Partner's depression is destroying long term relationship

[SpottyCat]

Hi everyone

I'm new to the forum and am hoping to receive some advice from some of you kind people. Apologies for the longish post.

I'm still reeling from my partner's recent revelation that he's not happy in our relationship after 8 (wonderful) years together. We've been together since we were 21 and have survived so many difficulties - including living in different cities for 5 years and in different countries for one year. We have lived together for the past 3.5 years. I've felt from the beginning that he was my soul mate and still believe strongly that he is the one for me, and I believe that he has always felt the same. So I couldn't believe it when he told me a few weeks ago that he was considering that we should separate.

He has been out of work for over a year - he keeps busy - in fact goes to work (he's an academic) but hasn't been getting paid. So I've been (happily) paying for pretty much everything for several months now. He has become more an more depressed in recent months - and I believe that the unemployment and the fact that he's always had low self esteem - are the main causes of this. After spending 2 months visiting a university overseas, he returned and quite suddenly seems to have decided that 'something has changed' in how he feels and he's not sure that he can ever get that 'old feeling' back again. He admits that he's not sure if it's the depression that is clouding his judgment of our relationship and if it is making everything in his life seem negative and black. Of course no relationship is perfect but we have both - up till now - believed that we had something unique and special. At first I was quite understanding and he moved out for week to 'think about things' and then returned. But then a week and a half ago things became bad again - he found living with me unbearable and he was going to leave and then I became a bit hysterical and accused him of abandoning me and giving up on our relationship and how I'd never find anyone who could make me as happy again etc. etc. I've also tried reasoning and pleading (all things that the e-book 'Stop your divorce' advises against - anyone read it?), to no avail, in fact this has probably pushed him even further away. He is still living with me but is quite distant and I've been scared to ask him since how he's feeling. I'm trying to give him space and not pressurise him etc. but I just don't know what to do. 'Stop your divorce' suggests that my pledging my undying love etc. is the worse thing I can do right now and that people with low self esteem can get so low that they can develop a subconscious contempt for the person 'stupid' enough to love them. Any thoughts on that idea? He doesn't want to take antidepressants or see a therapist but I don't know how he's going to begin to think positively and hopefully about our relationship until his depression lifts. Of course it's not quite as simple as I make out her and I must take responsibilty for making some things worse, but I'll stop now for the sake of brevity.

Has anyone had (or has) a similar experience? Or has any advice on the best thing I can do to help save our relationship, or at least stop myself from damaging it more with unhelpful behaviour? Of course I also want to help him but I don't how possible it is to lift someone out of depression.

 

thanks in advance

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ignore all relationship books, they are manipulative profit-making baloney that exploits people going through tough times and never takes into account such basic things as individual differences.

 

This is a very hard situation. I do not have a solution, but I do have some thoughts from reading this post:

 

-Never underestimate the power of depression to completely change a person's outlook and make even fantastic things seem rubbish, this applies for relationships

-Depression makes you feel like a bad person and undeserving of another person, which means you pull away from them/think of leaving them

-If he isn't already, some therapy/meds would be a great idea here

-Your best bet is just to be honest without being overdramatic. If you feel you love him at a particualr moment, say so, etc. BUT

-Don't tolerate this for a long time, otherwise, amoungst other things, your health will suffer. Propose to him that whilst you understand his head is everywhere, you deserve to know where you stand (which you do), preferably within the next few weeks

-You cannot lift someone out of depression by yourself, so never blame the you

[SpottyCat]

Thanks for that advice. I really hope and pray that it is the depression that is making our relationship seem flawed. But even if I can't do much about his depression, does anyone have some advice on how to 'rekindle the flame'? What has helped for other people? Obivously, after so many years together things do get a bit stale and you take eachother for granted. I wish I could wisk him away on a holiday or something but money is tight. I feel that we need to find ways to remember why we fell in love.

[Beyondthesea]

It's not possible for you to lift him out of his depression, and if he feels that it is your responsibility to do so, he is being ridiculous and just feeling sorry for himself.

 

You are doing all you can, it is him who has to work on himself and then the relationship will be easier to manage.

[mch71]

Oh SpottyCat my heart does go out to you.

In my marriage I am the one who suffered from depression and anxiety for the best part of a year & then a couple of months ago my husband left me because he didn't find me attractive anymore.

I have no answers for you but I agree with both the previous posters that you cannot lift his depression and it is not your responsibility, he has to recognise this himself & then subsequently want to help himself.

 

Take care x

[A.NonnyMouse]

Hey there,

 

I'm going through a very similar experience right now and felt moved to reply and advise as best as I could. I should say that my own relationship is still very much on the rocks, so I'm no expert, but I'll do my best. I'll sum up my deal as briefly as I can: My boyfriend and I are both mid-20s grad students (me) and prospective grad students (him). I am in the process of taking a leave from my doctoral program and he has had to defer the beginning of his master's education for financial reasons. Shortly after we met last fall, he left his job and has been unemployed for the past eight months. In that time he has run out of money and accrued substantial debt, which he is unable to pay off. After being successfully treated for sleep disorder that caused him to leave his job, he sank in to a deep depression. He has been unable to find a job (although admittedly not trying as hard as he could, because the depression has so paralyzed him), and is now feeling so hopeless that he sometimes sees no reason to get out of bed. Therapy and medication are not really options because he isn't insured. Unlike your partner, he has not kept busy, but instead spends most days on the couch, which just makes him feel worse.

 

I paid for things for months, but stopped recently due to my own dwindling resources and my fear that, by doing so, I was enabling him. I am about to move to another city to start a new job, and so we are now faced with the prospect of a long-distance relationship. However, rather than enjoying the time we have left, we seem to be fighting nonstop. I find that I, having been overly stressed about this for months, cry much to easily and escalate things that should be nothing into these huge blow-outs. And he, rather than trying to fix anything, seems to have given up completely, mumbling how sorry he is while staring at the floor and insisting that he's no good for me. As he pulls away, I find myself clinging to the "few weeks we have left," to the point where he feels smothered and has, in moments of anger, said I'm co-dependent and controlling.

 

So that's me, back to you: depression is an ugly, ugly disease that poisons not just its sufferers but those whom they love. It's not that it's unbearable for him to live with you. Living with himself is what is unbearable. Living with you reminds him of the responsibility he has to you to make you happy, something at which he is now failing. He may also see you pulling yourself together and unconsciously resent you for it. None of these things are your fault.

 

One of the major problems you two seem to be having is his demand for space and your (totally understandable) feeling and fear of abandonment. Men's instinct, when things get rough, seems to be to pull away and regroup alone, whereas women tend to hold tighter and want to work things out together. This is a problem I'm having as well. I think we need to remind ourselves that often the need for solitude has nothing to do with us. It's not a zero-sum game, where their desire for space means a desire to NOT be with us. Space does not equal "not you," so breathe, you are still loved. I know it's hard, believe me, but try using those times when he needs space to go and do something for yourself--hang out with a friend, go to a movie, etc. And take your own breaks as well, he will appreciate your asserting your need for space too, and it will make him feel less guilty about asking for space, which should, in turn, help with the depression.

 

As for the book you're reading, it sounds like some of the advice is sound. Rather than pledging your undying love, pleading, and reasoning with him, try to phrase it thusly: "I love you, and after all we've been through I still love you. I know you're having a hard time right now, but we will get through this together, and I will be here to love, and support, and help you in any way I can because I know that we can be happy together and that makes it all worth it." If he's getting hysterical and making extreme statements about leaving or his lack of worth, tell him calmly that you won't discuss that with him when he's like that. Reasoning with him will get you nowhere because he is not in a reasonable, rational state of mind. Pleading with him only feeds into his hysteria and escalates the situation. Instead, refuse to play that game, refuse to engage.

 

I agree with the other posters who advised therapy and meds for him, but first you have to get him to go to therapy. Have you suggested that the two of you go together? To couples' counseling? He might agree to that, and just getting him into a counselor's office may make him more receptive to going on his own. Depressed people already feel like there is something wrong with them, and going to therapy can be scary in those circumstances: you're "admitting failure" and being made to confront your situation--to spend a whole hour talking about yourself and your own misery, and that can be frightening. A joint session with you, where the focus isn't just on him, might be more manageable for him.

 

As for getting that "spark" back, I'm not sure what to say. I've found that taking a little trip, going to a party, or whatever is only a short-term remedy. Your problems are waiting for you when you get home. Reminiscing about the "good times" will only make you sad when you juxtapose them with your current situation; you will find yourself yearning for past happiness rather than bringing in new happiness. I suggest, rather, the following: have a talk with your partner when he's feeling reasonably calm and open. Tell him that you know that things have been rough, but that in spite of it all you still love and want to be with him because you believe in him and your ability to be happy together. Then, tell him that if he would like to sit down and make a plan (job search, financial, etc) with you, that you'd be happy to be a sounding board. Affirm your commitment to your relationship and ask him if he feels the same way. Suggest that you both go to counseling. And, finally, suggest that every day you try to find some way to enjoy each other, whether it's a walk in the park, a hot bath, a note tucked under his/your pillow, a mix CD, whatever. But every day, try and do one little thing for each other. You may find romance that way.

 

Lastly, I was really struck by the point your book made that people who have low self-esteem often develop a subconscious contempt for those "stupid" enough to love them. Wow, that makes a lot of sense. I'm not sure how to respond to that, but keep this in mind: if your partner loves you, then he must esteem you and not *really* think that you're stupid. Try to remind him, if he says something about "why do you love someone like me," that he can't think you're stupid, that may knock some sense into him. I would *not* advise, however, bringing up your book's analysis independently, no one wants to feel like their partner is psychoanalyzing them.

 

I'll leave you with this: you cannot, alone, lift your partner out of his depression. He will have to do that for himself. What you can do is be a support along the way. In Pilgrim's Progress, the hero, Christian, finds himself stuck in a bog called the Slough of Despond. He believes himself done for and gives up, wailing pitifully. Along comes a man named Help, who says to him "why didn't you look for the stairs? Just climb the stairs and then you'll be out!" Christian replies that he's too scared to find the stairs. So Help says "give me your hand" and he pulls him to the steps so he can find his way out of the bog. Help does not carry Christian, he does not do the work for him, but he guides his way. I think that you, likewise, can help your partner without lifting him out. Be there as an anchor, a holding hand, a helping hand, but don't take it upon yourself to solve his problems. Only he can do that, and doing it for himself is one of the most crucial parts of getting him out of this quagmire.

 

Best of luck to you and sorry for the long post. I hope this was helpful and I hope that we can both figure out how to make it all work. Let love conquer all...

 

I send you hugs.

 

P.S. One more thing, are YOU in counseling? You might find it really helpful in dealing with all this, and therapists can often give great advice about the right/wrong things to say.

[Excalibur]

It sounds like he's been running from the depression for a long time with different countries, cities, academic pursuits, etc...and he can't run from it anymore.

 

No matter whree he goes, there he is.

[cody41]

Hi there.. I'm really sorry to hear about the tough time you are both having....

I have to agree that depression can 100% affect your outlook towards your relationship.. This very well could be a part of what he is going through..

 

It also seems like your relationship has survived alot of difficult times, but the fact that you two have lived apart for quite some time, maybe you have somewhat grown apart? Your partner could have just "outgrown" the relationship.. We do change ALOT in our 20's and if you two have been together since 21, it is very possible that you are different people now and just want more or to explore....

 

If your partner admits the depression could be a big part of it, he/she should really go see a doctor and get on a small dose of meds.

I myself was having a rough time in life and relationship confusion/troubles with my fiance.. Nothing was helping! Counselling, books, talking to friends, talking to my partner.. etc. It got so bad that I had thoughts of suicide often so I finally went on medication and the first dose was enough to get me back to normal. All of my relationship issues worked themselves out, and while I still have doubts the happy feelings and love that I feel again outweighs any problems!!! I just feel so much happier and giving love that I am receiving so much more love... As soon as I started to feel happier, I could see the effect on my fiance was even stronger..

You'd be amazed how depression really can change your outlook and make things so much worse than they are!

 

I wish you best of luck and don't hesitate to come here to ask questions or just get somethings off your chest!

[John Bendix]

Depression causes relationships to breaksown as often as breakdown of relationships cause depression.

[kuhl282000]

When you're not making money you get depressed ......he feels bad as a man not being able to provide. Depression is very serious business, and without meds he may wallow there for years to come in denial .....

 

You're not doing anything wrong because you love him so you just want to help.

You do have a right to know, when a person gets depressed ...they hide from themselves. He needs some sort of starting point for him, something he can grab onto. And he does not have that right now ........he has to find out what that is for himself .....and maybe he does not know how to do that. Maybe he just needs some hope, and I'm betting he has lost his confidence .......and that is sometimes tough to get back...but you can get it back if you work at it.....

 

Him not wanting help, is a tough one...its sometimes just a macho thing ....and in the end may kill the relationship. If he would talk to a doctor and tell the truth he would see many people suffer from depression just like you would suffer from a cold......it can be fixed and you can get better ......

 

Their is hope and help out there ....try and get him to a doctor and get him some meds. I've seen it work wonders for depressed people .....a total turn around.

 

Good Luck

Kuhl .....don't give up on him, he needs you now more then ever....but he is isolating himself....don't let him do that. Be near him and be compassionate and say nice things even if he will not.

[Kriya]

Hi there.

 

Wow, I am so grateful for this site. I am new here, and happened upon it as I googled "depression and relationships." I am in my late 20's, have been engaged for 2.5 years, together with my fiance for 4 years, living together for 3 years.

 

Your reply, and the original post, are remarkably similar to my experience. One month ago, my fiance had an argument with me (I say it in this way deliberately), and literally snapped when I had a hard time and began to cry. For the next 5 days I mourned him as though he had died, as he was no longer even remotely the person I have known. I urged him to go to the hospital, but he would only agree to a counseling session. He has been in counseling on and off for a couple of years, per my suggestion. I have been working very hard for a long time now on myself, and am committed to living a healthy life, and trying to maintain healthy relationships. He and I have been attempting to walk this path together.

 

After two weeks, some up days, mostly down, to the point where he could hardly accept a hug, or show any affection, and had boughts of crying lasting for hours, stating he "hates his life," I decided to leave. I left only to gain space and perspective, sleeping on a friend's couch for one week. Thankfully, then, he found an opportunity to housesit for a friend.

 

I love him, and have reminded him of this, for as long as I can remember. He, too, has suffered from feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem, I believe for most of his life. His family upbringing involved much emotional abuse from his mother, who is very controlling, degrading to him, and manipulative... always favoring his older brother his entire life. It has been these issues that I have urged him to seek counseling for, and also the source of many arguments... He uses these arguments as reason for us to not be together, as he states "all I think about when I see you is how much I made you cry, and our fights." Some of his recent words to me have been "you'll never be happy with me, I can never do enough, I am not good enough for you, I'm a miserable bastard."

We've had a good deal of difficulty in dealing with family situations, as I don't easily care to tolerate abuse, and I have encouraged for us to set boundaries, and try to make ourselves healthier.

 

He says he loves me, and that's all he knows for certain in his life right now. He "thinks" what he wants is to be with me, but "needs space." He says seeing me, even talking to me bring him intense pain.

 

This is so difficult for me, for me to reach out to him emotionally with such love, and not find him reaching back. I love him, I miss him, I do not know who he is right now, and I hurt when he pushes me away. I have been trying to give him space, and reassuring him that I am here... It's as thought he cannot even see me. I fear loss and abandonment (surprise), of which I am well aware. I mourn him. So many times, I think perhaps I should leave the relationship. However, he is open to taking medication, but still has one more week to go before seeing a psychiatrist. Everyone tells me I should wait. For how long? Even if I leave the relationship (rather, he would move out), would this not give him space, to then know what he wants after he is stabilized a bit more? Does medication truly work this well? I am very fearful.

 

Thank you for your time, and for "listening."

 

Kriya