My Ex's Actions

[heartbroken23]

Hi,

 

My ex and I of 5 years broke up about 2 years ago. Went through the whole break up thing, no contact, friends, no contact to being friendly at this point in time. She immediatley started a relationship after about a month or our break up. Right now I can say I am over her, I am dating a girl now who i like very much, but we are not a couple (many reasons why not). I can talk with my ex about things now without getting upset, we have both matured alot since our break up. I see it in her and she def. sees it in me. We both have changed dramatically in 2 years. We always said, "who knows what will happen in the future". We talk on the phone every once in a while and talk online pretty regularly. Well some things have happened in the past couple of weeks that struck me as out of the ordinary.

 

1. I told her I wanted to tell her something random, to which she responded "What, you're getting Married". joking around I said yes, and I am moving to Jersey with the girl I date. This was not what I wanted to tell her, but I decided to joke around with her after she said that. There was along pause, and I said "I am only kidding, jeez, why would I get married?" to which she responded" Oh my god I was really upset, i was almost crying". Why would she react like that sfter 2 years if she has a BF especially?

 

2. She sent me pics from a wedding she was in (one of them was a really funny pic, she is tiny and her wedding partner was a giant...but she also sent me individual shots of herself, and only her. Why?

 

3. She then sent me an email saying "wanna hang out?" I need to get a dress for another wedding I have to go to, and I want to go to your mall.

 

4. She said she tried to get drunk (not really a drinker) at th ewedding she was in because she was annoyed. I asked why she was annoyed and one of her reasons was "Because Paul (her BF) is so unbelieveably quiet and does not talk, it is annoying". I said it could be worse, to which she responded "I guess".

 

It is these things among many other things (always wanting to be my friend, crying if she knew I had a GF or was dating, writing me saying "Miss Ya"...can anyone tell me what her intentions are if any? Am I reading too much into things? What is she feeling? I am fine, I am not wanting to get back together with her, I am pretty much over her, but I found her actions as of late to be weird. Please offer insight. Thanks!

[robowarrior]

Oh come on, anyone can see that she had a 'picture' of you and her getting married and having a future. When you made that joke, it in emotional sense its the same as shattering a picture to the ground breaking the glass into many pieces. So of course that made her upset. That's the delicate difference between reality and what you dream for in your life. Im sure you have dreams too, if they get shattered by any given comment im sure you could relate.

[heartbroken23]

Understandable, but we broke up 2 years ago and she is still with a guy that she started dating a couple of months after we broke up. Why should it bother her, unless she is not happy in her current relationship. I mean it is obviou she was a rebound. And what about her other actions?

[Beyondthesea]

I wouldn't see her anymore, this is the reason for no contact. Residual feelings hang around and cloud judgement.

 

You broke up for a reason...what was it? That's the reason you two cannot be together, because whatever it was, it was apparently unresolvable. A good, solid relationship doesn't break in half over any issue, it gets resolved and you move forward stronger than before.

 

She is obviously flirting with the idea of dating you again, but not enough to break it off with the guy she is currently seeing.

 

Personally I would be offended and move on. You don't need to be the 'other guy.'

[chai714]

Welcome back to the boards heartbroken, I remember your story very clearly.

 

It's tough to draw conclusions based on a few photos sent by email. Her wanting to hang out though is something to examine. Seems like your interest is on and off with her but that you'll always feel something deep down for her.

 

If you're interested in her, hang out with her. Pay attention to her body language and at the end of the "hang-out session," initiate another "hang-out session" if you desire. When you have momentum, use it.

[heartbroken23]

Chai,

 

Good to hear from you. It will be interesting if I hang out with her this time because i dont have that feeling of "I want to get back together, or I miss her". I have pretty muched moved on, she is a friend now so iyt makes it much easier to hang out for me. i will prob initiate another hang out session depending how things go. Why not? I do not want to get back together and i can handle being friends. I just do not know her intentions....she acts like she is not fully over me by her actions (crying, wanting to hang out, wanting to show me pics of her, etc...). I am not sure if things are so rosy in her current relationship. I mean it is totaly obvious looking back that he was a rebound...but a rebound that lasts 2 years almost? Not so sure.

[chai714]

A rebound can evolve into a relationship. At some point, they passed the "rebounding" point and it evolved into what it is today. What that is, I'm not sure.

 

She seems emotional still over you, which indicates feelings. Not sure if she desires you still but as an outsider I would bet that it would not be difficult to spark something up. Good luck.

[Diva26]

O.k. A couple of things could be happening here. We girls can be quite complex (and conniving)at times. She may not even be aware of it, but she could be jealous that you are over her and moving on. It is the "I'm over you, but how can you be over me" scenario. She may be unhappy with her relationship and is remembering qualities in you that she found endearing when the two of you were together. She also may be playing a game with herself.To see of you are still attracted to her on some level, and if you're not, at this point, how far does she have to go to get it to that point? Indeed if she is dissatisfied with who she is with, she may need to feel that she is still appealing to the opposite sex, and who better to test the waters with, than someone who had a romantic connection with her. It doesn't mean that she is a bad person, by any means. If you are confident that you are over her, then hang out with her. But if you have no feelings for her romantically anymore, let her know. Women can be very obsessive, and if you don't get that issue out on the table so that she understands,she may turn into the dreaded ex that prevents any potential future with other women instead of a good friend that you can casually, comfortably hang with and talk with.Good luck

[chai714]

I partially agree with you. I agree that you should hang out with her ONLY if you are over her (or can appear to be over her). Her crying over you though tells me there's something more than just you being her ex and a familiar face. Emotions such as crying, (unless she's a drama queen) usually indicate deeper feelings. Afterall, humans generally don't cry over something they don't care about or value.

 

I disagree with you telling her that you have no romantic feelings for her. Generally speaking, you should not tell your ex or any potential woman how you feel about her. It's much more effective to show with your body language that you're attracted to her and that you like her. Conversely, you can "tune her out" with your body language if you're NOT attracted to her. Since you're past the stage of attraction and liking has previously taken place, in my opinion it will be much easier to set yourself up in the direction you choose to go.

[tylercdurden2004]

Dont you mean playing a game with him?

[friscodj]

Five years is a long time to spend in a relationship, and after spending 5 years of being intimate with another person in a relationship, it's only natural to form a permanent bond on some level with that person. And even after 2 years apart, doing your own things, seeing other people, etc. there is still some level of connection there based on your history alone if nothing else.

 

As to her intentions or feelings, who really knows. She may not even really know. We can all speculate until we are blue in the face on that one.

 

Now the question is why do you care? What is your motivation here? Does this situation make you uncomfortable and why? Why are you so inquisitive about this? I would explore that question and go from there.

[Diva26]

No, I mean playing a game with herself. Alot of women go out to bars for example, and see how many men they can attract, how many numbers they can give away(some even keep a tally of how many men they can bring home)etc. Ive had alot of girl roomates, and even I used to flirt to see how appealing the other sex was. Sick, eh? That's human nature for ya. You do have a point though. By her playing this game she may be sucking him into it as well.

[heartbroken23]

Why do I care? I don't know, I just wonder what peoples intentions are when i feel they are out of the ordinary. I am not saying I wouldnt get back with my ex. I just dont want to right now. I have the mentality of whatever happens, happens. I can see her and not feel sad, not feel like I want her back. I can genuninely say that. If something happened in the future and things happened, then they do, if not, whatever...I am not puttign my life on hold with the hopes of us getting back together. Actually I want nothing more than to be with the girl I am dating right now.

[tylercdurden2004]

Actually I want nothing more than to be with the girl I am dating right now.

 

Then why are you bothering putting any effort into figuring your ex out? I understand you want to know what she is thinking, i personally would loev to know what alot of people are thinking. But if its taking up time from your current relationship then I would forget about it.

[Diva26]

If you value the realtionship you are in now, then maybe you should cool it with the idea of hanging out with your ex. Your current gf might have some problems with that especially if she knew how your ex was acting toward you.(and rightfully so) Ask yourself if you would be o.k if your gf was in the same situation as you are in now.(be honest with yourself). Best idea, let it go man, let it go.

[heartbroken23]

Well, the thing is I am dating this girl now, but we are not BF/GF (due to her)..wants to focus on Career, Cannot give 100% to me right now (we got together about a month or 2 after she ended an LTR. Its not that she wants to date other people and doesnt want to date me, its just that she wants to focus on her for the first time in her life, and I respect that. She actually has hung out with her ex, so me hanging out with mine would not be that big of a deal....and i wouldn;t be doing it just because she did the same. I guess I am in a limbo right now...I like this girl alot, but I need to respect that she can't fully commit to me right now.

 

My main thing is I am just curious what my ex is feeling. People seem to think, including you DIVA, that she may have some interest towards me again. But why? She is in a relationship. I have no prob hanging out with her, I am not looking to get back together with her. I just want opinion sas to what she may be thinking. I know you are not all mind readers, but I appreciate your interpretations. Thank You!

[tylercdurden2004]

Man! Sure she has interest in you, she is talking to you isnt she? What she is interested in is another story. Maybe shes is having trouble in her relationship an is looking for a possible air mattress to land on. If you dont mind that role then hey go ahead. My point is why spend time trying to figure out what she wants? If she herself doesnt knwo what you want well then it not really likely that you will find out. Why not find option #3?

[Diva26]

sheesh.....! Aren't relationships confusing?! They are so incredibly complicated. If you want to know what your ex is thinking then by all means ask her.Let your current girl know if you are going to indeed meet with your ex. That way there are no surprises of reasons for her to mistrust you. Then if you do end up hanging out with your ex, be upfront with her.It's great that you respect you current for her decision, but that can't be easy for you. The human race is so confusing. If you are really close friendship-wise with your ex, then seriousely, talk to her about your predicament. She is the only one who knows what she is feeling and thinking, so who better to ask. Otherwise you are going to drive yourself nuts trying to figure this one out.

[heartbroken23]

I am not so sure I should ask her because then it is going to look like I want her back....I am just curious as to what she may be thinking based on her actions. For the first time since our breakup, I am not wanting to call her, not wanting to hang out, and not wanting her back. I feel like for the first time I actually have some sort of control, like in "security tennis". She asked if I wanted to hang out, I said sure, and that is it. I didn't say when can we hang out? Where? How long? I gave her my answer of yes, and now the rest is up to her. What does anyone else think? Thanks All!

[chai714]

She wants to hang out, you want to hang out - this should not be a difficult process. Heartbroken, don't think for a minute that "the ball is on her court." It's always better to be in as much control as possible, concerning any situation. If you want that hang out session, mention it as a suggestion. You already know she is up for it, so take control. The dialogue might go something like, "X, let's hang out." (wait for positive feedback. If positive, keep going, if negative, stop.), "how bout Wed night, let's meet up at The BS Coffee Shop." (she will either agree, counter-offer (if she can't go that night), or will make an excuse and not counter-offer.

 

Concerning the woman you're dating now: throw her into a rotation and involve other females. I understand her being hurt still from her last LTR or wanting time to herself. This does not mean you should be neglected though, so take control and throw her into a rotation of your dating pool. You two are not exclusive, so there's nothing wrong with this. Good luck.

[heartbroken23]

Hi Chai,

 

Thanks for responding...I hear what you are saying about me taking control. But wouldn't me asking "okay when do you want to hang out" make me look kind of needy or desperate. I mean she asked me to hang out, I said "sure, we can do that". Shouldn't it be up to her to suggest when and where. Maybe I am thinking the wrong way, but I just see it as if I ask her when and where, that it makes me look too needy, for lack of a better word.

[chai714]

You're not being needy by suggesting it. She already brought it up, you're just following through. Soon enough, you'll know if she meant it or not. Again, make it a suggestion such as, "let's hang out." This is not a question and you're not asking, you're suggesting much like someone recommends you go see a movie. They're not asking, just suggesting.

 

Leave your ego out of this one. If she doesn't want to hang out, no big deal - you weren't being needy and didn't get rejected - you just discovered that she was not serious about wanting to hang out and it's no biggie.

[heartbroken23]

I know she is def being serious about hanging out, she wants to com eup here to get a wedding dress at the mall, (why she can't look in her mall, I don't know) so thats why I was going to wait until she asked again or said when. Maybe I wil bring it up at a later convo if she doesn't

[heartbroken23]

Well, about a week ago, she told me that she was always feeling depressed and unhappy and that she wanted to see a therapist (Mainly family issues, some personal). She saw the therapist yest. and she called to tell me. She said that she told the therapist everythng (since when we together up until now). The therapist thinks she should move out of her house as thats where most of her stress is coming from(family stuff). She'll be put on meds and I guess that will make her happy and not need to call me anymore. If she does ask to hang out, i will still...but the main issue is that she has a BF and i don't know why she always wanted to be friends, hang out, cry when i was with another girl, or thought i would be serious, etc, etc....is it because she though she was losing her back-up guy? Girls, guys, can you shed insight? Thanks!

[chai714]

Meds don't equal happiness. Meds do not replace people that make her feel good about herself. While they can alter her state of mind and the chemicals in her brain, this doesn't mean they replace her sources of happiness altogether.

 

You two have history together and she'll probably always care about you in some way. I think part of her crying is 1) because she cares about you so much, 2) because there may or may not be at least some amount of guilty feeling on her behalf and 3) an ounce of jealousy, which can stir her emotions.

 

Remember, all humans operate on emotions - we rarely use logic to make decisions. It's all about feelings, feelings, and feelings. (yes, sounds girly but it's true). So, there's probably a number of reasons as to why she's crying. But, you can only control your actions and control how you make her feel (again, by your actions). Don't get too caught up with her but continue to be aware of your behavior toward her and specifically, how you relate to her and how you make her feel.