Get Over It!

[Liveforthem]

I have been married to a wonderfull man for 3 years and have two wondeful kids by another man. but you would think that was the problem I would have to deal with not this time, I found out a few days before our 3 year anniversary that hed had been looking at Porn on the internet and I have tried to forgive him but just can't seem to forget it or get past it evry time he touches me I can't help but to wonder what might be going though his head. I live for him and my Kids but I just don't know how to get past this. I should be a bit more clear I am not fualting him I feel it is 110 percent my bad but I don't know what was wrong with me he felt he had to hide it from me I am VERYopen minded ,it's sneaking and hiding it and not telling me what he wanted when I ask if there is anything he wants over and over. I just feel defective.

[winkie]

I think you are overreacting this man is married to you and you have two kids from another man....did you ever wonder what went through his head when he was first with you PROBABLY nothing because he could look past your faults and concentrate on the positive things about you. NOT many guys would marry someone with 2 kids. I think that if he likes porn it does not make him a bad guy.........guys do like that kind of stuff dont get confused with the things that women like. Men and Women are different do not let this ruin something good that you have.

[kdreger]

I agree with Winkie.

 

Your kids are a constant reminder that you've been with someone else, that you shared the intimacy of having children with that other person etc etc.

 

He accepted you for that and rose above it to marry you, thinking you worth dealing with and raising kids that aren't his.

 

Now he's doing something harmless like looking at porn (which ALOT of men do) and you're faulting him. Chances are a guy who doesn't look at porn at all would be so anal-retentive that he wouldn't be with a woman who has kids.

 

In every relationship you have to take the good with the bad. Don't let your insecurities and issues with porn (IMHO harmless and healthy) ruin a great relationship and lose a special man.

[Genesis]

kdreger,

 

 

1. Do you think there is a point when looking at porn gets to obsessive?

 

2. Would a man really be fine with a woman who wanted to watch porn without her BF or Husband, and no longer wanted to have sex with him, b/c she felt like he did not compare too the studs in the Porno movie.

 

There was this post about 2 weeks ago from a woman who said that her husband looked at porn so much that he no longer found her attractive or wanted to have sex with her. My ex use to look at porn at times, but it does kind of make you think whats wrong with what I got? I fussed about it for a little while but I just gave up on the issue.

 

I also feel like you can not build a strong foundation for marriage if your always looking out the back door. My point is porn in a way invalidates your marriage. I think lustful hearts are the reason that so many marriages fail. If you can not be faithful and honor your marriage vows, which includes lusting in your heart (porn), then you should not ever marry. Porn may lead to other things like cheating, but all men do not cheat who look at this.

 

There is nothing wrong with having an anal husband b/c a anal husband will more than likely not cheat on you, look at porn and leave you.

 

I think the two men are kind of right, do not make a big deal out of it , but demand for him to respect you. Maybe he will cut down and stop all together one day. The kids do not have anything to do with it , he is married to you not your kids!

[Veronique]

My personal opinion is that it isn't that big of a deal, provided that he doesn't do it every day. If it feels like he is cheating in some sort of weird way then maybe you could suggest that the two of you find a site that you both like to look at that has stuff for men and women. Keep an open mind!

However, if it is something that you just can't tolerate you need to let him know that - clearly. The fact that you had 2 kids before you got married does not mean that you have to tolerate things in your marriage that are objectionable to you.

Best of luck~!

[kdreger]

kdreger,

1. Do you think there is a point when looking at porn gets to obsessive?

 

The point where porn gets too obsessive is the point where everything else gets obsessive - when it effects you living your life. Looking at porn is not bad and is quite healthy for a man but if you do it to the point where you're doing it INSTEAD of being with your wife, that's obsessive.

 

2. Would a man really be fine with a woman who wanted to watch porn without her BF or Husband, and no longer wanted to have sex with him, b/c she felt like he did not compare too the studs in the Porno movie.

 

See, you're making assumptions. She didn't say it was effecting their sex life. That is obsessive. A healthy porn interest is where it appeases a sexual need in the male. Some women do not understand what it is like to have a man's sex drive. If he's appeasing by looking at porn instead of flirting with women or having affairs etc... then it is a healthy solution for him.

 

There was this post about 2 weeks ago from a woman who said that her husband looked at porn so much that he no longer found her attractive or wanted to have sex with her. My ex use to look at porn at times, but it does kind of make you think whats wrong with what I got? I fussed about it for a little while but I just gave up on the issue.

 

The problem is that you're not neutral on this issue . It has nothing to do with being competition for the woman. That is where the problem lies - when women take such things personally.

 

I also feel like you can not build a strong foundation for marriage if your always looking out the back door. My point is porn in a way invalidates your marriage. I think lustful hearts are the reason that so many marriages fail. If you can not be faithful and honor your marriage vows, which includes lusting in your heart (porn), then you should not ever marry. Porn may lead to other things like cheating, but all men do not cheat who look at this.

 

I don't look at porn but I'm a minority. Most men do and also visit strippers (which many women have a problem with as well). I don't see anything wrong with either IF the man understands that it is an amusement. Men are fascinated with women and sex. It's biological. Why do you think strippers exist in every city on this planet? It is a characteristic of men. Porn is not the cause nor the symptom. When a man cheats it isn't because of porn, it's because of him. It's synonymous with the saying that a gun doesn't kill people - people kill people. Don't blame one when it is the other.

 

There is nothing wrong with having an anal husband b/c a anal husband will more than likely not cheat on you, look at porn and leave you.

 

Blah! An anal husband will fault you for getting a divorce. God forbid you have sex outside of marriage!!!

 

I think the two men are kind of right, do not make a big deal out of it , but demand for him to respect you. Maybe he will cut down and stop all together one day. The kids do not have anything to do with it , he is married to you not your kids!

 

You're wrong. He's married to the kids as well. The only way the kids do not effect his world is if they live in another city and he has nothing to do with them. She brought baggage into the relationship in the form of children. He loved her enough to accept that - she should allow him some things like a healthy interest in porn.

[Genesis]

well..

 

kdreger do think that women are too sensitive or are guys just pigs? We have to put up with so much, staring at other women's chest in front of our face, porn,stripclubs. Do men care if we do the same things that they do?

 

What do you think things would be like if womens roles were reversed and we acted more like men, do you think maybe the sexes could get along?

 

Well back to the point:

 

Even if they were his kids that should not be a reason to just let him do what ever he wants.

 

So if you had kids from another relationship and your wife said, I must go shopping and max out your CC b/c you brought baggage to my life. That is not fair or right. That should not be an EXCUSE. That is all I am saying kids should not be an excuse for what he does.

 

Well, I guess we can just agree to disagree.

[kdreger]

The problem Genesis is that you take things to the extreme.

 

Your examples are extreme examples.

 

If I brought kids into a relationship and my new wife said some nights she wanted to go out and party with the girls as a way to keep some of her freedom I would be ok with that. Is she dancing with other men? Possibly but it's a trust issue isn't it.

 

As for switching roles, if we did then you would understand that a man is very much different from a woman and you can't apply how you feel about things to him (ie your view of porn).

[m3chris]

Some women do not understand what it is like to have a man's sex drive.

 

Maybe not a man's mind, but I definitely have more of a sex drive than my husband. And yet he still finds time to get off with porn instead of having sex with me who is up for it ANY time, ANY where, ANY way!!! He doesn't feel that he is obsessed with it.

 

Like I said in another post, physically he is only looking, but in his heart, he is cheating. Even if its liked by both genders. The same thing would go with women who might fantasize about a movie star. They aren't acting on it, but in their hearts, they aren't being completely loyal to their husband/boyfriend.

 

Marriage doesn't seem to be important today. The loyalty and chivalry are gone. Cheating, affairs, and divorce are extremly common. These aren't good things. Livingforthem has every right to complain about this. Porn makes women feel inadequate. Even just glamour magazines can within the first 5 minutes depress most women. Genesis, I think makes some really good points.

 

2. Would a man really be fine with a woman who wanted to watch porn without her BF or Husband, and no longer wanted to have sex with him, b/c she felt like he did not compare too the studs in the Porno movie.

 

This is a good point to it that would apply to most relationships with porn. Let me say that a man wouldn't put up with it at all!!!!