Is this a rebound???

[cakes1979]

I was with a guy for a year and a half. We fell in love very fast and we were on top of the world for the first 9 months...then things changed. I wasn't being treated the way I needed or wanted. He kept say that he was going to move from Phoenix to Chicago (where we are both from, met in Phoenix though). Anyway, he finally came to the decision that he way moving. We left things that "we would see what happened" but that we would both move forward in our own lives. This was 2 months ago.

This guy lived with a roommmate here in Phoenix. The night he was moving out of his apartment his roommate was having another friend move in, he was moving from Chicago to Phoenix...coincidence??? That night I met the new guy. The three of us were sitting on the couch, just shooting the * * * *. The new guy say to my ex, "does she come with the room" to which he responded, "if you want the headache"!!! I was crushed by that comment.

Anyway, over the next couple of weeks I hung out with the new guy quit a bit. It was so nice having someone to spend time with and we have a blast together. One thing has lead to another and now we are "seeing" each other. It's great because this new guy has all of the qualities I'm looking for in someone. He is very respectful, is very easy to talk to and we communicate great with one another.

In the mean time the ex has contacted me several times saying what a mistake he has made with me. That he feels we are soul-mates and all that stuff. The thing is that I'm done with him. There is nothing he could say or do to make me change my mine or want me to ever want to prosue a relationship with him. Tonight I told the ex that I didn't or really couldn't have contact with him, that I just want to move on with my life and that it complicates things when we talk, e-mail or text. He know about me seeing the new guy and said that I was disrespectful for moving on so fast and for seeing this guy in particual. He ever said that the only reason I'm with him as to get back at him for the headache comment!!!

I told the new guy about the conversation and he feels we shouldn't see each other right now. That I need to get my head on straight and be ok on my own for a while for a relationship to work out. I do agree with him on this. He doesn't think the ex should be having this much effect on me if I was truly over him. How much time do I need to give myself? The thing is, I really do like this new guy...or is it just a rebound???

[bobo85]

A rebound is someone you are with right after a relationship because you feel vulnerable. Basically if you didnt heal enough after a breakup and dated too soon, then its a rebound.

[Siriana]

You know the best if this is a rebound. Only you know your feelings. Maybe try asking yourself am I in love with this new guy as much as I was in my ex? That will clear things up for you.

 

How much it takes to forgive someone? I don't know, for me it takes very long... But with nc it takes less. I've heard once that dividing the time you've spent with someone by 2 is the time you need to be prepared to commit yourself again- I don't know how it works if you've been married for 20 years - I guess that then you have some other criteria

There are so many things that are influencing how long your rebound will last. It depends on you caracter, on the relationship....

 

It is so normal that you are angry at your ex - it wasn't any of his bussiness to give you his opinion about your new relationship. Don't inform your new bf about things your ex says or does - it is hurting him probably. Keep it to yourself and deal with it as you've planned.

 

The stage of beeing in love without the ability to see other person objectively can last up to a year - for some people it's 6 months, for some 9, and sometimes even more. So basically after 9 months you got a chance to see true colours of your ex. Now he can say things about beeing soul mates and other crap, but the fact is you got a chance to see who he really is when first stage of beeing in love was gone.

[kadvati79]

syrix thats a really, really good post. I can't really add anything to that, and it made alot of sense too me. Thanks!

[Siriana]

thanks, I hope it helped

[Süsser Tod]

How much it takes to forgive someone? I don't know, for me it takes very long... But with nc it takes less. I've heard once that dividing the time you've spent with someone by 2 is the time you need to be prepared to commit yourself again- I don't know how it works if you've been married for 20 years - I guess that then you have some other criteria

There are so many things that are influencing how long your rebound will last. It depends on you caracter, on the relationship....

 

 

That is plain nonsense. It is different for each of us, and even for each of us, it will be different for each relationship. There are no written rules about how much it will take you to heal.

 

I think it is just something someone came up with so you can give yourself a timeframe for dweling/healing.

 

I can say, in my experience, I dated a girl for 1 month, because I was too stupid we never got to be exclusive nor bf/gf. It took me a hell more than 1/2 month to get over her, in fact I don't really know how long it took me, as 3 months after that I jumped into another relationship... (but I can say I still missed her after one year, and even got a phone answering machine just in case she called, and treasured her message "happy bday" that she left one year later)

 

The past relationship, lasted 4 years. It was good maybe only the first year, and the two last were not so good, but the last one was specially bad. So bad we broke up last summer for two montsh, and in my 5 minutes of stupidity, I got dragged in back into that relationship.

 

Next 6 months were awfull, she fell hard for me, she had never been so much in love with me, but I was unable to feel anything for her anymore.

 

One good day, I broke up with her, and decided to go after a girl I had met some months before, something I should had done a lot of time before.

 

 

I'm just trying to give an example of how that 1/2 or 1/3th as I had known it, is not true. The relationship it has taken me the longest to get over, was the shortest one, and I'm not even sure we could even call it a relationship, and my longest relationship (4 years) I got over it as soon as she walked out the door...

 

 

The stage of beeing in love without the ability to see other person objectively can last up to a year - for some people it's 6 months, for some 9, and sometimes even more. So basically after 9 months you got a chance to see true colours of your ex. Now he can say things about beeing soul mates and other crap, but the fact is you got a chance to see who he really is when first stage of beeing in love was gone.

 

Again, not true. Depends for each person. To me it is no longer than a couple of weeks, and it sucks! I would like to be in that honeymoon everything is good stage for a longer time.

On my latest relationship, we had been together for 5 days and I broke contact with her and disapeared, and if she hadn't chased me, I wouldn't have come back to her.

 

Why I did that? ](*,) Because I'm stupid, bipolar, etc.

 

All I'm trying to say is that there are no written rules for how things will happen and how you will feel. Maybe after 9 months he had trully fallen out of love with her, and actually started doing those things that drove her mad. You can't blame her perception for that.

[Beyondthesea]

I agree that it differs for each person, but mainly the idea is: Did you start dating to get over the pain of the ex? If yes, then it's a rebound. If you started dating because you genuinely liked him and wanted to get to know him, you're clear.

[Süsser Tod]

I agree that it differs for each person, but mainly the idea is: Did you start dating to get over the pain of the ex? If yes, then it's a rebound. If you started dating because you genuinely liked him and wanted to get to know him, you're clear.

 

On that part I agree 100%

[renaissancewoman101]

Rebounds are funny. People on here say that you shouldnt date until you are COMPLETELY over your ex where you can think about him/her and not have any strong emotions (anger/love/sadness) for them. Then they all say that one should go and meet people of the opposite sex and hang out as a way of getting over the past relationship and realizing that you still have the ability to meet people and date. Either way, rebounds are bound happen.

 

What about those who never let go emotionally with the ex's and have some strong bonds of friendship with them, is every following dating relationship going to be a rebound for them? I am still very close friends with my first ex (who is also my best friend). I do a lot of stuff for him and we hang out with his bf on a semi-weekly basis. Does that mean that every other guy I eventually go out and date and have a relationship will be a rebound for me? My current ex did tell me that one of the bigger reasons why he broke up with me was because I was still so close to my best friend (first ex).