question for those who've been on strict NC for months.

[deejay74]

especially if you're the dumpee.

 

how has it been for you? do you find yourself missing your ex more, or less? how many of you are dating right now? if you are, does it make you think about your ex less?

 

is it getting harder as time goes on? do you want your ex to call you?

 

just wondering because i have never gone more than 3 weeks until i break NC and i want to go beyond that. i am getting sadder and sadder as time goes on but i am doing my best to get on with my life. i really would like my ex to contact me just so i know she either a. still thinks about me and/or b. still cares. (not so i can get back out with her).

 

i still wanna know if she wonders about me for some reason.

[annie24]

3 weeks NC for me today (I'm the dumpee.) Overall, I guess I feel ok. Yes, I have been dating again. Yes, I want him to miss me. But, the time and space away from him during NC has really made me realize his bad side and that he's not the kind of man I want to be with long-term (Drinking and drug issues).

 

Onwards and upwards, I guess....

[robowarrior]

What you are basically doing is just creating a hell for yourselves, if the other person doesn't want to be with you then its her/his loss, you only have your own self under your own control, and its quite devestating yes, but we should never go into a relationship thinking it will work out just because it concerns ourselves, Truth is your partner can pick up their bags and leave any day. We all have free will, so reasoning from that we have to respect the other persons choice, and move on from there in search of a new pathway of life for ourselves by picking up the pieces , taking our time to recover, and glueing those pieces back together and moving on with our lives.

[deejay74]

What you are basically doing is just creating a hell for yourselves, if the other person doesn't want to be with you then its her/his loss, you only have your own self under your own control, and its quite devestating yes, but we should never go into a relationship thinking it will work out just because it concerns ourselves, Truth is your partner can pick up their bags and leave any day. We all have free will, so reasoning from that we have to respect the other persons choice, and move on from there in search of a new pathway of life for ourselves by picking up the pieces , taking our time to recover, and glueing those pieces back together and moving on with our lives.

 

you know, everyone says when the other person dumps you it's "their loss", is it really? what if it really isn't? what if they're better off without you/me? i am not saying that's what happened to me, but i sometimes feel that's just a way to make ourselves feel better.

 

i think the dumper could be saying the same thing about us. they're glad to have gotten rid of us and it's our loss they had to break up with us. you know? just playing devil's advocate.

 

and i am not trying to make it hell for myself, all i wanted to know is how it feels to go that long with NC b/c i haven't. i am hoping it gets better because at the 3 week mark, i get this withdrawal feeling and get these strong urges to call my ex.

[Orlander]

I've been on NC for a little over a month now. Dating and hooking up just don't appeal to me at the moment. I'm not ready yet to take an active approach in meeting and dating yet. I'm sure that will change.

 

I haven't really had the urge to contact my ex. I need to heal and I know that contacting her would only bring me pain. I really try not to think about my ex, our breakup, or not having that love in my life anymore. In fact, I have a quote on a my wall at home that reads...

 

"If you are unhappy about certain circumstances in your life, by all means DO NOT think about them"

 

I'm not missing my ex any less but know that it will happen and I will move on and so will you.

 

 

Orlander

[vesper]

 

i think the dumper could be saying the same thing about us. they're glad to have gotten rid of us and it's our loss they had to break up with us. you know? just playing devil's advocate.

 

.

 

yes - i am going to be a real *b...* and say that I am really happy that I am no longer with my ex's. Afterall there is a reason that I broke up with them. Yes - my life is a lot better without them in it. I felt free after they were gone. Free from having to deal with the things about them that I did not like.

 

Yes - I still think about them - I still find them attractive - I still imagine what my life may have been with them - but in general they are completely out of the picture and I have moved on. Because...I dealt with it. Why would you want to re-open old wounds?? - the only way I can imagine getting back together with them if they made a 'pitch' I could not refuse - definitely not back to the same old relationship...

 

[majord23]

NC is hard, hard work and some days I struggle not to send an email....but the knowledge that she doesn't have the power to make me feel better stops me. There is nothing that she can say except "I've made a mistake" that will ease my pain, so I figure what is the point of contacting her?

 

If she was going to say that it would NOT be on an occasion that I had called her - it would be something that SHE would initiate.

 

This is a little note I wrote to myself a few days ago when I was feeling weak. I thought about how NC would affect her:

 

"If I call her, I look weak. The longer I last without contacting her, the stronger I appear in her eyes. The stronger I appear in her eyes, the better I feel about myself. The better I feel about myself, the less I care about what she thinks about me. The less I care about what she thinks about me, the more intrigued she becomes by me. The more intrigued she becomes by me, the more of a challenge I present. The more of a challenge I present, the more likely it is that SHE will contact me....and if I'm feeling that good about myself, I can then tell her to go and jump"

 

Regardless of when that contact from her comes, I will have maintained my strength and not contacted her. And she will be the one approaching me from a submissive position. What I do with that contact is then UP TO ME. I will have the power in the situation, regardless of whether she wants me back or not...because I have not let my resolve weaken.

 

Maintaining NC builds a sense of pride. You prove to yourself that you can get on with your life without your ex....even if you have days where it is unbearable, and you can't imagine going on, you stick to it.

 

The beauty of NC is the ex doesn't get to see your pain, they don't get any insight as to how it is affecting you - so despite the fact you may feel as weak as a kitten, your ex will never know that. Breaking NC runs the risk of shattering that illusion, and all of a sudden your ex gets a confidence boost because they thought you were moving on....but your call suggests you are not.

 

Focus on the positives of NC for YOU.

 

1) You heal and move on...it takes time, but it will happen.

2) You maintain your dignity by not looking weak in your ex's eyes. Feeling 'pitied' makes healing a heck of alot harder...you beat yourself up about it for months.

[Orlander]

you know, everyone says when the other person dumps you it's "their loss", is it really? what if it really isn't? what if they're better off without you/me? i am not saying that's what happened to me, but i sometimes feel that's just a way to make ourselves feel better.

 

You know, I feel that way at times. I recently looked up the girl that I dated before my last girlfriend. I found that she is still single, still has the same job, and still lives in the same house. I used to believe that she would find someone better and I wouldnt. I was wrong on both accounts.

 

There is no doubt that I will find someone better. I just refuse to believe that someone better than my ex is not out there and that I wont meet her. I happen to believe that in a way we create that "someone better" in that we instinctively know what to look for, what to value, what to accept, what to limit, what to exclude, what to resist, what to expand on, what to go after, and what to question.

 

Learn the lessons from this relationship and its end and you will automatically apply them in your next.

 

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

Good post, MajorD23!!

[deejay74]

"If I call her, I look weak. The longer I last without contacting her, the stronger I appear in her eyes. The stronger I appear in her eyes, the better I feel about myself. The better I feel about myself, the less I care about what she thinks about me. The less I care about what she thinks about me, the more intrigued she becomes by me. The more intrigued she becomes by me, the more of a challenge I present. The more of a challenge I present, the more likely it is that SHE will contact me....and if I'm feeling that good about myself, I can then tell her to go and jump"

 

wow, this is great. i need to print this out and post it to my computer. i hope you won't mind if i do!

 

yeah, i always knew NC was for my healing, i guess i just couldn't wait long enough. i am an impatient person and that's why the saying "time will heal" is the hardest part for me to accept and work on. as many of you know, days drag on and weeks drag on. it's only been 2.5 months for me since the break up but it really seems like about 5 or 6. good news is, it had gotten better, even with the set backs i've had.

 

again, my point to the original post on this thread was to get an idea on how, over long periods of NC, it gets better, worse, or the same.

[annie24]

I have to chime in that the best thing about NCfor me is just being able to see her more clearly, recognizing things she did that were cruel, seeing they do not reflect me. Understanding how the actions I felt most stupid about were usually responses to things she was doing. So knowing how important it is to recognize in the future when someone is being hurtful, withdrawing, being provocative. And learning how important it is to walk away when someone is not being reasonable, etc. Also, despite alot of recent setbacks, generally getting much clearer about not wanting her anymore. Accepting there probably never will be a poetic resolution. Just new experiences. Being able to imagine feeling neutral about her. Very tough though.

 

very well said!

 

I feel the same way. Having NC has given me the opportunity to objectively evaluate the relationship. While there was a lot of good in the relationship, there were also some major red flags there that my "fog of love" wasn't letting me see (the drinking and the drugs).

[possibiliti]

I feel NC is a natural choice if the dumpee wants to heal and move on. Dumper

made his/her decision. Keeping in contact is just an endless loop that leads nowhere.

 

After amount of NC time: I still think about and miss him, but he is more like a stranger now. Whatever he is doing with his life, I am no longer part of it. He lives in my memory not real life. I don't have the urge to call. I don't feel dating will fill the void in my heart right now. But I feel ready to get to know new people and make new memories.

 

It is a hard journey and brings out a lot of change of feelings and perspective. I feel like driving myself crazy to deal with them and to try to

find answers. When you can't control it, just let it be.

 

You have been trying, and you are doing good. You have broken the NC, so what, no rule says you can't The important thing is you experience all the options to find out what is the right cure for you. Be patient, that day will come. I am waiting too.

[deejay74]

it's been about a week and 3 days since the last time i broke NC and it blew up in my face. i remember after i made an insinuation (?) that my ex was sleeping around, she told me never to talk to her again, then i apologized to her right then and even via an email the next day.

 

but why do i still miss her? even with the way she basically was a complete b***ch to me afterwards and how she said all she cares about is herself? sometimes i think that she was treating my like this so that i could, and she could, move on and not let get feelings in the way but i am not so sure. all i remember is how she treated me pretty well during the relationship.

 

i AM getting used to her not being in my life and now we're out of contact, but it is still pretty hard from me to accept - although i know she probably won't be in my life anymore, i always find this saddning - especially after long periods of time with NC.

 

and now, i still hope that we can rekindle the friendship when i have moved on, because i really think that if we can be friends, it wouldn't be so bad.

 

the other thing i keep thinking about, and i don't know why, is my ex is going to leave for london for a month to intern for school and i feel this need to see her before she goes. i think it's because when we were seeing each other, i was supposed to go and visit her for about a week or 2 and then i remember her saying she may not come back if she gets offered a job there.

 

at any rate, the longer i go with NC, the more i seem to miss her even though i am getting used to her not being in my life.

[Orlander]

Yeap, but it will get better. My advice is not to talk to her at all.

[vesper]

is my ex is going to leave for london for a month to intern for school and i feel this need to see her before she goes. i think it's because when we were seeing each other, i was supposed to go and visit her for about a week or 2 and then i remember her saying she may not come back if she gets offered a job there.

.

 

wow - I kind of can't believe this story as it all sounds very familiar!! I was in your ex's position at one point...

 

look - it sounds like she is hoping to go explore a little here - she is moving to london and probably has good reasons why she is trying to distance herself from you. She does not want the attachment so she can truly explore her opportunities....no matter how difficult...don't contact her and let her go....she will contact you when she is ready...

[octopus]

hey iwantherback,

 

to your 2nd post in this thread where you talked about "time heals"..

 

I also don't think time heals. If anything, it makes you get used to the pain and the reality. That only. Healing is something we have to do ourselves deep inside.

[deejay74]

i've read this post over and over again, thanks so much for posting this, it has been an inspiration. unfortunately, i still think i closed the door on any contact or friendship with my ex the last time i called her. but this post has been giving me strength.

 

who knows, she may eventually call, but i doubt it.

[Royltnxile]

Totally outstanding post MajorD. You have summed up how I have felt over the past 13 months. I've been a poster child for NC, even neglected to call her back in December when she actually left me a message. I lame message asking me to "call her when I got this"...huh? I totally agree with what you say - the only thing she can say that would make me feel anything positive would be "I made a mistake".

 

Great post! IWantHerBack, print this post out and read it (MajorD's). I'm going to post it on this other board I participate in, if you dont mind me doing so Major!

[Royltnxile]

IWant,

 

Let her go. You are still hung up on the "need" to see her, the "need" to contact her", the "need" to be her friend, the "need" to see her before she goes overseas. It's not about your "needs". She doesn't give a flying rat's azz about "your needs". You've said before that she is selfish and self absorbed. She's flat out told you that she doesn't want to talk to you. Remember that big row you got into over the phone recently? You called her out of a genuine wish to speak with her and ended up getting into an argument and losing your dignity...and you took all the blame for that episode...she treated you rudely in person, and on the phone...and you still are hanging onto this hope that you are her will be "friends"? I dont' get it. How would being "friends" with her make your pain better? It will make it 10x worse if you tried to bury your feelings for her behind a mask of friendship. Let her go to England and don't try and see her before she leaves. If she wants to see you before she embarks, then she will let you know.

 

Read Majord's post. Print it out, carry it in your pocket! Live by it! That post of his is the best post on NC I have ever seen.

[deejay74]

i guess i want to be friends with her (when my romantic feelings subside) because she wasn't like this when we were going out, i know how she can be as a friend, i've seen how she treats her other friends. she was my best friend and my gf. i've lost both, i understand i can't get the gf back but why not the friend? she enriched my life when we were going out and i would like that back again, hopefully i enriched her life. this isn't about getting her back as my girlfriend anymore.

 

what i also have had a hard time understanding is that when she broke up with me, she never told me it was because she didn't like me anymore or that she didn't love me, it was because she's too busy and overwhelmed with school, work, interning, etc, etc. which in reality, is a legitmate excuse. so why does she not want to have anything to do with me if all my other good qualities are there?

 

i really think we can be friends. i guess i am delusional (as she called me the last time). i hear and understand what you are saying but i am friends with my other ex.

 

look, i am not trying to get her back (i know what my screen name is but i created it right after i got dumped) - all i want to do is to have her in my life. yes, i know she's been nothing but a b**ch to me since the break up, but i do have to take some of the blame for not leaving her alone. who know's how things would be if i did, but i was really hurt and did things that i shouldn't have. i keep thinking to myself that she's been treating me this way so she can move on and to make me move as well. maybe this is her way of dealing with it too?

 

she literally was the best gf i've had on so many levels. she and i had the most things in common out of every girl i've met. no she wasn't perfect, but again, no one is. i am terrified that i won't meet someone better than her or meet someone that has as many things in common as me. everyone knows commonality is a big part of having a great relationship and all the great ones i've had are the ones where we share a lot of the same interests, thoughts, goals, etc. - i am gonna be 32 years old this year and i didn't meet anyone like my ex in the 5 years that i was single since my ex-ex and i split. so at least having her around as a friend would be alright, especially when i am "over her". people with common interests usually have friends that are similar, maybe i can meet a friend of hers that is similar. it was really hard to find a person like my ex, even with her bad qualities, it's going to be harder to find someone BETTER than her. does any of this make sense?

 

the interests, tastes in music, style, and everything that my ex and my friends all share are not common to everyone. so trust me when i tell you that my circle of friends and the girls i've dated are not a part of the "norm" - so again, losing her as a friend is almost as disappointing as losing her as a girlfriend. as i am getting older, it's harder to find, not only girlfriends, but new friends that have those things in common. music is a big part of my life so that is important to me that my friends and gf's share the same taste. sorry if that sounds shallow but it is THAT important to me.

 

i am trying very hard not to sound like i am self-defeating or a pessimist, i am only going by my experience with this. i really am trying to keep a positive attitude about my future relationships and i am trying to be patient, but it's very hard when it's based on my past experience with these things. maybe i am making it out harder than it really is, i don't really know.

 

thanks for your help.

 

[EDIT]oh, and she only said she didn't want to speak to me because i basically called her a sl*t without saying it. i did apologize for it too, but i guess that's moot. [\EDIT]

[majord23]

I'm going to post it on this other board I participate in, if you dont mind me doing so Major!

 

I don't mind at all mate, thanks for the compliment.

[moondog627]

how has it been for you? do you find yourself missing your ex more, or less? how many of you are dating right now? if you are, does it make you think about your ex less?

 

is it getting harder as time goes on? do you want your ex to call you?

 

About 8 months since the split. Was extremely rough at first and still can be in little spurts here and there. But I'm much, much better now. And as time goes on I miss the ex less and less. I am dating right now. For me, dating does help in not thinking about the ex but even more so it builds your self-esteem back up. To stop thinking about my ex I took the Stalin approach and completely got rid of everything that reminded me of her. She is now a non-person in my mind. Maybe that's cold, but it works for me. Overall, things get much easier as time goes on, with the exception of a set-back here and there. And I would rather my ex didn't call me. In fact, I would be content with never seeing/contacting her again. Eventually, you'll come to accept that the fantasy of getting back with the ex is most likely just that, a fantasy. And even if it were to take place, there would simply be way too many complicated issues involved.

 

you know, everyone says when the other person dumps you it's "their loss", is it really? what if it really isn't? what if they're better off without you/me? i am not saying that's what happened to me, but i sometimes feel that's just a way to make ourselves feel better.

 

i think the dumper could be saying the same thing about us. they're glad to have gotten rid of us and it's our loss they had to break up with us. you know? just playing devil's advocate.

 

Either way, whether the ex is better off without you or not, should be a non-issue. A major step in my healing process took place when I removed the focus from my ex and placed it solely on me. Relearn and discover what makes you happy inside and you'll find your healing process to be much swifter.

[sleepwalker]

Well,back on the boards ; over a year since last time. Just briefly checking in here

 

Maybe not to much help but just a few perspectives on this topic.

 

It is now 2 1/2 years since the first breakup.

 

After that : managed to get her back twice in the first year, through all kinds of strategies - no no-contact. It worked well, but it left me feeling like an empty shell and the real challenge turned out not to get her back again - but to keep her. The relationship after getting her back made me weaker and not stronger like it used to. The whole intimacy was lost and it felt like a constant struggle. She would leave again.

 

A year down the road : Applied very strict no contact for over a year despite occationally bumping into eachother (just saying "hi" going by - no more). I initially did not believe in no contact as I was so deep down in the pattern of bringing her back and ANY contact with her made me FEEL. Which was far better than going to a motionless daily life without here. For me it took every single day of the new year - all the seasons and days once over again to move on without here. It was rough and no easy trip but suddenly I found myself in a strange place. Not at all where I used to be (once again I was wrong - the no contact period did not just bring back the person she once met, like I initially thought; but actually a person with deeper perspectives + calmness - not needing the same proof of her anymore and less from other people in general).

 

I missed her every single day during that year. Every hour of the day. But that was ok. Just the fact that no contact made it possible to heal without adding new elements to the "story" made the whole process possible.

 

So when I least expected it and actually needed it the least I met a new girl. A beautiful creature. A person that needed no comparison to my ex.

 

And finally to end of this story - after this period of 2 1/2 years since the initial breakup. With a new girlfriend and feeling fine, I took contact with my ex. Looked her into her eyes, told her exactly what she made me feel like in that period (no blaming, but calm with the strength you can only achieve once happy + almost 100 % fully healed). And by doing that, took back that final element she still had : the memory of a person who stepped on your respect + personality just because the two of you took different directions in life. It could not have felt better and gave the final closure I never thought I would have.

 

Hang in there people. Life has a strange way of strengthening us through troublesome times.

 

sw