advice needed! relationship with a married man.

[tammyy]

I don’t know what to do. I met a man about 7 months ago. He is 39 & I am 20. He is married with 3 daughters. He said that he is having problems with his wife and he is only staying because he would miss his girls too much if he moved out. I continued seeing him (even though I knew it was wrong).

 

He forgot to log out of his email page about 2 months ago and his wife found emails from me. I felt so bad and told him that I don’t want to see him anymore and that he should try to work things out with his wife. I felt so guilty. After a few days his wife sent me a message saying something like "He is miserable and I only want him to be happy, so I wish you both well"( !!!) His wife told him he could continue living there and see me if he wants. But I told him I can’t because its too weird and I don’t want to do that.

 

He asked if he could move into my place. And I let him. He spent every afternoon with his wife and kids (until 8.30pm most nights, even though his kids go to bed at about 7pm) plus Sat & Sun for the last 3 weeks. He even slept over there on the Easter weekend so he could be there when the children got their eggs. He said he is missing his kids so much and it is hard for him. So I didn’t complain.

 

His wife would get his daughters to ring up when he got home some nights to say that they miss him and want him to come home.

Then 2 nights ago after one of the calls he said "I don’t want to hurt you but I miss the girls too much and I’m going home". Then he sent me a text msg when he got home saying he has been crying the whole way home and he thinks he has made the wrong choice. His wife saw him crying and said for him to go back to me if he was happy. Then tonight I got a text msg from her saying " bet peter didn’t tell you we were **** behind ur back not nice is it" It made me so angry/upset/confused. I called and asked him about it and he said she is just trying to cause problems and its not true. He told me about a month ago that once when we had a fight he went home and had sex with her. So I don’t know who to believe. Please give me some advice!!!

[ElektraHere]

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!! This is a no win situation for you. Not only is he married, he has 3 daughters, and he is 19 years older then you. If you think you have a future with this guy you are really kidding yourself. The best thing you can do is chaulk it up as a BIG mistake and move on.

[Dako]

End it.

There's such baggage with this guy you'll end up wondering what you saw in him. Have him check back with you after his long messy divorce so you aren't sucked into a nightmare.

This is seriously a terrible way to enter a relationship. The pitfalls are endless.

Please be careful and get away while you can.

[itsallgrand]

Bleeeehhh! This guy is a loser. Block the gates and stop talking to him. Save your own sanity and dignity.

 

I don't get this: the women in this scenario chopping at each other. Women together are strong. Neither of you deserve to be treated like that. Right now he has his pick of who he wants to be with!! He's having sex with both of you!!

Don't you see how ridiculous that is?

 

Place the fury where it belongs: on Him! He's a dog! And he's not thinking about his kids: he's using it as a card.

 

Bleeeehhh!

[Dako]

I don't hink the OP is stupid, just involved with the wrong person. We all get a turn at that sort of thing.

[itsallgrand]

What does OP stand for?

[tammyy]

So do you think that he has been having sex with her for the last few weeks, while he was living with me?

Tammyy

[ElektraHere]

I don't think she is stupid as a person she may have made stupid choices. We all have its being human. I think that she needs to get out and never look back. You know I am sure the daughters know something is up. I can't imagine the tension at home or the mood of the wife. Do you want to put the daughters through all this? They didnt ask for a philandering father.

[ElektraHere]

YES YES YES YES!!! Its called having his cake and eating it to!

[Dako]

Original post or original poster.

[itsallgrand]

Ohkay. Thank you Dako.

 

I agree. You're not stupid. You've simply made a big mistake. It's time to remedy it the best you can. The first step would be to get out and NEVER contact him again.

good luck

[RayKay]

Sweetie, this is a disaster.

 

There is a reason less then 5% of relationships borne out of affairs work.

 

He does not want to "choose" between anything, he does not want to sacrifice, he just wants it all. I can almost guarantee he and his wife have been sleeping together frequently. It's not uncommon when someone is having an affair they actually INCREASE sexual intimacy with their partner to hide the signs or the guilt.

 

He right now has both of you - you in evenings/mornings, her on weekends and afternoons and most of evening. What kind of relationship is this really?

 

He's a cheater, and a liar and a master manipulator.

 

I suggest you cut it off and put an end to it. As long as he can, he will keep jumping between you two.

[rubberducky86]

I've had a very similar problem, and many posts about it. When I started going out w/my married man he was living at his friends house for the past couple of months and I gave him a couple more months before I ever got involved. I am 20 and he is turning 30 in May. I also found out he was cheating on me after a while, because due to unforeseen and sucky circumstances that I think are bull * * * * he moved in with his wife. His still living w/her and he sleeps in a separate room, but they are still under the same roof together. I was never stupid, I always thought he was cheating on me (although it's not considering cheating because SHE is his wife not you...) I just let it go because I loved him soo much. I still do, but one of the only reasons I let so much go now is because I ended up pregnant. Please for your own sake think of yourself. It's the time to be selfish, a boyfriend is not something you should be sharing with another woman (and I obviously don't mean his kids, he should be involved with them) This scenario just sounds all too familiar. It's not a good life to lead. How long has he been with his wife? Because my boyfriend claimed that because they had been together since highschool (for 10 years) it's hard not to want to have sex with her. I told him numerous times if he wants her to go back to her, but he tells me time and time again he doesn't love her like that anymore, and the sex they had when he was cheating is meaningless...but think is that what he's telling her about you? As for me people told me to stay away and I didn't listen. Sometimes you really do have to learn from your own mistakes, just hope it's not too late when you figure it out.

 

I wish you all the best of luck, and never trust a wife. Today she bought me a set of little rubber duckies for the baby...all it did was make me uneasy. You don't have to leave him just because people tell you to, if you love him it's hard. But you need to force him to make a decision, and keep the kids out of the decision making. There are many men (including my own father) who could only see me on the weekends because he was divorced and living elsewhere. Obviously he loves his children but don't let him use it as an excuse, if he loves his children he would do the right thing, and not be messing around with you and his wife. And if he told you he's only slept with his wife once I really hate to say it, but it's been more than once. And it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, but it's exactly like one of the other posters said, he wants to have his cake and eat it to. You know how many times I have been told that!! It's crazy and it will drive you nuts. If he doesn't move in a more mature direction (divorce, separation as by moving out and NEVER sleeping over the wive's house again) than I would say by all means continue if your happy with him. But if he just tells you he'll divorce her, it's not good enough, and if he lives with you but stays at her house late, than that's not good enough. He needs to go back to her or move on to you and that's all there is to it.

[Scout]

I don't get this: the women in this scenario chopping at each other. Women together are strong. Neither of you deserve to be treated like that. Right now he has his pick of who he wants to be with!! He's having sex with both of you!!

Don't you see how ridiculous that is?

 

Place the fury where it belongs: on Him! He's a dog! And he's not thinking about his kids: he's using it as a card.

 

AMEN!! And let me just say, this has to be one of the most disturbing "relationships" I've read about on eNotalone.

 

To the original poster, remember when you felt guilty about this a few months ago? That was your conscience talking to you. And if you continue your involvement with this "man" you're going to lose the values and self-respect that are critical to have in order to look at yourself in the mirror.

 

I'm sorry, but this just wrong.

[aggierocker]

I almost had sex with my dad's girlfriend. It just seemed TOO weird.

[ElektraHere]

Aggie - That whole situation is just troubling in itself. As for the OP of this thread get out now. Your situation could be like Rubberducky (please don't take offense) pregnant with your married boyfriends baby. How the heck would you explain to your child how and when you were concieved.

 

Use that gut instinct you are ignoring and get out now. Save your sanity, self respect, and dignity its not too late.

[Hope75]

Tammyy,

 

This man lied to you in the beginning and was using both you and his wife, and now he's going home and sleeping over there too?

 

I'm sorry but Ray Kay is right, alot of times "forbidden" sex can be very exciting and now that he's "separated" from his wife she is a very tempting person to him and personally I believe her over him.

 

Honey, you are 20 years old- this man is twice your age with 3 children and a wife-what are you doing, honestly?

 

Do you think all you deserve are stolen scraps from a man who is clearly sleeping with both of you and does not respect either of you enough to commit?

[ashleyann18]

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!! This situation will cause you nothing but pain. You are young and deserve a man with no baggage.

 

You deserve better. I wish I got this advice prior to the mistakes I have made...

[theantibarbie23]

Run do not walk to the nearest exit!

 

At twenty you have to realize that you are not ready to become a step mother figure to three young children, who will in all likelyhood blame YOU for the fact their parents aren't together.

 

Can you really see yourself with this guy longterm? He's going to be old, liverspotted, toothless, bald, and suffering from old age ailments while you are in the prime of life.

 

Honestly, there is a reason why married men choose young women to have affairs with. It gives them an ego boost, to know that they still got it and it's often easier to manipulate younger women. No offense meant by that torwards you at at all, but at twenty you just don't have the life experience of a forty year old woman and god knows at twenty I did things I wouldn't dream of now.

 

Don't waste another second on this loser! Find yourself a man who doesn't have this much baggage and that will respect you!