Am I wrong to be upset? Not sure how to feel.

[Blue_Eyed_Girl]

I have feeling this will be a very long post. I don't really expect people to read it all but I feel like I have so much pent up that I need to get out.

 

I am seventeen and the oldest of four. My siblings are seven, nine, and fourteen. My mother is twice divorced and her last divorce happened about 3 years ago. This is about her I am very angry at her for many many reasons and at the same time I feel very sorry for her and at the same time I feel sorry for her. I am very non-confrontational and essentially have been trying to make her feel better constantly even though I just want to scream at her and tell her she is a terrible mother and should get her priorities fixed.

 

Let me explain.

 

My older sister is from her first marriage as am I. She has joint custody with my biological father. Since she has been divorced for the second time she has been dating and going away with guys on weekends and because my sister is not legally old enough to be left along for weekends at a time while she goes away my sister has been told that she should only come over when my younger siblings are over at her house. Since my sister has only one set of clothes and stuff like that she has as a result been forced to pack up her stuff and move completely for five days of staying at my mom's house out of every two weeks. My sister asked because she hated this arrangement to be able to move every other month and stay for a full month. My mother refused this arrangement and told my sister bluntly that she needs a break from her and from her other children. As a result my sister now resides 100% at my father's and I reside mostly at my mother's although I visit my father occasionally.

 

As far as my youngest siblings she completely ignores them. She takes week days off when they are gone to go out of town to visit her recently split boyfriend out of town. Then to compensate for the days she has taken off she works every weekend that they are staying at her house leaving me to baby-sit all day on weekends they are there. This I don't mind but what I find sad is that on the weekends that I don't baby-sit then they are sad and ask me to stay and hang out with them because she pays no attention to them whatsoever.

 

As far as me she is completely ignorant. She takes off for weekends at a time and in general has no clue or care what I am doing. I'm not complaining about freedom but honestly she really doesn't care at all. She doesn't ask to see my report card she doesn't talk to me unless she is upset about something and wants someone to make her feel better. Recently when my step dad was over he asked me what I was taking next year at university and I told him I was taking biomedical science and got early acceptance a week after I applied. My mother was surprised and commented she thought I was taking computer science. She had no idea what I was taking or that I even got in to university despite I had told her many times and even asked to use her credit card for the online university application process.

 

What's worse is that apart from completely ignoring them and not taking part in their school or schoolwork she has been attempting to blame the fact that my brother is not performing well in school on a learning disorder instead of the fact that she never does homework with him and interacts with him. Also despite that fact that my step dad and his father is a clinical psychologist and strongly disagrees with this. I was treated similarly when I was younger and I didn't learn to read very well because I was with my mother most of the time after the divorce since she accused my dad of abuse after the divorce (blatant lie). Eventually she decided she would rather not have us all the time and dropped the whole thing and sent us to our dad's house. Anyway, she sent me to what seemed like ages of psychological testing to see if I had a learning disorder and in he end the only real conclusion was that I was mildly gifted. I am now a straight A student and I know beyond all doubt that I never did really have a problem.

 

She also has had a way of victimizing herself and making sure nothing can be blamed on her for every situation in her life. What's worse is for no reason she tells horrible things to me and my siblings that are in reality wildly inappropriate. To me and my sister she has said that my own father was "verbally abusive" to her and that she was forced away. I know my father. Yes my parents did argue but my father does not yell and he initiated no more arguments that she did. Yet she has gone so far as to say that she is worried me and my sister will be unable to love because of his influence. Furthermore she has gone on to say that my stepfather was repressing her and forcing to be someone she isn't and that he was argumentive and abusive verbally. In this case I was more than old enough to be able to watch that divorce happen step by step. My step dad to start is the MOST gentle and non-confrontive person I have ever met. He is conservative and old fashion and he worries a lot but none of those things could be considering repressing her. Furthermore I have never seen him even raise his voice or really argue ever in fact I can recall innumerable occasion where my mother would get upset over something and just start screaming at him and all the while he would nod and apologize. Finally this upset me because she said it to my youngest two siblings and they have no reason to hear this. Her last long term boyfriend of 2 years who broke up with her two weeks ago she claimed was unable to love anyone because his father didn't say he loved him enough when he was little and when on about how some people are defective and unable to love.

 

What's more is she is incredibly and almost unimaginably selfish. She is receiving support from my step dad despite the fact he actually has a smaller house and worse car and in general less money than her. He work until late at night and works every weekend he does not have his kids. She has recently purchased a brand new car. She makes my two youngest siblings share a room and me and my sister share a room so she can rent out all the extra rooms in the house to students. She rents out three rooms upstairs and our basement to a family of three. She works full time at a well paying job. Yet she claims she has no money whatsoever she spends no money whatsoever on me or any of my siblings. That includes practically everything in my case because I work. I buy my own clothes, shampoo, etc. Also she gives me twenty-five dollars a week and I buy my own groceries although I almost always spend more. This is because I am vegetarian and she won't shop for vegetarian food and thinks if she does she will spend more money than if I budget it myself. This especially annoys me because she used to be vegetarian before she started going out with this guy but because he likes meat she now has constantly been serving meat even though he does not live with us. I know she does have money for many reasons including the fact that when she was with her boyfriend she went away every other weekend to Ottawa with him. Also she has recently purchased a new car, computer, digital camera, $500 dollar cell phone, $60 dollars a month gym membership, spends a ridiculous amount on make-up and stuff like that, completely redecorated her bedroom. Yet she claims she has no money. Recently when I was raising money she a charity for children's disabilities she claimed she did not have five dollars to give. She dresses my sibling in cheap clothes and much of them are wrecked.

 

A few months ago though I found out a year ago she had put the down payment on a house besides our own which she is renting. She did not tell me about it previously but I found out accidentally when one of the tenants contacted her while she was gone and I answered the phone. She told me not to tell anyone I have not done so since. Despite me finding this out she has still been claiming she has no money. Although not but a week ago she mention to me she was spending $4000 to get laser eye surgery because she had been putting away $600 per month to go on a vacation with her boyfriend (and not her children) but they broke up so she now is spending it on laser eye surgery (she has OK eyesight and needs glasses for distance but can function everyday ok without them).

 

Finally last night she told me not to come home until late because she was having a guy over. When I got home she was upset and cry because the guy stood her up. I comforted her for a while and then she said she had called her friend (male) to come over because she was upset. This was the same person she claims is just her friend although I walked in on her sleeping with him when she was in another relationship. After I spent a while talking to her and trying to make her feel better he showed up. I came by her room later to ask her something and when I knocked she opened the door and I could tell she was topless at the very least.

 

Just now I opened to fridge and noticed a tub of ice-cream she had bought for her date. She refuses to buy ice-cream for my youngest siblings because it is "too expensive". Furthermore she had made pizza and baked brownies. I can't even recall her making brownies or and other treated for my siblings in ages. When I look around the house it is clean for the first time in months as normally she leaves in fairly intolerably dirty. I feel so sorry for her for trying so hard and being disappointed but at the same time I am so angry for that fact she couldn't lift a finger for my youngest siblings.

 

Sorry that was very very long I will be amazed if anyone reads all of that. I just need to put my feelings in words.

[DN]

I read it all and am amazed that someone could be that selfish. I can't suggest any way to deal with her because I don't think anything would work that is legal.

 

I guess all you can do is tough it out and leave as soon as you can - maybe go live with your Dad if that is an option? Or even your step dad?

 

Use her as an object lesson in how not tot behave. I would not blame you at all if you cut off contact with her once you are able to leave.

[itsallgrand]

I read it all too and I am blown away. What a lot to be carrying on your shoulders at 17!

 

You should feel very proud of yourself for how well you are doing. You come accross as such an intelligent,caring and responsible young woman. I sincerely hope all your dreams come true and you do make it to university.

 

You mom is acting very selfishly from what you have posted. I could actually feel my blood pressure rising. Obviously, she is struggling with her own problems and is unable to adequately care for all of you. That makes me incredibly sad.

 

I personally grew up in a household dominated by an alcoholic mother. I have a younger sibling, and at your age I was in much a similiar situation. My father passed away when I was pre-teen - my mother was running around town or bringing boyfriends home.

 

Reach out to all the adults you trust and create a strong support system for yourself of advisors and helpers. I could understand that you may be concerned about your siblings and what would happen if you leave for university - a responsibility you should not be burdened with, but yet is your reality. You stepfather sounds like a good one to turn to, and your father.

 

I'm sorry you are facing all this. Vent here as much as you like. I hope things look better soon.

[fishrrshortae]

Surprised that this long post held my attention! I feel sorry for your mother. She seems like a very lonely, miserable person. I am sorry you are going through this. The best thing I can say is, you have a right to be angry. Perhaps you should talk to her about it, but don't expect much to come of it. The best thing you can do is shield your siblings from her; ie. do what you can for them, when you can, because they are surely as disappointed as you are -- or they will be soon.

Good luck!