Hurt and Lost

[kickeddown]

Hi all, I came accross this forum a while back(about two months ago when my ex girlfriend and I broke up). It started out as she wanted some space, we lived together for two years while we were both going to college. I just finished in December and she is still going. She just turned 21 in November and I am 23, we were together for three years. We got along great for the most part and I love(d) her with all my heart since the day i met her. She decided in January that she didn't want to live together anymore. This was fine with me I thought it might do our relationship some good, but when I said that I didn't want to see other people she got mad and said that I was trying to control the "break". She said that if it was meant to be it would but if we were going on a break that we needed to take a real one. This hurt alot and now she is dating someone else although she says she is not. I have access to her email so I pick up bits and pieces along the way(which i wish i never knew because ignorance is bliss but i can't help it). I have been trying my best to get her outta my head and go out and keep busy but somehow she always keeps creeping into my mind. I decided about three weekes ago to go and get everything that i still had at her new apartment (didn't have anyroom to put it at my new place) to cut all ties basically. I haven't talked to her since then. When I called to tell her this she seemed surprised, the next day when i called her to tell her what time I was going to come over and get everything and she started crying(not bawling but i could hear it in her voice). When I asked her why she was crying she denied that she was and it progressively got more noticeable. I know she still cares because of that but otherwise she is really stone faced about it. I think that she is just trying to be strong and not let me know that she is hurt.

 

I still love her, even through all the crap that has happened the last couple months. I wish she would come back but I know that it will not be anytime soon. I always wonder what she is up to and if she is doing okay. I'm tired of hurting and tired of wondering, please help!!!

[Emotional_Kisses]

Well, it obviously sounds like she used the term "break" to dump you gently. She obviously wanted to date this other guy instead, hense why she went mad when you gave the "No dating other people policy"

 

My advice - move on.

 

Yeah, you might get back together in the future and yes you would probably be very happy. But for how long? How long would it take her to get fed up again and to want to move onto the next guy?

 

I think if you was to stay stuck on her then you are going to become hurt again in the long run. It sounds to me as if she does not really know what she wants. She can't be very happy with this guy if she was crying and she couldn't have been very happy with you to leave you for him.

 

Just try to stay away from her. Break all contact. It will be EXTREMELY hard at first but it will benefit your happiness in the long run. One day you will meet a girl who wants you and you only.

 

I hope i helped.

[Emotional_Kisses]

Also, you say she is hurt. Yet it sounds very much like you are hurt too. Maybe you need to put yourself first, instead of her and do what is going to make you happy.

 

If you don't feel like you are ready to get on without her. Talk to her. Ask her if there is a chance of you getting back together. If there is, you need to lay the ground rules. You want to make it work without any more "breaks" in which she can use to be with another guy.

 

If there is no chance of having her back, move on.

[kadvati79]

I read once "the only way to rid yourself of temptation is to yield to it".

 

Now, maybe I might start a flame war here, but there is an element of truth to it. Two people need to be on the same page in a relationship. If one thinks the grass is greener and one doesn't, then there is an imbalance that needs to be corrected.

 

I only began to be able to deal with my emotions, and get over the "sex" thing when I turned 23. I'm turning 25 next month.

 

Try and have a really objective think about the relationship. If you really, really, really want to have another crack - then you are going to have to wait an indefinate period of time, put up with heartache, and let your girlfriend go. If being with other guys is what it takes for her to figure herself out, well, then thats what it will take. But is that something you really want to accept?

[kickeddown]

I don't really know, it would definetely be different(hopefully in a good way in that she has figured herself out and knows she wants to be with me). THat is the only way it could happen because another one of these bull**** breaks isn't going to fly! I don't want to accept it and am trying very hard to move on because I know that would be best. The hard part is that her family absolutely loves me and I love them. I'm like an Uncle to her sisters two daughters. They love me to death. I'm am putting my head up though and gritting my teeth until this bull**** feelings go away. Its hard to go against what your heart tells you even if you know you should!

[missbrittanyy]

me and my boyfriend are on a "break" right now, i dont exactly understand the concept of them.. like is it okay if he goes and bones another girl, or is it okay if i go and get with some guy (i have no desire to.) .. but like, i dont get if they;re just space for a couple, to regather their thoughts, and figure themselves out and make sure it's something they want to be in and make seriouse or what.. this whole break idea makes no sense to me..

 

so i know how you feel, IT SUCKS. i think it's best that .. the space is given i suppose, and then as many ppl have told me on here "set it free if it comes back its yours" blabadbyblaaah im sure you've heard it.. but i hate to set my relationship in the hands of fate, not sure about you.

 

maybe wait a bit, and try talking to her again? perhaps you could re kindle what once was.

[kickeddown]

We are pretty much done, no break now. What in initiated me to get all of my stuff outta her place was when I went to get something one day she ended up telling me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. That in itself is a huge kick to the nuts! And on top of that had the audacity to tell me later on in the conversation that she still could picture herself with me for the rest of her life! * * *! One of the posts I read earlier said the whole "Im love you but i'm not in love with you" statement is pretty much summed up by "I wanna go hoe around for a while and know that I will have you as a backup plan in case things aren't as good as I think they will be". Pretty much have to agree with that one, what a load of crap! What do you all think?

[kadvati79]

I think it does depend on the specifics of the relationship, and each person.

 

I believe there are many reasons for the "Im love you but i'm not in love with you" speech. If someone is GENUINE then I honestly think they are at the point they cannot act on their love any more. Feelings are there but maybe there is too much pain, hurt, or not enough "zing" for them to want to continue. But I also think its often used as an excuse which gives it a bad rap.

 

Love is a feeling, and its not constant. As you get older I think you get used to that and you learn to care and love on a deeper level.

[missbrittanyy]

i dont think that i love you but im not in love with you, always means "im going to go * * * * * around now"

[NJRon]

She said that if it was meant to be it would but if we were going on a break that we needed to take a real one.

 

she ended up telling me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore

 

Others seem to sugar coat this, but I have been through this exact same thing so many times I can't even tell you. These are both indicators that she wants to end the relationship. You are right. It's over.

 

Just listen to what she is telling you (and forget about the sex aspect.. that has very little to nothing to do with it). Quite frankly, she wants to take a real break... that is... a period of time in which you are broken up... a period of time, length unspecified, in which you are not bf/gf... that is a breakup.

 

Also, the line "I love you but am not In Love with you" ... yes... it could be true and, coming from someone that was just letting you know how they felt but were willing to stay in the relationship and work through stuff, then fine. However, this is coming from a person that wants to leave. She strikes me as someone that is too immature to realize that love can ebb and flow and that you have to "work" through the low times... so, in this case, it's another way of saying "break up".

 

You're on the right track. Do yourself a favor and move on.

[kickeddown]

I have been doing okay for the last while, but the last few days have been hell. All I can do is think of how bad i miss her and want to talk to her REALLY bad! I have no idea if this would do more harm for me and also the possiblity of us ever getting back together. I have been strong and not talked to her for over a month now and counting, is this good? I have heard that she can't really miss me if i am not gone right? My heart is just giving me a the wrath right now and it will not let up, it sucks! I can't just deny my feelings for her and I don't know what to do.

[malcontent]

I'd agree with the statement that she can't really miss you if you're not gone, and I also wouldn't recommend getting in touch with her. You should be focusing on doing whatever it takes to make yourself happy without her.

 

Another good saying is "the best revenge is living well". From my perspective that means moving on with your life and showing yourself - and possibly her while you're at it - that you are a complete person even without her; that you're able to enjoy your days and improve yourself without having to depend on her as a crutch, for lack of a better term.

 

I'm not trying to belittle relationships by any means, I'm just trying to make the case that nothing is more attractive than a person who is confident in themselves and able to live and enjoy life on their own.

 

In other words, it's nice to know that another person can augment an already happy life, but it's less appealing to think that your life is missing something without someone else in it.

 

Now keep in mind that I myself am working towards being this person of whom I speak, but I'm by no means there yet. I still miss a lot of stuff about having a g/f, but have already come to appreciate the freedom that comes with not having one.

[kickeddown]

Well, I saw the ex today. As I was driving home right when I turned onto the main road that leads to my house she popped out of a side street(we live probabaly three blocks away from each other). We waved at each other as I passed by her car. It really put me down seeing her. I miss her so much, I hate not talking to her, its so painful all the time. It never seems to go away no matter what I seem to do. I put on a good face when in company of others but I hurt so bad when I am alone and thinking of her, I can't help not thinking of her. I wish I had someone to pass thetime with, I have come to terms with not having someone but I feel so alone and down! Having that special someone to come home to and laugh with, hug, kiss, and spend time with is just so damn awesome! As much as I wish I could just be angry and be done with it, I can't hold bad feelings for her; this makes me still want to be with her someday and I know I still love her!](*,)

[kickeddown]

How do i get through this, i hate all this pain and agony. WHy does it have to be this dang hard! I didn't sign up for this!