Does my boyfriend like guys? What should I do?

[Jane_Beard]

Hi there, I'm new to the forum. This seams like a board full of intelligent

and enlightened people, just the place to ask about my difficult situation.

 

I'm a straight women with, I think, good intuition. But I do not possess the sixth sense

known as "gay-dar." I promise I am the last to know about others' sexual preferences.

I've been the last girlfriend of a couple of guys. A while back I went out on several

"dates" with a consultant from my office --he talked about his ex-roommate's amazing modern

furniture collection, and I thought he meant in collage-- and I never imagined he might be gay.

That is, until he introduced me to his new boyfriend a few months later.

 

Right now I'm seeing someone who, apparently, registers on many people's gay-dar.

He's stylish and soft spoken, he attends art openings, works out, and is admirably neat

around his well-decorated home. He jokes about how he is straight, but is constantly

hit on by guys. How others see him doesn't bother me, so long as I'm not getting in the

way of his discovering a new way to see himself. He's always the first one to point out

hot guys, or shirtless guys, or guys in tights. I've never had a boyfriend before who

seemed so aware of these things, but that alone is not a problem for me.

Other things might be, though.

 

We've been spending a lot of time lately with another couple. I'm pretty sure the guy in

that couple is bi. Again, I'm not good at spotting 'em, but he's very stylish and has a

whole lot of rainbows around his house. Also, my boyfriend said the guy made a pass at him

once. The four of us have been taking in musical theatre and going to wine tastings

--not once, at any of these events, have I seen this guy and his "girlfriend" so much as

hold hands-- and every time we're together it seams like this fellow is getting closer to

making a move. If he isn't interested, I don't understand why my boyfriend isn't being

more direct with this guy. Instead, he's planning the menu for our next dinner with them.

 

Perhaps I'm reading too much into things, I don't know. I love this guy. We have a great

relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. Maybe I shouldn't worry, but I wonder what

is the right thing to do? I certainly don't want to keep my boyfriend from exploring things

he needs to about himself. Nor do I want to push him down a road he wasn't meant to go.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[TheRedQueen]

here goes...

 

In my opinion a straight woman who is dating a gay guy, is seeking the security and company of a best friend, evidence for this seems to reveal itself in what often tends to be a minimal to nonexistent sexlife between them.

 

Two words of advice, from both personal and closely observed experience,

women who seek these relationships repeatedly are either gay themselves, or suffering from some deeply rooted emotional(ie intimacy issues) and or physical(problems or concerns with sexuality) insecurity.

 

From what I gather from your post, your boyfriend seems to be gay

as for homosexuality, it's not all black and white, we seem to forget all the varying degrees. For ex. on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being super gay, and 10 being super straight, I'd rate myself a 7, the point is this have you ever been with a really straight guy? and if so were you able to detect any diff.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Jane_Beard, this is interesting!

 

Sorry, I have to talk about my gf and me first before getting to the point.

 

My gf is bi-courious. She "instinctively" looks at girls. We can sit somewhere and look at and talk about girls. We have the same taste so it is sort of fun. She has few female friends. She has male friends who see her as sister. I think she does not register on gay-dar and she is not hit on by women. We once had a threesome where she got off like a rocket when #3 got down on her. She is not interested in erotic stories but at times reads heterosexual love stories.

 

I am as straight as an arrow, "instinctively" look at girls, never look at guys but I seem to register on gay-dar. In younger years my family thought I was gay. I got hit on by guys. I have few male friends but have female friends who see me as brother. I had my first gf age 23. I find lesbian sex soooo erotic and love to read erotic lesbian stories. Yes, I resolved it that I could have been born a woman, to be with a woman.

 

My gf was not aware/open to the fact of being bi-curious until we talked about it over the years and agreed that she was. We are together on and off over 9 years, have 2 kids and this was never an issue in our relationship.

 

Confused - surely beats me.

 

To the point.

 

As your bf "instinctively" looks at guys and talks about them, your bf may be bi-courious.

 

How this may affect your relationship is what you have to talk about with him. Communication is everything.

 

I have an idea how to find out. There are erotic stories at link removed

Can you browse through them with him and see what he likes.

[novaseeker]

here goes...

 

In my opinion a straight woman who is dating a gay guy, is seeking the security and company of a best friend, evidence for this seems to reveal itself in what often tends to be a minimal to nonexistent sexlife between them.

 

From what I gather from your post, your boyfriend seems to be gay

 

Based on what? The OP says that they have a good life in the bedroom, which would go very against one of the main indicators for a woman being in a relationship with a gay man. The OP indicates that the bedroom life is good .. which tells me it's less likely that the OP's BF is gay.

 

On the other hand, he very well could be bisexual, based on some of the things that the OP has written, or perhaps confused/repressed somewhat.

[FoxLocke]

I don't know whether or not he's 100% Gay, but he is half way there. I think he is bisexual.

And I am not basing this upon his impeccable taste in clothing or love of art. The fact that he is checking out other men is a clue that he is ATLEAST bicurious.

 

Two words of advice, from both personal and closely observed experience,

women who seek these relationships repeatedly are either gay themselves, or suffering from some deeply rooted emotional(ie intimacy issues) and or physical(problems or concerns with sexuality) insecurity.

 

I had a situation like this. Long story short one of my ex-girlfriends revealed to me that she was a lesbian. That is when I told her I was gay too. The irony of the situation was weird.

[jabele]

In my opinion a straight woman who is dating a gay guy, is seeking the security and company of a best friend, evidence for this seems to reveal itself in what often tends to be a minimal to nonexistent sexlife between them.

 

Two words of advice, from both personal and closely observed experience,

women who seek these relationships repeatedly are either gay themselves, or suffering from some deeply rooted emotional(ie intimacy issues) and or physical(problems or concerns with sexuality) insecurity.

 

In response to this, from what the Poster seems to be saying, she's not looking to hang out with gay men...she seems to just be having really bad luck. Maybe she likes the kind of guy who is artsy...but also, she dated that consultant guy from work who seemed straight and turned out not to be...

 

I think if she was actively seeking relationships with "outted" gay men, maybe what you are saying would hold true...but I don't think thats the case here. Plus, she has good sexual relationships wtih this guy.

 

What do others think?

[Jane_Beard]

I'm not seeking out gay men, at least I don't think so. I'm attracted to smart, sensitive, and creative guys. I have dated some guys before who turned out to be gay, and this might be giving me a complex.

 

TheRedQueen asked if I'd "ever been with a really straight guy", and it's hard to answer that. Can heterosexuality come in degrees? I've never been with a tough, hetero guy (I almost used the word macho here, but thought better of it). I feel pretty confident that some of the men I've dated were exclusively into the ladies.

 

The thing I'm dealing with in this relationship is that my boyfriend seems very aware of other men. He jokes about being perceived as gay, and says it makes him uncomfortable, but he still wants to hang out with a guy who once made a pass at him. There have been a couple of other incidents where guys have come onto him since we met, and the thing is he tells me about them. I just don't know what to think.

 

Is he repressed? Yeah, a bit. I guess we both are, in our ways. I don't think I could ask him directly about his feelings towards men, not without hurting him. I think more than one girl has left him over this issue. It's possible that I'm just reading too much into this, that it has more to do with my past experiences than his behavior.

[nottoogreen]

I'm not seeking out gay men, at least I don't think so. I'm attracted to smart, sensitive, and creative guys. I have dated some guys before who turned out to be gay, and this might be giving me a complex.

 

TheRedQueen asked if I'd "ever been with a really straight guy", and it's hard to answer that. Can heterosexuality come in degrees? I've never been with a tough, hetero guy (I almost used the word macho here, but thought better of it). I feel pretty confident that some of the men I've dated were exclusively into the ladies.

 

It is hard to say how many men are bi. Guesses vary wildly from 10% and up.

The thing I'm dealing with in this relationship is that my boyfriend seems very aware of other men. He jokes about being perceived as gay, and says it makes him uncomfortable, but he still wants to hang out with a guy who once made a pass at him. There have been a couple of other incidents where guys have come onto him since we met, and the thing is he tells me about them. I just don't know what to think.

Who makes a pass at him does not matter. What he looks at and talks about matters. He ever looks at or talks about girls?

Is he repressed? Yeah, a bit. I guess we both are, in our ways. I don't think I could ask him directly about his feelings towards men, not without hurting him. I think more than one girl has left him over this issue. It's possible that I'm just reading too much into this, that it has more to do with my past experiences than his behavior.

Perhaps you attract also softer men which are gay-like.

 

What about buy a gay magazine and leave it for him to find? When he asks you, you could tell him you are curious about gays - not a lie. When he looks at it you can ask about his feelings.

[jabele]

What about buy a gay magazine and leave it for him to find? When he asks you, you could tell him you are curious about gays - not a lie. When he looks at it you can ask about his feelings.

 

I second that plan!

[stolenshadow]

Hello, if you can only guess then it's going to be difficult, you won't be objective since you have feelings for him.

 

I think if you want to get a book on the subject of homosexuality it should be because you want to know more about it, not to cause a reaction from your ex, if there's not a clear dialog about it then there shouldn't be games either.

 

Your guy possibly just likes males in the same way most girls like girls, the "she has a nice dress", "those are some awesome shoes" or "that girl's hair is so soft and shiny", also, the guy might be more feminine than masculine, there's nothing unusual about it, that could also be the reason why he's not too bothered by male attention, he doesn't feel attacked, just flattered.

 

But I think you have to be honest with him, tell him what bothers you, have a long talk and make sure he feels he can trust you, if he's gay you have a right to know now, not when he's ready to tell you.