More fighting

[horty232]

My gf and i have been fighting it seems like forever now...we have even broken up and gotten back together twice within the last 2 or 3 months... we have been together for a year and a half but lately all we do is fight... i feel like the fighting is tearing our relationship apart and i dont know what to do about it anymore.... recently my gf accused me of talking to another girl about our problems more than i talk to her(my gf) but thats untrue... i always go to my gf about our problems first and it just seems like they never get resolved so i ask the other girl for advice... my gf on the other hand thinks there is more going on and i try to tell her that it is jsut a friendship between us but she doesnt believe me.... my gf said she wants me to stop talking to this other girl or she will be done with our relationship(yet on the other hand she says she cant live without me) and im not going to let her tell me who i can and cant talk to especially since this girl is a good friend... i dont know what to do any advice about my situation? i am in love with my gf i just cant deal with fighting arguing and being accused of things that arent true anymore...but on the other hand i want things to work out and i dont want to break up

[DN]

It might help if we knew your ages. Sometimes it makes a difference.

[horty232]

young 18 both of us

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Hey, Horty, I'm not saying anything's going on between you and this other girl. But anytime you go to outside people too much and divulge personal info about your relationship to them, it can cause big problems. Some people do this with their mothers or other family members, some people do this with friends. Probably makes your girlfriend think you don't respect your relationship and what other intimate details are you sharing with this other girl, and she may feel ganged up on. I think you should stop doing that.

[babypink61]

Hey horty232,

 

I don't think your girlfriend has the right to tell you who you can be friends with. I personally think it's perfectly fine to talk to your close friends about your relationship problems. I do that sometimes with my close friends and they've given me some of the best advice! But make sure you communicate with your girlfriend as well because she might feel left out. Do you hang out with this female friend often? How close are you guys? As long as you know nothing will happen between the two of you guys and your girlfriend is the only person you want to be with, then you should have nothing to worry about. Your girlfriend will just need to learn to respect your friendship and not give you ultimatums. That is not fair to you or your friend.

[horty232]

its not really intimate details im sharing with this girl though...its just asking her advice on some of the fighting that goes on because shes been through a five year relationship...i dont know its the exact same thing as coming on here and discussing a fight that just happened... i dont know if im in the wrong i guess i can accept i can see where your coming from how it would make her feel i dont respect the relationship...but where else can i go for help when i need it...whats right and whats wrong?

[RayKay]

Hey, Horty, I'm not saying anything's going on between you and this other girl. But anytime you go to outside people too much and divulge personal info about your relationship to them, it can cause big problems. Some people do this with their mothers or other family members, some people do this with friends. Probably makes your girlfriend think you don't respect your relationship and what other intimate details are you sharing with this other girl, and she may feel ganged up on. I think you should stop doing that.

 

I agree with this point. While we all need some outside advice time to time, you need to be careful about sharing too much personal information with others, it kind of breaks down the bond you have as a couple in confiding and communicating, if that makes sense.

 

People then also take sides, further blurring the issue. Good case in point is an ex of mine had a best friend (female) whom would always just tell him I was not the one for him (she was jealous you see, of not being main one in his life anymore) over very small things - "What, she says tomatoe and you say tamata - she's not the one!". Well, she turned out to be right in that he was not one for me, but still, it really really jaded things. He actually broke it off with me the day after she told him she should dump me. He probably would of broken it off on his own, but her presense was a conflict a few times because of things like this.

 

Now, you can find even with parents they will side with you, automatically putting her on defensive side too.

 

Try to resolve things together, and while sometimes another perspective can be very helpful, just be careful about how often you turn to it at the expense of talking to your partner about it.

 

Of course, I am not saying don't be friends with this girl. Your girlfriend cannot dictate whom you choose to be friends with or not, especially since there is nothing "going on" there.

 

I think you have to decide if this relationship is worth the effort anymore though, if it's all fighting, is it really what you want anymore? What are you fighting about?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Exactly Raykay, I had a BF who badmouthed me to his mother and four brothers all the time (and I'm sure plenty of other people too), which of course his behavior only led to alienating me, and causing me to dump him. Then he proceeded to beg and plead with me to take him back for months on end, which I declined.

[DN]

If you need to talk about your relationship - do it on here. I would not like to think my wife was talking about any problems we might have to a friend. I would see that as an intrusion into my privacy - and then I would be very reluctant to talk to her about any problems for worrying about what she was going to share with other people.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

Well technically, you're sharing very intimate details with complete strangers right now, some of which are female. There's nothing wrong with asking advice from a male OR female friend, as long as you don't cross two lines: 1) You are strictly platonic friends. 2) Your girlfriend is your best friend, and the person you talk to first about everything. In other words, you don't talk to this other girl about things you don;t tell the girlfriend about.

As far as the fighting goes, I think 100% of all long term relationships have atleast one period like this. I know I did. It was rough. Seeing a relationship counselor or a church pastor might help you. You have to ask yourself if your relationship is worth fixing. Consider things like how much of yourself you've invested into this other person, how you felt before all the fighting started, how your life would be affected without your girlfriend in it, what it would be like if you could fix whatever your problems are. You are 18, and you are a man. I think you're mature enough for a relationship. Is your girlfriend? If so, I think you know what you need to do.

[HardShowingAffection]

I believe that if you two are fighting alot, there are some obvious communication issues. You need to learn how to approach, handle, and resolve your conflicts in a positive way that is going to build up your relationship instead of tearing it down. It seems that you both are 'trying to be heard' instead of listening to one another and working together to find resolution. This is definitely not healthy, and will destroy your relationship in the long run.

 

I would suggest working together. Don't get defensive. Realize that if you want to make things better, you have to act in a positive manner no matter what the situation. If she is venting, listen to her... put yourself in her shoes... validate her feelings. Once you understand why she feels the way that she does, ask what you can do to help her mediate the situation.

 

Once she lets you know, you can also have your own inputs, but you have to work together! Standing firm, raising your defenses, and attacking one another will get you nowhere!

 

Pick up a communication book. I have learned alot from the simple advice that they give, and it will help me greatly in the future. I suggest:

 

"Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw

"Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks

"Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict" by Jonathan Robinson

 

Especially if you are both willing to work, I can guarantee that if taken seriously, these books will change your relationship forever!

 

Good Luck!