So upset .. I'm just a useless, worthless, waste of space

[Mysterious Gurl]

Hey

 

It's taken me all day to think about writing this post, but in the end my head has so many thoughts and feelings that I can't take it anymore.

 

I went to see a specialist today about a recent occurring problem I have had with my heart. If I become to stressed or anxious or worked up .. I start to feel weak and may collapse.

 

So I saw the doctor who has seen me every week since I first collapsed at college over a **** load of stress. He said he couldn't work out what triggered it, but I do have a murmur. When he listened to my breathing he could hear an unusual heart beat and a murmur that frequently appeared.

 

I met my doctor again and his medical team who are thinking about surgery to try and look in to my heart and see if there is a blockage or anything wrong.

 

However ... one of the doctors kept pestering me with questions like:

 

Are you sleeping well?

Are you anxious most of the time?

Do you get emotional quickly?

 

ect ... and I knew where it was going. I am suffering from depression. Now they have discovered that, they can not determine how to prevent me from collapsing.

 

I guess I have been down a lot lately for a hundred reasons. I thought I was starting to recover and move on, but now I feel like I'm back to square one again.

 

I have to change my diet, give up football,try and relax more, sleep more,give up the gym,give up jogging and do breathing excerises.

I have to change to much to stop myself from collapsing and I refuse to stay in a hospital over night! I get scared and lonely on my own.

 

It's also what triggered my OCD, however it's only mild OCD because I'm not frantic about being neat an organized everywhere I go. So that was something.

 

I don't believe it. I can't believe I feel so useless. I can't do anything right, I try and make myself happy but I can't even do THAT right! I sometimes wonder why I live? I mean I am just worthless, and I am a waste of space. I can assure you, if I wasn't here, a LOT of people would have an easy life.

 

I just don't know what I doing anymore ..

 

Miya xx

[Dako]

You might just find the strength to improve things one step at a time.

The depression is your worst enemy right now.

 

Two years ago I was carrying nitro tablets and waiting to see if I needed arterial stents installed. I was so pissed off and depressed I was a mess, and my personal life was equally chaotic. After they gave me a clean bill of health my depression eased a little, but it took more work to get better.

Don't dwell on a pile of problems but take them one thing at a time.

At your age it's not so easy to have to slow down, but modern medicine is truly remarkable. Work with your doctor and get well.

[Stinkweed]

Well, they are specialist so they know what they're doing I think... So try considering everything they suggested. Although I don't agree with the giving up sports part... I mean, do they mean forever? Never being able to play the sports you love? One more thing: Have you always known such things where wrong with you? Because I always thought I was a pretty normal kid until not so long ago when I saw a pattern in my life... I think i might be bipolar or maybe I suffer from depression... I might be happy one day, but as soon as I wake up and try to face reality I feel horribly depressed to the point I wish I'd just die... The only thing that makes me think it's not a good time to die is that I just don't want my parents AND my grandparents to be burying me...

[Mysterious Gurl]

Hey,

 

I don't have to give up sports for good, just until they can see a definite improvement on my heart.

 

It is hard to slow down. I mean I'm a fairly active person and usually quite loud. I mean, I watched football this afternoon and instead of being loud and unbearable, I was just quiet. Thats not normal for me I really don't see the point of living is right now I am depressed just writing this post. I don't think I'm going to be back to rights for quite a while.

 

Just been one of those years if you know what I mean ...

[Dako]

I have a number of friends whov'e bounced back rapidly from cardiac procedures. One fellow I fly kites with had a heart attack and 4 stents installed on Wednesday, and was out flying on Saturday.

Once they find the problem, it's seldom a slow recovery. I hope it goes well for you.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Nothing is easy right now but at rock bottom..the only way for you is up. I know from on here and our discussions off this site that you are way stronger than the average person at your point in life. (Yeah people could start a debate on the nature of "average", but you get the gist).

 

I have every faith in you...and I'm not a faithful person.

Thinking of you.

[Mysterious Gurl]

Thanks *hugs*

 

I feel a bit down now it's been confirmed. I think it's just a shock to the system.

 

I feel really emotional all the time and I am ultra paranoid! I keep annoying the people I love the most in my life with all my weird habits like OCD, depression and anger.

 

I don't mean to be so annoying. It's just there are things happening right now that I can't deal with and all I want is for some kind of comfort.

 

I'm not making any sense I know ... I'm just trying to write down what thoughts are in my head.

 

I feel like there is a game of badminton going on in my head: anger vs jealousy, depression vs OCD and then it turns in to a game including four emotions!

 

anger

jealousy

depression

OCD (well thats not really an emotion)

 

I feel so "blah!" if you know what I mean! don't know how else to describe it!

 

Miya xx

[Hybrid Theory]

Hey,

 

Im having such a problem too, i figured mines just caused by stress and anxiety. im having the same feelings you are too, idk what to do.

[boyinsbabe]

I don't have heart issues, but I feel alone and useless all the time. I have suffered from depression for 15 years. I have a wonderful family and great friends, so why am I depressed all the time?

Both my brothers are geniuses. I can barely hold down a job cleaning houses. Im tired and sleep all day long and then im up all night. It started because i get more depressed at night, when im alone. I love with my parents and my 9 year old, and im 33. I work one day a week because I can't find another job. I feel like Im not wanted anywhere, like im nothing but a burden to everyone around me. I would never hurt myself because of my daughter, but sometimes i wish i could just leave and not look back, just so i can give her a good life, one without me in it.

[Prajoth2011]

Don't Think like that...Look at you...U r truly a good person...And never think that u could give a good life to your loved ones or daughter " the one without u in it"...Cause they have a good and happy life cause u r there in it...U r there with them and that makes every moment of their life so special....

 

And this is to all who thinks they are lonely or useless...No one is useless or lonely in this world...Open your eyes and believe in yourself...Love yourself and others...U all are so special in ur own way...and that's what makes you yourself...Yes we all become useless ones we are dead...Unless we all wanna make our-self useless ..we are not...So WAKE UP...And Show the world That u r the best ...

[henryfirst]

Reading your post I can see that you are a drama queen. Well wake up and smell the coffee and sharpen up. First of all quit all the extra activities that you have; remember that you are a

Human being not some superwoman from planet Cripton. As a human being you are supposed to handle a certain level of weight, if you add too much weight you WILL break.

Eat 4 small meals a day, jog up to 30 minutes per day, and get laid once in a while. Cheer up and in a few months your mental health and physical health should be okay.

[katycloud]

I think I know how you feel. I went through a phase where my health was pretty terrible and I was in and out of hospital... my longest stint in hospital was about 2 weeks. While I was there I was so depressed, felt useless and bored and stupid. When I was at home I felt the same because I couldn't do anything because of my health. I ended up getting so depressed that I felt worthless enough to want to just die. The depression I had experienced I think was definitely caused by my health and the fact that I felt as though I was worthless and couldn't do anything.

 

The first thing you need to do is talk to people about how you feel. It's good to just get the feelings out.

 

Work with your doctor and confide in him any concerns or worries you have. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It's your health. If you're feeling sad about something he might have some professional reassurance about your situation.

 

Find other things that you CAN do that you DO enjoy doing. This may be hard since you can't participate in the activites you love, but have a think about it. When I was sick I read a lot of great books, learnt how to play a new music instrument, surrounded myself with things I enjoyed and kept myself busy with them. You don't need to be physically fast to keep yourself busied with enjoyable things to do.

 

But I do know how you feel and it's a horrible feeling. It will pass. Your health will improve and you'll be able to gradually ease into the swing of life again one day