I feel so guilty...

[bellis]

Hi there.

 

I did something that I thought I would never do. I've been going out with a guy who I really love for about seven weeks. He loves me too. The relationship is challenging and we are both learning a lot from it. I have a lot of trust issues to sort out, which I'm committed to doing.

 

Last night I went (solo) to an engagement party and ended up getting pretty trashed. I ran into an ex. We spent a long time talking and kissed in a cab (I initiated it!?). Only kissing happened with him, nothing else. It was purely physical.

 

If I tell my boyfriend, he will almost surely break up with me. It will cause him a lot of pain. I feel like it would almost be more selfish of me to tell him. This has made me realize how much I want to try to have a great relationship with him. It has also made me realize how much control I can lose over myself when I drink.

 

I don't think this is a debate about should I tell/ should I not tell... although there are many who probably think that I should tell. I just wonder how I can forgive myself.

 

Thanks.

[moink75]

Love yourself. That is the first step.. We all make mistakes.

[byates5637]

You have only been dating this guy for 7 weeks. Usually that is not enough time to really love someone. If you plan on being with him for a while i think you have to tell him now.

 

If i were you i would be more worried about how you made your ex feel. Is he not over you yet? Make sure he knows that there is nothing between you two.

[renaissancewoman101]

We all make mistakes, even the best of us. At least you can look at it in retrospect and realize that you did something wrong and are feeling guilty about it. I would not tell the bf because you dont plan on repeating your mistake, it was a one time thing, and you are feeling very sorry about it. Just try to stay away from liquor when you are out. Alcohol has a way of making us act in ways we dont want to.

[moink75]

I disagree, I think honesty is the best policy. What would happen if you current bf found out you kissed your ex from someone other than you?

[bellis]

Thanks for your advice.

 

The worlds of my ex and my current boyfriend are completely separate - they know nobody in common - so there is no way my bf will find out, fortunately.

 

I just have to reconcile the guilt within myself.

[ElektraHere]

You have been going out for 7 weeks and you are already in "love." I think you are more in lust. You havent even gotten over the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship and you already say its challenging.

 

As for kissing the ex. I hate when people blame alcohol for their actions. Own up to the responsibilty of your actions. Drinking takes away our inhabitions so we are more open to doing things without thinking of the consequences. Its called INSTANT GRATIFICATION. If you were really in love with the boyfriend as you say that kiss would have NEVER happened.

 

I would suggest you evaluate

1. Are really in love with your boyfriend

2. Slowing down the relationship

3. Be honest with your boyfriend. You start with lies they just continue to build upon each other

[renaissancewoman101]

ElektraHere, I have a question for you, why do you think that after 7 weeks, someone cannot be "in love" with the one they are with? I would think that you are starting to get to know someone after 7 weeks and also love is something that can creep up on us without us realizing it. Love is a feeling, an emotion that we can feel towards other people. It is not always necessary lust. So, the warm, happy, snuggly, fuzzy feeling that you get for someone is not necessary love, but lust? Then what is love?

[ElektraHere]

RW I am not saying love is impossible. Here is a link to a post I had many moons ago. I learned it in one of my classes. It is the life of a relationship. A successful relationship needs to go through all these steps in order for it to work. I thought it was pretty dead on.

 

[bellis]

thanks for your reply elektrahere. Point(s) taken.

[Hope75]

You've been with your bf for 7 weeks, though I am sure you have some feelings of early infatuation for him and perhaps some genuine feelings of affection beginning to develop, this isn't exactly a long term relationship... yet.

 

You made a mistake, you learned from it that 1- you have to know your limits with alcohol, and 2- you care about your boyfriend and want to have a long term relationship with him.

 

Since neither of you have invested much time in this relationship, the cheating didn't go past kissing and putting your boyfriend's sexual health at risk, while I normally don't condone NOT telling your partner that you cheated, if you can honestly say that you made a mistake, feel remorseful, and will NOT, absolutely NOT, do it again, (or drink and put yourself in that situation again), than I think you can let this one slide and work through the guilt on your own.

 

Just remember if this happens again, you owe it to your boyfriend to be honest with him and to allow him the choice whether he wants to stay with someone who doesn't want to remain faithful to him.

 

Good luck, and remember to take this and learn from it.

[venus777]

as bell hooks said in her book "all about love-new visions" people often call what is just investment in the other person love.

[DN]

I agree with Hope. If you tell him you may ease your conscience but you put the burden of ending the relationship on him. It was just a kiss so it's not that big a deal.

 

I think you should not only learn a lesson about drinking but also about your own self control when alone in cabs with ex-boyfriends. Some people are able to maintain platonic relationships with exes - apparently you have a problem with boundaries in that direction, so maybe you should avoid being alone with them. .

[bellis]

Thanks for your post, Hope75.

[bellis]

I agree with Hope. If you tell him you may ease your conscience but you put the burden of ending the relationship on him. It was just a kiss so it's not that big a deal.

 

I think you should not only learn a lesson about drinking but also about your own self control when alone in cabs with ex-boyfriends. Some people are able to maintain platonic relationships with exes - apparently you have a problem with boundaries in that direction, so maybe you should avoid being alone with them. .

 

I know that there is a lot to sort through and work on. Thanks for your post.

[yeawutever]

Well 7 weeks to me would be sure, met a guy last year and nope, still haven't fallen in love yet. But love is not impossible, it does happen, we're humans. I would say that since it was only a kiss, thereforeeee no way of putting your partner at risk, and if there's no way he'll ever find out, don't tell him. Telling him what you did will just mess up your relationship, it would cause a burden of doubt in him and he constantly wondering if you'll repeat it, now you don't want that, agh, that's annoying. So don't tell, but if you were to do it again or it leads further, then that's when you would have to inform him about it. You were just drunk (though it's not an excuse, but do u feel guilty which is good) and only kissing, don't tell. What you don't know can't hurt you. Well good luck on it.

[Spectre22]

It has also made me realize how much control I can lose over myself when I drink.

i'd surely hope you were under the influence when you made this comment:

 

If I tell my boyfriend, he will almost surely break up with me. It will cause him a lot of pain. I feel like it would almost be more selfish of me to tell him.

 

lol yeah, dont tell him, its not selfish to cheat with an ex, what is selfish is to be honest with someone you love about cheating, so yes keep it hidden

 

on another note, the US government should force ALL people who follow the genius idealogy of "if i tell my bf/gf i cheated, its selfish! so ill shut up and keep it to myself" to wear tags of some sort, so i can indentify them and stay away from them

[byates5637]

on another note, the US government should force ALL people who follow the genius idealogy of "if i tell my bf/gf i cheated, its selfish! so ill shut up and keep it to myself" to wear tags of some sort, so i can indentify them and stay away from them

 

I never saw the benefits of living under an authoritarian regime until right now. We must immediately switch production from guns and bombs to cheater tags.

[yeawutever]

I never saw the benefits of living under an authoritarian regime until right now. We must immediately switch production from guns and bombs to cheater tags.

 

Yup, that's IMAO , definitely a good one who then I would know right away if I was dating a cheater, that way I would show him the door in 3 seconds.

[Silver Glow]

If I tell my boyfriend, he will almost surely break up with me. It will cause him a lot of pain. I feel like it would almost be more selfish of me to tell him.

 

What a selfish comment, made only to make you feel better about not telling him.

 

-start sarcasm-

No, don't break his poor little heart(which you so obviously are in love with and care so much about) by not telling him you cheated on him. And who should he be, to make up his own mind about what sort of person he is involved with? Remove any sort of free will, and free thought and you tell him what type of cheating person he should be with! YOU. You tell him that kissing other people is certainly okay if afterwards, nothing happened and so is worthless to tell him.

-end sarcasm-

 

No. Tell him. Others say "It's only a kiss." and "You didn't put his health at risk." No.. it isn't a matter of health.. but a matter of TRUST. Love is Trust. He obviously cannot trust you to go out by yourself, have a few drinks and be faithful. Are you, that commited yet? If you aren't that commited.. (calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend is a commitment btw..) then don't tell him. Work through your guilt. In time you can get over it.

 

If you are however commited to him, you need to explain to him what happened. How you feel about it, and what you learned from it. Be honest, not only with your own heart, but his. As a girlfriend, you owe him that. Honesty and Trust. If it were my boyfriend.. that "only" kissed some other girl, I would have been irate that he even forgot he was with someone that meant he wasn't supposed to be kissing some other girl. He shouldn't even be putting his hand on her body! Even if it was for a shoulder rub.

 

What gives you the right, to withhold that from him? The fact that your cheating on him was only a kiss? That you didn't seriously inflict him with possible sexual and health problems? That you think if your going to stay with him for any given length of time that makes your relationship worth a grain of sand, that you can just not tell him certain things, and that means it didn't happen? Do you trust him not to do the same to you? ANd what if he already has done that? What if on the same night, he was missing being with you, met up with some chic, and ran that old lie through his head.. "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with." and went off and had a good old time with her. Would you feel the same way? That he could just pretend it didn't happen, by not telling you and things should just be hunky dory?

 

By the way.. your two boyfriends do know someone in common. YOU. Just because friends won't talk, doesn't mean other people don't know other people, and it also doesn't mean you two will never run into each other again. What happens if your with your current boyfriend, and your old boyfriend runs into you and mentions.. "Wow, that was a great kiss we had after the wedding." You didn't think you'd run into him the first time, what's to say it won't happen again?

 

Don't kid yourself. I think you need to own up to your mistake, and take the blame. Be honest, and show your current boyfriend just how much you care about him, by being as fair as possible - by telling him what happened.

 

I'm not saying to tell him "Hey the other day, I kissed this other guy. But I still love you!" I'm saying, tell him with heart. Tell him what went through your mind, and just how your heart felt when you realized what you were doing.

 

 

But you also said you initated it. (This is the part that puts you at full blame. Not the Ex, but you.) You still have feelings for your old boyfriend. Are they enough to let you know, you don't care as much as you claim you do for your current guy? If you decide your feelings are worth listening to, don't bother with telling him. Just break up with him. You can tell him when he asks why.

[yeawutever]

Silver Glow, yes honesty is the best in most cases, but she doesn't seem too commited into the relation. It's only been 7 weeks, too me that wouldn't be much, hardly anything. It's not like she had random sex, yes getting drunk is never an excuse, you're still responsible. That I agree, like when you're driving and you drunkenly kill someone, that doesn't relief you from the crime, you're still responsible.

However, she does seem to realize how important the relation is and that is was a little mistake, it could have been worst. Cuz see, most cheaters when they get drunk, they end up sleeping with someone else and she didn't. Yes, I understand trust is honesty is important, but there's a time where being too honest brings a burden instead of relieve. There was this joke once in where the g/f tells the b/f that she make-out another guy and the guy tells her "I went on date with another girl". They both end up crushed as a result.

[venus777]

in this case i think honesty is the best. the reason is that my first love cheated on me early in the relationship by making out with this girl. he was in her room when it happened. i found out about it from the girl 2.5 years later. we were best friends. now i don't talk to him anymore, the reason is that i ended up moving with him to boston and i don't think it was right of him not to tell me about it. i should have some choice in the matter about who i'm with and choosing to be with someone that made out with someone else. if i'd known i would have questioned moving with him, but instead, i moved with him and ended up breaking up with him over trust issues. and so i'm mad at him for not being honest with me about it and won't ever talk to him again.

[yeawutever]

You'll still have trusts issues anyways, I'll never be the same. Imagine all that she'll have to deal with, for just a one time drunken kiss never to be repeated. She can always denied it in case the other guy says it.

[bellis]

yikes...

 

some responses are supportive... some are scathing.. I was not looking for a debate as to whether I should tell or not tell. I'm also not looking for moral judgement and lectures. I'm not telling him. I already said that.

The drunken kiss was a HUGE mistake on MY part, and I feel guilty enough, believe me. It's not worth losing my current bf over this.

 

I have never cheated on a partner before and I don't intend to again. I have been cheated on so i understand the anger in many of your responses.

 

If the kiss had been intentional full-blown sex or an affair, it would be different. The EX has NO feelings for me like that and I do not have feelings for him. He is not at all interested in stirring the pot and letting my current guy know.

 

If the same sort of thing had happened with my current bf (meaning he had drunkenly, stupidly kissed an ex) I wouldn't want him to tell me, especially if it made him realize how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. Period.

 

Thanks for your replies.

[yeawutever]

Yea, I notice a few responses that were to judgmental. Don't pay any attention to them, you didn't came here to be judge nor be lecture about the consequences of not telling. You're here to express the guilt you feel and already say that you're not telling. Yea, come to think of it, I were to to be in your position (never will happened, but just saying) I wouldn't tell either. It wasn't really a big huge mistake you're saying, it's little compare to having sex. If you look at the posts of people actually having an affair, see for all the damages and scars they have caused, definatley nothing compare to ur case. Venis's case was different, she and the girl were best friends. In your case, your b/f and the other guy don't know each other, they're on separate worlds. And since your ex has no feelings at all for you nor letting ur b/f know, then nothing to really worry about. Just let it go and forgive yourself.