Husband won't initiate sex anymore

[heavensent]

My husband used to want me ALL the time and I swear he would try to initiate sex with me about 3 times a day. I work full time and I'm a full time college student as well so I go to the point where I would come home at night and just be tired and not want to have sex so when he would try I would say "not tonight honey." He got to the point where he just stopped trying to do anything with me...so for the past 2 weeks I have been the one to initiate sex. It's sort of fun for me because I have the time to dress up in a sexy little outfit or lingerie before he starts seducing me...for the past week or so we have done it every night but ONLY because I initiate it. Last night I decided NOT to seduce him in any way to see what he would do. He didn't do ANYTHING. I talked to him about it and told him that he is not making me feel sexy or wanted when he doesn't ever initiate anything and I'm always having to seduce him. He told me that he doesn't know what's wrong with him but he felt so rejected everytime I said no that he just stopped trying and now he can't get his drive back..he only gets in the mood when I make him in the mood. How can I help him get over this? I'm starting to get sick of being the one who always has to turn him on...I thin he should get turned on on his own just by looking at me or feeling my skin, I shouldn't have to seduce him to dress riskay to get him to want me.

[venus777]

well, how long did he have to initiate things with you?? i say initiate things with him for about the same time and see how you feel, maybe by then you can understand what he is going through. then of course, he might be initiating. i dunno.

[RayKay]

I can see where he is coming from...after hearing 'not tonight honey' and feeling rejected for a period of time and not having your interest returned, you DO lose your libido and your interest.

 

I find it interesting that you say "you always have to seduce him" now, but you have to recognize HE felt that way not that long ago, right? But not only did he have to seduce, he got turned down. And not you are turning on him because of one night?

 

 

But that's not the way it works - sex and libido depend very much on the emotional and mental aspects. After being rejected many times, his emotional readiness is probably not there, so he's not going to get turned on just like that.

 

It's good you have communicated about it, but I think you both have to move past blaming each other, or saying who did worse then who, and work on finding that connection again - and by this I mean focusing on the emotional as much as the physical. Have date nights, without the pressure of sex, connect with one another, laugh together, and the sex will follow.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Heavensent, welcome to the flipside.

 

You were probably the one, just a few months ago, asking for compassion from others because, "why can't he just understand its not personal, I'm just exhausted?"

 

Its hard to see from someone else's perspective because we, people, are very egocentric. But here you have a rare opportunity to see and feel things that someone else very close to you has experienced.

 

I'm not meaning to be harsh, but I suggest you take advantage of the opportunity to empathize with your husband. Ask him, "is this how you felt?" It may be a unique time for you two to re-connect emotionally and build back some of those necessary emotions RayKay mentioned.

[PocoDiablo]

He told me that he doesn't know what's wrong with him but he felt so rejected everytime I said no that he just stopped trying and now he can't get his drive back..he only gets in the mood when I make him in the mood. How can I help him get over this? I'm starting to get sick of being the one who always has to turn him on...I thin he should get turned on on his own just by looking at me or feeling my skin, I shouldn't have to seduce him to dress riskay to get him to want me.

Not to be harsh here, but this is how things were with my ex-wife. After trying to seduce her for years I finally gave up. It got to the point where I was not attracted to her any more and that was pretty much that. Of course, after that she did exactly what you did. It just didn't work. She essentially made herself out to be completely non-sexual and I felt like I was living with my sister. I had absolutely no desire to be with her sexually, as if I had learned it would be no good. On top of that was the fact that she was very rarely turned on, so sex was bad, or I'd end up hurting her (she had a tipped uterus) so sex would rarely last long or be fulfilling for me. In fact, I rarely got off. Not trying to sound selfish, but when she got off nearly every time and I didn't ... yeah, now I know how most women feel when they say that about their men!

 

How do you fix it? I don't know, I ended up divorcing her. I would say not to have turned him down so often, even with everything going on. I really don't know what else would have worked. You might try playing games where you go out to a bar and call him and tell him he has to come try to pick you up at the bar, like you are a stranger? Something different? Act like someone else.

 

Remember, *generally* speaking men fantasize about strangers, so if you pretend to be someone else it's a challenge. Hence the nurse costume, cheerleader outfit, etc.

 

For reference, we tried having an open relationship (which was interesting because of course I was attracted to other women and she got hurt over that) and then she ended up cheating on me (I know, ironic and weird to say coming from an open relationship) so we got divorced.

[PocoDiablo]

Oh, I should add, for *me* if she were to have EVER gone down on me or grabbed my member that would have been a huge turn on. However, she never once did that...

[heavensent]

Poco,

I think my situation is very different than yours. Our sex is AMAZING...it has been incredible even with me initiating it..there has not been one time that he has not gotten off.. EVER in our entire relationship. We go for hours sometimes and try plenty different and new positions..I dress up in lingerie and in sexy outfits..I strip for him..it's very interesting and not boring in the bedroom. He just waits now for ME to do the turning on, when I want him to do the turning on sometimes. It's a two way street and I love initiating it sometimes, just not ALL the time. Anyway, just wanted to add that the SEX is not the problem at all...it's the initiating of it.

[heavensent]

I also want to add that almost every time I was not in the mood for sex, I would go down on him and get him off that way...he loved it. I would put a skirt on for him and hike it up really short and let him watch in the mirror...it was a fast way to please my man when I wasn't physically in the mood for sex. I always took care of him and pleased him sexually.

[DN]

Maybe you need to set some guidelines. For instance - you have to take turns initiating. But if the other partner turns it down for some reason, they have to initiate the next time. Two rejections in a row and you have to initiate the next five times (barring illness or some other really genuine reason).

 

Make the initiating part of the game and it has to be imaginative - say every other time, rather than just "how about it?" .

[floridaguy]

heavensent,

 

I have had experience with both sides of your situation. My exgirlfriend tried to initiate sex with me but I turned her down because I didn't love or want her anymore which is different from your situation. I wouldn't worry about one night to much he might have been tired.

 

Now I am married and my wife never initiates sex and I am turned down so much it is driving us apart. We have had sex 3 times since August. I just thought I would share some of my experiences.

 

Your boyfriend is a LUCKY guy. You please him even if your tired or not. I would love my wife to just please me somehow even if she is to tired or not.

[redhook]

I can see where he is coming from. It can bruise the male ego to be turned down and in turn make a man fearful of trying again. I got to the point with my ex that I thought it was a frivolous effort and didn't want to be all turned on just to get rejected. Give it time and communicate feelings. Communication wiil be key in dealing with this issue. Good luck.

[PocoDiablo]

Your boyfriend is a LUCKY guy. You please him even if your tired or not. I would love my wife to just please me somehow even if she is to tired or not.

Um yeah, with that clarification I'd have to agree. This is totally not the same thing.

 

What to do? Spank him?

[rnorth]

Send him subtle hints that you are interested but let him start meeting you partway on the bridge. Maybe to begin with, you go most of the way in initiating sex and then gradually go a little less far each time.

 

Make it a game. See how far you need to go to get him to "bridge the gap". Have fun with it.

[heavensent]

Well a few days ago he was unloading groceries from the car so while he was doing that I went and slipping into a mini skirt and some heels (he loves me in nothing but heels) and then I went in the kitchen and started to cook...after he saw me in that he got really aroused and started kissing me..but I still look at that as ME initiating it because I'm the one who went and got in a skimpy outfit to turn him on...I'd like him to do that WITHOUT me having to lure him into it..does that make sense?

[rnorth]

I would not take it that way. Women have a lot of control in the sex department and it seems like you once became aware of your "sexual mortality" and its leaving you feeling vulnerable. I don't think you want to turn this into a situation where you are both keeping score. Just enjoY!!!!

[heavensent]

Just a little update - I guess I was making a big deal out of nothing. I thought that telling my husband how I felt wouldn't go very far so that's why I came here for advice but it looks like talking to him worked. Yesterday when I got home from work he immediately greeted me at the door and pushed me up against the wall...we made very passionate love and it was amazing! Most of all, I really felt sexy and wanted again. I told him I wouldn't keep track of who initiated it but that we both need to make an effort to make the first move into turning eachother on, it can't be one-sided anymore..he agreed and I think things will be perfect from now on. *crosses fingers*

[venus777]

congratulations!! way to take your relationship up to the next level!!!

[Emerged]

I can totally identify...

 

My partner hasn't initiated sex in over 4 months... He came back from a relaxing vacation and we had a spike of activity, then he returned to his hectic job situation and it all went bye bye... again.

 

If I initiate, set the stage, or even just ask it happens. When it happens it's great, fantastic, every time. But this one-sided thing is driving me crazy! It was more 50/50 in the beginning of our relationship. Then I noticed I was the one always having to ask or make the moves. The worst was on his birthday about a year ago...

 

I got myself all readied, washed, primed, and dressed in an outfit that was easy access. Then we went to the movies, seats far away from everyone else, and I tried sliding his hand up my leg... (he has a little repressed exhibitionist streak). He copped a feel and then pulled away... That was that. When we got to the car I opened my clothes and put his hand in my lap, to which he responded by saying "stop it" like I'd done something wrong...

 

Needless to say I was angry and devistated. We had a fight over it. After a couple of weeks of me going nuts with paranoia, "is he cheating on me"? and checking his computer/email I was put at ease. (And I know it wasn't the nicest thing to do by invading his privacy but talking had no effect whatsoever) and I knew if he was getting it somewhere else he wouldn't admit it.

 

So anyway, things calmed down a bit. We did it infrequently when I initiated it 90% of the time. Then, like I said, he came back from a vacation more centered and calmed than he's been in ages and we had a wonderful time for a week or two. That was about 4 months ago... I've tried initiating (very subtly) which he just doesn't seem to pick up on at all. I even asked him to join me in a bath but, well, he declined, didn't seem to "get" my drift...

 

I've talked to him about my feelings and listened to his. It seems he's carrying some baggage fears/insecurities from his past and emotionally reacts to those rather than me and the present situation... He completely refuses to go into the deeper issues or details at all. If I push it gets a bad reaction.

 

So, here we are. I'm feeling like we're drifting farther and farther apart, feeling insecure, feeling like I'm unattractive or somethings wrong with me. We have a great life, we're great partners with one another, but it's like there's this big pink elephant in our living room and neither of us aknowledges it.

 

I'm hoping that with his change of job (he's had a horrible work situation since we met and is now leaving the place) that he'll calm down and we may get a little more 50-50 going. If not then I guess it's off to couples therapy...

 

-Emerged

[wexmen]

first, he might be so respect and thougthful.( he knew you were tired and avoid him.)

 

second, you might have hurted him, i mean the unplesanted feeling of being rejected for having sex. so he prefer waiting for your request to constantly ask for it.