Did I blow it by dating someone else?

[Trex]

Just a question, as I'm having one of those terrible, doubt-filled days...

 

We were together for one year (though I broke up with her for about a week, 6 months in), then hung out a lot as friends since we broke up in early February. I took her for granted during the relationship, then after we broke up did all the wrong things---- sending flowers, telling her I missed her, etc., but NO nagging or begging to get back together. Anyway, 2 weeks ago she told me (after I pushed her a bit) that we would never be together again. So I told her maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore as I had met someone else. She asked how many dates we'd been on, I said "a few," which is true. She also said "Wow, you really have moved one." To which I replied "Well, you broke up with me, what do you expect?" (but I said it nicely).

 

She has called several times since then, though nothing since last Friday night. I am worried she is totally put off because I told her I met someone else. Is this going to decrease my chances of getting back together with her? I am trying to move on (hence the dating), but I still love her so much and would like to get back together. I have gone NC for 11 days, and have not initiated contact but have responded (hours later) to phone calls from her.

 

Does anyone think I've ruined my chances at a reconciliation by dating someone else????? (by the way, I haven't even kissed this other girl yet, but my ex doesn't know that)

 

I appreciate any input at all!!

[DN]

She said it was over and your best bet was, and still is, to assume she means it. You are right to move on. If she should reconsider that would be nice but make sure you don't hurt anyone else in the process.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well I think that you should try telling her what you have told us, and that your not serious about the other girl and won't see her anymore. (if that is true). Maybe you need to be honest or risk it going too much water under the bridge to salvage it.

 

Also, I am curious why you think sending flowers and telling her you missed her is the wrong thing to do? If you want to get back you gotta let her know!

[chai714]

You didn't blow it by dating someone else. If anything, you raised her interest level. Don't stop dating the woman you're currently seeing unless you see fit. Don't however, do it as a strategy to get your ex back. If necessary, date both until you see fit to settle with one.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I agree that it is not a requirement to date no more than one person at a time. It's just best not to make someone think they're 'the only one' if they're not.

[chai714]

Teddy,

 

I agree it's best not to make someone think they're "the only one." I do not advocate deception. I also don't think you should blatently say, "look, you're the only one I'm dating" as that will become apparent over a period of time. I also believe that being vague can accomplish the desired effect of generating more interest. Note that this whole process maintains honesty and integrity which are both desireable traits.

[Iceman26]

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

I personally don't believe in getting back together with an ex, so if I were in your postion I'd continue to be moving on with your life. Good luck in your decision.

[Trex]

Thanks for the input everyone. To answer Teddy's question--- I broke the "rules" by sending flowers, etc. At the time I felt good doing it, and she really seemed to appreciate it. But when I said "I miss you" two weeks ago, that's when she started pulling away more, then she said "we'll never be back together romantically."

 

I just want her in my life!! I am not dating the other woman to make my ex jealous. If anything I am doing it for my own self-esteem, and I have told the new woman everything and I have been totally upfront with her about taking things REALLY slow. She's been so cool about it, and it's making me that much more attracted to her. I just don't want my ex to think it's serious, so perhaps I SHOULD tell her that. But I'm not going to stop dating the new gal in the meantime unless my ex says that I need to choose. In that case, I would choose my ex.

 

I am actually going over to my ex's place this evening. It has been a really rough day. My dog passed away earlier today (a tragic situation that I won't get into here) and who did I call? My ex. I was so distraught, and she knows how much I adored my dog (she was 7 years old), so whether I should have done it or not, I did it. She was so sweet and sympathetic. I'm not going to talk about the relationship, other than to tell her that I want us to stay good friends, and perhaps let her know that the new woman is not someone I am serious about right now. Thoughts?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

and I have told the new woman everything and I have been totally upfront with her about taking things REALLY slow. She's been so cool about it, and it's making me that much more attracted to her. I just don't want my ex to think it's serious, so perhaps I SHOULD tell her that. But I'm not going to stop dating the new gal in the meantime unless my ex says that I need to choose. In that case, I would choose my ex. I am actually going over to my ex's place this evening.Thoughts?

 

Alright, well I know timing can be bad sometimes, but one at a time would be simpler if possible.