Not looking forward to bringing my bf out with my friends

[Cyberchick]

Hey everyone,

 

I feel bad about this and want to know if anyone else has gone through this. First of all, I love my bf. We have a great time together. But one of the things I don't really like about him is that he's not very outgoing in groups of people. The first time I brought him to a party at a friend's place, he barely said a word to anybody. I have brought him out on a double date with another couple and it seemed okay. He talked alot with my friend's bf, the four of us had a good time. When he met my sis, he was very outgoing with her, was talking lots with her. She likes him ( she says so anyway ) It was great. But in a group he won't really make an effort to interact. Also, if I'm talking to a friend when we are all together, he is always doing little things to distract me, like play with my hair, like he's trying to get my attention. It's a little annoying, but not a big deal.

 

My friend's fiance is extremely outgoing, isn't afraid to jump into discussions. She doesn't really have to worry about bringing him around in groups, he's not shy at all.

 

So anyways, I always feel this bit of dread when there's a group function, because I'm afraid he's going to be asocial, and I feel almost like I have to babysit him. I feel like I have to bear the responsibility to integrate him in the group. And it should partly be my responsibility --- they ARE my friends. But I wish he would take the initiative and start conersations with them.

 

It's not even that he's shy. I would be more understanding if he was. He says the reason he hangs back is because he tends to want observe people, to see how he would get along with them. But sometimes I wish he would just take the risk and just talk.

 

I'm thinking of asking him to watch the playoffs with my friends on Monday night, but I'm not looking forward to him being there because I feel pressure to babysit him so that he doesn't feel isolated. Plus, I guess I worry that my friends will think badly of him for him not talking to them much. And I feel like a horrible gf for feeling like that because I feel like I should want my bf around my friends.

 

What do you think? How do I handle this? Has anyone been through this?

 

Thanks for listening.

[DN]

This is likely to be a continuing problem - he might be happy as he is and not want to change his personality. If that is the case, can you live with that? Or would you rather leave him and try to find a boyfriend who will impress your friends and be more like your friend's fiancé?

 

I think it is usually a mistake to be with someone you are ashamed of in any way.

[Scout]

I don't have any advice, because I sort of have the same problem. But I'm looking forward to hearing the feedback you get.

 

My boyfriend is a real introvert, and keeps just a small circle of friends. And even around them, he keeps himself somewhat aloof. With me, he's warm, funny, a real joy to be with. But one night a friend of mine was over, and we were all on the porch talking. Well, me and my friend were. My boyfriend literally had his back turned to us practically the whole time while he studied the printed instructions on my fusebox!

 

I asked him later what the deal was, and he said he's just shy around people he doesn't know. I've also told him I wish we had more couple friends to hang out with, but he doesn't see this as very important.

 

Now, I'm not one who really likes to be surrounded by people every day, either, but I do like a little more socialization and would enjoy having the occasional dinner party. But I worry he won't talk and my friends will think he has zero personality. It's ironic, because nothing could be further from the truth!

[Scout]

I think it is usually a mistake to be with someone you are ashamed of in any way.

Well, speaking for myself, I'm not ashamed of my boyfriend's introvertedness, but it's made me a little self-conscious in the past when he clams up around other people. But in all honesty, it's only happened once or twice. We usually just spend time together alone, which is mostly fine with me. Or, if we hang out with other people, it's typically with his friends.

[Cyberchick]

I don't think it's shame I feel of him, I'm proud of him. But I think I do feel self conscious of it. Actually my relationship with him is like Scout's --- mostly time alone which I love, or time with his friends. And he's been great when we are out with couples and when he was with my sis. It's just groups that worry me. But thinking about it, I think it's more my issue than anything else.

 

I guess I have to realize people have their quirks and tgis might be one of them. Still, other people's advice is much appreciated.

[Scout]

Yeah, just socialize with everyone equally when you take your boyfriend out in group situations. Every now and then, say a warm word to him, check to make sure he has everything he needs, make a couple of casual efforts to include him in conversations, etc., and you should be fine. Remember, introverts don't necessarily care if they aren't social butterflies. Relationships/interaction with others isn't as important to them, at least not to the extent it is for more extroverted people.

[melrich]

It does sound like he is an introvert and that's not something you can just change.

 

Meeting a group of people you don't really know the first few times is always daunting, particularly more so if you tend toward introversy. All you mates will have known each other and have shared experiences and that can be difficult to crack.

 

First, never feel self-conscious about it...you will be super-tuned to him, your friends won't, they will accept him because he is with you and hopefully they will take the time tio get to know him.

 

The first few times with your friends you may have to spend more time integrating him into the group but as he gets to know them he will get more comfortable and have more to talk about. If you love him and see this as a long term thing it is worth investing your time to make sure he is included in the group.

[Cyberchick]

Thanks to everyone for their advice. He's definitely worth keeping around, so I'm just gonna relax. My friends who have met like him, they have told me so. So maybe I should just relax.

 

Thanks again.

[tylercdurden2004]

Try to include him in discussions and even if he is not takign the initiative maybe he will start to come out of his shell more. DN has a great point with the fact of you being comfortable with this over teh long haul. If you are an outgoing person and he is not I can create tension and conflicts especaillay in social situations.

[Scout]

If you are an outgoing person and he is not I can create tension and conflicts especaillay in social situations.

 

Hopefully not insurmountable ones. I say this with my own relationship in mind. Bottom line, he's a true kindred spirit, but we do have differences - I'm more outgoing by far than he is. And this spills over a bit in our communication styles, we've butted heads with each other and at times been completely baffled at the other's way of handling something. But, we're overcoming that and learning a lot. It's actually pretty interesting - the introvert & extrovert dynamic can actually be a very rewarding one, once you develop strong understanding with each other.

[melrich]

the introvert & extrovert dynamic can actually be a very rewarding one, once you develop strong understanding with each other.

 

I totally agree.

[tylercdurden2004]

Hopefully not insurmountable ones. I say this with my own relationship in mind. Bottom line, he's a true kindred spirt, but we do have differences - I'm more outgoing by far than he is. And this spills over a bit in our communication styles, we've butted heads with each other and at times been completely baffled at the other's way of handling something. But, we're overcoming that and learning a lot. It's actually pretty interesting - the introvert & extrovert dynamic can actually be a very rewarding one, once you develop strong understanding with each other.

 

Agreed.....

[Jorus Cbaoth]

Why should he change for you? Being quiet is not BAD, and it is not good. It's a neutral personality trait. I don't know a polite way to say this, but it sounds like you talk a lot. Maybe he finds it annoying that you are Lady Chatterly in front of people. You say you love him? If so, you should have the decency to say "Honey, your behaviour is embarrasing me, but I'm willing to live with it." I'm a quiet guy. I don't usually talk unless asked a question or I need to say something to someone. I personally find it extremely annoying when women (or men) have meaningless chats about clothes, shoes, or whatever. Who are you to try and change him, especially when nothing's wrong?

[AwdreeHpburn]

My personal opinion - leave him be. He's a big boy. Has he asked you to hang by him and not socialise yourself because he feels uncomfortable?

 

If not, then he's prolly very comfortable being how he is.

 

i understand when you say you don't think its an issue of being ashamed of him, but i think it is a form of that. You seem to think - based on things you said - that you think his behaviour somehow reflects on you, but it doesn't.

 

I mean, what's the worst that can happen?? Your friends might say, "cyberchick" - cos I'm sure they call you that - "what's with the bf? He just sits there?"

 

Just say, "Yeh - he's just not the chatty type." My friends know very little about my mysterious husband. But we're still friends. They come around to hang out with me anyway.

 

I do get what you're saying about wanting the big group thing and everyone in it to get along like old pals, but ya get what 'cha get. Take it or leave it. Right?

[Cyberchick]

Jorus C'baoth, you think I talk alot? Is that supposed to be an insult? I think it's an unfair assumption that I talk alot just because I'm expressive in my posts. I have to say, I felt a bit attacked by your post. Just being honest. I do understand what you are trying to say though. I guess I would have appreciated if it had been expressed to me in a different way.

 

You're right, I can't change him. I can live with it, I will live with it because he is important to me.

 

It's all part of learning how to be in a relationship. We can't always have everything the way we want it to be, and a relationship shouldn't cater to my every whim.

 

Thanks again to everyone for their posts.

[Momene]

Get him to meet friends beforehand in small groups then some people won't be strangers to him. he IS comfortable in small groups, as you say.

[eleanorrigby1]

you know, the only thing that really matters is what you think of him!

 

My boyfriend makes me laugh all the time, I adore him, he is great and confident and fun and sweet and romantic and we never run out of things to say. However, he has this "if they dont like me f*** them!" attitude and when he was coming to meet my bosses for lunch, i was nervous, it was really important to me that they like him, I said to him "are you nervous?" he laughs and says "NO! why? I dont give a sh*t if they like me or not, as long as you do!" and I thought "DAMN YOU!! why cant you be bothered"

 

Luckily they liked him for being genuine, but I worried my friends wouldnt like him, he is polite but brutally honest and if I have a friend that waffles he will just switch off and start reading the paper, it drives me mad and I used to get nervous introducing him, but then I realised, these are MY friends and I love them and they love me. He is separate, I love him and he loves me and we get on great, so what if he and my best friends arent the best of friends, as long as there is no bad feelings there, I'll settle for indifference. x

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hmmm....could you talk to a couple of your closer friends before the event and let them know the situation, so that they know what he's like and are, for want of a better word, "forewarned?"

[bo0]

Im quite an introverted person, i have to admit i dont like group situations but if i go somewhere with my GF i try and make the effort so as not to show her up. She says she doesnt mind that im like that but i still try and atleast relax enough to join in conversations, it usually requires a little alcohol though to get me going. Im not saying drinking is the answer!

 

Once ive talked to some1 for abit at one party then when i see them next time its easier to talk to them. It is a hard thing for some people to be comfortable in those kinds of situations. I make a fool out of myself all the time because i dont know how to talk to people and they just dont understand my sense of humor, but i still get on ok.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

NO! why? I dont give a sh*t if they like me or not, as long as you do!"

 

he is polite but brutally honest and if I have a friend that waffles he will just switch off and start reading the paper

 

Good. Great. I like to hear this. There would be a lot less crap if more people had this attitude.

 

-----------------

Jorus C'baoth, you think I talk alot? Is that supposed to be an insult?

 

Of course not! Insulting people I don't know would be a huge waste of my time, and it doesn't gain anything for me. As I said before, nothing is wrong with not talking, and nothing is wrong with talking a lot. I'm just pointing out that you sound like polar opposites (communication wise). Introvert and extrovert.

[Scout]

Of course not! Insulting people I don't know would be a huge waste of my time' date=' and it doesn't gain anything for me. As I said before, nothing is wrong with not talking, and nothing is wrong with talking a lot. I'm just pointing out that you sound like polar opposites (communication wise). Introvert and extrovert.[/quote']

 

Joras, I have to agree with Cyberchick that your first post sounded pretty abrasive. In fact, quite different from how you rephrased yourself just now, which is a neutral observation. That's a big contrast with your "Lady Chatterly" comment in the previous post. I was very taken aback when I read your post, too.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

I'm the first person to agree with you that I do not have much tact. Maybe it's a regional thing. That's what we say when someone talks a lot. It's not an insult. Like I said, insulting people isn't worth my time. Not because it makes me feel bad, but because there's nothing in it for me.

[Cyberchick]

It's okay, Jorus. No big deal.

 

I spent this whole weekend with my bf, and he's absolutely the sweetest, most wonderful man I have ever met. If my friends don't like him, that's fine. In fact, he's met a few of them and they like him, mostly because he's good to me. They would like anyone who treats me well. And even if they didn't like him, so what? I'm the one who's dating him and all that matters is that he makes me happy.