Chronic Lateness

[truckerbabe]

My bf owns his business and works long hours which is fine with me... but he is ALWAYS late when we have plans to meet up. I'm not talking 15 mins... I'm talking atleast 2 hours +. It is very frustrating since he will give me a time to meet him and I sit there waiting for him for hours upon hours until he shows up. Yesterday was 6.5 hours I spent waiting for him at home.

 

I have told him I have no problem with him working late and I totally understand... I've spoken to him about it... he knows how I feel... he knows what he is doing to me and how much it hurts, but he can't seem to show up on time for anything BUT work.

 

What do I do?

[tylercdurden2004]

sounds very disrespetful to me. Are you guys setting clear "dates" ie what time you are to meet at, or are you just waiting for him to show up?

[truckerbabe]

Ok, ok so I was just thinking about it & reading a few things on the net...

 

I am always on time... with even minutes to spare just incase I get held up in traffic, or need to fill up on gas... so what I'm going to have to do is learn NOT to wait around for him. I know what he's like, I know he won't change... so I guess I'm just gonna have to go out and do my own thing.

 

I will NOT wait around for him anymore because chronic lateness is a sign of control. My time is just as important as his so that is just what I'm going to have to do or he gets the best of me by being able to do what he wants & still come home to me waiting there for him.

 

Ok, guess my new question is... how do I learn NOT to wait around for him? lol.

[truckerbabe]

sounds very disrespetful to me. Are you guys setting clear "dates" ie what time you are to meet at, or are you just waiting for him to show up?

The funny thing is, I told him a while ago that I am not going to set any more times... so the time we are to meet is the time HE gives me. Last friday he told me to give him a time so I said 8pm... he says "that late? How about 6pm?" so I said ok... waited around for him till almost 9.

[coollady1957]

I am sure is gets quite frustrating with all the waiting and him always being late. I could not deal with that myself when it is that chronic like you described.

 

What kind of work does this man do, that prevents him from keeping good timing for your dates?

[tylercdurden2004]

Do something to keep your schedule busy. Find new hobbies sports etc. Absolutely take control and set a time and set boundries. Do not let him walk all over you like this. If its a matter of him being flaky and a few minutes late it might something you can live with. Then you can just arrive 15 mins late everytime yourself and you two will always "be on time". I do this with some of my friends who I know will always be at least 30 mins late. I tell them to meet earlier than I plan to be there. If its upwards of a couple of hours I would have the following questions:

 

1) Why is he disrespectful?

2) Why is he unable to keep a promise to yourself? Is this a red flag?

 

Not setting boundaries is the opposite of what you want. You wan thim to be on time or else you wouldnt post here.

[arwen]

Hey Truckerbabe,

 

This is a difficult situation, since you already told him how you feel. I don't understand, is he late for other reasons than work, or does he let you know if he's gonna be late? It's very hard to have your own business. My father has his own company, but since this was first in our home, and later in the same street, we always saw him a lot. Yet it's completely normal for my father to work 16 hour days.

 

Does he own a sort of business that you can help him with, so you can support him AND spend time with you? How is his business going, is he struggling, and does he need these hourse to survive (financially and business-wise)?

 

Under any of those circumstances, it's still normal to involve you when you are supposed to meet. It's not fair that you are waiting at home for such a long time, but did you call him in those 6 hours? Or go by his business?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[arwen]

Ok, so my response was really late, and a lot of information has been added lol. I think you should indeed try to do other things and not plan your schedule around his. I have made that mistake in a previous relationship, and was very unhappy, basing my whole life on his. However, it's his lack of communication that helped you get at that point. You are obviously more committed to the relationship, and he is more committed to his business. He needs to set his priorities, and you need to tell him exactly that.

 

Ilse

[tylercdurden2004]

Ok, so my response was really late, and a lot of information has been added lol. I think you should indeed try to do other things and not plan your schedule around his. I have made that mistake in a previous relationship, and was very unhappy, basing my whole life on his. However, it's his lack of communication that helped you get at that point. You are obviously more committed to the relationship, and he is more committed to his business. He needs to set his priorities, and you need to tell him exactly that.

 

Ilse

Ultimatum time!

[shes2smart]

Assuming you've spoken to him about it, here's a couple of suggestions for actions. (Which, as the saying goes are louder than words)

 

>If you agree to meet for dinner at 6pm, wait until 6:20 (20 minutes is generally reasonable in most situations for most people). At that time, you go ahead and have dinner without him. Let him fend for himself when he does show up.

 

>My husband's grandmother used to do this...she'd tell everyone different times for the holiday gatherings --- depending on the individual's track record for showing up on time or late. Let's say she wanted everyone at her house at 4pm. The "on time" people would be told 4pm. The "chronically late" people would be told dinner was at 2pm. This can work if no one talks to anyone else, which they didn't in that family. The chronically late people were told 2, and they'd come strolling in at 4...exactly on time, but unbeknownst to them.

 

The idea is to not hand over the power to him by allowing him to make you wait. If you agree to a specific time, and he's not there...you go on with the plans on your own. If he sees that you will no longer be kept waiting, he may start showing a little more effort to keep his word. At the very least, you won't have to spend anymore time cooling your heels waiting for dinner.

 

I agree with Tyler...it is disrespectful on his part. If he can't give a relationship with you the time/attention it deserves...nay, NEEDS to survive, then perhaps he needs to get honest with himself about whether being in a relationship is really a priority for him at this time in his life. You don't need to wait around for him to make that decision, either...if he keeps treating you as last on the list, you may want to consider some other options.

[miracle29]

First thing you do is "STOP" waiting for him. You get some pride and have some rules and stick by them. If he's two hours late and his only punishment is you being there when he decides its convienent for him to arrive is not going to solve the problem. You need to turn thing around a bit. Stop waiting for him and in fact...one day tell him you're coming to see him ...and NEVER SHOW. He wont like this, and it will show him just a taste of what you're dealing with. Try that and then if he's more than 15mins late...leave. If not...he'll never stop this.

 

In fact you may need to look into why he is alway "2hrs" late. Make sure he is not living two lives here. Be careful. And if its just him being disrespectful and selfish then give him a dose of his own tardy medicine.

[annie24]

I agree!

 

Good points - yes, is he living a double life?

 

The other thing is, he KNOWS that you put up with him being hours and hours late. You are part of the problem, and solution, may I add.

 

I agree with S2S. Wait 20 minutes. If he's not there, go off, watch a movie, go to the gym, do something else. Assume the plans are off, and go off and do your own thing.

 

Right now, you have him trained that you will wait 6 or more hours for him to show up. You can't let this behavior continue (as you know).

 

I think if you put your foot down, and he really cares about you, he'll suddenly start showing up on time.

 

If he keeps doing it, it may be a sign that he isn't as invested in the relationship as you are.

 

Being a business owner is not an excuse. When he has meetings with clients, is he 6 hours late??? Probably not. If he can show up to those meetings on time, he can meet you on time also.

[renaissancewoman101]

My best friend is always late like the person the OP was talking about. That is one thing that gets me really hot under the collar and I have picked fights with him over his lateness. But, he is late all the time everywhere and with everybody. He is late for work a lot of times. Just last Monday, he had to be down in San Diego for a business conference by 9 AM. He was three hours late to that. He's even late when meeting up with his bf or having his bf pick him up. I have just come to the realization that he is ALWAYS LATE. Now, when I do pick him up, I usually assume he will be at least an hour late, so when he says pick him up at 4 PM, I wont show up until 4:30. I just ASSUME he will be late. Then on the days he ISNT late, which is RARE, he says I'm late and I dont care about him.

 

Guess you cant make everybody happy.

[truckerbabe]

Wow, thank you so much for all the great advice!! Tonight he was going to help me with a couple things but I told him I would just handle them and went about things on my own. It felt good not to be waiting for him.

 

I love him dearly and he treats me like absolute GOLD... except for the habitual lateness. I guess sometimes I feel maybe he thinks my time isn't as important as his is.

 

What kind of work does this man do, that prevents him from keeping good timing for your dates?

He builds trucks so he is very busy (especially around now since everyone wants to go wheeling for May Long weekend). Buddies always stop by the shop and bring beer... just to shoot the * * * * and have a couple drinks so most of the evenings are spent with them because he is too nice to tell him he has to get work done or that he has to go home.

 

Do something to keep your schedule busy. Find new hobbies sports etc.

Thats the thing... I'm extremely busy but I make sure I finish everything I have to do when we are supposed to meet so I have time to be with him. I have lots of hobbies and definitely a lot of time I can spend doing things, so keeping myself busy is never a problem hehe.

 

I don't understand, is he late for other reasons than work, or does he let you know if he's gonna be late?

It's usually almost always work and yeah he does call me if he's gonna be late... but usually it's an hour after the fact he was supposed to meet me when he calls and says he just has to finish a few things and he'll be home... then a few more hours pass....

 

Does he own a sort of business that you can help him with, so you can support him AND spend time with you? How is his business going, is he struggling, and does he need these hourse to survive (financially and business-wise)?

I can definitely help him out and I do when I can, but right now I'm training for a fitness show so I'm extremely busy myself and don't have much time outside of my fulltime job, training in the gym and cooking my meals. His business is doing well... almost too well. They only have 3 of them working there so they are quite swamped with work and can't really afford to pay any new hires. I offered to help him more when I'm finished my training and have a bit more time on my plate.

 

The idea is to not hand over the power to him by allowing him to make you wait. If you agree to a specific time, and he's not there...you go on with the plans on your own. If he sees that you will no longer be kept waiting, he may start showing a little more effort to keep his word. At the very least, you won't have to spend anymore time cooling your heels waiting for dinner.

Excellent point... thank you.

 

 

First thing you do is "STOP" waiting for him. You get some pride and have some rules and stick by them. If he's two hours late and his only punishment is you being there when he decides its convienent for him to arrive is not going to solve the problem. You need to turn thing around a bit. Stop waiting for him and in fact...one day tell him you're coming to see him ...and NEVER SHOW. He wont like this, and it will show him just a taste of what you're dealing with. Try that and then if he's more than 15mins late...leave. If not...he'll never stop this.

Another excellent point. I just might have to try that!

 

Good points - yes, is he living a double life?

I know for a fact he is definitely not leading a double life. I trust him with all my heart.

[miracle29]

Just because you trust him, doesnt mean he's trustworthy. THOUGH...i hope for your sake that he is. However sometimes we as women deny the truth and the facts that are right in front of us, because it hurts too much to face the truth. Make sure you're not being blinded to some obvious indescretions on his part.

 

If he is trustworthy and you know this for 100%, then i'm happy for you that the only real issue this man has is lack of respect for time. He can still be taught a little lesson by you doing it to him. Nothing too harsh just a slight change in your personality should work.

 

Good Luck.

[truckerbabe]

Thank you for your concern, but he is not unfaithful to me.... he simply works long hours. There are still decent men in the world that dont always think with the little brain haha.

[miracle29]

Good for you...but cronic lateness isnt a laughing matter. You have to figure out how to nip it in the bud.

 

I also know that ALL men don't cheat...just like ALL women don't cheat. Which is why i posted months ago about giving credit for the good men/women out there. You should (if you have time ) post what you said to other women. It would give them hope. Also some men.

[RayKay]

Chronic lateness is my pet peeve. I am a very punctual person, I HATE being late for things as to me it is about respect for the other person(s) and being organized. Someone whom is chronically late shows in my opinion great disrespect. I am always very upfront about it early on that I really value someone whom is true to their word, even concerning time. I DO appreciate things pop up, but that is what the phone is for, and it should not be a habitual thing. 5 minutes is also not what I consider "late" but when we talk an hour, two hours or more...that's a major issue!

 

I can say this - I would NEVER wait around for someone whom is 6.5 hours late - EVER! Can you imagine if he did that to a client for example? On your side, would you sit around waiting for a client that long? Would a judge at one of your competitions sit around waiting for you for 20 minutes, never mind 6.5 hours?

 

You have to SHOW him your time is important and that you are not going to sit around waiting for him. Next time he is 2 or 3 hours late, you should already be gone by the time he gets there. Leave a post it on the door saying you decided to go out with your girl friends since he was not around and you will talk to him tomorrow for example.

 

Try that, and see what happens. If he is habitually doing it though, it may be time to wonder if this is something you can handle for the rest of your life. What about if you got married and had babies...would you be thrilled after having a colicky baby all day on your hip, and making a hot dinner, to have him wander in 4 hours late?

 

He may not be cheating, but at the same time he is not putting much value on YOUR time.