i miss my long-term live-in girl. how can i get her back?

[missingthebears]

I feel sort of silly posting this here, but hopefully someone can help. I'm really confused, not sure exactly what to do, but my heart aches a lot and I can't do much of anything lately. I need to get her back. So here's the deal:

 

My live-in girlfriend of over 6 years and I just broke up a few days ago. It was the day after we returned from a long weekend of camping together and we had had a great time (both of us). But the morning after we got back I was searching for a bag to stuff some things in for work (it was raining out), and I stumbled accross a couple notes someone had written to her that she had saved. Bad stuff. Apparently she had cheated on me with some other guy. I was obviously devastated. But I love this woman more than anything, and I resolved that we'd talk about it that night and we'd find a way to work things out, unless she didn't want to (my biggest fear).

 

So I picked her up after work and confronted her, told her I wasn't mad but just didn't understand and that I wanted to talk about it. She cried a lot and admitted she'd cheated, and that she was ending it because we had resolved a few weeks back to concentrate more on our relationship together when I sort of pseudo-proposed to her and she said she wasn't ready. I guess it made her feel really sad and bad about herself more than anything. She said (and I believe her) that she didn't even care about the other guy, but it was just that she was unhappy with her life in general and was trying to find out if she could be passionate about stuff again. Our relationship has always been a friendship first and lately the passion has suffered a little because of it. We used to be passionate all the time but for the past few months (before this other thing even started) she'd just been very depressed. Regardless, we were still (and still are) very much in love and she's also my best friend. The things I miss the most right now are sleeping next to her, kissing the back of her neck in the morning, the playful fights we used to get into, just chilling out and watching television together or getting take-out. The simple things, the things that make a relationship the most important thing in your life, that make everything else bad okay.

 

We talked and talked and talked, and she said she wanted to break up. Not because she didn't love me (which she insists she does very much) but because she felt that she was bad for me (she has sort of been a compulsive liar about stupid little things that I don't even care about over the years too, smoking being the most obvious example) and she needed time to find herself and dig herself out of this pit of self-depression. So she's sort of moved out to a friends house, is planning on finishing out a couple weeks at work, and then moving out for good and going back to her parent's place a couple hundred miles away.

 

I'm really messed up about this. I've professed my love for her, told her that I can look past all this, and that our future is way more important than any of this crap. I am in love with her and need her very much. Living in the midst of all of our mutual possessions is tearing me apart while she's gone. We went out to get dinner together and talk the other night and both cried a lot and she said she would consider moving back in and remaining friends until she departs but I can't convince her that our relationship is worth saving. I don't feel like I can live without her, and I know in my heart that this is worth fighting for, worth dying for. This girl is my entire life, and the one thing that I felt was relatively stable and going well for me. Without her, it's all a huge mess and I'm miserable with my directionless life. We'd been saving to buy a house together, talked about getting a dog, etc, etc. I want to make her happy, and I do make her happy a lot, but not enough I guess?

 

We had been planning on picking up and leaving this area for some place different by the Fall, together, to just escape some of the things that were making us unhappy, but I don't even want to think about moving on without her. She said that her plan had been to end this affair she was having and move on with me and just forget about everything else except for how much she loved me, but now that I've found evidence and knew for sure about it (I had already suspected), she couldn't do that. I don't understand what has changed, except for now she has to face the fact that I know for sure. But I'm willing to move on, look past this. How can I make her see how much she means to me and how it's worth trying again?

 

Thanks for any advice that can be given. I don't know where else to turn, and this is a somewhat desperate attempt, but I need my girlfriend in my life again.

 

(missingthebears)

[IMyselfAmHell]

wow. that's intense, but believe it or not, i totally understand. i know what it's like to love someone more than you can possibly describe, and every moment they're away from you you're thinking about them. what to do... ? you have to talk to her. show up with some flowers and tell her exactly what you've said her. one time i had an affair with my bf (whom i love very much, and i still did at the time), but it was only because i was confused and attracted to the other person as well. at the end of it, i realized how much i loved my bf and it brought us closer together. you have to let her know that you understand what she's done and it's okay. all that matters is your feelings about eachtother.

[missingthebears]

Thanks for the response. That's what I want to do, and what I've tried doing. I wrote her a huge letter saying all this stuff the other day and read it to her aloud. And she cried and told me she loved me, but that she had to stick to her decision. She's the type of person who runs instead of confronting problems, and I'm scared that if I push too hard, try to hard to express how I feel, that she'll just run faster, farther. I need her to understand what she means to me. These things happen, but if you love someone enough I feel strongly that you can work through anything. And I love her that much. I'm miserable, and I think she is miserable too. And I don't understand how retreating to her childhood safety net is going to make anything any better for her, or for me. I miss her already.

[hoppy26]

i know exactly how you feel. my ex-girlfriend is depressed, drinking more then ever and confused. she basically told me the same thing "for your sake move on". she left me because she felt i deserved better.

i expressed my love for he. i expressed my concern, willingness to help...etc. i dont know what to do either. i feel lost as you do. confused, hurt, pushed away and every other miserable feeling. hang in there you are not alone.

[KyokuKazeno]

Erngh... My boyfriend, the one I thought was the love of my life broke up with me just two weeks ago. I have been doing nothing but cry since, so I can at least say I almost know how you feel. I can also say that I think it is safe for you to talk to your ex-girlfriend. My ex pretty much hates me with a terrible wicked passion... I wanted to still be friends, but he says I am psycotic and if we were friends he would start to like me again and he doesn't want that. I am sure if you talk to her, she will come around. It sounds like y'all had a great relationship before. So... I guess we are almost in the same boat. *takes the oars of the boat for a while so he can rest* I'll be hoping and praying for you.

[missingthebears]

Well it seems we're definitely going to be able to at least be friends, which is good. But things are weird nonetheless. She was over here earlier tonight and we went out to dinner again at one of our favorite restaurants and had a bottle of wine, etc and everything was good, but it's just odd because there's like something missing. Something we're both trying hard to avoid talking about or seeing in the other's eyes. We both acknowledge that there are tons of feelings still there and she's quite visibly fighting like mad not to give in to them. Every once in a while, if we hug or hold hands or something (weird, yes) she just tears up and loses it. After dinner we came back here, did some laundry, and watched anime for awhile. Almost fell asleep together like old times. Every time I look at her I'm reminded that I'll never find anyone else quite like this, regardless of the problems we've had. Tugs at the heartstrings real good.

 

I took her back over to her friend's place just a few minutes ago and she seemed reluctant but determined not to stay. We've talked about her moving back in for the remainder of the month before she departs for her parent's place and she definitely wants to do that probably starting tomorrow night. That's going to be sort of awkward, with me sleeping on the couch and all, but better, I think, than just seeing her once in a while when she comes to pick stuff up. Sort of dangerous though, maybe.

 

I'm tentatively planning on terminating our lease and being out of town the same time as she is leaving (one way or another) because I just can't take it without her here, but I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's crazy scary. First time in my life I've been completely directionless. Not sure if she'll eventually decide that this is worth the second chance and leave with me instead of at the same time as me by the end of August or not. She seems determind to stick to her guns on this, but I'd love to be able to help her change her mind and give us another shot, just no idea how to do that without pushing too hard and scaring her off (which would jeopardize the friendship I would imagine, and that's more important than anything to me).

 

Man, this is some weird stuff. But at least tonight has been better than yesterday was. Thanks everyone, for your supportive words.

 

(missingthebears)

[missingthebears]

I keep swinging back and forth, like one moment, I realize that maybe this is best and start thinking about how to move on. And then the next, my eyes snap open and I realize that this girl has been everything to me, my entire frigging life, for over 6 years, and I have no idea how to do that. I woke up in that latter mode this morning. It's hell staring at our mutually owned possessions and thinking "do we sell that and split the proceeds?" "who takes it?" etc. I don't want to have to do this, and I still love her madly. I just don't know why she doesn't understand, won't endeavor further to fix it like I'm willing to (and you'd think I would be the bitter one, with her having cheated and all). Love conquers all, right?

 

She's my best friend, my girlfriend, my shoulder to lean on, my shield from the evils of the world, my everything. And it means too much to me to let go, all the good stuff we've been through. All the happy times, the little quirks between us that make us who we are. For something as stupid as this. I don't want to move on to somewhere else where I have another crappy job, another crappy little tomb-like apartment, another batch of similarly depressed and directionless friends that almost rival my life state... And especially, not without the one thing that has kept me sane and together all along -- her. And the concept of finding another her? I'll never find another her. Sure, she's flawed (we all are), but she's wonderful. She makes me happy, which is unique, because she's the only person, the only thing at all, that's really ever been able to do that for me. I had pictured growing old with her... So maybe I'm being selfish, but I need her to see how important it is to try again, if she loves me as much as she says she does (and she seems to). Why can't I knock down that wall?

 

She says she just can't give it another go, move somewhere else with me because we'd get there, she'd still be miserable with herself, but would convince herself that she was happy, and just stay and secretly be miserable and everything would start over again, without her even being able to control it. I don't believe that, I believe she can be better, and I don't believe she's making excuses when she says that. I think she actually believes it, believes that she'll hurt me again, and that she'll continue to hurt herself by feeling horrible about that. But like I said, I don't believe it. I think people who love each other enough can make it through anything, and it's clear that we love each other enough. The question is just how to make her see, realize that our love is strong enough to overcome it all... Damn.

 

Meanwhile, the moments towards the end of August tick away, and I'm no closer to having much of an idea about how to get our mutual life sorted out, or where I'm going either way. The thing is, if I do somehow get a second chance and can move on *with* her, it suddenly doesn't matter where I'm going or how directionless I am, I know it would be okay. We could move to some random apartment in some random city (or some random town/village for that matter), and I'd find work and be able to be happy. Without her, I have no such reassurances, and everything falls apart. A messy morning indeed.

 

Thanks as always.

 

(missingthebears)