My wife cheated on me at work, advice please.. I am so angry and confused.

[rashe30]

This is gonna be a long story so I hope you like to read...so it begins about a year ago in February. My wife goes to work at a part time job as a sleep tech during night shift and her an a girlfriend decide to drink a little on the job...which I think is just messed up. With no intentions of getting drunk at all so she said. We on into the night they drink a little to much and a few guys show up with one fella that works there. The girlfriend has the hots for this guy, so my wife gets him to stay to have a drink with them. 2 other guys are present, one drinking and the other who is sober being the driver. He leaves not to long after they arrive. The girlfriend decides to get everyone to pop a few Xanux. After about 4 of those my wife and her girlfriend, the friend somehow ends up giving oral sex to my wifes girlfriend. Later on that night while the girlfriend is in the bathroom with the fella she likes giving him oral. The other friend asks my wife if she wants to get it on so to speak and according to her she said no she doesn't know him and she says it would have felt like cheating on me. But she does let him give her oral in the bathroom and rub her breasts. She says the medicine made her not really care what was going on. She also says she doesn't really remember much after she laid down on the floor and he went down on her. All she said she remembered is when the other fella come in the bathroom and told her it was time to wake up the patients. She avoided coming home until 2 hours after she was suppose to be home from work. She told me immediately that they had been drinking, but nothing else. About 5 months ago I happen to be at work with her one night just hanging out and another co worker was talking about rumors of what was going on with my wife's girlfriend and the other fella. That immediately sparked my attention to that night. I always had my beleif that something more happen than what she was telling me. On Feb 13 we were celebrating Valentine's Day because she had to work the next night, I convinced her that it would turn me on if I knew something had happen to her. Mind you we were drinking and she was drunk but she hid it well all that time. Also I guess I forgot to mention that her and I never been in bed with anyone but each other. I got mad when she told me, but considering we were in the middle of sex it took a bit. The next day I was ready to throw her out and didn't answer her calls or anything. I even talked with her girlfriend but I don't think she was straight with me. Also earlier in the year around last May she just for no really good reason decided we were gonna take some time apart, but that was short lived until the next day. Mind you I know that was not related to anyone else. It has been a really rough year since and that night and took her a year to tell me. She flat out will tell me she wouldn't have told me because she knew how mad I would be about it and she thought it was best just to put it behind us and move on. I don't know if I believe her that nothing more happen but to me this is bad enough and is still CHEATING. We have been married for almost 10 years this May and I have always made sure I don't even drink unless she is there so she can keep me at bay if I get out of hand. I am not sure what to believe all I can really says is now I am drinking every night and I get mad at her at every little thing. She just keeps telling me it was only one time, but my response is how many times soes it take? I feel like I don't trust her at all now and I do love her very much. We get along great but I am just not sure about things. When I drink I get mad and emotions run me, I want to leave everytime I start drinking. She is getting really fed up with me drinking though and my meanness. I am rude and an * * * to her I will say that. I want to forgive her but I am not sure I know the whole truth or not and is she ever not gonna do this again. I know my wife when she gets drunk and it is just sex, sex at least towards me. Can I believe what she is saying?? She says it would have never of happened if she wasn't taking the Xanux. My feeling is it still could have been prevented to start with. He didn't trip and his head fall between her legs. She seems to be a bit different feeling about sex now. We were dicussing an open marriage and she would do it where as I would not, but then she backed out of it. The idea is appealing sure but my wife has to always be but in a situation be she realizes what I told her would happen before, unlike myself, I just see what can happen, it is human nature. Sorry to be such a long story but it is pretty deep and I feel I can't get a good response without the true understanding for the readers. She said she really regrets what happen especially right after that night she did it. Help please, this is destroying my marriage and me especially considering I have 2 girls, one 5 and the other 8. Advice please??

[NewPhillyGuy]

If drinking is that much of a problem for her, she should not be doing it. Also, Xanax is for the treatment of anxiety disorders, not something you just pop for the hell of it. Xanax will intensify the effect of the alcohol. Hell, Xanax can screw you up just by itself. I know. I have panic disorder and GAD and I need to take it from time to time. No offense, but this woman does not sound like a fit wife or mother, in my opinion.

 

It seems pretty clear to me that this woman is just screwing around and has no respect or regard for your feelings, let alone the well-being of your children! If I were you, I'd tell her to talk a long walk off a short pier and work on getting your life back together...for you and for your children. You don't want them growing up around someone like that.

[yeawutever]

Sorry to hear that, you're right about that getting drunk is never an excuse to cheat and yes she did still cheat. What should you do you say, well what's really telling you inside, you wanna work it out or move on and throw her. If you decide to go for the first option, take her to counseling, but you should also seek it since you're drinking constantly and it doesn't help the situation. And she sure got lucky they didn't fire her, don't they usually do that for that type of conduct?? She doesn't seem to be nor a responsible worker nor productive, stable mother.

[Belinda]

Oh De Ja vu here. Sounds alot like my experience with my ex.

He got with a girl after drinking at a party and said he kissed her because he was "Allergic to Alcohol", and that he couldnt remember anything after the kiss.

A year later I lied and said I knew what happened, which made him admit he has unprotected sex with her o_o;;

 

So if someone who cheats says that either;

a) It was the alcohol or

b) I can't remember what happened then

 

CALL BULL****!

 

I know you should really work on getting your marriage together, but I have to say, coming from a similar situation it's incredibly difficult to regain the trust you once had in her.

 

I don't think she's telling you the complete truth about either that night, or possible other times. It all sounds too remisisant of my experiences. So I warn you against believing thats the end of it.

 

I only see one way to properly deal with this deep wounding issue. Counselling. And Im serious, you need to go to a relationship counsellor together and work past this. First step is to get your wife to be 100% open *and* honest with you. The *SECOND* step is for you to regain that broken trust you've lost.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope it figues itself out.

[yeawutever]

Actually there is the second way to deal with it, moving on and throwing her out. Just because there're kids around, doesn't really mean you necessarily have to forgive the cheater and work it out. In the end it's really his chose if he wants to live with the knowledge that she cheated or move on. And yes that alcohol excuse is BS, and at the same time it's getting so overrated. Nowadays more people seem to use that "But I was drunk, don't remember what else happened" excuse!!!!

[heloladies21]

If you think you know the whole truth, that is a dream itself. If it took drinking and a whole lot of convincing to get a confession for something which you had a ton of evidence, do you really think she would fess up to something which she could basically sweep under the rug? And she admits she wouldn't have told you unless you talked her into it???

 

Cheating while in a committed is the most cruel and unforgivable thing in the world and if you have any doubt as to whether she would do it again just look at how willing she was to have an "open relationship."

 

Your drinking is just going to keep covering up the problem until it explodes. Best thing is to get out now while you still have your sanity and can make a case for custody. Any way you cut it, this relationship is over.

[Shadows Light]

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

You have 10 years invested in this relationship. And 2 small children.

 

Have you thought about marriage counselling?????

 

Something is definitely wrong in the marriage. Infidelity is a symptom. Not the problem. Whats missing? Whats changed? What dynamics have changed? How much time are you spending together??? You have 2 young children.... they can take a lot of you. How's the intimacy levels and romance? What do you need that you are NOT getting? What does she need that she's NOT getting?

 

Its not all about the SEX. How much time do you spend building each other up? romancing each other?

 

Before you flip... make an appointment to see a marriage counselor. You owe it to yourselves to try. You owe it to your children.

 

The BOTH of you need to get the drinking and drugs under control.

 

And YOUR drinking?? she's not your babysitter.. you are NOT hers. Each of you are OLD enough to self-monitor and have self-control.

 

Your ANGER needs restraining too. Anger ruins relationships. Booze only makes that Anger worse.

 

You are right.. unless you do "something" ya'll are gonna self destruct. So do what you do have control over.. and the first thing is to make an appointment with a good marriage counselor.

[NW Homey]

My first advise to you is - stop drinking. Who is watching the children when you are? You even said you get angry when you drink, that isn't helping you or your situation.

I know the pain you are going through. 4 years into our marraige my wife had oral sex with her best friends husband.(him to her). She played with him. She stop things before it got too far out of hand. What the real reason was I'm not sure. Anyway, she told me it would never happen again and asked me not to tell her friend. In my shock I agreed. I always held my end of the agreement. I wish I hadn't. We kept friendship with them for a long time afterward. I did get over the hurt and the pain. I even came to trusting her 100%. That is until about 3 years ago she had another affair. This one was not a one time thing. It went on for about 6 months. I not only know who it was but he had work in the area sometimes and would stay at our house. Like I said I trusted her completely. Little did I know that they were doing things (no intercourse according to both of them) right in my own home while I was work. She'd put our 3 children to bed and spend time with him. She even helped him at his once in awhile. I knew when she was gong to his place and she usually took at least one of the children with her. Again, I trusted her and after all she had the children with her. She finally cut it off with him a couple of months after our 25th anniversary. She told me about it the following summer. I have been in hell ever since. I have trying to convince myself that 28 years is alot to throw away and what about the children? I have recently decided it is time to move on with my life. She has already told me on more than one occasion that she would understand if I wanted to leave or wanted her to leave. She has done alot of self examination and we have been to consouling. She says she has finally grown up and knows she won't ever do that again. By the way, she has not had to work outside of the home the whole duration of our marriage. But I think I have had it this time. Sorry for being so lengthy but I wanted you to see a few things here that maybe you wouldn't from your perspective. You have to decide if you want to forgive her and try to trust her or just move on with your life. It does sound to me that she hasn't been very responsible but that doesn't give yu a right to not be as well. Get your drinking stopped and be a father to your children and let your life be an example to them.

[rashe30]

She is not a drinker at all and she easily gives into peer pressure, but this weakness is what let her get into this situation and cause the now ongoing problems in our marriage. She wants me to just forgive her and I told her I would try but it is proving harder than I first thought, when I do talk to her sometimes she will just tell me it was only one time and has promised me that it won't hapen again. To answer the question about romance, intimacy and others..

 

We have little romance so to speak being married with to kids.

Intimacy we lack so of also, that closeness that is there. It is getting better though, as she tells me she feels like she fell in love with me all over again.

 

Yes with the kids it is all that much harder to work things out because thet take alot of energy. this is one thing my wife has told me also yesterday.

In 2 weeks we are going to Myrtle Beach for our anniversary for a few days, I hope this is gonna help our relationship. That is if I keep my sanity for that long. I did tell her I would stop drinking so much, I know it is not helping. Every night I drink, if some little thing sets me off I am packing my stuff and telling her how much do not want to be here. It is to the point right now that I don't take her phone calls for a day or so at a time. this is very unusual for us considering we talk at least 3-15 times a day on the phone. We do still do the small important things, we always shower or take a bath together and go to bed to together which most people do not do. But lately I haven't wanted to go with her at all, every time I see her without pants on it just reminds me of that night. She is working mostly days now and has to go to work at 5 in the morning so she is going to sleep at about 9:30 to 10 but when we are putting the kids to bed at 8 to 8:30 it just doesn't leave alot of time for anything else. She says she doesn't know what to do with me, or how to make me happy. Every thing she says I have some kind of comeback for, but I don't think it is up to me to make things better. I have spent 10 years trying very hard to keep myself straight.

[Shadows Light]

Every thing she says I have some kind of comeback for, but I don't think it is up to me to make things better. I have spent 10 years trying very hard to keep myself straight.

 

THIS... was a huge problem for me during marital counseling and my marriage. My "H" would not allow me the time to say what I needed to say. Nor would he validate my feelings. I'd get a comeback like..."Well, you shouldn't feel that way...." One of the things the counselor suggested is that he zip it. And allow me 10 minutes to say what I needed to say. Allow me the common courtesy of expressing the way I felt.

 

No intimacy. NO romance. No time. And in kid jail.

 

I strongly suggest you find a good counselor to help you sort this out. And help you both learn knew tools that will help alleviate some of the pressures.

 

DATE NIGHT. Can u sit down with a calandar.. and circle ONE night a month at least when you will ship the kids to a relative...or friend... or get a babysitter and just do something together??? Dinner and a Movie?

 

Can you carve out One weekend.... A whole WEEKEND... quarterly... every 3 months when you and wife take off to a bed/breakfast... or just a local motel for some R/R??????

 

Talking on the phone 3 to 15 times a day isnt gonna do it for you.

 

You've probably started taking each other for granted. Gotten in a routine.. and forgotten the little things. Whens the last time you picked her up a flower on the way home .. just for the heII of it??? or whens the last time she baked you a batch of your favorite cookies just for the HeII of it.. to put a smile on each others faces???? Bought or made each other a card... or did thoughtful things for one another and it wasn't even a HOLIDAY???? Whens the last time you thought about putting a smile on her face or how you'd do it????

 

Marriage, relationships, romance and intimacy takes work. Many of us FORGET... or we think we've been rolling happily along for so long that its an entitiy that operates on its own. Doesn't need a tune up or a reality check.

 

When ONE person in a relationship is UNHAPPY.. then there is something wrong. I'm not casting blame or judging either one of you... But if the both of you want it to work.. then the both of you need to PROBLEM solve. This is not going to fix itself when the weather breaks or clouds disspitate.

 

A vacation is a band-aid. Its not going to cure what ails you. The both of you need to make changes to accomidate the new dynamics of where you both are with your lives today.

 

Don't quit. Work at it. Growing is painful. Change is painful. It sounds like you are willing to work at it and give it your all... and thats what you want. Then do everything at your disposal to bring about that change.

[rashe30]

Your right growing is really painful, but how do you begin to forgive her for something like this, I have a jealous insecurity already to begin with but that is my problem not hers, and I have keep it under control for many years. Now that she has done this it was always my worst fear that could happen. I just don't feel the same as I used to towards her. I will admit she is really trying very hard to keep things going and to make things right. But in the end is it gonna matter? I did promise her I would stop drinking. I have to I have never broken a promise top anyone. The bad thing is I feel I couldn't be much better of a husband to her. I always try to do thr right thing even if I don't agree with it. Revenge is not an answer neither is to throw away every thing we have worked for. Last night we had our first real talk about all of this and it did help alot. I didn't get mad neither did she. It is a start I guess. I do somehow really believe that she really didn't mean for this to happen, I guess that is the only reason we still have hope in our marriage. I do feel because of the Xanax that she made a bad choice to do what she did. But then again she didn't have to ger * * * *ed up and take it either so it is a hard call.

[miniblinded2]

Alright, maybe I'm out to lunch, but what she describes happened that night sounds more to me like sexual assault. Being drunk and on 4 xanax, she must have been really incoherent and the guy took advantage of her near-vegetative state. I can't see her being able to give consent for any kind of sex under the influence of the drug-alcohol combo. Maybe a medical professional could clarify how coherent a person drunk and on 4 xanax really is.

 

Maybe she's covering up for an infidelity, maybe she's telling you the truth. Stop drinking and go to counselling. Your drinking is hurting your kids. And punishing you wife is also hurting your kids. This is a case where you need to seek professional help.