Just another break-up story...advice, anyone?

[TakingtheBlame]

I just experienced a fairly run-of-the-mill breakup which I am taking harder than I ever expected I would, mostly because it happened so abruptly. I've come here hoping somebody can shed some light on what may have gone wrong and how I can avoid this sort of thing in the future...

 

I am 25 and recently began dating a classmate at my law school, who is 30. We dated for about three weeks, seeing eachother every day (because of class), and he seemed into me, calling me every night (sometimes multiple times a night), coming over on weekends to stay the night and cook me breakfast or just to watch TV. He then went out-of-state to work for a week and invited me to stay with him for three nights at his hotel. I traveled down to see him, and things went well enough for two nights, except for the fact that we had a few conversations wherein I expressed worry that he may not like me as much as I like him (because he had never officially "committed" to me, even though he claimed not to be seeing anyone else and said he liked me too). On the third night, however, he came back after work, claiming to be sick and telling me he needed his space, that my voice hurt his head, that he was afraid he could never be in a relationship or get married because he felt trapped. I tried to be as accomodating as possible, but things went downhill from there, and by the time we drove back home the next afternoon we were barely talking. The next day, he called me and told me he didn't see the relationship between us working out, that I wasn't what he was looking for, and that it wasn't worth pursuing because we were too busy with law school to work at a relationship that probably wouldn't work anyway. I later confronted him face to face for "closure", and he said he noticed things about me while we were away that he didn't notice while we were seeing eachother before. All told, the "relationship" lasted a month.

 

It has been two weeks since this "breakup" and I can't seem to get over it, more so because I see him in class every day. I am still very attracted to him, and can't seem to understand why a seemingly perfect situation went bad so suddenly. Was the weekend getaway a bad idea, and did the disconnect really start there? Or was this relationship doomed from the start? Also, is it worth it to give him some space and then try to worm my way back into his good graces? I seem to be a little late to the game, as this is the first time I've ever had a guy break up with me so suddenly and after such a short amount of time.

 

Please advise, somebody. I can't seem to get my head straight and I have a busy summer coming up which I can't afford to get through with a fog in my head. Thanks!!

[Lady Bugg]

Taking The Blame...

 

It sounds sort of like relationship overload to me. Spending FAR too much time together in a short amount of time. I think you going away with him

was probably not the catalyst for the breaup..but it was probably far too premature. On top of that, you saw him at school....he was calling you EVERY night. When did he get a chance to miss you? Maybe he got his fill of you and saw it going nowhere after that. Some people are like that. They like the chase..and not the final "catch". There is a LOT to be said for taking things slowly. Relationships tend to burn out faster the quicker they move. Try to go a little slower next time......

 

Good luck to you...

[DN]

I agree with Lady Bugg and I think wanting a commitment was way too early.

 

But I also think that the 'chemistry' was not there for him and it took a while for the initial attraction to give way to a basic incompatibility. This is not your fault - it's just they way things turn out sometimes.

[TakingtheBlame]

Thanks for the responses. I was worried that I had perhaps come on too strong in asking for a commitment so early in the game, which I'm sure may have been a factor in his decision, but relationship overload and/or lack of chemistry no doubt played their part.

 

I thought I'd seen my fair share of relationship woes by now and then BAM, a basic breakup just throws me for a loop. It's always hard to accept that somebody you like can be attracted to you at first and then realize he doesn't like you after all...but sometimes a reality check is really in order.

 

Again, thanks so much for the responses...I will be checking back here often. This site has been so helpful!

[kadvati79]

Just be glad it didn't take a few years to figure it out! I'm sure you will bounce back. It doesn't help that you see him at class every day, can you change to another stream of lectures perhaps so you would avoid him?

[TakingtheBlame]

I don't know if I can change sections...even if I could, I'd imagine that the administrative hassle would probably end up being more trouble than it's worth.

 

Fortunately, today is the last day of classes and then, after finals, I will be heading out of the country for a month...so by the time I return I hasten to guess he will be a distant memory!

[leroy46]

what is it baout him that really attracted you? i mean beyond looks. hopefully the of classes will helo and you will be better after the break. have you been through other break ups where you felt like this afterwards? is it normal for you to become attached this quickly? you may have been a convenience to him, but as soon as you mentioned committment he began really thinking things through. too many girls get head over heals too fast and then get hurt. and guys dont know how to be honest from the start and let the girl know how they feel. anyway, hope i'm making some sense.

[GottaLetItBurn]

It's really hard if you see him all the time. When that stops I think it will be hard to no be seeing him at all anymore.

 

Just start healing, everyone heals no exception.

 

One day you will be glad that this happened to you. This is something that as horrible as it may feel, a break up turns into the most meaningful learning experience a person can have.

[TakingtheBlame]

Thanks for the responses...the more I get, the more I feel I can learn for future reference.

 

Leroy -- It actually wasn't his looks that attracted me initially...he's not even my ideal physical type. I liked that he was a little older than me, somewhat accomplished (he had already established a career before he decided to take a stab at law school), and that he was articulate, assertive, and appreciated good literature. He also pursued me pretty aggressively, which never hurts. We had some differences, but as I saw it we had a lot of fun together. Yes, I tend to get attached pretty quickly, but in the past I've somehow been fortunate enough to be involved with guys who were the same way, and we generally ended up in fairly long-term relationships which ended amicably. This was my first time getting involved with someone past the first date stage which ended in me being dumped so quickly.

 

I didn't just randomly bring up commitment...he asked me several questions about how I would feel if he or I met other people and ended up sleeping with them, and I answered as honestly as I could (yes, it would hurt.) Do you think things would have lasted if these talks hadn't come up?

 

Gotta -- Yes, I am already beginning to heal...obviously, as much as it bugged me, time simply won't let a one month relationship ruin my life. Occasionally I still miss him and wish we could at least have the civil classmate relationship back, or that I could call him about an assignment. I think it's the "what-ifs" that bug me most of all...could it have been something more if I hadn't gotten so clingy? Would it eventually have fallen apart anyway, and hurt even more by then? But in the long run, yes, I'm glad I've had this experience now, when I'm [relatively] young, so I can learn from it and try not to make the same mistakes with the next guy I get along with.

[leroy46]

How did he answer the questions about sleeping with other people? it's good that you answered it honestly. maybe he was feeling you out. seeing how attached you might be. i know guys may seem confusing to you most of the time, but we're not too hard to understand as long as there's good communication. if a girl asked me how i would feel if she slept with someone else it would make me think hard. what are their motives, why would they want to know, are they thinking of cheating?? funny how little questions can explode into so many different thoughts. what's been your longest relationship?

[GottaLetItBurn]

I've read a pretty general statement about men that I agree with myself. We do NOT value "friendship" with woman that much. I think when I'm attracted to a girl I don't care about ruining a "friendship" with her if I can take it further.

 

I think it's a waste of time to be just friends with a girl, because if she wants a friend then she can go talk to a girl. I think if there is no relationship you shouldn't count on them being your friend though. It sounds stupid and immature but that's just the way it is.

 

Sex is what drives men, and to be friends with a girl that a man is attracted to would be torture and a waste of time.

 

Woman do value friendships a lot more for reasons I don't understand and should probably try to. It's just that I understand why he wouldn't care.

[TakingtheBlame]

Leroy -- He said he could accept that "things happen sometimes" and although he didn't want me sleeping with other guys he would have to accept that I might. Same went for him and other women, apparently. I don't really subscribe to that theory, which I made very clear...I wonder what he hoped to gauge with that question and how significant it was.

 

And my longest relationship was a year and a half...not as long as some, I know, but definitely enough to form some sort of bond with the person and not feel like anything silly ruined whatever we had.

 

Gotta -- I guess I feel like I've just invested money in the stock market and lost it all...I want to feel like all of the work and emotion I invested in this person (yes, even after just a month it feels like something of an investment)won't just go to waste and leave us strangers. But I guess this is the whole Mars / Venus distinction people are always making...I'm a woman, and I have all these sentimental goals and he....well, he's a man, and you've explained that gender well enough.