Seems to like me but mentions another guy?

[DN]

I have to agree that this girl is not worth the effort. Much too full of herself. Time to move on to someone else.

[tylercdurden2004]

Like i said in my original post, "fallback guy". Is that how you see yourself?

[NewPhillyGuy]

I see your point. She does seem like a total flake. Here's what I was thinking...

 

Oh man...

 

I'll give you my take on this.

 

This broad would be dumped by me in a HEARTBEAT. You failed EVERY SINGLE test she provided. Some examples:

 

1) She tells you over the phone (why are you chatting with her on the phone anyway? Dates are for in person! Phone is friendzoned!) and over the phone she tells you about another guy that she is interested in.

 

I don't see anything wrong with talking on the phone.

 

For one, there should be no doubt at this point as far as where you two stand. If you had been clear by this point that you are interested and were dating, you wouldn't have to had gone through this test.

However she tested with with the story of another guy she is interested in, and you started off right by saying, "You should hook up with him" but you BLEW it by continuing the conversation and talking about when you guys will hang out again. I would have said what you said, but then told her, "Well, nice talking with you. Catch ya later." and left it at that, never talking to her again.

 

I guess I thought maybe she was trying to gauge my interest to see if I got jealous or not. I'm not the jealous type in the first place. I figured if I showed her I could care less, she might wonder and realize her game wasn't working and to just be real about it.

 

2) She tells you that she is going to call you. Then later she IM's you a message to call her.

I thought she was just shy.

 

Huh? Did I miss something here? And you CALL her?! She tested you yet again and you fail the test by actually calling her back! It makes you look like you have no life. She was supposed to call you, and if she didn't call, don't call her back, go out without her, let HER wonder what YOU were up to. She schedualed the call and she failed to deliver but shouldered the responsibility to you, andyou took the bait.

 

3) You ask her out, and then she says, "Sounds good, but I'll let you know what I'm doing this weekend. I might go to that formal in NY. I might be back by Sunday or I might not even go at all. I'm not sure yet, but I'd love to go out with you."

 

Again, I thought she was just bringing game, especially when she said at the end that she would love to go out with me.

 

WHAT?! What kind of answer is that? I understand if maybe she had prior plans but what does she expect here? You to hang on to the plans for her until she decided whether or not she can go?

You asked her out and she gives a big MAYBE. The way to respond here without failing the test is:

 

"Well, that's too bad you have that going on, but no big deal. Maybe we'll talk sometime next week. Anyway, Jim's calling me right now so I'll catch ya later. Have fun and bring me a souvenire(sp?)."

 

That's not even to mention the fact that you left her a message, she got it, but never bothered to return the call? You had to call HER to confirm she even got the message?

 

Forget this broad. There is NO WAY in HELL she would ever get a date with me. I'd have ditched her flakey butt a long time ago. I hope you do the same.

 

Oh well. This is clearly not a loss.

[NewPhillyGuy]

So this girl called me but my ringer was off so I had no clue. I signed online and she says, "hey, I called you earlier. I'm not going away this weekend."

 

hmm

[Lansing]

Yes... I think you should give her a chance.. Make it a casual coffee date or whatever... I wouldn't turn it into a 5 hour all day long thing (shopping at the mall, mini-golf,etc...)

[heythere1234]

Ok, newphillyguy, its so obvious. (ok, maybe it's not that obvious). But she is trying to light a fire under your backside so you'll ask her out! Step to it!

[Venturer]

This girl sounds really flakey... she backed out of a formal in NY a few days before she was supposed to go? How do you think she's gonna treat a 1 hour coffee date? Tsk!

[heythere1234]

Hmmm I just read the first post, flakeyness is not ok with me. movin on...

[NewPhillyGuy]

Hmmm I just read the first post, flakeyness is not ok with me. movin on...

I guess where I'm stuck on whether it's flakeyness or her just playing hard to get very immaturely...

 

I'm leaning toward giving her a chance, because I feel like I'm never gonna figure it out if I don't go out with her. If I go out with her and she continues to flake, at least I won't be wondering cause I will know for sure.

 

I love women.

[heythere1234]

It could be -women do that you know. Need more info, maybe I'll read through this.

[heythere1234]

K-I skimmed through and here is your answer. she definitely either

 

A) Likes you and is waiting for you to stop dragging your slow *ss heels and ask her out and show some interest already!

 

OR

 

B) Thinks you're cute but doesn't really like you that much, but does like having attention, even from guys she doesn't intend to progress further with, and is thereforeeee directly and intentionally leading you on.

 

Let us know which it is!

[NewPhillyGuy]

I know that girls do this, but I really don't understand it. Why waste their own time on someone if they're really not interested? Why not instead put that into someone they really do like? I think you'd have to be pretty desperate for attention to do this...

 

Anyway, so here's the latest. So she called me and I didn't pick up because my ringer was turned off. I guess she saw me online and dropped me an IM "hey, I called you earlier." I was in a really bad mood because of work-related stress and also because of this sitaution, so I was a real a jerk to her in this conversation. She was trying to lighten things up and throw some jokes accross, but I was just very short and at times outright rude. I'm actually surprised she kept talking to me. I wouldn't if I were her.

 

It got to the point that I wasn't saying much, and she asked me if I was going to call her back. I was like, "if you want to talk, you pick up the phone, and you call." I think I finally struck a nerve, so she said, "Ok hope you have a better day tomorrow Bye." I went downstairs to chill with my bro for a bit.

 

So about an hour later I crawl into bed, and my cell phone rings. It's her so I pick up and she says, "I just wanted to say I hope you have a better day tomorrow." I told her I thought her call was thoughtful and I apologized for being a jerk. She then asked if we were still going out this weekend, so I said yes. She said, "Ok, have a good night."

 

Hmmm

 

 

 

 

 

 

K-I skimmed through and here is your answer. she definitely either

 

A) Likes you and is waiting for you to stop dragging your slow *ss heels and ask her out and show some interest already!

 

OR

 

B) Thinks you're cute but doesn't really like you that much, but does like having attention, even from guys she doesn't intend to progress further with, and is thereforeeee directly and intentionally leading you on.

 

Let us know which it is!

[Lansing]

Yeah... see... sometimes people can have bad days on both sides!! That is the problem with analyzing things so closely! Like.. she could be telling her friends about the conversation (or, posting on another forum) and they would probably be like "what a jerk he is.. you don't need him in your life... move on",etc,etc....

 

Sounds almost like you were trying to push her away....

[Dating Coach]

So this girl called me but my ringer was off so I had no clue. I signed online and she says, "hey, I called you earlier. I'm not going away this weekend."

 

hmm

 

I would respond, "Oh that's too bad. I wish you would have told me when I asked because I already made plans. Maybe some other time." and left it at that. If this girl thinks it is okay to play with people's minds, she needs to get burned for it. If I were you I would tell her this and forget her. Maybe in the future she will learn not to play games.

[Dating Coach]

For your previous post about the phone. Chatting on the phone for no other reason than to chat is friendzoned. It does very very little to build rapport and chemistry, especially in comparison to face to face talks. If you are interested in a girl, keep the phone/IM conversations down to a minimum. Use them as tool to set up dates, and that's it.

 

If you spend hours chatting on the phone, you are wasting conversation that you could have in person. When you get together in person, you've robbed yourself of a lot of conversation. It's best for you to use the phone for "business" purposes. Set up the date, and get off the phone. Friends chat, lovers date.

 

 

 

Surprising to me, she was tolerant of your attitude, but you never should have apologized. She didn't ask for an apology so bringing that up out of nowhere was not a good idea. She dropped it, so should you have. If you dwell on the fact that you were a moody spazz then it simply draws more attention to it. Should have let that go.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Diggity,

 

You have a different way of looking at things, and I appreciate your perspective. It will be interesting to see how she acts toward me going forward. While I didn't like her mention of the formal, I suppose it might be reasonable to think she was just bringing game and didn't want me to think I "had" her so quickly. It was just her front, I'm pretty sure. Worst case - I just drop her like a bad habit if it happens again.

 

I may talk on the phone longer depending on my mood and if the conversation is interesting. This girl seems to be the type that likes conversation on the phone. She's been calling me almost everyday, and didn't take it too well when I didn't call her back. I'm thinking she will probably react badly if I don't talk to her for at least a few minutes, so keeping it strictly "business" may not work for her. I also think alot of girls would feel the guy isn't interested if he refuses to talk to her. However, I do agree and have been in the situation before where if you talk too much on the phone, you've got dead air during the date and it feels awkward.

 

I don't think there was anything wrong with apologizing. I was wrong in the first place for acting like a moron, so that was the next best thing I could have done. I didn't dwell on it, but just said I was sorry and that was that.

 

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for your replies.

[Dating Coach]

I may talk on the phone longer depending on my mood and if the conversation is interesting. This girl seems to be the type that likes conversation on the phone. She's been calling me almost everyday, and didn't take it too well when I didn't call her back. I'm thinking she will probably react badly if I don't talk to her for at least a few minutes, so keeping it strictly "business" may not work for her.

 

So what you are saying is that you are going to conform to her standards and how she likes things because you don't want her to "react badly". Are you saying that you can't see the problem here?

 

I am beginning to see signs of a doormat here. I also think you are being completely misleading to us. Earlier you put up this front that you really didn't care one way or another with this girl, yet here you are posting about her on the internet, putting up with silly "games", calling her back when she says so, chatting with her on IM, and doing what she wants because you don't want her to react badly. I think you are more wrapped up in this girl than you let on.

 

What exactly is "react badly" anyway. If she calls, and you talk for a couple of minutes and say, "Well hey, I am not big on phone conversations, let's meet up. Meet me at Starbucks off of Main Street at 3 PM, I'll buy you a Moca." what is going to be her "bad reaction"? What if she calls you and you simply tell her that you're tired, or that you are busy and you can't talk all night long. How is she going to "react badly"? If she can't take the fact that you aren't going to be available to her any second she wants, then that just shows that she isn't worth a second more of your time. That's a selfish person right there.

 

Talking in person should be the number 1 agenda for "chatting" because, as I said, it builds more rapport and chemistry. Plus, chatting for no reason over the phone all day steals from "in person" conversation, and also leads to "friendzoned". She talks to her girlfriends on the phone all day. You're far too available for her. Where's the mystery? Where's the challenge?

 

But so far, the biggest thing I notice is that you are forming your actions around what she likes and dislikes because you want to please her, and that is a big red flag for becoming a doormat. If you want to do something and she will get mad about it, that's her problem. She won't respect you if you confrom to what she wants all of the time and keep putting yourself in the backseat. It shows self confidence and self respect to do what you want, even if it may cost you a battle or two. I am not saying to be selfish all of the time, but to try to conform all of the time will cost you respect from others-even if it is "nice".

 

I also think alot of girls would feel the guy isn't interested if he refuses to talk to her.

 

Wait, so now you are saying that you are worried if she knows you are interested or not? Then what was with that comment earlier, "You should go with that guy then". I think you are starting to make excuses here. Have you really come to this website asking for help or are you just venting because so far you have been contradicting yourself on several occasions and you have yet to actually change anything.

 

Personally, if you are really concerned about her knowing that you are interested, you would ask her out on a romantic date right away and get her answer pronto. She MUST know it is not a "friend date" but a real one.

 

I don't think there was anything wrong with apologizing. I was wrong in the first place for acting like a moron, so that was the next best thing I could have done. I didn't dwell on it, but just said I was sorry and that was that.

 

You missed the point. People can apologize if necessary, and if it is appropriate. In your case it wasn't. You didn't do anything that wrong to warrant an apology. You told her she can call you if she wants to talk. Big deal. She can. She has been telling you to call her all day long, what is such a big deal about telling her to call you?

She obviously didn't make a big deal about it since she called you later and didn't even mention it, so it was completely unnecessary to "cover your tracks" and apologize for yourself. It was a very minute detail. I think bringing it up again and apologizing for such a small detail could have more potential damage then just letting it go like she did.

[DN]

Well, I guess the proof of who is right will emerge over the next few days. Good luck with how things go - it will be interesting to see how she reacts to the way you are handling things.

 

I found it interesting that she asked if you were still taking her out - seems she got the message that you weren't impressed. Maybe you are doing something right after all.

[heythere1234]

I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but I think you've (well both of you) been kind of odd about this situation. She was flirting with you, you didn't ask her out. You need to ask her out, or she'll think you're not interested and put you in the friend category. I don't know it was weird her talking about that other guy but it may have been a desperate attempt to get you to take action. It may be too late. Try not to be too moody with women, just tell her you're not in a good mood and you'll talk to her later.

[Dating Coach]

I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but I think you've (well both of you) been kind of odd about this situation. She was flirting with you, you didn't ask her out. You need to ask her out, or she'll think you're not interested and put you in the friend category. I don't know it was weird her talking about that other guy but it may have been a desperate attempt to get you to take action. It may be too late. Try not to be too moody with women, just tell her you're not in a good mood and you'll talk to her later.

 

I agree. I don't know if the ages of these two have been posted but to me it seems very high schoolish. I couldn't imagine having a relationship with someone start off like this at this point in my life. I would move on and forget a girl who acted the way she has. Too much confusion, too much drama.

 

Bottom line, he needs to get to the point and ask her out now before it's too late.

[heythere1234]

Bottom line, he needs to get to the point and ask her out now before it's too late.

 

Agreed!! Always a good idea!

[NewPhillyGuy]

Agreed!! Always a good idea!

 

I already did on Sat and we're going out this coming Sunday.

[heythere1234]

Ok, then maybe you two can salvage this, just don't act too Platonic--its the kiss of death, lol.

[Dating Coach]

I don't think it was a clear romantic date though, was it? It's definitely a step in the right direction, but could she still be looking at this as a "friend date"? Plus, I didn't like her reaction. Too many games, and that's immature.

[DN]

I already did on Sat and we're going out this coming Sunday.

 

Have a great time and enjoy yourself. If it doesn't work out it's no big deal and at least you tried. Sometimes a good relationship can grow out of a rocky start and so long as you don't over-analyse everything or try to act in a way that is not natural for you, it may well be ok.