missingthebears

Well, although i appreciate the kind words, i have to have hope. i love this girl. i know i've made mistakes, and she has too. we've collectively made a ton of mistakes, and will probably continue to. no one is perfect. but if people love each other enough, you can work through anything. she means the world to me, and has for the past 6 years. I would die for this girl, and still would, throughout all of this. love is unconditional, being able to look past everything and at the end of the day still knowing in your heart that that person is the right one. i can't subscribe to a theory of love.. to a theory of existence.. in which it's every man (or woman) for themselves. And no one has 100% hindsight, because no one is perfect and nothing is ever that clear. It's all choices and decisions... And how you deal with them.

Well, although i appreciate the kind words, i have to have hope. i love this girl. i know i've made mistakes, and she has too. we've collectively made a ton of mistakes, and will probably continue to. no one is perfect. but if people love each other enough, you can work through anything. she means the world to me, and has for the past 6 years. I would die for this girl, and still would, throughout all of this. love is unconditional, being able to look past everything and at the end of the day still knowing in your heart that that person is the right one. i can't subscribe to a theory of love.. to a theory of existence.. in which it's every man (or woman) for themselves. And no one has 100% hindsight, because no one is perfect and nothing is ever that clear. It's all choices and decisions... And how you deal with them.

So, I posted some stuff here a while back here about the situation I have with my girlfriend. It's been awhile since I posted, so I thought I'd update the status and troll for some suggestoins and advice. I really need em now, more than ever I think. I know the post is long, but please read through it and let me know what you think. This forum has always been great to me in the past, and your comments have always helped a lot. This is the hardest 2 months I've gone through in my entire life I think, and I really want to be with this girl more than anything. Stressing in a big way... What a mess... To recap, my girlfriend of almost 7 years and I have been having a really tough time together lately. She cheated a while back, and a bunch of other stuff too, and just seems full of self-hatred and is depressed. When I found out, I was shocked and hurt but told her that if she still loved me that I wanted to work through it. She said she did still love me, and that she wanted to be with me, and what she had done was a stupid mistake. BUT that she didn't want to hurt me anymore, blah blah, and was going to move out of our place back to her parents' house to "find herself" or "get better" or something like that. She could never really explain exactly what it was she needed to do, and I've always kind of thought she was just trying to find a "nice way" to end our relationship, but other signals seem to say otherwise... And I'm always guilty of trying to look too deep into things. Frankly, I'm just really confused and still madly in love. I'd do anything for her. So anyway, we've stayed living together for like a month and a half since this happened. I (being the smuck that I am) even offered to help her move her stuff back to her folks' place. She originally planned on moving in early September, but then delayed that, and then planned on moving at the end, and that got delayed, and I was starting to wonder if she wasn't having second thoughts. In the meantime, we were having a good time together, just basically like normal. Laughing, having fun together, etc. As things progressed she said that she didn't want to be broken up any more but instead be "separated" for a little while and see how things went.. With the intention of coming back or us moving somewhere else together (more likely, since we both want to get out of the city) in a few months' time. And more recently, she's said that she definitely wants to be with me after a couple months and is 100% planning on coming back but only after I asked her why she always answered questions with maybes and pleaded with her to just tell me if she didn't want me anymore. So I sort of got my hopes up... But now she's actually gone through with the move. I took her up on Saturday, stayed the night (slept in her room with her even, her parent's must think this is pretty damn weird), and left in the morning.. In a little bit of a hurry, since I felt really awkward when some of her parents friends came over. Does she really mean what she's saying? Or is she telling me that it will work because she thinks that is what I want to hear and doesn't want to "hurt me" any more? (Like I said, I've actually asked her this point blank and she rolls her eyes and tells me of course not) Or does she not know herself? The confusion of the whole thing is killing me but I really want to be with her... I would give my life for this girl, and I honestly want to grow old with her. She is my life, the sum of all my hopes and dreams. Serious. So.. she says she'll call and is supposed to come down on a bus next weekend even to go to a wedding with me (one of our friends from college) and wants to see each other regularly, like twice a month on weekends. But... no call last night, which I would have expected, even with her being as forgetful as she is. And it's past 11PM and so far no call tonight either. I don't know what's going on, and whether or not I should take it as a signal of any sort.. Like I said, I'm really bad about trying to read into things. But this doesn't seem unfounded! I've resolved not to call her, and I know I'm reading way deeper into everything than I should be, but it's hard, you know? I've been staring at the phone for an hour now... She's impossible to read too, which doesn't help. But I don't want to drive her further away.. and I really do hope she means what she says... I'm so damn enamored with her, and never thought I'd have to deal with any of this! So even if things do work it's like we're back to long distance dating if this works out I guess, which is sort of weird anyway. At first we weren't sleeping together but that changed over the course of the month she stayed. And we're still not kissing on the mouth which I find really odd given that she'll sleep (just cuddling, no sex) with me and kiss me on the neck, but she said (in an emotional crying session once) that it just doesn't feel right yet and that she wants the next kiss to be really, really spectacularly special... So okay, I guess.. what can I say to that? Also, to further complicate things, I'm in a situation where I need to pretty much move out of my (our) current place in Jan/Feb timeframe so I guess that's when she'll have to have made a decision by, but in the meantime it's just killer not having her here. Tons of her stuff is still here because (a) we couldn't fit it in the truck, and (b) she says that she'll still be partially living here and wants me to keep our mutual stuff so it'll be easier to move when we find another place anyway (or is this, again, just a cover?). We'd both talked about it (both pre and post trauma) and wanted to move out to the "country" (heh) and buy or rent a modest house, get a dog, do the settling in thing, etc. Which if you'd asked me about it two years ago I'd have said no way but right now feels pretty damn promising. I know that's sort of a jumbled recollection of the whole story, but that's sort of how my brain works now: spatterings of thought here, spatterings there. I'm really weirded out that she didn't call last night and hasn't yet either.. and scared to call her myself. Sort of took that harder than I should have. I'm also really confused about what it is that she wants and feel that I'm screwing things up by asking more questions and trying to actively find out.. But what a mess it is just "taking it one day at a time"... Especially when there are a thousand other things up in the air about your life. This was like the one thing that I thought was relatively stable... A lot of my friends think I'm retarded and that this will never work, but I have to believe it can because I love this girl so damn much. She's everything to me. Oh yeah, our 7 year anniversary is 2 weekends from now too. any advice?

So, my saga continues... Please read and let me know what you think. The advice and opinions I've received here have always helped tremendously, and they're really appreciated. Seriously. Story is... My girlfriend of almost 7 years and I have been having a really tough time together lately. She cheated a while back, and a bunch of other stuff too, and just seems full of self-hatred and is depressed. When I found out, I was shocked and hurt but told her that if she still loved me that I wanted to work through it. She said she did still love me, and that she wanted to be with me, and what she had done was a stupid mistake. BUT that she didn't want to hurt me anymore, blah blah, and was going to move out of our place back to her parents' house to "find herself" or "get better" or something like that. Full details from another snapshot in time are [link removed So anyway, we've stayed living together for like a month and a half since this happened. I (being the schmuck that I am) even offered to help her move her stuff back to her folks' place. She originally planned on moving in early September, but then delayed that, and then planned on moving at the end, and that got delayed, and I was starting to wonder if she wasn't having second thoughts. In the meantime, we were having a good time together, just basically like normal. As things progressed she said that she didn't want to be broken up any more but instead be "separated" for a little while and see how things went.. With the intention of coming back or us moving somewhere else together (more likely, since we both want to get out of the city) in a few months' time. And more recently, she's said that she definitely wants to be with me after a couple months and is 100% planning on coming back. So I sort of got my hopes up... But now she's actually gone through with the move. I took her up on Saturday, stayed the night (slept in her room with her even, her parent's must think this is pretty damn weird), and left in the morning.. In a little bit of a hurry, since I felt really awkward when some of her parents friends came over. Does she really mean what she's saying? Or is she telling me that it will work because she thinks that is what I want to hear and doesn't want to "hurt me" any more? (I've actually asked her this point blank and she rolls her eyes and tells me of course not) Or does she not know herself? The confusion of the whole thing is killing me but I really want to be with her... So.. she says she'll call and is supposed to come down on a bus next weekend even to go to a wedding with me (one of our friends from college) and wants to see each other regularly, like twice a month on weekends. But... no call last night, which I would have expected, even with her being as forgetful as she is. I've resolved not to call her, and I know I'm reading way deeper into everything than I should be, but it's hard, you know? So it's like we're back to long distance dating if this works out I guess, which is sort of weird anyway. At first we weren't sleeping together but that changed over the course of the month she stayed. And we're still not kissing on the mouth which I find really odd given that she'll sleep with me and kiss me on the neck, but she said (in an emotional crying session once) that it just doesn't feel right yet and that she wants the next kiss to be really, really spectacularly special.. wants it to be significant and special. So okay, I guess.. what can I say to that? Also, to further complicate things, I'm in a situation where I need to pretty much move out of my (our) current place in Jan/Feb timeframe so I guess that's when she'll have to have made a decision by, but in the meantime it's just killer not having her here. Tons of her stuff is still here because (a) we couldn't fit it in the truck, and (b) she says that she'll still be partially living here and wants me to keep our mutual stuff so it'll be easier to move when we find another place anyway. We'd both talked about it (both pre and post trauma) and wanted to move out to the "country" (heh) and buy or rent a modest house, get a dog, do the settling in thing, etc. Which if you'd asked me about it two years ago I'd have said no way but right now feels pretty damn promising. I know that's sort of a jumbled recollection of the whole story, but that's sort of how my brain works now: spatterings of thought here, spatterings there. I'm really weirded out that she didn't call last night.. sort of took that harder than I should have. I'm also really confused about what it is that she wants and feel that I'm screwing things up by asking more questions and trying to actively find out.. But what a mess it is just "taking it one day at a time"... Especially when there are a thousand other things up in the air about your life. This was like the one thing that I thought was relatively stable... A lot of my friends think I'm retarded and that this will never work, but I have to believe it can because I love this girl so damn much. She's everything to me. Oh yeah, our 7 year anniversary is 2 weekends from now too. What do you think? Am I completely retarded here?

But the problem is that I will be there for her always. I could tell myself, or herself that I might not be, but I'd be lying through my teeth. I love this girl to no end, she's been my whole world for six years, regardless of mistakes that have been made (some on my part, no doubt, as well -- especially early in the relationship). I hope Mar is right in that people can do these things and come back for the better. I mean, I pretty much have what I feel is an unbreakable bond with this girl. Even if we didn't continue on as bf/gf we'd always be friends. But I really don't want that, obviously. I guess it's kind of a weird relationship like that, in that all the previous relationships I'd had (granted, they were short-lived things in high school when I was much less mature) we were gf/bf and did gf/bf things and that was it. We weren't "friends" in the true sense, and thereforeeeee things never worked as well. I'm an advocate of the belief that your significant other should be your best friend in the world, and I would never want to spend any long amount of time with a partner that I didn't feel that way about. If this weren't to work out and I were to start dating again at some point in the (far) future, I guess you could say that I'd be at the stage where I'm through with dating people for fun short-term flings, I'm in a place where I want someone I can be happy for a long, long time with. That said, I could totally still want to be with this girl in 20 years (assuming she doesn't break my heart again, of course). It's just that sort of aesthetic between us, we click. Love going to shows with her, listening to music, hanging out at the park, just walking around, going camping, vacationing, etc. I enjoy myself more doing something mundane like sitting around watching tv or making dinner with her than I do going out for a night on the town with friends at this point (maybe I'm just getting old and introverted). But that's what she means to me, you know? Not that I don't still like doing things with friends too, of course. It's just.. she's also my best friend as well as a girlfriend/lover. And I guess that's why I just think it is still meant to be. Right now I feel like I'm missing my other half (she's been away for the week at a friend's wedding) and that feeling looks to be a lot more permanent real soon. Like impending doom, sort of. Got an email from her a little while ago saying she'd be back sometime late tomorrow. Now that she's through with her job I don't know if she'll get right to work packing things in preparation for moving or if she'll hang out for a while (I'm still working, which makes it more difficult).. Not sure which would be better, even. Still kind of secretly hoping she "comes to her senses" and changes her mind about this whole separation thing. I'm at the point now where I'm overanalyzing every little action, searching for truth. I know that's pretty stupid, but having a hard time not doing it! Language is such a poor approximation for emotion, if one could only properly sum up how one feels in words it would be so much better... Anyway, thanks for the advice guys. Got anything else that might help? Will she start moving out immediately when she gets back? If not, what the hell does THAT mean? hehe. Really think she means what she says? I hope so.. wish she wasn't so hard to read. (missingthebears)

The good has always outweighed the bad, and that's why I'm still here, wishing she would change her mind and stay so we could work this out together instead of separating for a while or whatever. Like I said, my biggest fear is that she's just saying what she thinks will make me happy, but I guess that's just normal to suspect the worst after something like this going down. I really want to believe that she can get herself straightened out and that when she does she'll want to be together with me again. I don't know why, at this point, she would still lie to me about things (about not wanting to see anyone else, about never seeing this other guy again and caring nothing for him, about wanting to give us another shot, about how much she loves me, etc). Ughh.. what a mess. Just wish there was some way to show her how I feel about this whole thing. If I could just show her what's in my heart I have no doubt she'd never want to leave and that everything would magically just get better If we do take the break but remain "together" I hope she works everything out, but I'm not sure how being away from me, but living with her parents in the middle of nowhere, unemployed and unable to drive, will help her fix things. She's also my best friend, which makes it all the worse. Oh man, I just want to help this girl and I just want her to be happy. If it's possible, I'd like to be happy as a side-effect of that too (missingthebears)

Thanks, I think that maybe helps a little bit. I know it's hard to believe that you can still love and want to help someone who has cheated and lied to you, and I can't explain it.. I just still love this girl, and (maybe the worst thing of all, or maybe the best depending on how you look at it) I truly believe she is messed up and wants to be better, wants to be with me in the long run. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her and now that I don't have her (or know that I soon won't) it feels like my life is completely falling apart (she was sort of the last thing that seemed to be "going right" at the ripe old age of 25). I dunno, obviously I'm very confused. I definitely have a lot of insecurities, and I'm trying hard to take what she's telling me at face value and believe that the lies and bullsh!t are over, and that what she says is exactly what she means: she needs a break for a while to collect herself and then wants to give it another shot, wants to try it all over again. That she doesn't want to be with anyone else, that she's really never going to see this other guy again and cares nothing for him, that she's not going to ultimately blow me off and drop me or whatever and forget this ever happened, that I'm really (as she once said) the best thing in her life. But no matter how bad things get, how can you want to jettison the best thing in your life, even if you've made some horrible mistakes (assuming that best thing still wants you, which he does). She even cries when she's around sometimes, because she feels like she's hurting me more by being here and being adamant about leaving, and she says she absolutely hates herself. How can you hate yourself so much for something that you're doing voluntary (leaving)? I just wish I could understand her... see inside her head, and be able to help. I mean, I've been with this girl for over six years now, and sure, there have been lots of bad things, but there have also been lots of great things. Otherwise I wouldn't be where I am right now. She's smart, beautiful, extremely warm and loving (most of the time), creative, blah blah blah. I think deep down that she's a great person, but she's really confused. I've tried to get her to go to therapy and even offered to go with her for couples stuff, but she just doesn't want to go, is scared of what they'll tell her, I think. I suspect that she probably has some sort of anxiety disorder, as well as diagnosable depression and maybe some other bad stuff. And it would really help her if she would go, and maybe get on some medication to help regulate it or whatever, as it's helped a lot of my friends who have had similar (albeit diagnosed) problems. It makes it more complicated still that she's my best friend, and I feel like we depend on each other for an awful lot, maybe too much. One of the reasons I'm taking this so hard, no doubt. Without her, I'm just sort of directionless, motivationless. I know, I know: I need to take this as an opportunity to better the other parts of my life, but I feel like that's going to be really hard to do without her, since she was sort of my inspiration and the thing that kept me going every day, kept me smiling in the mornings, etc. It's hard when there is no other immediate place to focus your energies, and you just miss her, all the time. Truth be told, I'd take her back in a second if she only wanted to stay and would be able to honestly tell me that none of this bad stuff would ever happen again. I hope she gets her sh!t worked out, and I hope that she means what she says, but she's so hard to read. And honestly, I'm afraid that even if she was fabricating this, she wouldn't know it. I wish there was a magic word I could say to show her how much she means to me and that this would be easier to work out together if she loves me as much as she claims to, but I guess there just isn't. If she needs her space, I suppose I need to respect that. I just hope she's not making too rash of a decision and will avoid dealing with it by putting it out of her mind and trying to forget any of it ever happened. I hope she really means that we'll have another go and that she'll honestly work towards that with all the might she can muster. I really fear that moving back out there is only going to screw her up worse and that it will never give us the chance to be happy together like we deserve to be That's a huge weight on my shoulders right now, and although I'd like to remove it and just move on or whatever, my heart just won't let me. Even after all this, she's still my everything. I'm not the sort of person who believes everyone has a "soul mate" somewhere in the world, but honestly, I think she's the closest I'm ever going to come to that, and I can't even dream about any other girl. (missingthebears)

This post is kind of long, but please read.. Really need some advice. My girlfriend and I have/had been together for over 6 years, ever since my freshman year in college. It started out as a friendship and then became sort of a long-distance relationship over summers and then we were suddenly living together. We've been living together for over 4 years now. I am completely in love with this girl, despite all her faults. And I've always thought she was the one I'd want to grow old with. She's a great girl, a little screwed-up, but sweet and loving and the only person who has ever really understood me I think sometimes. My best friend, too. We went camping a few weeks ago, and had a great time, and when we came back I was rummaging through some stuff in our closet and ended up finding a few notes from some other guy to her. I confronted her, and found out she had cheated on me! Man, that was like the lowest moment of my life. She was also lying to me about a bunch of other little stupid things, like smoking and stuff, that didn't matter to me, and it turns out she's sort of a self-admitted pathological liar. She lies to everyone about stupid things (and, apparently, not so stupid things). Anyway, she's a pretty screwed-up girl. She's always been pretty depressed but would never go for help, has no direction in life, is in lots of debt and is really really irresponsible. She's sort of self-destructive as well as she always tries to bottle this stuff up instead of dealing with it. She just gets cold and uncommunicative and runs away when there is trouble. It's always been that way. She hadn't told me about a lot of the stupid lies because she thought that I'd hate her if I knew and she didn't want me to ever hate her.. I don't know how this makes any of it any better. She tried to run away as soon as I confronted her and told her no more lies, but I was able to keep her around to talk about it after much struggling. She claims that she hasn't been able to feel really passionate about anything for a while now, not just me but anything in her life at all. According to her, this other guy (who is pretty damn close to being borderline retarded.. makes me feel even dumber) really never meant much of anything to her, and that they were close friends and she "fell" one day because she was miserable and wanted to try to find something that made her feel passion but that it didn't.. and then she got "stuck" and didn't want to hurt his feelings either. Now of course I have no idea if that's a complete lie or not but I don't see why she would continue to fabricate stuff, so I assume she's telling the truth. And knowing her, it makes sense sort of. Once this whole thing went down she said she broke it off with him too and plans to never see him again, and wants to be away from me as well so she can have a chance to get her life back together and stop hating herself. She says she knows what a horrible, miserable person she is and can't stand being who she is and just wants to run away from it all. So her chosen destination is back to her parent's house in the middle of nowehere. She plans on leaving at the end of September but for now we're still living together. Things are awkwardly normal, we hang out just like always and hug and she lays on my lap outside in the sun and whatever, the only differance is we just don't kiss and I'm currently sleeping on the floor (although I have slept in the bed with her since this happened). She claims she still loves me more than anything and would like to give this another shot, that I'm the sort of guy she's like to be with forever, but that for now she's made up her mind and needs to get away for awhile and I shouldn't try to convince her to stay. We've talked about it, and I told her I can forgive her if she admits her mistake and professes her love for me, both of which she's done, but she's still planning on leaving (of course, it still hurts like hell but it hurts more to know that she's leaving). We've even talked about what we currently mean to each other and decided to not "break up" officially but instead be separated for a while and maybe work it back up as a long distance relationship and then go from there.. maybe in a few months, get back together full-time, after she's had a chance to "find herself" and "forgive herself".. but she still wants out for now. I hate what she's done to me and I want to believe she can be better.. because there are so many things I love about this girl (I'm afraid posts like this always focus on the negative, but there are tons of positive things) but I don't see how her leaving right now is going to let us repair this. I'm afraid that by her going back to the safety net of her parent's house (even though she claims she wants us to visit each other every other weekend) we're just going to grow more distant and never have a chance to work this stuff out. And I really think she's the one for me and that I'm the one for her. Plus, I'm even more concerned because the move is just going to make her more miserable and self-loathing since she won't have a job, doesn't have a driver's license, etc and will just have more time to sit around and sulk and call local friends who will all sympathize with her but ultimately have their own lives now, with kids or jobs or whatever. But she doesn't see it that way I guess and there's really nothing more I can say. But I love her anyway, and would do anything for her. My biggest fear is that she's saying all these things about wanting to give it another shot, getting back together in a few months, not seeing anyone else (as part of our agreement to just "separate" since she claims she has no interest in seeing anyone and needs to focus on herself), blah blah blah, just because she thinks that's what I want to hear. And I've confronted her about that as well and she says that no, no more lies, she means it. We talked about what to do with our mutual possessions and says that I should keep the furniture and stuff instead of separating it or selling it, which I try of course to read too much into and think "well maybe she really is serious about another shot". Heh. She told me she loved me unprompted on the phone the other night (she's out of state for the weekend attending a friend's wedding) and then said she would call me last night, and that she missed me really bad. And then she never called on Friday. Not uncharacteristic for her, but I'm just plain confused... I really want to make this work. Is she telling the truth? Would she even know if she wasn't? I think maybe she's even more confused than I am, and she's never been the most level-headed person in the world. But I really do love this girl for everything that she is and everything that she could be. She's faboo Can this work? Any positive tidbits would be good... There are lots of bad stories on here, but there must be a few good ones as well, right? Thanks for taking the time to read this! (missingthebears)

This post is kind of long, but please read.. Really need some advice. My girlfriend and I have/had been together for over 6 years, ever since my freshman year in college. It started out as a friendship and then became sort of a long-distance relationship over summers and then we were suddenly living together. We've been living together for over 4 years now. I am completely in love with this girl, despite all her faults. And I've always thought she was the one I'd want to grow old with. She's a great girl, a little screwed-up, but sweet and loving and the only person who has ever really understood me I think sometimes. My best friend, too. We went camping a few weeks ago, and had a great time, and when we came back I was rummaging through some stuff in our closet and ended up finding a few notes from some other guy to her. I confronted her, and found out she had cheated on me! Man, that was like the lowest moment of my life. She was also lying to me about a bunch of other little stupid things, like smoking and stuff, that didn't matter to me, and it turns out she's sort of a self-admitted pathological liar. She lies to everyone about stupid things (and, apparently, not so stupid things). Anyway, she's a pretty screwed-up girl. She's always been pretty depressed but would never go for help, has no direction in life, is in lots of debt and is really really irresponsible. She's sort of self-destructive as well as she always tries to bottle this stuff up instead of dealing with it. She just gets cold and uncommunicative and runs away when there is trouble. It's always been that way. She hadn't told me about a lot of the stupid lies because she thought that I'd hate her if I knew and she didn't want me to ever hate her.. I don't know how this makes any of it any better. She tried to run away as soon as I confronted her and told her no more lies, but I was able to keep her around to talk about it after much struggling. She claims that she hasn't been able to feel really passionate about anything for a while now, not just me but anything in her life at all. According to her, this other guy (who is pretty damn close to being borderline retarded.. makes me feel even dumber) really never meant much of anything to her, and that they were close friends and she "fell" one day because she was miserable and wanted to try to find something that made her feel passion but that it didn't.. and then she got "stuck" and didn't want to hurt his feelings either. Now of course I have no idea if that's a complete lie or not but I don't see why she would continue to fabricate stuff, so I assume she's telling the truth. And knowing her, it makes sense sort of. Once this whole thing went down she said she broke it off with him too and plans to never see him again, and wants to be away from me as well so she can have a chance to get her life back together and stop hating herself. She says she knows what a horrible, miserable person she is and can't stand being who she is and just wants to run away from it all. So her chosen destination is back to her parent's house in the middle of nowehere. She plans on leaving at the end of September but for now we're still living together. Things are awkwardly normal, we hang out just like always and hug and she lays on my lap outside in the sun and whatever, the only differance is we just don't kiss and I'm currently sleeping on the floor (although I have slept in the bed with her since this happened). She claims she still loves me more than anything and would like to give this another shot, that I'm the sort of guy she's like to be with forever, but that for now she's made up her mind and needs to get away for awhile and I shouldn't try to convince her to stay. We've talked about it, and I told her I can forgive her if she admits her mistake and professes her love for me, both of which she's done, but she's still planning on leaving (of course, it still hurts like hell but it hurts more to know that she's leaving). We've even talked about what we currently mean to each other and decided to not "break up" officially but instead be separated for a while and maybe work it back up as a long distance relationship and then go from there.. maybe in a few months, get back together full-time, after she's had a chance to "find herself" and "forgive herself".. but she still wants out for now. I hate what she's done to me and I want to believe she can be better.. because there are so many things I love about this girl (I'm afraid posts like this always focus on the negative, but there are tons of positive things) but I don't see how her leaving right now is going to let us repair this. I'm afraid that by her going back to the safety net of her parent's house (even though she claims she wants us to visit each other every other weekend) we're just going to grow more distant and never have a chance to work this stuff out. And I really think she's the one for me and that I'm the one for her. Plus, I'm even more concerned because the move is just going to make her more miserable and self-loathing since she won't have a job, doesn't have a driver's license, etc and will just have more time to sit around and sulk and call local friends who will all sympathize with her but ultimately have their own lives now, with kids or jobs or whatever. But she doesn't see it that way I guess and there's really nothing more I can say. But I love her anyway, and would do anything for her. My biggest fear is that she's saying all these things about wanting to give it another shot, getting back together in a few months, not seeing anyone else (as part of our agreement to just "separate" since she claims she has no interest in seeing anyone and needs to focus on herself), blah blah blah, just because she thinks that's what I want to hear. And I've confronted her about that as well and she says that no, no more lies, she means it. We talked about what to do with our mutual possessions and says that I should keep the furniture and stuff instead of separating it or selling it, which I try of course to read too much into and think "well maybe she really is serious about another shot". Heh. She told me she loved me unprompted on the phone the other night (she's out of state for the weekend attending a friend's wedding) and then said she would call me last night, and that she missed me really bad. And then she never called on Friday. Not uncharacteristic for her, but I'm just plain confused... I really want to make this work. Is she telling the truth? Would she even know if she wasn't? I think maybe she's even more confused than I am, and she's never been the most level-headed person in the world. But I really do love this girl for everything that she is and everything that she could be. She's faboo Can this work? Any positive tidbits would be good... There are lots of bad stories on here, but there must be a few good ones as well, right? Thanks for taking the time to read this! (missingthebears)

Thanks for the kind words. I really hope this works out. I love this stupid girl so much sometimes I don't even know why. She's done some really horrible things to me, but I just can't help it I guess... She says she still loves me so it's impossible for me to just give up hope. I'd do anything for this to work out, because I have absolutely no interest in even looking for anyone else -- she's what I want, and has been my whole life for our last 6+ years together. What I don't get is if she does indeed love me so much why not give it another shot now instead of later, why be so adamant about moving back to her parent's house immediately and putting distance between us. It's confusing because she says she wants us to visit every couple weeks anyway. Her parent's house, btw, is a tiny place in the middle of nowhere and she can't drive and in my opinion the whole thing will only make her more miserable, more depressed, and more self-loathing (which seems to be a big part of the problem, she thinks she's a really bad person). I need to show her how much I care and how she means more to me than my own life, even. I just want her to be happy, but I can't see how this is going to help. On the other hand, maybe space is good.. I don't know... Maybe we'll end up back together in 6 months and more in love than ever. But I'm a pessimist so I'm just naturally scared I guess. I've always been bad at reading her, but she's a difficult person to read because she never confronts anything, she just bottles it all up and once in a while it comes out in the form of lots of crying without explanation... Oh man, I need help. I'm lost without this girl and I fear that she might be even more lost without me (missingthebears)

So.. It's been awhile since I've posted anything, but you can check out the background to my story [link removed . My (ex?-)girlfriend and I are back living together again for a while, until the end of the month, when she still plans to leave and go back to live with her parents for the indefinite future. Actually, she's out of town for a few days right now at a friend's wedding, but will be returning afterwards. She's finished up at her job and has told me she's going to start packing things when she returns. So that's weird, and kind of sucks. But... things between us have been sort of awkwardly normal. We're getting along pretty good as "afffectionate" friends (although there is the occaisional moment or two), and have been hanging out a lot, just having fun. The other night we were outside, her laying on me, talking about what we meant to each other, how we would describe our current relationship to other people (sort of joking about it) and neither of us really wanted to refer to the other as an ex- but at the same time we're not "really together" either. We still both fess up to loving each other a lot, and have been trying hard not to cross the line but end up napping cuddled up together and stuff sometimes, etc. I love her so much, even after all she's done to me. And she says the same, although I wonder sometimes if she's saying it because she really does or because she thinks that's what I want to hear... I don't know, she's a strange girl but I guess for me to have anxieties like this is normal so I'm not going to think too hard about it and just try to accept it at face value Anyway, after talking about this we decided that we're going to treat the next few months as a separation period rather than an absolute break-up, not see anyone else, etc and see how it goes from there. Re-evaluate when we've both had time to put our heads back together (more her than me, it seems). Maybe do a long-distance relationship for a while if we still feel good about this a few months from now, and well, you know, just take it as it comes... I can totally still see myself with her in 20 years, and she's as much as said the same thing about me. So I feel good about this, but I don't want to fool myself or do something to end up hurting myself more. I really want this to work and we've both talked about visiting each other like every other weekend once we're settled. Is this healthy? A lot of people might say it's not, but I really think we deserve another shot at it together if we both feel right about it, and I have to follow my heart I guess. You know? I don't think this is just separation anxiety or a fear of being apart, I really really love even the tiniest things about her and can't imagine finding anyone else or even wanting to see anyone else. She's far from perfect, no doubt, but perfect is boring. She says she needs the time apart still to put her life back together, try to stop hating herself, figure out what she wants both in (our?) relationship as well as the other pieces of her life that are currently lacking meaning or direction. And I think that might actually be okay, I could use some time to clear my head too and there are a lot of things that I can concentrate on in the meantime. Going to move out of the city and get a place with some friends if all works out, but everything is still tentative there, which is kind of worrisome (I worry about her too, since I don't think her moving home to her parent's safety net will help anything). On the other hand, the very thought of her leaving and us having to separate (even temporarily) our mutual belongings is heart-wrenching. We talked about it briefly, and she told me I should keep our furniture and stuff, since her folks have no place for it and she wants me to have that stuff for now. Is this because she honestly thinks we'll be back together in a few months? A good sign? I'm trying to read waaaay too much into everything, I know. But I am hopeful. Does this sort of thing ever work out? Any comments or suggestions are welcome! Thanks. missingthebears

Sounds eerily familiar. My girlfriend and I are back to talking and seeing each other socially again, but just as "friends" I guess for the moment, until end of August when she leaves the area to go back home. It's killing me, because I want another chance and I have this limited time window to change her mind in, if I can at all, and make her see why I love her so much and that it's worthwhile to save this. When I propose moving away and starting over somewhere different, she says the same thing as your girl. She's afraid that she's going to hurt me again, or that she's not good enough for me, and that she doesn't know who she is and doesn't like who she thinks she is and what she's done to me. But she claims she still loves me and starts crying whenever anything reminds her of us or she thinks about it too hard. Man, I just need her to understand why I love her so much and I truly think we could be happy again. It sucks, and I have no idea how to pull this off. Sorry, end of tangent. To answer your question about driving out there, that's a tough one. On one hand it could be the boost that she needs to realize how much you love her (depending on the type of girl she is) or on the other, it could backfire horribly and you can have driven 4 hours only to find out that she's already made up her mind, and that would suck terribly. (missingthebears)

Well at least you know she wants to try, which is the most important thing. Sometimes people just need time apart to sort some things out. The great thing is that she acknowledges this but wants to maintain communication throughout, and ultimately wants to be with you. Be thankful you have at least that. My live-in girlfriend of 6 years wants to call it off completely because she needs "time to find herself". If she had even proposed just moving out for a while or a sort of "trial separation" while maintaining the relationship and communication, I'd be psyched. So.. just be good and make sure she knows how you feel and hopefully everything will work itself out.

I keep swinging back and forth, like one moment, I realize that maybe this is best and start thinking about how to move on. And then the next, my eyes snap open and I realize that this girl has been everything to me, my entire frigging life, for over 6 years, and I have no idea how to do that. I woke up in that latter mode this morning. It's hell staring at our mutually owned possessions and thinking "do we sell that and split the proceeds?" "who takes it?" etc. I don't want to have to do this, and I still love her madly. I just don't know why she doesn't understand, won't endeavor further to fix it like I'm willing to (and you'd think I would be the bitter one, with her having cheated and all). Love conquers all, right? She's my best friend, my girlfriend, my shoulder to lean on, my shield from the evils of the world, my everything. And it means too much to me to let go, all the good stuff we've been through. All the happy times, the little quirks between us that make us who we are. For something as stupid as this. I don't want to move on to somewhere else where I have another crappy job, another crappy little tomb-like apartment, another batch of similarly depressed and directionless friends that almost rival my life state... And especially, not without the one thing that has kept me sane and together all along -- her. And the concept of finding another her? I'll never find another her. Sure, she's flawed (we all are), but she's wonderful. She makes me happy, which is unique, because she's the only person, the only thing at all, that's really ever been able to do that for me. I had pictured growing old with her... So maybe I'm being selfish, but I need her to see how important it is to try again, if she loves me as much as she says she does (and she seems to). Why can't I knock down that wall? She says she just can't give it another go, move somewhere else with me because we'd get there, she'd still be miserable with herself, but would convince herself that she was happy, and just stay and secretly be miserable and everything would start over again, without her even being able to control it. I don't believe that, I believe she can be better, and I don't believe she's making excuses when she says that. I think she actually believes it, believes that she'll hurt me again, and that she'll continue to hurt herself by feeling horrible about that. But like I said, I don't believe it. I think people who love each other enough can make it through anything, and it's clear that we love each other enough. The question is just how to make her see, realize that our love is strong enough to overcome it all... Damn. Meanwhile, the moments towards the end of August tick away, and I'm no closer to having much of an idea about how to get our mutual life sorted out, or where I'm going either way. The thing is, if I do somehow get a second chance and can move on *with* her, it suddenly doesn't matter where I'm going or how directionless I am, I know it would be okay. We could move to some random apartment in some random city (or some random town/village for that matter), and I'd find work and be able to be happy. Without her, I have no such reassurances, and everything falls apart. A messy morning indeed. Thanks as always. (missingthebears)

Well it seems we're definitely going to be able to at least be friends, which is good. But things are weird nonetheless. She was over here earlier tonight and we went out to dinner again at one of our favorite restaurants and had a bottle of wine, etc and everything was good, but it's just odd because there's like something missing. Something we're both trying hard to avoid talking about or seeing in the other's eyes. We both acknowledge that there are tons of feelings still there and she's quite visibly fighting like mad not to give in to them. Every once in a while, if we hug or hold hands or something (weird, yes) she just tears up and loses it. After dinner we came back here, did some laundry, and watched anime for awhile. Almost fell asleep together like old times. Every time I look at her I'm reminded that I'll never find anyone else quite like this, regardless of the problems we've had. Tugs at the heartstrings real good. I took her back over to her friend's place just a few minutes ago and she seemed reluctant but determined not to stay. We've talked about her moving back in for the remainder of the month before she departs for her parent's place and she definitely wants to do that probably starting tomorrow night. That's going to be sort of awkward, with me sleeping on the couch and all, but better, I think, than just seeing her once in a while when she comes to pick stuff up. Sort of dangerous though, maybe. I'm tentatively planning on terminating our lease and being out of town the same time as she is leaving (one way or another) because I just can't take it without her here, but I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's crazy scary. First time in my life I've been completely directionless. Not sure if she'll eventually decide that this is worth the second chance and leave with me instead of at the same time as me by the end of August or not. She seems determind to stick to her guns on this, but I'd love to be able to help her change her mind and give us another shot, just no idea how to do that without pushing too hard and scaring her off (which would jeopardize the friendship I would imagine, and that's more important than anything to me). Man, this is some weird stuff. But at least tonight has been better than yesterday was. Thanks everyone, for your supportive words. (missingthebears)

Thanks for the response. That's what I want to do, and what I've tried doing. I wrote her a huge letter saying all this stuff the other day and read it to her aloud. And she cried and told me she loved me, but that she had to stick to her decision. She's the type of person who runs instead of confronting problems, and I'm scared that if I push too hard, try to hard to express how I feel, that she'll just run faster, farther. I need her to understand what she means to me. These things happen, but if you love someone enough I feel strongly that you can work through anything. And I love her that much. I'm miserable, and I think she is miserable too. And I don't understand how retreating to her childhood safety net is going to make anything any better for her, or for me. I miss her already.

I feel sort of silly posting this here, but hopefully someone can help. I'm really confused, not sure exactly what to do, but my heart aches a lot and I can't do much of anything lately. I need to get her back. So here's the deal: My live-in girlfriend of over 6 years and I just broke up a few days ago. It was the day after we returned from a long weekend of camping together and we had had a great time (both of us). But the morning after we got back I was searching for a bag to stuff some things in for work (it was raining out), and I stumbled accross a couple notes someone had written to her that she had saved. Bad stuff. Apparently she had cheated on me with some other guy. I was obviously devastated. But I love this woman more than anything, and I resolved that we'd talk about it that night and we'd find a way to work things out, unless she didn't want to (my biggest fear). So I picked her up after work and confronted her, told her I wasn't mad but just didn't understand and that I wanted to talk about it. She cried a lot and admitted she'd cheated, and that she was ending it because we had resolved a few weeks back to concentrate more on our relationship together when I sort of pseudo-proposed to her and she said she wasn't ready. I guess it made her feel really sad and bad about herself more than anything. She said (and I believe her) that she didn't even care about the other guy, but it was just that she was unhappy with her life in general and was trying to find out if she could be passionate about stuff again. Our relationship has always been a friendship first and lately the passion has suffered a little because of it. We used to be passionate all the time but for the past few months (before this other thing even started) she'd just been very depressed. Regardless, we were still (and still are) very much in love and she's also my best friend. The things I miss the most right now are sleeping next to her, kissing the back of her neck in the morning, the playful fights we used to get into, just chilling out and watching television together or getting take-out. The simple things, the things that make a relationship the most important thing in your life, that make everything else bad okay. We talked and talked and talked, and she said she wanted to break up. Not because she didn't love me (which she insists she does very much) but because she felt that she was bad for me (she has sort of been a compulsive liar about stupid little things that I don't even care about over the years too, smoking being the most obvious example) and she needed time to find herself and dig herself out of this pit of self-depression. So she's sort of moved out to a friends house, is planning on finishing out a couple weeks at work, and then moving out for good and going back to her parent's place a couple hundred miles away. I'm really messed up about this. I've professed my love for her, told her that I can look past all this, and that our future is way more important than any of this crap. I am in love with her and need her very much. Living in the midst of all of our mutual possessions is tearing me apart while she's gone. We went out to get dinner together and talk the other night and both cried a lot and she said she would consider moving back in and remaining friends until she departs but I can't convince her that our relationship is worth saving. I don't feel like I can live without her, and I know in my heart that this is worth fighting for, worth dying for. This girl is my entire life, and the one thing that I felt was relatively stable and going well for me. Without her, it's all a huge mess and I'm miserable with my directionless life. We'd been saving to buy a house together, talked about getting a dog, etc, etc. I want to make her happy, and I do make her happy a lot, but not enough I guess? We had been planning on picking up and leaving this area for some place different by the Fall, together, to just escape some of the things that were making us unhappy, but I don't even want to think about moving on without her. She said that her plan had been to end this affair she was having and move on with me and just forget about everything else except for how much she loved me, but now that I've found evidence and knew for sure about it (I had already suspected), she couldn't do that. I don't understand what has changed, except for now she has to face the fact that I know for sure. But I'm willing to move on, look past this. How can I make her see how much she means to me and how it's worth trying again? Thanks for any advice that can be given. I don't know where else to turn, and this is a somewhat desperate attempt, but I need my girlfriend in my life again. (missingthebears)