majord23 Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 Thanks Gee, Yeah, Easter is tough.....too many reminders of how the ex and I used to go at it like Rabbits Enjoy the break Link to comment
enolaton Posted April 15, 2006 Author Share Posted April 15, 2006 Thanks GeeCee... same to you! Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 Hey guys. Nice thread you have going here. Link to comment
BONO Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 So back to the thread " My story" I am spending the weekend with the ex at her request. Currently I am at a wedding though without her. We have had a ball since Thursday night. However, last night *her*friends came up to me and asked want the hell is going on. I pointed out to them that I was here to see if she was serious about getting back together. We had chat later on. I have said this. She needs to make sure that the reasons we split no longer apply. Also that If we get back we both have to give it 100%. If not i will walk, and walk fast. I will cut her lose and she has to set me free. To a large extent it is a big decision as this basically implies that we move towards getting married or bin the lot and move on. Are my emotions in check ?? YES YES YES. Are my mothers ??? NO NO NO ( she has just found out what Im doing this weekened and is not happy ) Anyway thats a separate forum tilted "NC on your Mum " Link to comment
enolaton Posted April 15, 2006 Author Share Posted April 15, 2006 Thanks Keefy... it's cool to see the postive affect this thread can have. Scruff... you don't need any advice from me... except... keep somewhat guarded. All-in-all, proud of you for not just rushing into things... a lesson to us all if reconciliation is possible. One step at a time... Link to comment
enolaton Posted April 17, 2006 Author Share Posted April 17, 2006 Well, just a little update (though not much of an update)... Haven't heard from the ex in about a week, which is a little unusual for her. But, I have had some time to analyze my situation, and realized something. I've come to the conclusion that though no one can be sure what my ex is thinking, I think it's fair to say that when she asked me if I was still in love with her, she wanted to know that I'd always be there, just in case, and not because she has any feelings for me. Thank goodness I didn't answer her. Yet, we have been talking quite often in the past, and we're basically using each other as sounding boards, but I'm doing my best to not make her problems mine (thus, why I haven't called her). In my opinion, my actions and language have not in any way shown that I still have feelings for my her, but when I asked to hang out with her strictly as "friends" (and made that clear to her), she didn't think it was a good idea becuase I may have other underlying purposes for our meeting??? What I don't understand is that she can hang out once in a while with her other ex (who was CRAZY for her), but not me. Now, on top of things, she is hanging out with old high school friends she hasn't seen in like 3-4 years, but avoids seeing me. I know this post seems as if I'm moving backwards but in truth, I'm really just looking for an explanation or understanding. She's the one that wanted to be friends, and yet, she doesn't want to see me face-to-face. Any explanations? Link to comment
GeeCee Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 I have no idea what your ex is thinking either. I know, though, that sometimes people say 'let's be friends' in order to ease their own guilt and the pain that they are causing to another. The problem with our partners leaving is, is it gives us too much time to analyse and over-analyse every little minute detail. I know this is not much help. G xx Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Well I did it. I broke NC, got it off my chest and feel better. At 0730 my time. I sent her the (slightly altered) cute text I used to send everyday when we were together. This way I figured I wouldn't be submissive/needy anymore and I would finally have nothing left to hold on to. And would have no choice but to move on. The text conversation went something like this... ME: Any 'kinda' cute girls on the bus this morning? HER: Just the one as usual!! ME: Well can you pass the phone to her?!! HER: Cheeky!! .. and I left it at that. This way I have let her know that I'm not mad at her, am not bitter and the lines are open if she ever wants to talk. Finally for myself, I know now that I have done all I can. Now I have to move on. I have no regrets and even feel a kind of relief. I will under no circumstances be contacting her again. There is nothing left hanging over me. Plus the fact that I left her hanging a little and have probably confused her a little makes me feel kinda good!! Onwards and upwards people!! So what d'you guys think? Link to comment
enolaton Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 Question eNotAloners... After taking considerable time to heal, has ANYONE (the dumpees) ever laid all their cards on the table and told their ex (the dumper) that you still loved them (knowing that no matter the outcome, you'd be fine)? That you understand where things went wrong in the past and that those things no longer apply? That you wish to be with them and work things out? All this considering that the lines of communication have been re-opened after the break-up, and things are going well. Also, that you realized the break-up was needed, becuase the timing of the relationship was just off, and you've had a chance to grow and learn and mature. Did the ex actually agree to work at a second chance? Link to comment
kadvati79 Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Question eNotAloners... After taking considerable time to heal, has ANYONE (the dumpees) ever laid all their cards on the table and told their ex (the dumper) that you still loved them (knowing that no matter the outcome, you'd be fine)? That you understand where things went wrong in the past and that those things no longer apply? That you wish to be with them and work things out? All this considering that the lines of communication have been re-opened after the break-up, and things are going well. Also, that you realized the break-up was needed, becuase the timing of the relationship was just off, and you've had a chance to grow and learn and mature. Did the ex actually agree to work at a second chance? An interesting question, however, I suspect anyone who has the answer to that won't be on the boards any more I did get back with an ex who I dumped, after he approached me. But only because when he approached me I admitted I had cheated on him terribly, and broke up with him out of guilt. It didn't last long though, we broke up a few months after because I had to move away... Link to comment
Big Jim Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 If you still really love them, would you really be ok if their answer was not positive. I doubt you can love someone and not get hurt Link to comment
NubianLove Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 An interesting question, however, I suspect anyone who has the answer to that won't be on the boards any more I did get back with an ex who I dumped, after he approached me. But only because when he approached me I admitted I had cheated on him terribly, and broke up with him out of guilt. It didn't last long though, we broke up a few months after because I had to move away... I agree, Most people that are on here are still looking for tips/advice, the ones whom it worked for are long gone I plan on doing it when the time is right, months are needed, and prob wont happen for me for another 3-4months at least. Mine is more so not necessarily to get into a relationship but to work back on our strong friendship and grow from there, get our solid foundation back. I think at the end of the day each person's situation is unique, u know ur ex and the type and nature of ur relationship, and based on that, u should know ur comfort level. You might have healed, but they might not have, and you also have to respect that. Link to comment
BONO Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 ( This also rightly belongs here and I have added to for the emotional amongst ya !! ) As first posted I followed the advice here of NC, saying no to friends and moving on. As such my ex came back to me. It was good timing because the other girl took a break from me to have a "think" During the break ironically I just accepted it and subconsciously slipped into the Perfect Plan as posted by Majord23 because my ex had asked me for a weekend to reconcile. The results were amazing. Although she needed a break, she was the one after saying that who then chased me. I did not respond all the time, but when I did was short and polite. In the meantime I took a look at the ex. I spend last weekend with her had a great time, met her Dad again and hung out with her best mates. I was the life and soul of the party. When the subject of us getting back together came up although following my gut I had in the back of my mind what DN said. " You have to make sure that the reasons why you split up no longer apply" I also had Poco views stamped on my head as well, words to the effect of "she better do more than asking you back to get you back". As such we finally had the chat. The outcome was weak to say the least. She could not say that she could give me 100 %, but loved me and adored me also. I pointed out to her that I could, but If she could not then it was a deal breaker. I also reminded her that she should have really thought about this before meeting up. Her stress level rose, because I was being logical, and she broke down. My emotions were a little out of check because It was sad situation to be in. Her friend took me into another room where I did have a moment. She told me that she will never change, and given her past relationships she will probably be going through this cycle for many years if not the rest of her life to come. As such we spent the following day with her dad, who advised her not to make any decision when stressed. She drove me to the station, we both kissed and said we love each other. I left it a few days and then last night phoned her. I took the decision out of her hands and told her I was moving on and not to contact me again. I said this in a very nice tone of voice and also pointed out that if you do love someone but cannot give it 100 % - let them go and set them free. Meanwhile the girl who I was "sort of seeing" and "needed a break" phoned me less than 10 seconds after this to say she had made a huge mistake wanted me as her full time boyfriend. Put that in your pipe and smoke it guys. Yes Im a little sad it did not work out - but it was not my fault. I did all I could to get to a point where she came back so that I could really look at taking her back. Yet, sometimes thats the best it comes to. MOVE ON FAST. Are my emotions in check. Yes I've got a lovely girlfriend who will respect and hopefully soon fall in love with me, as I might with her Scruff Link to comment
enolaton Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 Well, my relationship with my ex is somewhat odd. We both love each other, but we don't really hang out becuase it doesn't seem she wants to (yet she hangs out with another ex - and our relationship was her longest and best one by FAR). But, we'll talk quite frequently... I don't even try to understand what's going on in her head... I dont know Big Jim... I mean, I would be somewhat hurt if the outcome was negative, but what if the ex fears rejection just as much as I do? I'm stronger than I once was. I guess "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take"??? I mean, it's obvious I still care for her, otherwise I wouldn't be asking this. I guess I was just curious if anyone actually told the ex you still loved them, and got a positive response. I'm trying to guage if that'd be a wise choice for me... Link to comment
BONO Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 I did, and she reciprocated. It does not mean that they want you back though. In fact she said she loves me and adores me. Again, actions speak louder than words ! Scruff Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 Enol - learn from scruff mate. His ex said the words...but didn't follow through with actions. Not only that, his ex said the words FIRST. If SHE broke up with YOU...and SHE still loves YOU...then it is not your place to make yourself vulnerable by professing your love. Mate, I'm going to be a little blunt here - you need to get some anger inside ya You seem far too willing to take on the submissive role after your ex has dumped you....start viewing "dumped" as "disrespected" and you'll start to see why you should never give your ex more than she gives you (as far as volunteering feelings are concerned). I've said it before enol - let your ex know that you are interested in her but don't tell her you love her mate. You WILL get rejected and you WILL get her pity but you will NOT get her back....in fact, you'll make it less likely. Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 I agree with Major, enol. As I said before you need to disappear from her radar for a while. It'll give oyu a chance to see how far you've come and it'll also give her the gift of missing you. Let her chase you for a while. Link to comment
enolaton Posted April 27, 2006 Author Share Posted April 27, 2006 Ok, opinion time guys... need your guidance and advice... First, some background: My ex had a number of short relationships before we met, and a rebound relationship after she broke up with me. All of them totalling less then the span of our 3 year relationship (We were each other's one and only TRUE loves). Now, they all ended in pretty much the same matter, with my ex usually getting hurt. With this in mind, my ex eluded to my best friend last night while they were alone for a moment (we were all hanging out) that she wants to remain single and work on herself. He was explaining to her problems with HIS girlfriend, and she advised he break up with her becuase they are having similar problems to ours when we were together; she told him that she's learned to wait at least 6 months before getting into a new relationship, if she is with an previous b/f [me] for more than a year. It seems she is realizing she made a mistake by rebounding and not recovering from our break-up first. I think she is also finally realizing that she needs to "grow up" in a sense, and that her immature behavior contributed to my reactions when we were together, and our break-up. Now, as I've stated in previous posts, my ex asked if I was still IN love with her, and I refused to answer, without a logical explanation. Her only answer was that she just "had to know". Well, putting 2 and 2 together, I'm assuming that based on what she was telling my best friend, she wants to know that I'll always be there for when the time comes when she finally "grows up". As if she knows she needs to grow up, and perhaps we can be together. Everything fits in my mind now as to why she would ask me if I still had feelings for her. I have no other explanation, and granted I'm not waiting for her, but I do still love her. Maybe she's finally realizing that I was great to her. For some reason, her calls to me have become less frequent. But, what do you guys think about all this? I would like to approach her and have a heart-to-heart telling her that I'm glad she's finally decided to look inside herself. Be straight with her, and tell her how I feel about everything. Opinions? Link to comment
enolaton Posted May 2, 2006 Author Share Posted May 2, 2006 Just an update... Hung out with friends a few nights back, and the ex joined. Things are definitely becoming less and less awkward. She was talking to me, and laughing with me, and at one point while alone, even laid her head on my shoulder (which was just sorta out of the blue becuase we haven't had any physical contact since the break-up). She did call my best friend the night before we hung out, and spoke to him for over an hour. She basically confirmed that she now realizes that she needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy with anyone else. She said she will always love me, and that she is well on her way to being completely happy with herself. I'm glad she has finally realized all these things, as I have since the break-up. We're both maturing and learning from our mistakes, and no matter what happens, it puts a smile on my face that we are both on our way to being happy with ourselves... Link to comment
majord23 Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 Good stuff enol, sounds like things are on the right track mate Just continue to stay visible and keep your presense 'pressure free'...it's been working so far, and she seems to be slowly coming around (it's never quick enough though, huh? ). Keep 'em in check bro Link to comment
enolaton Posted May 2, 2006 Author Share Posted May 2, 2006 HAHA... NO Major... it's NEVER quick enough. It feels like it's been a long time coming, but in reality, its only been about 8 months. Nothing has happened yet, and I'm not pinning my hopes to anything happening in the future. Maybe we're just meant to be good friends... Link to comment
enolaton Posted May 15, 2006 Author Share Posted May 15, 2006 Well guys, nothing really new to report. Haven't spoken to the ex in a week and a half. She's been busy at uni. She DID message my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day - just thought it was odd, becuase they weren't really close when we were together, AND they haven't spoken in many, many months. Also, the fact that she still has my mom's screename on her list is odd as well. Found it a little annoying, becuase what's the point of messaging my mom if she's never gonna speak to or see her again. Some have suggested that she may be trying to inch her way back into my life (based on some of her ambiguous actions in the past). Opinions? Link to comment
enolaton Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 Just coming to vent. Today's her graduation from uni, and it kills me that she didn't invite me to go. She came to mine 2 years back, and I wasn't even asked to go to hers. We were together nearly the whole span of her uni career, and I supported her all throughout. Why is it OK for her to wish my Mom (who she hasn't seen nor spoken to in many months) a Happy Mother's Day, act jealous when she calls me every now and than, but she couldn't even invite me to her graduation. She even told me when she first broke up with me, that if we were friends, I could go to her graduation. It was very important to me. I just feel hurt right now... Link to comment
enolaton Posted May 22, 2006 Author Share Posted May 22, 2006 Guys, I could really use some advice here... So, I call her to find out about her graduation, despite how disappointed I was that she didn't invite me, and she calls me back in such a sour mood. Now, we haven't spoken in three weeks; she's been busy with school ending and I didn't want to bother her. I had to call her back becuase I was in the middle of driving, and when I finally get in touch with her, she's giving me these one word answers when I ask about her graduation. I told her I was busy at the moment, but I'd like to hear all about it later, and she gets all moody and tells me it's no big deal, graduation was "just another day". She tells me she has a graduation party to go to when I ask if we can talk later. She proceeds to go on to say again, that it's not big deal, and tells me to go do what I have to do, and hangs up on me. I couldn't believe it. I tried to get out of her what was wrong, but she didn't budge. I tried calling her, and texting her the day before graduation, and I got no response. So, I try to be the bigger person and call her again yesterday. At first, I felt like she was just having a bad day, thought I don't see how, she just graduated. Now, I'm thinking that she is upset becuase I didn't ask to go to her graduation, even though it wasn't my place to. I've been disappointed that she didn't ask me. Should I have asked? Why is she so upset, we're not together anyhow? What did I do? I just tried to be supportive and not push things... Link to comment
pablovblack Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 It looks to me like shes giving you the cold shoulder, I would say that you need to come away and let her decide what shes doing, If you stop talking to her full stop, she will probably try and contact you in a better mood. My ex did this to me, so im just going the whole NC thing, Ive tried to be nice to her and if she doesnt want me then she can take a hike. Link to comment
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