What do you do if...

[Venturer]

...you go for sex with your gf/wife and she goes, "not now, I'm too tired" or "not tonight, I don't want to" ??

 

I've been in that place before, and it sucks. Needless to say, I didn't handle it well.

 

Thoughts?

 

(if you're a woman reading this, just flip the "gf/wife" around to "bf/husband")

[Goodfun88]

I'd be disappointed. But you know sometimes people are not in the mood. You can't force anyone to have sex. But if it was all the time, you may need to address the problem at a later time when you can both have an open conversation about it. It can definitely hurt the ego though if your significant other doesn't want to have sex with you!

[heavensent]

Okay, well from a woman's perspective... How are you making the move to initiate sex? Are you slowly sensually giving her a massage and then kissing her back and then carrassing her? Sometimes when I women is tired you need to initiate sex in a very soft non-aggressive way. (At least that works for me.) However, if she still doesn't want to have sex, don't get MAD at her. I hated that. It makes her feel like all you want her for is sex and that hurts, it just makes her less likely to want to the next night. Surprise her and simply say "Okay, I understand, but get lots of rest tonight because I'm taking you tomorrow" in a sexual teasing way. I'm sure that she will be up for it the next day. It's all in your reaction.

[BellaDonna]

People do get tired. I would say, try not to wait until the end of the day to have sex. Try next time, for a moment when the person is wide awake - like when taking a shower etc. You can't sleep then.

 

If you find rejection is common- you might want to have a discussion about it. It might run deeper than just "being tired". It could mean she's bored, doesn't feel sexy, soemthing is bothering her etc. If someone is depressed it can lower their sex drive as well. If you ask her if something is wrong, in a gentle and caring way, it will make her feel closer and more connected to you in general. You'll probably get good results. If you ask in a nagging way, it will likely create more distance.

 

 

BellaDonna

[spunkmaster]

my BF gets like that sometimes (He teases me all the time and says he's old and can't compete with my sex drive anymore...but he's only 27) But I understand that he works all day, comes home and just wants to relax sometimes. Other times, if he says he doesn't want to...I just seduce him!

Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Just reassure your SO it's ok, and do something nice for them anyways, like a back rub or a steamy make out session!

[Venturer]

A couple of things:

 

1) Sorry I wasn't clear in my first post. I'm talking about a repeat scenario, as opposed to a one-time thing. One time? I'll let it slide. But three or four times in a row? I'm thinking something is not right here.

 

2) Nobody is forcing anybody to have sex. Doing that would make things far far worse than things already may be.

 

Other than that, I like the suggestions brought up here. Keep them coming!

 

By the way, this was a general question - I don't have a gf right now. But in the time that happened to me before, I got a little hurt and miffed when she turned me down for the third time in a row... and it probably showed. I tried to get her to talk about what's wrong, and she refused to say what's the problem.

[TiredMan]

People get tired for various reasons. But if you are with a woman who you have to pretty much initiate sex with almost all the time, then you have to decide if you are willing to accept that.

 

I personally would leave because I don't believe a woman is a queen where I have to jump through hoops for her.

[heavensent]

I like when my husband initiates sex right when I get home from work. I am still awake and up and about. After I have made dinner, and started to relax and watch my tv shows, I'm less likely to be in the mood to go at it. So, try to do it early not when you're all ready for bed she thinks it's SLEEP time.

[Day_Walker]

I would keep it in mind as being a sign of sexual incompatibility and if it continues then its possible that the two of you arent the best match for eachother and move on.

Also as mentioned earlier when problems like this come up typically there is something deeper, so if they arent willing to address this problem then its also another sign of that person not being the one for you.

[Dako]

If you get into a longterm relationship, you may discover both sides of that coin as life and nature mess with your libidos and energy levels.

It's an eye opener to have the itch shift back and forth.

 

Oh, sure, your urge will never change and you'll never be too stressed or exhausted to be up and ready all the time. Uh-huh.

[CharLit]

A couple of things:

 

1) Sorry I wasn't clear in my first post. I'm talking about a repeat scenario, as opposed to a one-time thing. One time? I'll let it slide. But three or four times in a row? I'm thinking something is not right here.

 

I agree with the other posters that if it's a structural thing you might have a problem that needs to be worked out, or your gf might be depressed or something like that, but at three or four times in a row my first thought would be that she (or he in my case) is feeling a bit under the weather, or is stressed out at work, or something like that. I'd take extra good care of him in other areas of life and wait for him to come to me when he's ready for sex again.

 

My boyfriend occasionally has to work really long days for a couple of weeks in a row, and during those times we rarely have sex. It used to bother me because I thought I was doing something wrong or he didn't find me attractive anymore, but now I recognise the pattern and know he's just tired, that we'll be having plenty of sex again when things have calmed down at work, and I appreciate the ultra-cuddling we do in stead. (and take care of myself when he's not around, heheheh

 

What happened in your situation venturer? DId things go back to normal or was that the beginning of the end?

[Venturer]

What happened in your situation venturer? DId things go back to normal or was that the beginning of the end?

Well, that was a couple of years ago. As far as I can remember, we'd been dating for a month when she went out of town for a few days. Up until that point, no problems in the sex department. But when she came back, we stopped having sex because she wouldn't accept my advances. First time, I let it slide.

 

But it happened like 3 more times, she kept saying "I'm tired" or "I don't want to." Even when she wasn't visibly tired. I asked her a couple of times over about a week, "is something wrong? you can talk to me about it..." and she said "nothing." So next time I tried to initate and she stopped me, I asked her what was going on and said that lately she didn't want to have sex and that made me think that something was up. Instead of telling me what was going on, she got all defensive and said "just because you want sex doesn't mean you can have it!" It went downhill from there and I eventually broke up with her. So it was the beginning of the end.

 

Even now I still don't have a clear idea why she stopped having sex with me.

[xprincessbugx]

It really frustrates me when my boyfriend does this to me and I want to have sex but I've done it to him before too and sometime I'm just not in the mood and don't feel like it. Don't get mad about it it's not a big deal. If she goes months without having sex or being affectionate with you then you may worry. I don't really see a problem in her saying that to you though.

[shyanne]

...you go for sex with your gf/wife and she goes, "not now, I'm too tired" or "not tonight, I don't want to" ??

 

I've been in that place before, and it sucks. Needless to say, I didn't handle it well.

 

Thoughts?

 

(if you're a woman reading this, just flip the "gf/wife" around to "bf/husband")

did i write this? i don't even bother trying anymore.. haven't in a very long time but that was once my life story.

[Venturer]

Wow, it's hard for me to believe that even GUYS would do this to their gfs and wives.

 

Me? Personally, I can't IMAGINE myself turning down sex with my gf/wife for more than two days! It's anathema!

[pumkin_fairy]

nobody will want to have sex constantly (well i would be surprised if they did) .. you just have to deal with it.... just kiss her/him goodnight and go to sleep.. nothing else you can do really.. can't force people to have sex that my friends is called rape... and is frowned upon in most societies (thank goodness)

 

jen

 

xxxxxxx

[Venturer]

As I've made clear before, nobody is forcing anyone to have sex... and personally, I am not recommending nor seeking any action that would be frowned upon by any society that has any common sense.