alyira]

Thanks for pointing out the common-law relationship protection tidbit RayKay! I think I will look into the specifics of that.

 

Like I said in my second post in this thread, we both have lived on our own..me for two years, up until recently, and him for about 7. Without a doubt, we are on the same page when it comes to moving in together (communication is our strong point; we've both been in relationships with chronic liars/cheaters, so we've made it a point from the first to be straight out honest and open with each other.) And marriage is to occur when we've both finished our degrees, which should take another 3 years. So we have thought this through fairly well in an adult like manner (even though my boyfriend gets giddy as a school girl when he counts down the days till we get to live together Oh hell, I do too, who am I kidding?)

 

I've also had relationships before where an ex bf of 3 years wanted to live together, and I knew the moment he brought it up that it wouldn't work and it wasn't right. This time around, it feels right and natural.

 

Thanks for the excellent, practical advice!! And I am glad that it worked out for you and your partner so well!

 

Also, student loans are the devil. Well...at least in the Maritimes.

[RayKay]

Alyira,

 

I just noticed you are in Canada. Not sure if there are differences in the provinces, but I know here (MB) that common law is effective at 6 months IF you present yourself as common-law (such as tax forms, mortgages, etc). If you DON'T do that, it becomes automatic at 3 years, however that would be retroactive to 6 months in case of dissolution of the relationship.

 

Like you, we cannot get married until I am done my next degree, as I need the loans (yes they are the devil here as well!) and we don't officially present ourself as common law right now, so we aren't yet.

And, neither of us wanted to wait to put our lives on hold forever for loans! I am not opposed to a LONG engagement though . Maybe I have a different viewpoint then many though - my mum & stepfather have been together 20+ years never married (by their choice) and I don't think that's so bad either! Others do however have more negative experiences with living together.

 

 

I think you sound like you have talked it over well, and I read your other post again with your update about the email thing, and honestly it sounds like you are both very communicative and address these issues when they arise. There are no guarantees, but I think it sounds like you are both approaching this maturely. Good luck!