I'm such a lie

[Daddy Bear]

I thought my parents were idiots and knew nothing. It wasn't until I had teens of my own that It all came together why my parents did the things they did..

you are very fortunate, doyathink. some parents really are idiots. i consider myself lucky that one of mine is not. for the record, they are both well over 150 IQ, and yes, i have raised teens of my own.

[blueangel]

It's coming and going. It's like I have a voice- but only an intellectual one. It's been so long that now I really have to explore myself to get to raw emotion. Yet, when I do talk about it, a lot comes up. It's just- I don't get to talk about it, share my life... I'm stiff and uncomfortable and ugly and my eyes are empty when I walk down the hall.

 

I have no idea what to say. It's like a part of my brain is being silenced. Everything's silent inside me yet at the same time, I'm screaming. I 'm at the eye of the storm. I know I can change to help myself but I've found I simply don't want to yet. I still want to rely on people before my life gets hard and I can't. I don't want to feel the helplessness that comes with pulling out that type of strength. I want someone by me- even if we don't talk... at first, I know I wont. Not like I used to. But eventually I'll talk with them more and more. Sometimes the only way I can talk to people is to imagine I'm an angel there so I don't feel the struggle to belong and so, rather influence them with love- acting innocent and unashamed. I can't do that anymore. I don't want to. I'm too tired to try to speak anymore. It's like I had so much in me and now in my reality...

 

I'm frozen

[blueangel]

LOL you know what I think this is? I think I need a boyfriend.

[blueangel]

Here's an email I sent to my guidance counselour. Tell me what you think:

 

I'm not really sure what to say here. All I know is that I'm better in writing... and I don't have the time anymore to come down to your office because I'm a little behind on my grades. Losing class time is difficult.

 

But... I just kind of wanted somewhere to go with these feelings I have. I'm not sure if they're really feelings... I've sort of become- not numb inside but silent. I'm confused about what steps to take next. All of my thoughts are only expressed through intellectual means when I feel the time is appropriate or other time silly ways... but I cant access my feelings. It's like suddenly there's a wall there in my head. The nature of who I am has changed. I cry when I do get to talk about stuff with others (as you know) but for now, I remain in the eye of the storm because there's no one there to talk to. Nothing's happening. I'm not doing anything. I don't know what to do with myself. I have so many goals in my head that deal with how to take care of other people- a former stepbrother of mine, cousins and kids at the camp I counselour for, but I just have nothing to do with myself.

 

I used to have hope that once I tried more with my parents in revealing myself, they'd follow through and I'd be okay and comforted. In my head, I decided to put that off because I didn't feel ready for the helplessness (or vulnerability) that comes with pulling out that type of strength.

 

So recently I tried and nothing changed. My parent's view me as immature, sneaky with an attitude but that is nothing like me. NOTHING. They think I'm blaming them or I just want more attention or they say things like, "That's life. It don't change from here." I feel very misunderstood by EVERYONE. It's like I'm finding out people really do only see me a certain way- at least the ones that should care about me. Is it my fault? Has my isolation within myself really caused me to turn out so "weird"?

 

A lot of this has to do with Brandi and Tiffani. I miss them both... but treated them like crap (I think- I never used to think that. I gave them a lot but anymore I secondguess myself so maybe I did without knowing.) I used to be very blind to others earlier this year and maybe even all my life. I just didn't think that way. Not until now and I am all too aware of their backs. I feel like I can do such great things and have great ideas for this life and society, but all knowledge means nothing without someone beside me. It's like I don't want anything else. I know I can change myself to be more happy but I just don't want to. I still am waiting around for others to see me.

 

Maybe I'm just in the transition of saying goodbye. I need people like me. I just don't where to go. That's where this hopelessness set it. I reached out for help and the people I loved didn't respond. They did so actually... immaturelly with blame and preaches on life? I don't know what I'm expecting. I don't know anymore. I'm just at that turning point. I have no idea what to do next.

 

Hope you reply.

 

-Sarah

 

What do you think?

[Daddy Bear]

LOL you know what I think this is? I think I need a boyfriend.

yeah.

 

a really, really smart one.

[blueangel]

yeah.

 

a really, really smart one.

 

where can I find one of THOSE?

[Daddy Bear]

where can I find one of THOSE?

i dunno; they're pretty rare birds, lol. but you probably WILL.

 

btw, i was just reading some of your poetry. what a gift!!! i think i'll give up on writing altogether. i just can't compete with that.

[blueangel]

i dunno; they're pretty rare birds, lol. but you probably WILL.

 

btw, i was just reading some of your poetry. what a gift!!! i think i'll give up on writing altogether. i just can't compete with that.

 

oy- that was effortless under 5 minute things before class. Trust me- you haven't seen anything yet!

 

Though- thanks, by the way.

[Daddy Bear]

oy- that was effortless under 5 minute things before class. Trust me- you haven't seen anything yet!

why does that NOT make me feel better???

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

(have not read all replies)

 

Sometimes, there IS no One Problem.

 

I used to torture myself like that. I mean..why Depression/Bipolar/Anorexia for me, when I came from a secure, well off family, had a private education, big house with garden/field/pony etc, good health, no history of abuse. I put it down to White Upper Middle Class Girl Syndrome for awhile, but then it hit me...

 

There doesn't have to be an explanation. Whats more important is what happens NOW. Intelligence, which you clearly have much of, can be a major burden, do you do extra study in things that interest you? If not, consider it..make your own projects! Religion/theology is my main "thing", do you have anything that you could just talk for hours about?

 

At 15, you havnt really formed yourself yet, so theres not a lot to lose sight of..I havnt expressed that very well at all, I guess I mean that your personality is far from complete and it's not until you are older that people feel more "together" anyway.

 

Can you talk to friends etc about this, chances are that some of them feel the same, even if they don't have such eloquent language with which to express it!

 

Parents who ignore you are extremely hard to deal with, not sure what to suggest for that.

[kudro]

hah you think her story si bad for a kid.... i may be only 19, but trust me .. if i am still alaive, there is hope for everyone. no one would believe my biography its so FVcked up. try i have a mother who ahs no hands or feet. she was raped bya crazy navy man so tahst how I was born. I basically have been her scape goat and slave all my life. My brother faked things to get me sent away. i beent rying to kill myself since 10. i been hospitalized for it over 15 times between 10-15 i been to 2 gropu homes. I never used aillegial drugs I never touchjed them other than pot adn i did my research on pot. its better than tobacco or alcohol. adn i have a high IQ too. im getting a 3.5 gpa in college w/o trying studying reading adn being as depressed as i am. i been raped by a cousin, molested by babysitter, i been sexually abused at least ocne every year of my life. all my life i been called bad names by my grandparents and mother theyd make fun of my stomach (altho i was only 150 pounds) and thought iw as pregnant when i never have been! they always have doubted my abilities adn never have had faith in me. they misunderstand anything u say adn take it the wrong way then hold grudges and hate you forever becayuuse they misunderstood you because they are retarded adn didnt get past the 8th grade. Is god real? because the only reason im not dead is because im afraid of a worser hell tahn the one im living.. if you callt hat living.. i cant wait to find out tehres nothing after death... no heaven no hell. FTW

[kudro]

I have oppositional defiancy disorder, bi polar, major depressive disorder (maybe PTSD the last hospitalization removed that diagnosis) ADHD, I struggled through anorexia, i used to adn soemtimes still cut but not deep just enough for it to hurt adn bleed. because of all my trauma, i fel likea sociopath now. when 9/11 occurred i didnt care. i was actually thinking "they were gonna die someday anyway.. adn besides they were prolly rich adn evil so good thing their dead. i really could care less about 9/11" Its so hard to trust anyone or care about anyone after beinga target of so much hate and evil. the islams are right. Our government is the Devil and evil, but thiers isnt any more inncoent.... i think im going to go get wasted , pop a bunch of pills run out into the highway sicne i live liek 5 feet from interstate 95... i did jump in front of an 18 wheeler once walking home from elementary school w/ my mother i was in 5th grade. damn people for saving me or catching em everytime i was about to succeed ahh the agony of every future breath!

[blueangel]

You need LOVE.

 

There is still hope for your situation. It is your attitude which cripples you now

[Spugly Fuglet]

Your 15, this little bit of information may be of use, Cognitive sciences (the ones that study the brain). Found that as a body goes throw puberty the brain it self changes, the ability for the “Adolescent” to empathises was greatly reduced, this is the brain shifting

Its key areas of emotional stimulation from thaws of a child, (parents, siblings relation etc) to throws of procreation and relationships for any possible reproductive partner.

(Humans are odd long gestation period so bond made then has to be very strong)

 

You see in nearly every ones brain is a second set of Neurones which are there to empathies with others, there the ones that make us flinch when we see some one kicked on the shine.

Now some of your feeling could be from your brain changing

(This is very simply put)

Give it time and you feeling will start to come back.

[blueangel]

I study the brain too, dude.

 

And it is most affected by our perception of our world. Our perception affects the way we feel about things, about life- what is meaningless and what is not. So while changes are occurring in growth, sometimes it is simply what we are lacking in life that puts the most weight on our hearts. Fun, friendship and expression are key elements. Balance comes with how we are loved... the way the brain most turns around is in the midst of how we learn to love others. This starts out when we are babies through interation with our main caregivers (grows the most through that) and continues on throughout life.... throughout life... all of it.

 

"Love was made by God. Ignore it and you will suffer as you cannot imagine."- from Tristion and Isolde movie. So true despite what the reasons are behind these feelings. That's the truth.

[Daddy Bear]

hey blueangel, how have you been? no major funks, mehopes. any luck in running into another 200 IQ teen in your area yet?

[blueangel]

SO better. Making goals for myself- been reaching out and talking to people. Now, I'm making a plan to slowly pull us deep people together as a group over time by starting out creating sleepovers for all of us during the summer- start them small to big to get them used to each other- and then by next school year, i'll have a tight group of friends. I've even written a list of people that befriending them would be stepping out the comfort zone to more popular people, social silly ones like me.

 

Then, I'm volunteering a lot. also Taking an interest in literature. Writing- I update a new webjournal every Friday, or will try to. And I'm thinking about the future- what else can I do to be prepared? To be organized and prioritized. Got to get my school grades up to A's before the 19 days left of it are over!

 

I'm also seeing a therapist soon and I'm trying out for the play of Hercules at the Comtra Theatre in my town and I'm staying involved in Barnes in Nobles events (book readings, discussions, themes, contests...). With my faith in God, I'm putting myself out there- especially with this friend thing. Maybe I'll touch some lives.

 

I make little care packages for my younger neices and cousins and then as well as my former step brother by giving them movies and books that have shaped and influenced my heart. As well as my own stories and advice... even poems I write for them, cards I make about them and how great they are...include quotes that are beautiful to me... let them know i'm here and I care enough to take an interest...

 

I'll let you know how it goes and might someday soon post a topic about how to turn around your life like i am, in simple yet specific steps.

 

ok- enough rambling. How's YOUR life, slightlybent? That's what I want to know now.

[Daddy Bear]

hi, angel! thanks so much for that incredibly buoying update! it sounds as though you have focused your creative intelligence to the benefit of yourself and others. i am so, so glad. from what i've seen over the years, a mind as sharp and active as your own needs just the kinds of outlets that you describe in your post, lest things get ugly as they nearly did. my most heartfelt and vociferous bravos to you for creating some concrete solutions to the 'electronic feedback' that was so seriously dogging you when you created this thread. i must admit that it gave me (and no doubt many others) a real sick feeling to read how low you felt at the time.

 

although it seems far less likely now, if you have similar moments in the future please do not hesitate to discuss them here in the forum. you are pure atomic-powered potential and there is no way in heck that we can let allow that to go untapped when there is so much demand in the world for shining spirits such as your own.

 

in answer to your kind inquiry, my own life is right where it's been for several years--bobbing in the proverbial 'ceramic punchbowl'--so i suppose the proper optimistic answer would be "stable". however, i am getting so much from lolling around in ENA these days that i can feel positive changes stealthily gaining on me despite my unconscious efforts to sabotage them.

 

take care of yourself (oh, that's right; you are! ) and keep checking in.

 

your Cal pal slightlybent

[blueangel]

I found out I have seasonal depression. (cha?) Because the sun affects the chemicals in your brain... lala?

 

I have a webjournal. Here. It's updated every Friday (or sooner if I can)

 

link removed

[Spugly Fuglet]

Thats good news BlueAngel SAD scan be treated with sun lights.

[blueangel]

Yeah. hehehehe. Sun lights. That will be fun to stare at... brightness is hypnotizing!

[Daddy Bear]

Yeah. hehehehe. Sun lights. That will be fun to stare at... brightness is hypnotizing!

lol i think i'll just move to Ecuador, myself...