Help!!!

[Phoenix69]

My BF and I are back together. For those of you fimiliar with my story, it has been coming for a while. NC was broken after one week. Not by me but by him.

 

Since then he has become very jealous and suspicious. Both of us have this problem.

 

My question is, how can I help him to stop thinking that I am off cheating and hooking up with other guys when I am not at his house. I do not have a camera phone so can't be sending him pictures of where I am. We used to live together, but after breaking up (as you do) we moved into separate living quarters. He now lives on the other side of Auckland (about a fifteen minute drive)

 

I want him to know how much I love and treasure him, without being too clingy and annoying. I know that by spending more time out at his house will build that trust again, but at the same time, I don't want him to become sick of me. I could spend all my time with him, I love spending time with him, even if it is just watching him play games or clean his room or anything else that might seem dull and boring to anyone else. I just like being around him.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[orgasmictofu]

He has to deal with his insecurities himself. If he doesn't trust you, and if it wasn't something you did, then you can't help him short of hanging out with him ALL the time. And do you really want that?

[NubianLove]

I agree, this is something he has to deal with on his own, u arent doing anything now for him to think that way. Why the heck should u be taking pics to let him know where u are at? Careful because in as much as u want to get back, if it continues this way u'll be only be right where u started.

[kadvati79]

Firsly, hello fellow kiwi! I live in Wellington.

 

When reconcilling the BIGGEST problem both face is moving on from the past. You really have to be prepared to let go of the past relationship, the rights and wrongs, and be prepared to approach this relationship as a NEW one with only a SHARED history.

 

Its natural to be a bit scared when returning to a relationship, but it sounds like you both might need some help. Have you considered couples counselling?

 

I think you need to make it clear to him that you are commited to him. You can say/show this without being clingy. Trust is something that will build up over time, and is not constant. It takes work from both parties, and good techniques for communicating.

[Phoenix69]

icemotoboy,

You've really hit the nail on the head there. It is about time we had a good chat. It is scary returning to a relationship. Especially where trust is an issue because it is really hard to let go of the past. On both of our parts.

[kadvati79]

How long did you have apart? Hopefully it was long enough for you both to grow as different people. I think thats CRUICIAL. Because then you really are meeting as two different people, but the relationship can become much stronger because you already know each other. People get very attracted to jumping into new relationships cause they offer hope of being "perfect". I believe its better the devil that you know... in other words, when you have been through so much s**t with one person - yet you are still together and still love each other - then you really know that no matter what you will be together. And thats a comforting thought. But it doesnt just HAPPEN. Fate may direct things but you actually have to act it out.

[missbrittanyy]

i suffer from the same thing your boyfriend does ..

im so insecure that im always worried that.. w hen he's not with me

he's out doing the dirty with another girl.. or if he goes to the bar with

his guy friends after work, he must be lying.. i constantly torture my self

with things he must be doing if he's with me.. he's done everything he can

to try and show me im wrong.. but eventually you just cant show a person

any more. they;re going to believe whatever they want to, and make up

things in their head as much as they watn to. and it;s something i've realized

i have to deal with on my own, why should my bf have to constantly

prove him self to me

[Phoenix69]

How long did you have apart? Hopefully it was long enough for you both to grow as different people. .

 

We were apart for one week. Not long enough really, but it was enough time for him to realise that he loved me more than he thought he did and couldn't stnad the thought of me being with anyone but him.

 

It's hard when you just wish you could put them inside your head and let them see exactly how much you love them and want be with them and them only.

[missbrittanyy]

i dont believe it's fair that you have to constantly be proving your self to him. just let him know you're with him for a reason.

[Phoenix69]

Thanks for all your help

[kadvati79]

I don't like the thought of my ex being with other men, but if it makes him happy, well I have to reach peace with it. It concerns me that it almost sounds like he thinks of you as "property". You have to prove nothing to him other than you love him.

 

"couldn't stnad the thought of me being with anyone but him." Thats the bit that worried me, and it fits with the whole jealously thing. I think you can work through it, but he needs to find peace with it somehow.

[Phoenix69]

I completely understand. But the thing is that in the beginning, he cheated on me, and throughout the rest of our 2 year relationship, it was me who was the jealous one and wanted him to prove that he was sorry. He did that. And now that we have split and gotten back together, it is him that has the huge problems

 

Its so HARD! We need to trade bodies for a day and see how the other one is feeling. Only then would we truly TRULY know

[kadvati79]

What you need is to become one body. A real fulfilling relationship is when you are a TEAM. And we all know there is no I in team! (although there is a ME lol).

 

I think of all my relationships as teams. You stick together, you work through the good times and bad... TOGETHER. Well for the most part anyway.

 

You already alluded that you both need to sit down and have a real heart to heart. Not a serious talk, just a real happy chat. Lots of reassurance. Letting him know you just want to understand because you love him.

[Jjasonn28]

Not long enough really, but it was enough time for him to realise that he loved me more than he thought he did and couldn't stnad the thought of me being with anyone but him.

 

Red flag?

 

Anyone else see this? Jealousy and insecurity is (in my book) definitely NOT a strong foundation a realtionship, especially a reconciled relationship should be built on.

 

And on top of that, his trust issues are making things much worse. Unfortunatley, like everyone else has said, there is nothing you can do to 'ease his mind and curiosity' short of spending every waking minute with him.

 

I guess communicating to him that Love, respect and trust are one in the same. Its a package deal. And if he has problems with part of it, then you need to re evaluate his definition of 'love'.

[HardShowingAffection]

Yes, jealousy in a relationship is definitely BAD!!

 

When I looked back at my relationship, I wondered if I had shown signs of jealousy or being overbearing at times. While I truly did not mean to, it was/is part of my self-healing and something that I wanted to look more deeply into, and correct if there were symptoms.

 

I grabbed the following book from Amazon for a couple bucks and read it:

"Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness" by Paul A. Hauck. It gave me some good insight to some of the actions that jealous or possessive individuals display. While my case was not near as extreme as some of them in the book, and many were, in fact, not even present, I did take note of a few actions.

 

Basically, it all comes down to jealousy is a behavior. Behaviors are learned. Behaviors can be unlearned. Just as people can stop smoking and drinking, you can also overcome jealousy. It is a behavior that was learned over time, and no matter how extreme or how long you have been a jealous person, or displayed jealous actions, it is up to the individual to 'unlearn' this behavior.

 

As the partner of a jealous person, you can also do your part to help out. You don't have to put up with it! You can help make the change! While you don't want to immediately attack your partner and make them feel insecure/angry, sometimes this is all that you can do. I would suggest reading the book, it helps. It lays out some steps to help identify why people are this way, how the individual can overcome this problem, and how the partner of a jealous mate can help force 'unlearning' this behavior as well. I would recommend it... it was worth the $5.00.

 

Remember that all behaviors can be changed. You have learned them over time, and just so, you can unlearn them. The key is to be willing to make those changes! Talk to your partner about it! Read the book, have them read the book, and go from there!

[enolaton]

So, question for all you guys then...

 

Can an ex be jealous of you, especially after a period of say at least 6 months, if she doesn't have ANY feelings for you???

[Jjasonn28]

So, question for all you guys then...

 

Can an ex be jealous of you, especially after a period of say at least 6 months, if she doesn't have ANY feelings for you???

 

Well, I would say that if she doesn't have ANY feelings, meaning that any and all emotional attatchment is gone, then the possibility of her being jealous is close to non existent.

 

However, that being said, If the relationship was meaningful, and the breakup/moving on was amicable, then after 6 months no matter what anyone says, she will still have feelings. Be it direct or indirect such as an attatchment to memories.. ie special moments in your relationship. In this case, then sure its completely possible that she may have jealous thoughts.

 

But taking it to the extreme, if there is NO FEELINGS AT ALL, then there is no reason to be jealous.

 

Just my opinion