Second Chances Happen

[desdichado]

Ok guys, I havent been reading this forum for a week or so now. Basically its because I've gotten my second chance. I thought Id share how it happened for me. Also before I tell the story, I want you to know that its still kind of shakey. We are dating though, which is cool.

 

People say don't beg, don't act pathetic, just walk away. I dissagree. I think that sometimes people do this for about a month. I know I did. It was pretty pathetic. However I don't think it was very detrimental. Just dont do it for more than a month. I imagine most of you can already see how lame it makes you seem.

 

The whole time since the break up, I was very understanding to her. This came naturally because I actually do understand where she is coming from. I think this is pretty important.

 

As soon as we broke up I started looking at myself and problems I may have had in the relationship. Basically I was the same as everyone else, I took her for granted. I took it upon myself to make some huge improvements to my additude. Also I worked out every day. Just to get my confidence back, and if she didnt come back to me it would help meeting new girls.

 

Ok, so after a month of being pathetic I started to just accept whats happened and to stay friendly with her. Instead of begging her to be with me, I listened to her and was just a friend. I did that for about a month. Then I asked her to come hang out with me as friends and she reluctantly agreed.

 

At the time of her coming to visit me, I am in great shape... My personality and additude has been fixed. I had some serious issues, and I still strugle with them. I am getting better daily though.

 

So she basically came over, saw me looking great, and enjoyed my company because I was upbeat and fun to hang with. After hanging out all day we started making out and she spent the night. The next morning she was asking me whether we could work things out. Now, a week later, we are going on a date this weekend.

 

I guess the main point I want to get accross is the same as everyone elses. WORK ON YOURSELF!!! Take some serious time and get yourself to where you can be proud of who you are. I was 20 lbs over weight, and not very social. I played video games way too much and had few friends.

 

While apart I lost 20 lbs, got pretty toned, turned myself into a friendly and social person, quit video games cold turkey (which I am soooo happy I did), and made a few friends.

 

Once youve worked on yourself, invite the person over as friends. See how that goes. Don't push for anything. I flirted a little, but didnt make myself seem desperate.... just fun. The other person may really respind to your improved personality and looks. If they don't, you'll still be in a great place to meet a new person.

 

Anyway, sorry for the poor punctuation/format. I hope this helps!

-Cheers

[CarterJonas]

Well done buddy. What did you do to her initially for her to give you a second chance?

[mystik]

People say don't beg, don't act pathetic, just walk away. I dissagree. I think that sometimes people do this for about a month. I know I did. It was pretty pathetic. However I don't think it was very detrimental. Just dont do it for more than a month. I imagine most of you can already see how lame it makes you seem.

 

Although I'm glad it worked out for you - congrats! I don't think this applies to everyone. What if you, as the dumpee, was the one being taken for granted? What if you were the one being treated badly? What if you were the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend (hypothetically if that were possible) and yet the dumper didn't appreciate or respect that? In that case, definitely do not beg, act pathetic and definitely walk away. You would deserve better, and don't need a month of acting like a fool (though I know we can't help it sometimes).

 

In your case though desdichado, it's great to hear. It's great because after your month of begging, you realized you had to work on yourself first. AND you realized that if she didn't see you for the better you, you would be great for someone else. That's a difficult point in healing after a break up to get to... good for you! Congrats again, hope it all works out

[Relationship Coach]

Congrats but....

 

You may be the exception to the rule if even that. You as a whole have changed and she liked that change which is probably why she has expressed some interest. It has nothing to do with begging, you gave that up a while back and focused on making yourself better and you did.

 

I'm glad that you are sharing your story but keep in mind that in order to have a LTR, time is the ultimate factor in determining your success of a second chance. I as others will certainly pull for you, just go slow and don't repeat the mistakes you made the last time.

 

RC

[solo34]

Well put RelationshipCoach...well put.

 

-Solo34

[desdichado]

Carter,

 

The first thing I did was to understandd where she is coming from, and made sure she knows she can still talk to me. Also I never refused friendship. Oh and dont talk about the relationship or future relationships. Just have fun conversations.

All I can say is you will naturally get to a point where you will realise that you need to improve yourself. I started working out like the day after we broke up. It helped me think clearly... Also after a month or 2 I notice a HUGE difference in my appearance. I have like 2x as much self confidence now. I also went out alot with friends and just had a good time.

 

 

mystik,

 

You are exactly correct! Great input! If you were the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend... and they mistreated you, definitely don't beg. I guess my point was that just because you beg its not that big of a deal. My ex told me that its "understandable." So if you do beg, dont beat yourself up... just realise that you should have self respect and use that to improve yourself.

 

RC,

 

As usual your advice is good! Your right, begging didnt get her back. Ultimately, my changing was the only thing that got her back. Begging was necassary for me I think. It made me feel like a fool, and started the process off self improvement. If someone could read this and skip the begging step... that would be great!!! I wish I would of listened to your advice from the beginning. Remember my first post... I sincerely apologise. You were 100% correct. It's weird how a person, such as yourself, can lead a horse to water... but can't make him drink. :splat:

 

Anyone who reads this,

 

After a break up, look at yourself. Decide if you are the person who you want to be. If not, then work towards that goal. After getting there, invite the ex out as friends... see what happens. They may like the improved you, if not... someone else surely will.

[majord23]

Congratulations desdichado,

It sounds like the fact that you stayed visible in your ex's life whilst 'moving on' to a degree brought her back. I dare say that the confidence you found through working out and improving yourself had a major impact on your ability to 'tough it out' (so to speak)

 

I agree that begging will not get someone back (not in a healthy way nor indeed long term), but it is not the worst thing someone can do after a break-up....as long as it is not done for an excessive period of time.

 

Sometimes 'begging' can actually be a good start to getting an ex back. If someone pleads for a few weeks (to no avail) and then all of a sudden stops, it can give the ex the impression that the person has started to 'let go'. Which can (sometimes) scare the ex a little.

 

Just my .02

[trident]

It's comforting to hear that there is always the possibility of a second chance. It gives me hope.

[Relationship Coach]

desdichado,

I wish you the best and I'm glad you have realized what really works and what doesn't. You seem much stronger and I think you are more in a position of control than last time. You owe me no apologies, I clearly understand the emotions which you were experiencing at the time. You did what you thought was best, I was just trying to get you through the pain faster by having you avoid some of the common mistakes which are often made. Take your new body, spirit and confidence to the next level and find what makes you happy.

 

RC

[Clarkmeister]

desdichado,

 

Hope it works out for you. I am in a similar position at the moment where I have looked at myself after my split and realised i had not been happy. I was always doing sport and socialising and had stopped this when I moved in with my GF. This has caused ALL the strain on the realationship and it eventually gave way. I have now made changes to my life, got back playing sports and getting my own group of friends. I am now waiting for the right time to get in touch with the GF to discuss our future. We are in contact (very light) but we need to talk about things soon.

 

I think it's important to remember there is 3 parts to a relationship, You, Them and Us. For the Us to remain strong and happy, You and Them need to be happy in themselves. In my relationship, I now realise that I wasn't happy in myself and she felt guilty when she was being herself because I didn;t have anyone, thereforeeee we suffered. This built up over 2 years until we split

4 weeks ago.