What the heck??

[SwtMary]

I dont really know if this is the correct place to put this but I have to vent. Do single men not realize that when they date or sleep with or flirt or whatever they do with a single mom they are involved with her child also?? How can you have sex with a single mom and then tell her that the relationship cannot go anywhere because he doesnt like children?? I dont understand that at all!! I am so confused and ticked off right now I could scream!!!

[Scout]

That's lame, what a jerk. Well, hon...even us single with no kids gals get the same treatment if we don't make sure in advance the guy is on the up and up.

 

So, don't jump into bed with anyone until he has made his intentions clear and has assured you by his actions and words that he's the real deal. Simple as that.

[justpaisley]

Maybe next time, a pre-screen process is in order. Find out his relationship and experience with children, maybe let him spend a little time with your child(ren), as a friend, before becoming involved with him. That way, you'll make sure you know he's not just lying to you to get you into bed.

[scarew]

My mom has been through her share of husbands and boyfriends. And I dont really consider her parenting very good. But she always included her kids as a part of the screening process. In fact, even if a guy was good to us kids and didn't have a problem with it, if he didn't go out of his way to be a part of our family, she left him.

 

I suggest making a list of things that YOU prioritize. Maybe you don't need a guy to be involved with your kids, but you just want respect for the fact that you DO have children. It sounds kind of shallow, but try making a criteria list. If a guy doesnt appear to meet it, don't invite him in. Be picky. You are an amazing person and you deserve to get everything you want. Of course, none of us can avoid the ***holes who lie to get sex then take off the next day. But lay your cards on the table if your out on a date. Don't scare him away, but let him know that your a mother, and aren't really interested in one night stands. It doesnt mean you necessarily want to marry the guy, you just dont find it appropriate to have sex with random people.

 

(((hugs))) and don't worry about that *ucker. Karma will give him what he deserves haha

[SwtMary]

The thing is me and this guy have been friends for like 2 years. We decided to take our relationship or whatever it was to the next level and then he drops this on me. I am not one to sleep around and it took a lot for me to finally sleep with him.

[Goodfun88]

I hate to tell you this, but that guy was not your friend. Friends don't do that to friends. Sorry, you got played. Learn from it, and make sure in the future you make it clear that your children are important, and come first and any guy that has a problem with that can walk. Don't let this one guy's actions effect how you think of all guys. Good luck!

[SwtMary]

I dont think very highly of guys. In my short and very little experience guys are after one thing. I know that sounds stereotypical and shallow but I can only judge from what I have learned.

[shes2smart]

So, don't jump into bed with anyone until he has made his intentions clear and has assured you by his actions and words that he's the real deal. Simple as that.

 

There's the key to it...underlined above. At least that was the key for me. If the words and actions don't match up, pay attention to what the actions tell you...not the words.

[shes2smart]

I dont think very highly of guys. In my short and very little experience guys are after one thing. I know that sounds stereotypical and shallow but I can only judge from what I have learned.

 

They're not all like that.

 

Blaming all men may make you temporarily feel better, but it's not going to help you in future encounters.

 

You need to take a step back and look objectively as you can at your actions and your choices. We all make mistakes and can occasionally be deceived by a smooth-talker, but if it's a pattern then you need to learn how to make better choices for yourself.

 

In my previous relationships I was involved with an alcoholic and a cheater (just to name 2 less-than-stellar choices). It wasn't until I went through the sometimes difficult and painful process of figuring out how MY choices were putting me into those bad situations that things started to improve.

 

Learning to make better choices resulted in better relationships. It wasn't easy, but the marriage I'm in was worth every bit of the effort.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

i'm not sure i understand --is your assertion that single moms are entitled better treatment by the men in their lives than other single women? i don't get it? have i missed something here? entirely possible i am reading that wrong.

 

aside from that, being a mother or not, i wouldn't choose to get that physical with a guy unless and until i felt that there was an established relationship there, that we were both happy with and all that.

[DN]

I dont think very highly of guys. In my short and very little experience guys are after one thing. I know that sounds stereotypical and shallow but I can only judge from what I have learned.

 

It not only sounds stereotypical and shallow but it is these things. I am sorry you have been hurt but there is no need to insult me simply because I am a man.

 

I have been married for over thirty years, longer than you have been alive. I have two daughters and two grandchildren. Millions of other men have similar relationships or are committed to one in the future and certainly see more to life than 'only one thing'.

 

If you allow yourself to become that bitter the chances of finding a man who wants the same things that you want drop to about zero.

[SwtMary]

Oh no I don't think that at all. I just don't understand how men that date single moms don't see that we are a "package deal" or at least that is how I see it. Other moms/dads might not see it that way, but that is how I am. When I meet someone online or anywhere else that is one of the first things I tell them. Maybe that is the wrong thing to do...I dont really know.

[SwtMary]

I know DN but I am just hurt right now...I got thru these phases about hating men and then not being able to live without one. I am sorry if I offended you.

[DN]

You might also bear in mind that single dads face the same problems.

 

You need to make your expectations clear and not assume things are obvious. It is not unusual for people to have sex in a relationship when neither party thinks that it will be long term. Not everyone sees sex as meaning there is a commitment.

 

It is also not fair to assume that someone has some sort of moral duty to date single parents with a view to taking on their children as a step-parent. If someone doesn't want to parent children other than their own that is their right and no one should blame them for it.

 

If everyone makes their intentions clear early on instead of making assumptions - many of these problems would be avoided. Both of you failed to do that.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

me, i'm not offended, but i just think that your expectations might be a little skewed. lots of people have had a lot of hardships, and their own crosses to bear in their lives, and i don't know if it's realistic to have the expectation that you should be treated differently or better because of it.

 

you have a child, and imo, yes it's probably best to be upfront about it like you said you are. you'll meet some people who will like you and some who won't. and whether or not you have children, some will treat you better than others, it's up to you to decide whether you continue to see them.

[SwtMary]

I am apparently not saying at all what I mean. I did not mean to offend anyone and I certainly do not think that I should be treated better than anyone. If anything I think the opposite but that is a whole other thread. I am sorry if I am not making sense...

[Day_Walker]

If you are a single mother and looking for commitment then I believe that you need to make more of an effort to check out the guy and make sure the he has no problems with your child or even having a relationship. If thats not your primary concern when you are picking guys then you will end up with the wrong ones. You may want to blame the guy but you arent without fault. Learn from this situation so you can make smarter choices.

[SwtMary]

I must be doing something wrong because i did think I knew this guy but i apparently didnt...

[DN]

I think I understand. You are hurt and somewhat disenchanted and that is leading you to say things you don't really mean.

 

I also suspect you are scared that you will never find someone who will love both you and your child and that you will allways be lonely. Is that true? Even a little bit?

[SwtMary]

omg you hit that nail on the head, DN...that is one of the biggest fears I have. When something like this happens to me I fly off the edge and start assuming things and start over analyzing. I know its a pattern and I know its not right but I cant seem to stop it...

[Dako]

I once had a single mother as a platonic friend. I never crossed that line because I saw her daughter as a part of the deal, and didn't have the maturity to handle the whole monty if things got serious.

[DN]

Remember that you cannot control what other people think or do. But you can control what you do.

 

I think what you may be doing is starting a relationship with guys, even in the very early stages, by not being entirely upfront about what you are looking for - because you think you will scare them off. Then you hope that they will be so involved in the relationship that they will 'overlook' the fact that you have a child, fall in love with both of you and all will be well. And that is not happening for you.

 

So perhaps you need to look for men in different places and in a different way. Don't downplay in any way the fact that you have a child but celebrate it - advertise it, happily and with confidence. That way, men who are attracted to you will be attracted partly because you have a child not despite it. Make your child an asset in their eyes not a liability.

 

See what I mean?

[SwtMary]

yes I do see exactly what you mean...thanks

[WildChild]

After 2 years of being friends, you had no clue what his thoughts on children were??

[SwtMary]

Well I guess I assumed that he didnt have a problem with it. he never expressed that he didnt like children, so I guess I just assumed that he didnt care either way...yes I do know what they say about assuming...