Cancer... it's killing my relationship!!! Pls advise

[Moonlight80]

Hello

 

I've been in a relationship for six months now. My boyfriend is wonderful and everything was going well until about two months ago. My boyfriend is a concer patient and he's been on remission for almost three years now. Well, he went to the doctor in March and the doctor found some cancer cells in his system. Now he has to go back and get some shots to get rid of them.

 

My problem is not that he's sick but the way he deals with me and the stituation. For instance, when he found out about the bad news he did not tell me right away. Instead he began to act very weird and distanced himself from me. The relationship changed dramatically. I thought it was me … something I said, or did. Until I found out what was wrong. Of course he did not tell me willingly, we had a fight. Ever since then he said he was going to open up to me and let me in his life more and help him go through the procedures to come. Nothing has happened. He's been nervous and frustrated and he won't talk to me about it. Instead he's always arrogant and makes me feel like I don't know what he is going through and never will. In the past two months we have spent no time together, he hardly ever calls me. Our communication is totally over. Instead we talk through emails and Ims when we're online… occasionally.

 

I have expressed to him how I feel. I have told him I don't mind that he's sick and I would never leave him for that reason. I know he loves me and I love him too. Lately has been hard being away from him when I know he needs my support. But every time he says he'll change that.. he never does. He has left me hanging waiting for his call when we plan to do something together, and calls me way too late and acts like nothing is wrong. I feel like he does it on purpose and I can't help it but act different towards him.

 

We have talked about it and he has admitted to me that he's wrong about the way he's dealing with things. He said he's nervous and does not know what to do. And I understand that.

 

I personally think we have not much of a relationship left. My feelings are slowly fading away and I don't really feel like hearing from him because he's always cold and arrogant. I always feel like I'm a chore for him. He wants me to stay in his life but he acts the opposite way.

 

My question to you is, Is there any other way I should be dealing with this? Should I just leave him? I don't want to do the easy thing, but the right thing. But I have to think about me and my feelings too, right? If I'm not happy how can I make him happy? He makes me feel like he does not want me there to help him, but he wants me to stick around and be ready when he's ready! That's not fair to me. After all I'm supposed to be ther for him for better or for worse. In sickness or in health. I guess he does not think like that.

 

Please advise as to how to deal with all this.

 

Thanks,

[southerngirl]

No dont leave him. Stay supportive and be there for him in whatever level he is comfortable with. He may be pulling away from you because he is fighting for his life right now. He may not want to hurt you. He may be scared to let you know whats going on because he may be afraid you will leave, he may consciously want you to leave. But, unless he tells you to leave the friendship/relationship do not do it. It may be that all he can think about is fighting to live right now and doesnt want to be a burden on you. Cancer is a serious illness and right now he may be giving you all he can.

[itsallgrand]

The other side:

 

What he is showing you now is how he deals with extreme stress and hardship.

Perhaps he is worth some more time to see if he turns around, but yes: your feelings and needs are important too.

 

If you're looking for someone who will stick by you, and to pass support to through thick n' thin....like a possible marriage partner....this *may* be indicative of what will be to come (how he will react in other hard situations - by pulling away).

 

It is a difficult position. Only you know how much is enough giving on your side without the effort coming back.

 

I very much hope he is doing alright and is getting well. Does he let you know how his health is and does he keep you up to speed?

[RayKay]

My guess is his reaction is more out of fear and in a way not wanting to have you see him vulnerable. Cancer is scary for anyone, whatever age, and people deal with it differently. My mum is going through it right now, and has been my hero through it, and my stepfather has been so supportive. We have a young family friend in his early 20's whom is in remission from testicular cancer (he had to have both removed as well as portions of his intestine) and he is just happy to be alive right now. I have had many family members go through it, and they all deal with it differently.

 

My mother is so positive most of the time, but sometimes gets down. My grandfather resigned himself but cheerfully when he found out (it was untreatable), ready to join my grandmother whom died years earlier. Our neighbour has fought it with humour and positivity, and is in full remission. Another family friend lost her leg, but jokes with my mom all the time about the trials and tribulations of cancer. Other people withdraw from the world totally, away from people, life, because it reminds them of what they may not have. Everyone is different.

 

I think the key though is even though it is him going through the illness, you should still feel part of the "team" fighting it. My mum calls us her "dragonslayers" for example (her cancer is the dragon). If you were the one ill, what would you want from him?

 

Should you leave him? That's tricky. In some way, it already sounds "over" :

 

In the past two months we have spent no time together, he hardly ever calls me. Our communication is totally over. Instead we talk through emails and Ims when we're online… occasionally.

 

I don't think you should stay just because he has cancer. I really don't think you should stay in something where it seems pretty apparent you are also not really having a "relationship". I think you have ever intent on being there for him and being supportive, but you can't do that all by yourself either.

 

It sounds to me that he just does not want the added stress of a relationship right now, that you were maybe still too early on in the relationship to be pulled into it in his mind. I am unsure. I think if you communicate how you want to be there, and there is still the distance from him, you have to decide whether you want this in a relationship or not, are you fulfilled?

 

There is another poster here - SilverManic I believe - whose recent boyfriend was also going through cancer and had a similar tough time to you I believe. You may want to read her posts and talk to her a bit about it.

[scarew]

If the sickness is transpiring to your relationship every day then its not a healthy way for him to deal with it. A serious illness can be dealt with a number of ways, but its all in the individuals state of mind. He has the right to be selfish right now if he chooses. But it can and will drive people away.

 

Sit down with him, look him in the eye, and stay serious. Tell him how much you care about him and want this to work. And that you know how hard this must be for him. But the way in which he is dealing with this sickness is killing you. Tell him that he has every right to act the way he is right now, but if he chooses that path he will see consequences. Not just in your relationship but in everything. Tell him that if he needs a shoulder to cry on every day you will be there for him but this method of being cold leaves you little to work with. When someone is acting the way he is there is no right thing that you can do.

 

This might sound harsh to some people but it is what worked for me when I became really sick. I just needed somebody to be stern and put me in my place. Its not selfish or unsympathetic of one to do this because it is ends up being much healthier for the person who is sick. People go through serious illnesses every day and there will always be someone who is worse off than you. And alot of those people deal with it in a healthy way. Yes it is painful and causes you to be nervous and anxious. But some people are even able to throw some humor on it. Others don't discuss it or let it out during the day but really look to the people they care about if they want to talk or cry. (((hugs))) I hope you guys are ok.

[Moonlight80]

Thanks a lot for all your advice.

 

Everything that is being said I have tried and tried. I really want to be there for him in any way... that's what I know. But most of the time he won't even tell me when he has to go to the doctors. It will go something like this..."oh... I didn't tell you?" That's what makes me angry.

 

It happened too early in our very premature relationship... but I'm just concerned about his approach to the situation and dealing with the pressure. It shows me he may not be able to deal with bad situations full of pressure and decision making. He's a very smart guy and he knows he's dealing with it wrong. He says he's scared I'll leave him. I keep telling him... that keeping things from me is the reason that will make me leave... not his illness. I understand he has all rights to be selfish and angry at the world. I admire him so much... because he's very strong and positive about it. I just admire that sooo much! I can't understand why he just can't be upront with me and just fill me in on his health. It's been so hard being away from him lately... but I really think it's what he needs. He has a good family and good friends so I know he is getting good support from them, I just hate that he can't let me do the same. Why can't I be part of his support group?

[RayKay]

Again, it may be as it was so early, that he did not yet feel you were "partners" in it yet, know what I mean?

 

I say you sit down with him at the beginning of the week and say "tell me what appointments you have this week". Let him tell you, and then say "would you mind if I came along to appointment A with you? I would really like to be there for you and see where you are getting your treatments".

 

See how he takes that up. You may just need to be firm with him in that you WANT to be there, and be there. You don't need to go to every appointment, for example, but go to some, see what it is about. See how that works out at least for a few weeks. Then re-evaluate.

[Moonlight80]

Thanks RayKay,

 

I will try that again. I have tried before and was all frustrated and got mad and we didn't talk about it anymore. He has mentioned that he wants me to go with him, and has told me what the treatment consist of - again not willingly I've had to drag that out of him - it was like pulling teeth! See, the thing is he'll agree with me being there - but when it comes to actually doing stuff together relating to his health he'll change his appointment last minute or he'll go when I can't get off my job... see, I can't win!

 

I guess I'll approach him nicely... since we haven't seen each other for a while and our phone conversations are reduced to once a week. Maybe I'll invite him for coffee or something and have a real talk - even if it will lead to the breakup!! Whichever way... I need closure.

 

Thanks so much RayKay, your advice has been very insightful!!! - Thanks

 

Hope your mom is doing good!! I'll keep her and your family in my prayers as well.

[RayKay]

Anytime hon, one thing I have learnt is that cancer and any serious illness is something that you can't tiptoe around, so be compassionate, and supportive, but also don't let him forget about you too!

 

Unfortunately got some bad news today, but I will post about it on my thread soon (I have one called My Mum has Cancer). Thank you for your prayers, and I am certainly sending lots of them your way too for your boyfriend, his family and friends (and most definitely you!).