my friend keeps cheating on her boyfriend

[scaryfairy]

My friend has been seeing her boyfriend for over 5 years now and she was planning to marry him have kids etc - but we recently went on a holiday with all of our group of friends and whilst there she ended up sleeping with one of our male friends who also has a long term girlfriend. When she came back she told us she felt so guilty and would never cheat again. At first we all understood because she has never had any other boyfriends or been with any other men. But since then she has been still flirting with this guy and although she hasnt slept with him she has slept in his bed and kissed him a number of times - to me this still counts as she cheating but she doesn't see it that way. But she also seems to lead other guys on and lots of the guys fancy her and think that they have a chance with her now because of this and she seems to love the attention but doesnt see the way she comes accross. Myself and our other friends our concerned about the way this guy seems to be leading her on as he continually cheats on his girlfriend and really only wants her for a shag. If her boyfriend ever found out he would be very heart broken - we are also never alowed to meet her boyfriend even though we would never say anything to him because we wouldnt want her to be unhappy. But how can we make her see that what she is doing isn't fair to her boyfriend and that she might end up more hurt without seeming to be too harsh? We don't really know how to explain to her we have tried being subtle but it just doesn't work.

[Iceman26]

There isn't really anything that you can do, other than to tell her that you feel that what she is doing is wrong. As the old saying goes "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"

[RayKay]

Tell her if she is so sure it is not cheating she should tell her boyfriend about it!

 

Stop being subtle then.

 

Tell her you love her, but you absolutely cannot agree with her actions anymore and that you do not want to be a participant in what she is doing (that means removing yourself from situations where she is flirting/kissing, and so on).

 

Now what you do next depends on your limits. Personally, I HAVE stopped being friends with someone whom was doing similar as your friend. Why? Because I realized our values were so different, and that I could not continue to condone their actions anymore. The friendship was lost, but I honestly don't regret it to this day. I just could not align myself as friends with someone whom was doing that to someone. If you want to go that route, then you kind of have to tell her she fess up or quit it, or lose the friendship.

 

If you KNEW her boyfriend as a friend, I would have said maybe it's time to talk to him, but since you don't it's a bit trickier. He may not believe you, and if he does bring it up to her she may just hide it better.

[flower99]

oh wow, this is hard.

I very much agree that what she is doing is cheating & I feel terrible for her boyfriend.

She doesn't think sleeping in another mans bed & kissing them is cheating.? Have you asked her how she would feel if it was her boyfriend sleeping with another women & kissing her?

Maybe subtle isn't the way to approach this one (cause it hasn't worked yet). Tell her you are concerned about her & where her actions will take her. You know it can't lead to anything good, only pain. This man is using her (cause she allows it), she is hurting her bf, for fun? as well as cheating & lying. The least SHE could do is to be up front with her bf, he deserves that. He can than make the decision to stay with her or check out his other options as she has began to do.

love the friend but not the actions.

[yeawutever]

I would say keep quite about this, you never wanna be the messenger if you were to meet up with the boyfriend. Don't tell him anything about it, just tell your friend how you feel about it.

[jabele]

Definitely a tough situation.

 

Would you feel comfortable just opening up a conversation with her...not necessarily being like: "oh, I disapprove of what you're doing" but actually understand what shes feeling...

 

Maybe shes doing this stuff out of fear of commitment or lack of supportive people to vent to. I'm not saying you should sit there and nod and smile, but really let her get her thoughts and feelings out

[Skippy]

I would tell it straight as it is.

At times i dont even know that i am screwing up in life and thats is when i need a good friend to tell me as it is.

She is cheating and she is a silly girl for doing this. If she doesnt have a problem with it, then tell her tat you saw her boyfriend kissing someone else and see her reaction. Of course you tell her immediately that it is a lie, but that point has to be made.

I rely on my friends, if they cant tell me the truth as it is , they arent my friends.

[eleanorrigby1]

mnn this is a tough one. People need to make their own mistakes and learn the hard way. It is her life, her decisions and her relationship at steak. Although you may not be in agreement with the way she behaves remind yourself of the things that make her your friend in the first place and try not to judge. She has her reasons, maybe she is really insecure maybe she needs the attention to feel atractive but it goes too far.

 

I have a very close friend who cheats on her boyfriend all the time. I hate cheating i would neve cheat on my boyfriend. She knows I dont agree with what she does but she is a good friend to me and so I dont judge her on it, she has her reasons I am sure.

 

i remember once when I was about 19 i had a boyfriend who I thought myself to be madly inlove with, but then at a party I bumped into my ex and ended up snogging him. My best friend went mad at me screaming in my face saying i was terrible and to tell my boyfriend and I was crying my eyes out, she had been my best friend since childhood and she hardly knew my boyfriend, I was shocked she was so mad at me, if she chose not to cheat them fine, she didnt have to agree with me, but we didnt speak for three years after that night. I knew myself it was wrong and I regretted it and I ended things with my boyfriend soon after.

 

Let your friend make her own mistake, ask her why she feels the need to do it, but dont desert her, she may need you, and dont issue ultimatums to her. She is the boss of herself and responsible for her own actions. This doesnt make her a bad person.

[scaryfairy]

Thanks for your advice - I would never have any intention of telling her boyfriend thats up to her. Our main concern is the guy that she is cheating with he is really manipulative and although he is my friend too, he seems to manage to lure lots of women into his bed despite having a gf aswell - and i think my friend believes that she is different to all these other women that somehow they have something special and really it is all an illusion - this guy really isn't anything special and hes quite manipulative - but i just see him as kind of sleazy. No offence to him but hes not even good looking her boyfriend is sooo much better looking and soo much nicer - but she is so easily manipulated by him she hangs on his every word and I think he just says what she wants to hear but we can't seem to make her see that as she is so taken in with him. I'm not even subtle with this aswell we have told her that he is gross but she just wont have it - maybe there is not really anything we can do until she really see's it for herself.

[alyssajones]

Sounds like she's going to learn some lessons about life the hard way. And unfortunately her boyfriend is going to get caught up in it as well.

 

The only thing I could suggest is to talk to her, try to stay on a neutral basis, show her you care about her well being, and she'll have to make her own decisions based on that.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Why not tell her how uncomfortable the whole situation makes you and how her actions are affecting you.

 

You can tell her you have absolutely no intentions of telling her bf but that YOU feel very strongly what she's doing is wrong.

 

If you make it about YOU, like "I can't see you do this anymore, it's too much for ME to take," she may feel less attacked and there's more of a chance of keeping your friendship intact.

 

Maybe you could ask her to not talk to you about any of it anymore. At all.

[Momene]

I'm afraid it's really your friend's business. I would say that if she wants attention, she should split from him.

 

Sleeping with someone as one mistake isn't OK but is understandable (done it myself). Repeating the behaviour means she can't carry on.