massive age difference

[daveUK]

Hello all, i am new to the site so pls take it easy on me,

In a nut shell i will tell you whats going on in my life, I fell inlove with a woman, i am 30 years old and when i say inlove i mean head over heals anyway, i found out later in the relationship as in 3 mths that she was not the age she said she was, she is only 17{18 in 4 mths} but what i feal for her is something i have never had or felt before, i know its going to be hard making it work and last cos of the age but willing to try because of what i feal, anyway, Do you think its just to massive of an age gap to bridge?

 

just to add> she does love me the same way i love her. or should i say she says she does!!!!

[sukerbut]

my man take it from me the master of dating chicks ten yrs younger then me you are setting yourself for some major heartache....at 21 or 23 you still dont have a chance at 17..she is going to break your heart...but its always worth a try good luck and please dont give to much of your heart

[avman]

She's already lied to you in the first steps of the relationship. That doesn't set a good precedent.

 

And at 17 I doubt she loves you the same way that you love her. She just doesn't have the experience to know that yet.

 

Tread carefully. Don't rush into this. Or as sukerbut said you are setting yourself up for some major heartbreak.

[Kevin T]

Well, there is a matter of a (possible) maturity difference between you two. If it is small or nonexistent, then I see no reason why you should not be with her. However, if it is large, then that could cause future problems. One thing though: If she lied to you about her age, that COULD be a problem. You don't want to date a liar, right?

 

See, I can't tell you not to date her (even if it might be a bad idea) because I would do the same if I were your age (although I would be concerned about the lying part). But, I can't tell you not to do something if I would do it. It's not "do as I say, not as I do", so I can only say that if the two of you have a small gap in maturity (which is certainly possible, albeit, rare), then God bless you. But make sure she's not lying to you about others things, too.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

There's a few factors to consider. How old did she say she was? If she said she's 18 or 19 and she's really 17, it's a lot different than saying she was 35. Did she lie about her age for a good reason; such as she didn't want to scare you off? If she lied for a bad reason, she probably lied about other things, as well. 12 years is a big age gap, but not impossible to work around. Your main concern should be that you can't do "anything" until she's of legal age (unless UK laws are different). 17 you say? Does she still live with her parents? Is she mature? Can YOU handle staying with her knowing that she lied? If so, then I don't see a reason not to pursue it. Just be careful for 4 more months.

[daveUK]

Must add about her saying she was older, she didnt just do it to me .it was to get a job, no iam not her Boss or anything .. just someone that works for the same company.she said she was 18 close to 19.she is very mature, some frends and Fam would say she was more like 24 plus ,but are they saying that to keep me happy ??????

[Kevin T]

Hmm, it's still a matter of ethics. If someone can lie to someone about one thing, they could well do it to another for a different reason.

[daveUK]

There's a few factors to consider. How old did she say she was? If she said she's 18 or 19 and she's really 17' date=' it's a lot different than saying she was 35. Did she lie about her age for a good reason; such as she didn't want to scare you off? If she lied for a bad reason, she probably lied about other things, as well. 12 years is a big age gap, but not impossible to work around. Your main concern should be that you can't do "anything" until she's of legal age (unless UK laws are different). 17 you say? Does she still live with her parents? Is she mature? Can YOU handle staying with her knowing that she lied? If so, then I don't see a reason not to pursue it. Just be careful for 4 more months.[/quote']

There are no prob in the UK about the Age its legal if there was i would not evan be thinking about it, i feal like a bit of a perv at the min if the law was against me there would be no chance.

[itsallgrand]

haha. Well, in 4 months she will be 18, so that would be legal right?

 

As for the lying, it was fairly minor. Still, she wanted you to believe she was of age for a relationship ....which she is not. That would make me a bit leery. That's an immature move right there.

 

I don't have much raahraah for situations like this. It's your choice. Obviously though, there will be complications.

 

I think to when I was 17-18. I was mature *girls mature faster*. Still, the notions in the head of a girl that age are very different from what you may believe. She's still a girl.

 

good luck

[tylercdurden2004]

haha. Well, in 4 months she will be 18, so that would be legal right?

 

As for the lying, it was fairly minor. Still, she wanted you to believe she was of age for a relationship ....which she is not. That would make me a bit leery. That's an immature move right there.

 

I don't have much raahraah for situations like this. It's your choice. Obviously though, there will be complications.

 

I think to when I was 17-18. I was mature *girls mature faster*. Still, the notions in the head of a girl that age are very different from what you may believe. She's still a girl.

 

good luck

 

Do girls really mature faster?

 

I thin at 17 she still has a lot of stuff to sort out in life and a lot to learn. I would be leery of the mid-20's crisis where she tells you she loves you but needs to find herself.

[Kevin T]

Girls DO mature faster than boys. It's a fact.

 

And not all girls in their early twenties do that, although I suspect you are speaking from experience, yes?

[itsallgrand]

haha that's funny. I'm going through my crisis right now, but luckily no one has to bear the brunt any longer.

Flying high..over and out.

[melrich]

I don't think there is anything unworkable about the age gap per se and i think her lie can probably be put down to a minor indiscretion.

 

But you need to be careful about committing yourself too heavily, investing yourself too much. Often at the age that she is at people tend to fall in and out of love much more readily and more quickly than they do at your age.

 

Be circumspect and don't get surprised.

[Daddy Bear]

what is with this worldwide 'age gap relationship' bias?

 

dave, don't expect her to be there when you die, but if you're both attracted to each other and if there aren't any legal problems, enjoy the hell out of it while you can.

 

and if every female who ever lied about her age suddenly vanished from the earth, it would sure be a much lonelier place.

 

or so i've heard.

[YankeeGirl02]

I think you should go for it, for a few reasons.

 

1. You said you love her

2. She's of legal age (in the UK, at least)

3. Sure, you may eventually be heartbroken, but you CAN'T make a decision now based on how the future may or may not be. Maybe she'll go through a "finding herself" stage. Maybe you two will be crazy in love and get married. You can't tell until you try.

 

My aunt was 14 when she met my uncle. He was 20. They dated when she was 16, and guess what? They've been married 45 years. She never went through a "mid 20s crisis", and the difference in age never once stopped their love.

 

It all depends on the people and maturity involved. If you feel strongly about her, I say persue it.

[truthbetold]

I would say go for it. 12 yrs is not that big of an age gap. My age gap is 10 yrs. My boyfriend is turning 30 in May. He was warned a million times when we started going out that I might reach an age where I need to find myself or w/e. But even though it's still something that could happen, that's no reason for me not to be in a relationship with him now. I do love him, he means the world to me, and I can't even imagine leaving him due to some mid 20's crisis lol.

 

Anyways, I would just say if she's of legal age, go for it, I mean what's there to lose if she likes you and you like her? The age thing isn't really a big deal, I've never personally lied about my own age, but for my own self esteem issues I never told my boyfriend I was a virgin, because I thought it would scare him off, or make him take advantage of me. Eventually I came out with it, and he was upset but he could understand my reasoning. If you can understand her motivation, that should be a good justification for continuing your relationship.

[Tesseract_Witch]

And at 17 I doubt she loves you the same way that you love her. She just doesn't have the experience to know that yet.

 

 

 

Does youth really affect your emotions THAT greatly? The way one feels is not something that requires calculations to interpret; one knows how one feels--perhaps at a young age, not knowing why--but nonetheless, it is very much understood. What this young girl may not realize is if she "has the experience" to know whether she is ready to love someone as deeply as you; the difference: if she is prepared to endure the consequences of her emotions. There is no question as to how she feels, but how she will take responsibility for her feelings.

[melrich]

Does youth really affect your emotions THAT greatly?

 

Yes it does. Or more correctly experience does and at 17 it is very unlikely that she has had the experience with relationships to understand the depth or otherwise of her feelings.

 

Make no mistake, I've never heard anyone say anything different, how you feel love as a teenager is not the same as how you feel love as an adult with some relationship experience.

[Daddy Bear]

Make no mistake, I've never heard anyone say anything different, how you feel love as a teenager is not the same as how you feel love as an adult with some relationship experience.

i tremble at the thought of disagreeing with a supermod, but i believe that some teens ARE adults. conversely, some who are way past their teens do not have the aforementioned experience that it takes to make rational relationship decisions, but get a pass from most people anyway, simply by virtue of their biological age.

 

please don't kill me, Melrich.

[melrich]

i tremble at the thought of disagreeing with a supermod

 

LOL...you are indeed brave, if foolish, slightlybent. But I am in a generous mood and have decided not to strike you from this earth this very day!

 

Yeah, there always exceptions that prove the rule. But as a general statement, our behaviours are shaped by our experiences (touch hot kettle....don't touch it again) and MOST people, once they have had experiences with a few relationships get over that "give way completely to your emotions in the first 24 hours phase" and are more likely to apply a degree of objectivity to any relationship they go in to.

 

Oh and I totally agree with you...it is not an age thing it is an experience thing but I think that is what Avman meant in his original post. And by experience I would be talking about a couple of longer term relationships.

[tylercdurden2004]

LOL...you are indeed brave, if foolish, slightlybent. But I am in a generous mood and have decided not to strike you from this earth this very day!

 

Yeah, there always exceptions that prove the rule. But as a general statement, our behaviours are shaped by our experiences (touch hot kettle....don't touch it again) and MOST people, once they have had experiences with a few relationships get over that "give way completely to your emotions in the first 24 hours phase" and are more likely to apply a degree of objectivity to any relationship they go in to.

 

Oh and I totally agree with you...it is not an age thing it is an experience thing but I think that is what Avman meant in his original post. And by experience I would be talking about a couple of longer term relationships.

 

And equally important is experience on many fronts. At 17 there are still many changes in terms of what one wants in life, and although there are exceptions to the rule its fairly safe to say most 17 year olds will feel very different about life and love than when they are 30.

[melrich]

And equally important is experience on many fronts. At 17 there are still many changes in terms of what one wants in life, and although there are exceptions to the rule its fairly safe to say most 17 year olds will feel very different about life and love than when they are 30.

 

Yeah, I really feel like that is a fair statement to make. As much as you often hear the "mature for my age" line, the simple fact is the young age limits the experience and depth of experience you are able to have.

[daveUK]

Just got up and OMG thanks for all the input, will read over them all after work. Again, thankyou all very much

[Daddy Bear]

As much as you often hear the "mature for my age" line, the simple fact is the young age limits the experience and depth of experience you are able to have.

indisputably so, on the grand scale; however, that may be of limited relevance to the subject at hand. the question here should be whether or not she and dave are compatible enough to make a go at it. he clearly seems to believe that they are, and i have seen no convincing argument to the contrary. do i think they'll be together in fifty years? well, no. should they let that prevent them from pursuing a relationship? hell, no.

[avman]

what is with this worldwide 'age gap relationship' bias?

 

It's not an age gap relationship bias. This is simply commenting on the fact that she is 17. That's the real key here. If there was still a 12 year age gap but she was 28 and he was 40 it would be different. But the younger the person on the low end of the age gap, the more likely there are going to be issues in the relationship.

 

Could it work? Well yes, it might. But the chances are slim and thats what we are preparing him for. My caution comes from the OPs comments about how deeply in love he is with this girl. It is beyond casual dating or a slow moving relationship.