Engagement gone wrong

[gaiden]

I'm posting this in two separate posts… the history (for those interested in knowing the details) and then breakup as it stands.

 

Thank you in advance for any guidance you may have, I'm pretty lost when it comes with what to do next.

 

Synopsis:

 

Girl I have known for 7 years, but never dated, needs a place to stay and asks if she can stay with me.

I fly her here, put her up, paying her bills and portion of rent till she can get a job.

She's scared because she's completely dependant on me and that's something that's never happened to her before.

After a month, we start dating.

Everything is blissful.

Two months later, we're engaged.

She didn't have a job yet so I'm still paying for everything, including her DUI and doctors bills from stuff that happened while she was away in the other state.

Things start to get rocky because of her lack of honesty.

We talk, she promises to work on it.

It continues to happen.

I start feeling used. How can I continue to support someone who can't be honest with me?

She finally got a job and starts paying her way for things.

Things look a little better

Lies still going on so both of us agreed it was in the best interest to go get help.

We start counseling.

She continues to lie about the same things so I have her move out to give me some space.

On the way out, she lies about where she placed the engagement ring

Now I'm frustrated because apparently I'm the bad guy for throwing her out when she had nothing else to depend on and she claims she doesn't know where the engagement ring is.

I want the ring back, I don't know how to proceed through with this whole situation. If she desides to deal with the lies, I think it will work out and we can put this behind us, if not, well, that's her loss. I'm not letting her run off with a 10 grand engagement ring though.

 

 

The history of her and I

 

I am 28 and she is 26. We have known each other for just over 7 years now. We never dated during this time but we would go to parties together or just hang out every few months. She was a friend of my family so she was always around and we were always flirting, but nothing ever came of it. She moved out of state 3 years ago and we kept in contact through IM and phone calls. She even came back on the holidays. Then things changed 6 months ago.

 

Six months ago, she called from where she was living, still out of state, and said she wanted to come back but she had no place to stay. I agreed to fly her back, and let he stay with me and my roommate (a guy) for a few months till she got herself back on her feet. My roommate said that the rent and utilities would be split 3 ways and I agreed, knowing I would have to cover her third until either she moved out or got a job.

 

A month later, we were dating. Everything was going well except I was a bit bothered that she still didn't have a job so I was paying her bills (cell phone, her share of rent, etc..), and all of her friends were guys which she has slept with, so I was a little nervous about how friendly she was with them. Never the less, I bit my lip because it seemed harmless.

 

Her only issue was that this was the first time in her life that she would be completely dependant on someone and it scared her. I told her I understood how she felt and I would try my best to make sure she was taken care of.

 

After two months after dating bliss, on her birthday, I proposed. We lived together, we were acting like a married couple, and we loved each other very much, I thought, you know, this feels 100% right. This was when it started to go downhill.

 

A few weeks after the engagement, while we were eating dinner, an IM popped up on her laptop that was sitting next to us on the couch that said "Hey, I thought you were interested?" My stomach sank. I asked her who it was since I didn't recognize the name, and she just said to me "Someone I met today while playing online poker". Then she deleted the man's name from her IM list, closed the window, deleted her chat history and shut the laptop off.

 

That one incident planted a seed of insecurity that I couldn't shake. It was way she handled it by erasing any trace of why he might have said that … I just couldn't stop wondering what the deal was. So we talked about it. I told her that trust was paramount in a relationship. I told her that the two things I knew I couldn't deal with in a relationship were infidelity or dishonesty. Something I had already told her before we dated.

 

What was her answer to the problem? She started hiding all her conversations. Deleting logs, erasing cell phone calls.

 

When I realized this, again, we sat down and talked about it. She said that she was erasing logs etc because she didn't want me to take anything out of context. She said it was harmless chatter and she didn't want to get in a fight about it because she knew how I would act. I said I understand, but please stop acting so guilty if you are innocent; it is making me feel insecure. She promised it wouldn't happen again but that of course wasn't the case. After four separate times when I caught her lying to me about 4 different guys I said to myself enough was enough. I couldn't handle it anymore.

 

I told her I needed her to leave. I needed some space to sort out my emotions and I can't do it with her around. We packed up most of her things and she moved in with her girlfriend 40 miles away. On the way to dropping her off with her g/f, I noticed the engagement ring was no longer on her finger. I asked where it was and she said she left it at the house under the bed on my side. When I got home, the ring wasn't there. This all happened last week.

[gaiden]

The breakup as it stands..

 

The day after the breakup, I paged her to tell her I loved her and I didn’t want this to be the end but we had to work on this or there was no chance this was going to work. We were already seeing a couple’s counselor before the breakup and the upcoming appointment was the following day so I asked her if she would please show up so we could talk about this. I also told her that I couldn’t find the ring where she said she left it and asked if she had it.

 

She called me back the next day. She wasn’t going to the therapist and she didn’t see what there was to work on. When I asked about the ring (it’s a 10 grand engagement ring) she said she left it at the house with me “but I might have accidentally picked it up when I was gathering my things. I’ll have to check”…. Uh, ok. I was hurting pretty bad right about now. I tried defending the relationship but to no avail. It only made it worse.

 

After I saw how that call went, I decided to change my stance. When she called me the next day, I was indifferent to the relationship. I made the decision I wasn’t going to feed the monster. I didn’t defend myself, I didn’t criticize, complain, or give her a reason to fight with me, and so, she stopped fighting. The call went 1000x better then the previous emotionally un-controlled, temper flaring one.

 

She called me the next day and told me she found a guy to move in with, trying to provoke jealousy from me, I didn’t take the bite, I said “See, god is watching out for you, you needed a more permanent place to say and you got one!” She kept trying to provoke me during the call, and every time she tried, I just responded positively and I was sincere. I wasn’t faking it. I really am glad things are working out for her. Again, the call went well.

 

The weekend came and I had a party to go to (which she was supposed to accompany me) so I rang her up and asked her if I could drop the rest of her things off since I was heading past where she was anyways. I offered to meet her at a nearby location if she wasn’t comfortable with me coming straight to her new place. She said okay.

 

Of course I figured she was moving in with a Brad Pitt or something. But when they pulled into the gas station we agreed to meet at, he turned out to be some 40 year old 300 pound construction worker that was the brother in-law of her girlfriend she was currently living with. I chuckled to myself, of course you understand why.

 

Her soon to be new roommate stayed in the truck while she got out. I was dressed up because I was heading to a party and she noticed. She, on the other hand, had no makeup on, her hair was in a scrunchie, and she looked like utter hell. It isn’t like her to go out in public like that. Oh well, I grabbed some stuff and walked over to the truck to put it in. I glanced over to my car through the window of the back door to the truck and noticed her picking up the comforter she specifically asked for. She looked over to see if I was looking, which I was but she couldn’t tell because of the tint on the truck window, and I watched as she hugged it and smelled it, like a teddy bear. The comforter she had asked for was the one from our bed.

 

We transferred the rest of the stuff and then she asked if she could check my car for any cd’s she might have forgotten in it. I said sure and she grabbed them and noticed some mail I had laying in the passenger side. She saw two items for her, a bill and a wedding catalog. I told her I didn’t think she wanted either and she replied “Well, since we’re not getting married anymore….”

 

I asked if I could give her a hug before I left and she said yea. She actually hugged me back which I wasn’t expecting then asked if I was going to be spending the night at the party and I said I would if I drank too much and she said to just be careful, then I got in and left.

 

She called me Sunday to tell me some news about her dad being sick. We only talked a few minutes then she said she had to go and would call me later and that was the last I heard from her.

 

That’s not the last WE’VE heard from her though. My roommate just called me. He works for Comcast, and he said that he got a text message on his phone this morning from my ex asking if he could talk to her about what offers Comcast has going on since the place she’s moving doesn’t have cable or internet yet. Looks like she’s on a fishing expedition. Sigh… 1800comcast, everyone knows that.

[tylercdurden2004]

Wow. This is certainly a mess you've got yourself into. She is a user thats for sure and why do you really want to be part of that? You basically gave her everything without getting anything in return. A nice gesture but you shouldnt have expected more from her. Shes a big girl and can make big girl decisions, let her. Move on and dont have anything to do with this leech.

[piegirl]

I agree that she used you and you allowed her to. Unfortunately there are people who do whatever they can to take all that they can from another person.

 

Leave her alone you are better off even if it does not feel that way right now. There is someone that will appreiciate you and not take you for granted. Goodluck

[Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstei]

I read somewhere that statistics show that if you're friends with someone before you date them, it's more likely to end than a relatonship started between two strangers.

[shorty20]

I think that this girls does not appreciate you and all of what you've done for her. She's used you and taken advantage of your generosity and kindness. It's time for her to realize what it's like in the real world. After reality hits her, she may come crawling back but I'd be carefull with this one. You want someone to love you for you, not for what you give them or provide for them. You seem like a really nice guy and I think maybe you could find someone who might be able to appreciate that a little better than this girl can. Maybe after she realizes everything she might be able to appreciate you. You're doing the right thing. Don't chase her, let her come back to you... and be skeptical about taking her back. Good luck.

[gaiden]

What I'm struggling with right now is the ring.

 

That's the only reason I have left to call her as I do want it back and she knows it. I can't help but think the reason why she kept it is she knew I would have to call her sooner or later about it. I could just write it off as an expensive lesson but she knows I won't do that.

 

I don't know what to do. Do I call her or do I just wait? It's only been a week since the break and I'm sure the emotions are still running pretty high, for both of us. I'm getting to the point where I don't really care if I damage any chance I have of reconcilliation by pressuring her about this ring because I feel once again like I'm being taken for a ride. ](*,)

 

She knows where it is. I wouldn't be surprised if it's on her finger when I do call her about it.

 

I'm sitting here stewing trying to come up with an answer and nothing is coming to mind. Anyone have any advice on how I should handle this?

[avman]

I'd ask her to give it back to you. Even if she wanted to come back to you now I'd tell you to run as fast as you can. I think she really just wants you for what you can provide and you deserve more than that.

 

Get the ring back. If you have to threaten her with court action then do it. I wouldn't wait or you are risking that she'll pawn it and keep the money.

[babypink61]

So sorry to hear that your engagement didn't work out You were SO good to her and I can't believe she took you for granted! I'm glad you were able to see right through her, you deserve so much better!

 

Looks like you are already take the right steps in putting this behind you . . . as for the ring, that's going to be tough. Because technically, it's a gift, so you probably won't be able to get it back (legally even), unless she agrees to give it back to you.

[avman]

Because technically, it's a gift, so you probably won't be able to get it back (legally even), unless she agrees to give it back to you

 

Thats actually not true. Many places recognize it as a "conditional" gift so that if the engagement is broken the ring should be given back.

[DN]

avman is right - more and more jurisdictions are ruling that way.

 

When I first read about this ring I wondered if she had already pawned or sold it.

[gaiden]

In my state, it is a conditional gift. So if she has it, it gets returned, if she refuses or already sold it, I am awarded a judgement in the sum of the cost of it. So no matter what happened to it, I still get something back.

 

I seriously doubt she sold it. I'td go a long way to show just how bad of a person she really is though if she did. I'll update ya'll with whatever I found out from when I call her.

[gaiden]

Meh, I decided not to call her tonight. I took a scalding hot bath and was too tired to deal with it when I got out. It's funny how you can come up with all kinds of ways to keep yourself occupied when you need to.

 

I think my best advice to myself so far has been, if I can't figure out what I am going to say to her or how I'm going to say it, I'm not in any condition to be making a phone call.

[gaiden]

Update

 

I called her today after 5 days of NC. I wanted to address the ring issue so I could start to move on.

 

The nushell of the hour conversation was that I started out asking about the ring. I told her that I was advised I should persue legal methods to recover it if she couldn't/wouldn't return it and of course she didn't like that. She said she would keep looking because she didn't want a law suit to come between us.

 

Gradually, the conversation shifted over to what was going on with her and then to our relationship. Mind you its only been 10 days since we broke up. I knew it wasn't a good idea to talk about us since the break was still fresh but I was curious so I let it shift that way.

 

She was really happy with how she had taken steps to be independent after being so dependant on me. She was going out and seeing friends she hadn't seen in awhile -- She was really liking her new found freedom aparently.

 

She said she wanted some time to straighten out her life and get her head on straight. Afterwards if she thought it was worth another go, we could try taking it slowly.. like meeting once a week or so to go out for drinks.

 

We hung up and that's where it was left. Any advice how to procede?

[avman]

I think you should proceed as you have been doing. Assume it's over, move on with your life, get the ring back. Don't pin your hopes on her "finding herself" and coming back to you. If that happens, you can decide at that point whether you want her back.

 

Move on with your life. It's not worth the pain waiting around for her to figure out her life.

[teacup]

oh my god man! she sounds like a total con artist. i dont know how you can love someone like this but i would bet anything, you never see that ring again.

 

get some balls and throw her out of ur life permanently. this girl is ROTTEN news. you need to get your head straight.

[gaiden]

So many people responding with the same general advice.

 

I called the lawyer today and he said this case won't be a problem at all. I still can't believe I'm dealing with a lawyer to resolve this. I told him I wanted him to draft up all the neccesary paperwork and send it to me so that I could review it when I get back from my vacation.

 

Break ups are bad enough as it is, seeing your ex's name in the defendant's section on a court summons with your name in the plaintif section, that's worse.