I'm losing my mind

[sugarmomma]

I am writing yet another post. I have written on here many times. Every time I have written, most people have advised me to simply end my relationship. I guess I am being stubborn but I am just not ready to let go of this relationship. I love my boyfriend more than I have ever loved anyone.

 

So instead of asking what I should do (breakup or stay together) like I have in my original posts, I am simply asking for advice on how to try and make things better.

 

Essentially I can't seem to find any security in my relationship and I am starting to sabotage it. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years and our relationship has always been on the verge of collapsing. My boyfriend has always been hot and cold. I know he loves me desperately but it is his first relationship. Every time things get the slightest bit difficult, he's tries to run. Even when things go well, he always has a certain lack of confidence in our relationship

 

The repercussion of this is that I always suspect him of secretly wanting to escape our relationship. It's made me paranoid and over sensitive. I refuse to allow things to go good without second guessing everything and trying to instigate an argument.

 

More recently my boyfriend finally seems committed to our relationship. I have given several opportunities to leave. But he maintains that he wants to work things out. He's been very affectionate and sweet. He's stood by me and helped me through almost all of my insecure moments. In short he has done everything he can to re-assure me. He's spent as much time as he can and devoted as much to our relationship as is possible and it's still not good enough for me.

 

I can't seem to let go of the insecurities he created in me and I can't seem to let go of anything hurtful he has said to me in the past. This past weekend I totally freaked out on him. I cried all weekend long, I accused him of faking his feelings, I took turns pushing him away and then pulling him closer. I got upset no matter what he said or what he did. One of the problems is that he is a horrible communicator and when I throw accusations at him, he doesn't deny them. He will deny them if I prompt him to, otherwise he remains silent, which only confirms my fears. But that is just his way of dealing with things. When I get upset, he gets so scared. He simply shuts down.

 

I think he's starting to reach his breaking point and starting to withdrawal again. He says that it seems like nothing he does is good enough and I don't blame him. I am worried that I have pushed him to far away from me and I don't know what to do. He has agreed to counseling but it's is going to take a while before we can implement that.

 

I guess what I am really asking is some advice on how to stop myself from freaking out and how to heal some of the damage I've done. I want to just start over but we've started over so many times. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to heal and rebuild something you just destroyed?

 

I feel like I am losing my mind.

[Beyondthesea]

Something isn't right here. Honestly the whole thing just sounds abusive or something.

 

Regardless of if things are going poorly or not in the relationship, having complete meltdowns at each other normally aren't warranted, and push each other away.

 

If this relationship was good for you, you wouldn't need to be begging for his approval. You wouldn't have to say that everytime there is a problem he runs.

 

You are his first girlfriend. Do you really believe this will turn to marriage? Why would you want it to when it is this difficult to maintain?

 

Life has many problems, your relationship shouldn't be one of them.

 

Really think about this. He isn't the one for you.

[Bethany]

Get yourself a copy of Mars, Venus, it's the oldest book in the relationship store but because it makes great sense and shows you what you are doing wrong and how to correct your mistakes. Make sure he reads it too. Good Luck.

[chigal28]

I PM'd you.....

[kellbell]

Hi there Sugarmomma,

 

I went back and read your posts starting in Feb. 2006 and took out pieces of each of your posts since then and put them in here. I am so sorry about your recent MS diagnosis. (((hugs))) OK....

 

"However about a month into things, he started getting weird."

 

If after a month goes by and things get weird, then this is not a good sign for things to come. This seems to be a pattern with you both. Things will be fine for a month, then things get shakey. Relationships do take work but they should not be this hard.

 

"He still lives at home with his parents , which is the Indian custom. Indian men generally live at home until they marry. Well I started getting tired of it, so I confronted him. He confessed that he was confused and didn't think we should date anymore."

 

 

Ok, I used to work for a family that is from the middle east and their beliefs are very similar to Indian beliefs. Let me tell you, they are very passionate in what they believe in and expect their children to follow suit. It can be very hard when it comes to a relationship. I hate to say this but when I read all of your posts, I could not help to feel extremely bad for your BF. Here he is, totally in love with you, wants to be with you...but feels loyalty and love for his family and what he believes in and what is very familair and right to him. He was caught between to worlds and you made this whole thing about YOU. What about him? Seriously. When you met this guy, were you compelled to learn about his culture, what is expected of him, his beliefs and customs and so forth? None of your posts conveyed you were willing to meet him halfway on anything.

 

 

"He happily agreed and put forward a lot of energy into opening up to me. But then he started flirting with me again. He kept saying what a fool he was to ever stop dating me. So we ended up dating again. And again things were good for about a month. But then I noticed him becoming distant again. Only this time I realized that it was because his parents were putting a lot of pressure on him to stop dating me."

 

Again, sugarmomma, I truly believe he wants to be with you and loves you with everything he has but until you understand how strong his beliefs are and what is expected of him...you are going to run into difficulty.

 

"I tried to get close to his family, but they continued to keep me at arms length. Finally a month after we committed to each other, he started to close up on me again."

 

I am sorry to say hon, this is going to keep happening.

 

I confronted him on it and he confessed he has been curious about sleeping with other woman. I posted a thread asking advice about whether or not I should suggest swinging or if I should break up with him.

 

Well, I would be extremely hurt by his cursiousity and it would probably be a dealbreaker me. I mean he is 26 and has only been with you, so he is going to start thinking along the lines..."I want to see what else is out there..."

 

"I think if he had more faith in our relationship we would indeed move out on his own, but we can't seem to go a month without hindering on the verge of a breakup. Most recently, we had some problems right before Valentine's day. He starting hinting at the fact that he had been wondering what sex with other woman would be like. "

 

Again, this would be a dealbreaker for me. I suspect you guys can only go a month until you hit a wall because his parents are making him feel guilty and getting him to own up to his values, customs, and traditions, which in turn causes a strain on your relationship. This is a pattern. I would strongly advice against the swinging idea because I suspect you will try it in order to keep this man in your life. I only see that being a disaster.

 

 

"If we could escape the outside world and live in our own little bubble everything would be perfect.

When we aren't fighting over things like his parents, him living at home, or dating other people we get along really well. We never argue about normal everyday stuff."

 

What you are fighting about are SERIOUS issues my friend. Because you both have serious issues to contend with, you are never going to fight over everyday stuff. No relationship will be ever perfect, not even the healthiest and strongest ones. It takes sacrifice, compromise, and communication. None of which are present in your relationship, at least of what I have read.

"I think he's starting to reach his breaking point and starting to withdrawal again. He says that it seems like nothing he does is good enough and I don't blame him. I am worried that I have pushed him to far away from me and I don't know what to do. He has agreed to counseling but it's is going to take a while before we can implement that."

 

How many times are you going to go through the agnony of when he withdraws? This keeps happening. I do not see this getting better. He stuck between two worlds and no one, not even his family, has made any effort to meet him halfway or compromise.

 

I truly feel you both need to go your separate ways. I am so sorry my post is not encouraging. You both gave it your best shot, plenty of times. You two are from totally different worlds and completely incompatible. I am not saying people of different cultures, race, religious backgrounds and the like do not work out....it just did not work out for YOU. Take care and wishing you all the best.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

to be honest i think you would be best off to just break away from each other, completely and move on. this does not sound healthy for you. some people just can't be together, even if they love eachother. and once you can accept that, you can let go of it. and just move on. i really think you will find more peace and happiness this way.