How do YOU cope with loneliness?

[Juha]

If a female is not out there looking it is not a big deal as they will be persued by males no matter what...ALl they have to dois be out there and friendly and they will have more men than they can handle...

 

If a guy is like that he will no one, if a guy does not pursue and look at all he will never have a girl... Then the problem comes as a guy what do you accept???

 

He likes her and pursues she likes someone else then another girl likes the him but he does not look at her that way... SO you have guys going out and getting what they can but not wantingto be with these girls.. The guys are with them just to have someone to hang out with sometimes and have sex with...While they are looking for who they want to be with...

 

THe girl wants a relationship and the guy wants a f.w.b.

 

Happens so much...

[chemica]

Yet the idealist in me wants to say "Keep looking, don't give up hope, blah, blah, blah..." I'm torn.

 

I don't really see what is idealist about not giving up at age 24. Young relationships often don't work out and you are letting it ruin your life. The problem doesn't seem to be as much that your relationships were bad as it is that you simply were never ready for relationships in the first place.

[Kevin T]

Hard to say.

[Luke Skywalker]

I'm single, 30 years old, never had a GF before, and yet I have never felt lonley - I may have felt horney, but not lonely. My mother takes up too much space in my life, and thereforeeee I dont have an opportunity to feel lonely, I may like to live on my own however, and be in perfect quiet and peace and have lots of books to read, that would sound cool. You're complaining about being lonely?

[lanty3]

being lonely has gotten worse for me since my father died 4 years ago. never married,never a girlfriend.no friends.

i think i hit bottom though. i know i have. i can sink or swim. so i`ll swim. and that`s how i deal with it. it can`t get worse,so what do i have to lose by trying ? i find ways to improve myself , i`m not looking for someone to share my misery...that would make things worse. you can`t wallow in loneliness , that will lead to self-pity. not an attractive feature. everybody has something to offer. you have to keep looking ahead and someone will meet you halfway.

[Kevin T]

Wow, there are a lot of lonely people out there, judging by the magnitude of the responses. Not that that makes me feel any better.

[lanty3]

okay kevin think about this , i`m almost twice your age so i think that gives me all the more reason to call it quits. but i not going to quit. when (or if) you make to my age you won`t want to look back with alot of regret.

in a sense i HAVE given up on tomorrow . tomorrow never comes. for me it`s always NOW. there`s a choice ;now can be lonely or now can be the time to nudge yourself into doing something different or talking to someone new. it`s a struggle , but that`s life. it`s worth it.

[Kevin T]

Basically, I agree with you.

 

Except that I cannot deny that I am quite lonely. And I hate it. I won't deny that.

 

But I do agree that all we have is today and we must make the most of it, while we have it. Time goes by so quickly (thank God), so we should make the best of it. But to pretend that my loneliness doesn't bother me or cause me to become down, or distracted at work and school, would be a lie.

[lanty3]

i don`t deny it either. and i don`t deny hating it. i`ve heard a lifetime of "snap out of it" , "get over it" "do this , do that" etc.. it makes you feel that your feelings are silly and that you are silly. but i learned a word in therapy ; VALIDATION. you`re feelings and you matter. your problems are for real. don`t pretend;that won`t help. for me that was the start.

[alreadydead]

It's hard dealing with loneliness especially if you never had a boyfriend in the first place.I don't know how it feel to be in a relationship.I never been given a chance.

I use to be able to handle my loneliness in my 20's but as i get older.I'm 36.It's hard.I cry,i get angry,I get frustrated but i have to live with the pain.I'm starting to realize women like me don't get chances in life.This is my life and it not going to change. I have my Tv and my computer.

 

 

I know the feeling... sigh.

[alreadydead]

Loneliness, for me anyway, came when I realized I had no one in my life to share it with. Depression came afterwards, not before.

 

Loneliness is associated with a host of bad health problems, including depression. It is also associated with premature death, high blood pressure, higher stress levels, suicide, weaker immune system (thus more illnesses) and so on.

 

If I had someone great (emphasis on great), I would not be nearly as depressed. In fact, I believe I would not be depressed at all. And you'll never lead a fulfilled life single and alone. At least, I won't. Thus, depression. Giving someone surgery for a broken foot is useless when they have a broken hand.

 

 

Exactly... If I had someone around, really had my match, someone to talk to, spend time with, be romantic with, really share my soul with, then life would be worthwhile.

 

I've skimmed through the other replies to this...and Kevin, most people don't have much depth of feeling at all. Life in this world is so wrapped up in everything superficial... people are so self-involved and thus more interested in what else they can aquire or how much higher up they can get in society or even in their neighborhood... just money, status, power, etc. The superficial world. Very extremely few people feel true feelings anymore.

 

And so, as for being "happy" and single - yeah those are the self-involved people who only strive for and care about how they look to everyone else and how much they have. Success and status work for most people... But I need to be loved, cared about and intellectually stimulated to feel happy. But yeah... that's never going to happen.

[tigertabbycat]

you are still so very young...try to realize that you have a whole life ahead of you to find a soulmate...go out and starting looking for her.

[JimmerJammer]

how do i cope with loneliness? by finding things that make me happy even when i'm with someone or not.

[eremy]

I never would have imagined that loneliness could infact be a symptom, but apparently it is. Ya learn something new every day, and at the young age of 19, I often learn more than just one thing Well (I didn't take the time to go through all of the replies, sorry for my laziness if I repeat something)...as I was saying, well, do you have any hobbies? and if so, I'd assume you like to be around people with the same hobbies. I'm sorry, I merely have a hard time imagining that someone would be unable to find somebody if they ademantly look for a relationship. I got the impression from your OP that you are waiting for something/one to come along and magically lift you out of this lonely funk. The longer you wait, the lonelier you're going to get. It's hard, it takes effort, and it takes time, but in the end if you want to be with somebody, you've gotta just go out there and find them. If they aren't attracted to you as you say, do some research, improve your personality, expand your hobbies and interests. I'm not trying to tell you to settle by any means, but I often times see that a lot of people sit and wait for the "perfect ONE" while a dozen great opportunities walk right past them. Maybe you just aren't giving people a try, or maybe you've overlooked potential girls and just didn't realize it, it's very hard to know somebody just by the look of em or even the first impression. I'm not trying to offend you or insult you, I'm just saying that if you really want to be with somebody, you are going to have to be much more positive and confident about your chances, and take a much more proactive approach to finding somebody. There are around 6 billion people in the world right now...for anyone to say that there is absolutely nobody out there for them...hogwash. I'm done now

[chemica]

how do i cope with loneliness? by finding things that make me happy even when i'm with someone or not.

 

Unfortunately for me that is video games.

 

And unfortunately i have realized that these are a huge waste of time.

 

And unfortunately since I have promised to never play them again I am really depressed.

[opiate92]

I think coping is something of a misnomer. All "coping with loneliness" is is really ignoring it. People in a relationship often talk about "I like to be alone sometimes and get away from my wife/husband/family/etc. and I enjoy it." The problem with this "advice" is that they are enjoying it because they are alone, not lonely. The two are very different things. Someone in a happy relationship is never going to feel lonely even when they are by themselves. I didn't.

 

Thus when we are lonely we must do whatever we can to ignore that fact. Doesn't "coping" technically mean understanding something and dealing with it? There really isn't an effective way to make loneliness go away by "understanding it." Humans don't like to be alone. Hell, most animals on the earth don't either - and they have no concept of "love." That means we biologically aren't meant to be happy when we're alone. We are fighting nature to be "happily single." Do you really think all these people that are "happily single" really are happy? No way! They say that as their own "coping mechanism." This is especially true for men. Since loneliness is an emotion - it is much easier for women to push to the back of the brain and control. I know a guy in Manhattan that is going through women like water...but he admits it doesn't make him happy...and he's doing it because he has major trust issues. However, to people that aren't closer to him he pulls off the "happy bachelor" image...

 

Ultimately men have a harder time dealing with loneliness- thus men tend to end up with someone if only to just not be alone (plus the drive to reproduce is easier satiated in the long term by a wife than a one night stand). This is why we have the stereotype of the old single woman with seven cats. I know some women like this. Being lonely doesn't bother them half as much as the older single guys I know.

 

However, all of them admit that they feel their life would be better if they had someone to share it with.

 

phew! okay.. so what do I do to ignore my loneliness? I spend a lot of time at the bookstore currently. I go hiking (this works better if you do it with others). I make a lot of phone calls to family and friends. I try to tell myself..."you're 'young', you'll find someone...eventually"

 

The most important thing to understand (no matter what people tell you) is that feeling this way while alone is NORMAL. So do what you can to ignore it, but don't feel guilty about feeling that way. That girl at the office that is so happy being single after her divorce...or the guy that works in the warehouse that wants you to go out to the bars with him and "bang a different chick" every Friday... trust me - they feel the same way deep down but they'll never admit it.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I'm single, 30 years old, never had a GF before, and yet I have never felt lonley - I may have felt horney, but not lonely. My mother takes up too much space in my life, and thereforeeee I dont have an opportunity to feel lonely, I may like to live on my own however, and be in perfect quiet and peace and have lots of books to read, that would sound cool. You're complaining about being lonely?

You can have people around you and still be lonely for that special someone, as in my case.

[corvidae]

You don't HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy. Try this scenario...imagine you know for CERTAIN that you will never have a relationship for the rest of your life. You find this out today. Well? Are you going to mope around for the rest of your life, or are you going to take what you can have and make the best of that? Live life to the full. It is in adversity and pain where we distinguish ourselves and show how far we can rise.

[opiate92]

You are equating the desire for a relationship with the desire for an amputee to have their severed part back. Not everyone actually can deal with those kinds of traumatic experiences in such an easy way, this is why we saw high suicide rates in vietnam veterans. Some people just can't deal with not having something so important to them for the rest of their life. If you want to judge them for that go ahead - but you can't suggest it as a blanket way of thinking to anyone that is lonely.

 

There is another component to this lonely issue. Or perhaps I should say two components... Nature and nurture. To an extent some people are genetically psychologically predisposed to being a "loner." To the extent that this is not the "norm" we even have a psychological disorder named for people that are extremely antisocial. The need for a "pair-bond" is instinctual - this is why we see it all over the animal kingdom. Humans longing for a mate only proves we're functioning normally. (If everyone decides "hey I'll just live alone forever" ...the human race will die off)

 

The other side of the coin is how we were raised. Some children "latch-key kids" grow up spending a lot of time alone at home - and so may not see it as as much of a problem in adulthood. For someone like me who comes from a large (extended) family to wake up in an empty apartment every day with the majority of your friends and family thousands of miles away is quite a shock (even though I chose it to be this way).

 

Saying that everyone should just be able to live like they could/should be alone forever is missing the point by a mile. Perhaps the reason it hurts these people so much to be alone is because it is not by choice. If you are raised in an environment of happy marriages - you want that for yourself. However, unlike where you work, where you go to school, the car you drive, etc. - finding a partner is not a goal you can attain purely through your own efforts. At least finding someone to be in love with - because that takes the other person to love you back - which is entirely out of your control. It is this helplessness that causes the pain of being alone. Not because we are alone - but because we don't have the power to stop being alone when we wish. This goes back to my point of how married people make the mistake of talking about how "great" it is when they spend some time away from their partners. They CHOOSE to spend that time alone and go back whenever they want. I can't. I have to wait for someone to come into my life - and I don't know how or when it will happen.

 

Even the bearded lady in the circus finds a husband (I watch too much Learning Channel)- so it is unnatural to think that you should just live your life like you'll never find someone. At least if you are younger anyway. My father didn't meet my mother until he was 33... so at 25 that gives me some modicum of hope that I'll meet someone eventually.

 

If you take that away - what have I got left? We aren't all movie stars with awesome jobs and enough money to satiate our every wish... Companionship is the one thing that everyone can have (or at least realistically hope to have).

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

You don't HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy. Try this scenario...imagine you know for CERTAIN that you will never have a relationship for the rest of your life. You find this out today. Well? Are you going to mope around for the rest of your life, or are you going to take what you can have and make the best of that? Live life to the full. It is in adversity and pain where we distinguish ourselves and show how far we can rise.

Actually, if I received that news in a high rise, I'd bid adeu and jump out the window. If we were low to the ground, I'd run in front of a truck. I can't see the value of life when you live it alone, with the lonliness that comes with it. If that were the case, we should be solitary asexual creatures.

[Kevin T]

You don't HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy. Try this scenario...imagine you know for CERTAIN that you will never have a relationship for the rest of your life. You find this out today. Well? Are you going to mope around for the rest of your life, or are you going to take what you can have and make the best of that? Live life to the full. It is in adversity and pain where we distinguish ourselves and show how far we can rise.

 

Some may find true happiness on their own. However, I am not one of them. Nor do I wish to be.

 

I consider the most important things in life as those involving other people. I'm a social person. I enjoy being with others. And not having that special someone to share my life with, makes life aimless and meaningless to me.

 

And so what if we "rise" higher and live with our pain? Does that bring us joy? Or will that fulfill our desire for companionship? Considering that man was never made to live alone, I sincerely doubt that.

 

As much as I can appreciate your "never-back-down" spirit, I have to conclude that were I to unequivocably know that without a shadow of a doubt I were to never find someoen great, I'd much rather be dead. I'm not saying I go as far as commit suicide (that would probably never happen), but I would probably become a drunk or become so unconcerned with looking after myself that I'd be dead in a few years anyway.

 

Hey, truth be told... lonely people die several years before non-lonely people. It's a fact.

[itsallgrand]

No wonder the loneliness is so stinging. Corvidae gave great advice.

 

It's worth suicide to be single for life? Geez. That's ridiculous. I think someone is putting too much stock in one thing in life.

 

If you can't be happy alone, you'll be one hell of a pain in the * * * * to a woman.

[opiate92]

Even Gloria Steinem got married...

 

No human wants to die alone.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Ok, for those who think life is still worth living if you just found out that you'll be alone for the rest of you life, I would like you to list the important things in life. I can bet that most of us "suicidal romantics" won't find inner peace in any of that. That's where we're coming from. Of course suicide is a bit dramatic, an dwe probably would hold on to hope for the rest of our lives, making deals with the devil or do superhuman good samaritan deeds in the hopes that the love Gods will bless us with someone.

[eremy]

meh, forget all the what if's. Lets just put it this way. Being alone sucks, but there's not too much you can do about that. The best you can do is try to preoccupy yourself with friends and hobbies, and just hope that somebody comes along that's right for you. Sometimes they come sooner, sometimes they come later, and I'm sure there are rare times when nobody comes at all. But that's just life, it's tough, but that's how it is. Now you can either choose to accept that and keep truckin', or you can kill yourself and definitely be alone forever Personally, I choose the first option, because at least I still have the chance. And anyone who desires to kill themselves because they are alone, knows how important that chance is. So with that. I hope that you don't lose the hope that you will find somebody. It may just be the last thing that keeps ya'll alive.