My ex and I talked about getting back together; your thoughts?

[Bostich]

Hi,

 

My boyfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago and we adhered to a strict NC policy (however, I did run into him out one night.). Over the course of this past weekend we both ran into each other's friends and heard how difficult it has been for the both of us.

 

This prompted an e-mail from me and then a phone call from him. Yesterday afternoon we met to talk about how we have been, etc. During the discussion we were both pleased to find out that we ultimately think this break-up is good for us. At the moment, we have issues that we are working through as individuals (I am in fact in therapy) and they really weighed down the relationship in a way we could not handle. I am completely committed at becoming a stronger individual and need time before I head into any relationship. As well, we both understand that reconciliation can back fire if it is headed into hastily.

 

However, it is very apparent that we still love each other and have strong ties to building some sort of future together (whether it a friendship or something more). We certainly would love to think it could work out for us again but at the moment we want the primary focus to be on ourselves but have discussed that when the timing is more appropriate we will have a serious discussion about committing again. At the very least we will go on a true date. Ultimately, we are leaving ourselves open to the idea that we may very well get back together.

 

In the meantime we have decided to create a structured relationship for one another that still ensures our personal growth but allows us to remain in each other’s lives and develop our own friendship. We both decided to keep it free from any sort of label. Also, for the time being we will see each other a minimum of once a week and allow for a maximum of twice a week. We felt this was important because it seems that it would be quite easy to fall back into old patterns if we saw each other too much. However, we do realize that we need to spend time together to work on our friendship and see if we can change, giving us a better idea about where our future should lead.

 

We agreed that being intimate was fine for both of us as well. However, if either one of us becomes involved with someone else it needs to be discussed before it is pursued. We have both agreed that dating really isn't the best thing for either one of us right now anyway. Yet, we do want to prepare ourselves in case it happens.

 

We know that during this time we need to be very conscious and aware of what we are doing and not allow the focus to shift from ourselves onto the relationship. As well, we agreed to talk about this more often than not so we can check in with one another and see how we are dealing with the situation, how we feel it is going, etc. Obviously, by embarking on this we hope that in the end it will work out but still are aware it might not. We also realize that at some point a discussion will need to happen as to whether or not we will take this to the next level.

 

I feel good about this but wonder what your thoughts might be. I feel like for the place we are both in this really is the most/best we can hope for from one another. In time, I think more and more answers will be made aware to us. Also, given my description of things what advice do you have in dealing with this. I want to keep my head above water and stay true to myself without putting too much hope on what may or may not happen for us.

[melrich]

decided to create a structured relationship for one another that still ensures our personal growth but allows us to remain in each other’s lives and develop our own friendship. We both decided to keep it free from any sort of label. Also, for the time being we will see each other a minimum of once a week and allow for a maximum of twice a week.

 

Who gave you this idea? I think it is a really, really bad idea. I think this has the potential to make you hate each other. Your relationship sounds like a task.

[aggierocker]

Don't do it he's crazy!!!!

[DN]

Who gave you this idea? I think it is a really, really bad idea. I think this has the potential to make you hate each other. Your relationship sounds like a task.

 

I agree absolutely with melrich.

 

You have decided to get back together for all intents and purposes. Just get the relationship back on track and work on yourselves at the same time.

 

Deciding not to put a label on a relationship just means you have a relationship without a label.

[Bostich]

I actually wanted to create a structure to what we are doing. I personally need it for the time being. As we become healthier as individuals I certainly would like to increase our time together and focus more on the relationship. Right now, I need to continue to create a life outside of him while working to re-build our own life together. We have not decided yet to completely get back together, this is simply a step.

 

I also agree with you DN, yes there is not a label but there is certainly a relationship. I think until we are fully comfortable with all the time and responsibilty that comes with a true committment not having a label is where we want to be in our mindset. Right now, we just want to do our best to foster a loving friendship while keeping the primary focus on ourselves. One of our biggest mistakes in the past was being too dependant and needy on one another. I think we both need to trust that this will not happen again before we take the final step. I guess in a way we are "dating." I use this term hesitantly though because this is not something that is unimportant to either one of us, but at the same time we would like to take things slow and become re-aquainted before we make claims about what will ultimately happen.

 

I for one want to enjoy the time we do spend together and work from there.

[melrich]

well I'll be really interested to hear how you guys go. My own opinion is that you cannot "structure" and "plan" a relationship (I'm not talking here about your objectives as a couple).

 

If you can keep us in touch with how it is working out.

[Bostich]

I certainly will keep you posted and although we are talking about structure at this time we do realize the relationship is also organic. We dont want to remain stagnant and as we change I imagine our relationship will too.

 

I just dont want to rush into anything hastily and given the fragility of what could happen a little structure might help. We both know that it would be easy to fall into old patterns by spending too much time together.

 

I dont see us making a chart or anything like that, I simply think our awareness levels will be increased.