How relaxed are attutides toward sex, really?

[sweetheart230]

I guess I'm just wondering. My (former) best friend, who i've posted about here b/c she's always putting me down underhandedly and making me feel bad, is in a serious relationship with a guy she met while "naked in bed with his roommate and another girl". His roommate apparently told him that she is bisexual and a nympho. She's been playing games with him, like telling him she doesn't want a serious relationship and boom, they're suddenly seriously dating. Apparently this worked for her. I should mention this guy is an a-hole, who is on anti depressants and gives her unperscribed adderol so she can study better... apparently he also poured beer in a girls face and said it was ok cause she wasn't cute at all, and calls ppl fat to their face. But he likes my friend cause she's anorexic skinny and really short.

 

But I guess I'm asking... are guys really relaxed nowadays about the girls they date? I'm not, personally about guys. I don't think I could date a guy I met while he was in bed with my roommate and her friend, but that's just me. I mean this is the age of sexual liberation. But I always thought most guys were traditionalists at heart.

 

Do guys really seriously date girls who have slept with their friend after knowing them like a week? Has women's sexual liberation really come this far? I'm just curious, I suppose. What do you all think?

[avman]

One particular person does not make a pattern for all members of the same sex. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about women in general just because your former best friend had questionable tastes in men.

[Mrocza]

Agreed.

 

She sounds like she has some serious issues with intimacy.

 

You shouldn't generalize this to all women. The definition of "liberation" is greatly debated.

 

Some women think sexual liberation permits them to sleep around as much as they like because guys do.

Some people think this is s*lutty.

Some women think sexual liberation is being able to express herself sexually in whatever way.

Some people think this is s*lutty.

 

It goes on and on...

[sweetheart230]

I guess i'm just personally wondering, do guys really care? I mean my intuition tells me that if you meet a guy while hooking up with his roommate and some other girl, he wouldn't think of you as "girlfriend" material.

 

just curious to see if my intuition is wrong or not. her example says it is. i was just wondering what you guys thought.

[RayKay]

One particular person does not make a pattern for all members of the same sex. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about women in general just because your former best friend had questionable tastes in men.

 

I agree with this.

 

I would hardly call your friend "liberated", nor would I call the guy she is dating a "catch".

 

Here is something you can learn now...there are some guys whom WILL date girls, and there are some girls whom WILL date men, all the time knowing they are not long term material. It's unfair, but I HAVE met many many people whom will have partners and say the entire time "they know it won't be the one that leads to marriage, etc". It all depends on the person and where they ARE in life. Some just are NOT ready to get married at some ages, and later on they will be with someone else. If they aren't LOOKING for a 'future wife' they won't be so picky. People CAN date people knowing it won't last. So yes, they can be "gf/bf material" but not necessarily in the long term or in any deeper sense.

 

And honestly, whom cares if THAT guy sees her as gf material or not, would YOU want to be his gf? I don't know about you, but I don't even want to be friends with a-holes whom would disrespect other people like that, never mind date them.

[Day_Walker]

People get involved when they find another person they can relate to. This doesnt mean that this decision is well informed or even a good decision. It is just their choice to make.

[sweetheart230]

Well she said he's really great to her and she loves him and stuff and its really intense. Then again she could be blowing smoke up my a@#. She's done that in the past quite a bit. Maybe I'm just a jealous mean person cause I've never had a guy be very good to me and I've been a pretty good person. She in turn is very selfish, and behaves very sl*tty and can be extremely mean and seems to have this guy who treats her well and she is actually proud to have met "while naked in his roommates bed with a hot blond chick". Then again she knows how hard a time I had with the last guy i was with and is probably rubbing it in.

 

so i suppose i'm just confused is all. i was wondering if i was just being close minded or if guy's really do have a relaxed attitude toward sexually promiscuous women. I mean he used to get kicked out of the room so they could have sex. and now they're serious. that just strikes me as really odd.

[RayKay]

We have already discussed she is a pretty terrible friend, and that you should not base YOUR ideas on life on what SHE says.

 

Hey, if that's how you want your life to be, do it. But you ultimately have to be true to YOURSELF. People will only love you for you if you ARE you. Know what I mean?

 

Sure, SOME guys might have a relaxed attitude towards it. SOME won't...What kind of guy do you want to be with? How willing are you to compromise YOUR values and feelings to attract someone? This is where your answer I hope is...you aren't.

[ShySoul]

It all comes down to the individual and the kind of person they want to be. Some will see sex as no big deal and just go ahead with any old person. Others see it as something deeper and more sacred. Some won't care who they date, others want to wait for the right one.

 

What matters is that you stay true to who you are. If you are a traditionalist, then stick to it. I'm a traditionalist at heart as well. I think that most people are too carefree with their attitudes and that cheapens the love they have and the acts they do. But in the end, most of these people are left alone and hurting. Some like you sweatheart, you'll end up happier for doing what you are doing. JUst got to believe and stick to what you believe.

[melrich]

It's unfair, but I HAVE met many many people whom will have partners and say the entire time "they know it won't be the one that leads to marriage, etc". It all depends on the person and where they ARE in life. Some just are NOT ready to get married at some ages, and later on they will be with someone else. If they aren't LOOKING for a 'future wife' they won't be so picky.

 

I agree with this. It rings very true to my own experience and that of observing my friends.

 

When we were all younger, relationships probably weren't about finding the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. It was more about learning (not consciously) through experience about the sort of person you were most compatable with. This meant myself and lots of my friends (m and f) dated people that you really did not think they were suited too.

 

As the group started getting closer to the "marrying stage" the couplings started to make a lot more sense.

[ShySoul]

When we were all younger, relationships probably weren't about finding the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. It was more about learning (not consciously) through experience about the sort of person you were most compatable with. This meant myself and lots of my friends (m and f) dated people that you really did not think they were suited too.

 

I know that I'm different, but that just has never made sense to me. I knew what I wanted as far back as I can remember. I want someone who honestly loves me for me, understands me, whom I share the same values, and with whom I know I will always be with. Seems that you wouldn't have to date lots of people to figure that out. And you could learn that from people just by being friends with them and getting to know them without any kind of relationship situation involved.

 

Though I'm not going to change the minds of those who think they have too. So its alright.

[melrich]

Seems that you wouldn't have to date lots of people to figure that out.

 

Yeah I think this is right. I mean the sole objective was not to find out the type of person you are compatable with. I mean reality is the main objective was to have fun.

 

I think like you I would have known (from what I remember) what I was looking for in a partner for life but in the "dating years" that would not necessarily be what I looked for in a relationship.

 

And most of the "learnings" are subconscious. That experience of being relatively close to someone teaches you a lot. Not necessarily about that person but more about how people can be completely different in situations where you know them as a friend or acquaintance to when you are actually in a relationship with them. The main thing you learn, I found, is that a persons "traits" are magnified tenfold in a relationship.

 

But more than anything else, to me, what you learn in those relationships is about yourself.

 

But I agree, many people's "image" of their perfect mate is formed much earlier than this.

[sweetheart230]

I honestly think I know about what I want in a partner, but some of it did come from the last guy I was with. I learned what kinds of things I liked that I got from him, and what kinds of things that were missing. I learned that I wanted someone who made me feel liked for just being myself and someone who I had sexual chemsitry with. I learned I didn't want someone who was hurtful, unreliable, immature, insensitive and someone who didn't want to treat me like I was special. I know the warning signs now.

 

But I guess, (and i guess this goes back to my low self esteem) that I feel like she can do whatever she wants, act really easy, be selfish and careless about other people and guys don't mind... they still like her and want her for a relationship. Whereas, I feel like I can't do a single wrong move if I want a guy to be with me. Of course I have made mistakes, but it just seems like she was actually boasting about how she met this guy while she was hooking up with his roommate and another girl. It makes me feel like I'm not as likable if she can do whatever she wants and guys still love her.

 

But thinking about it more clearly, this guy isn't cool at all. He said his best friend will do whatever he wants him to do cause he's fat and has no friends. And he poured beer on some girls' face and called her ugly b/c she thought he did drugs. And when his roommate said she was only making out with th enew guy cause he was "done with her", he didn't stick up for her. he just walked away. and he didn't say anything when his friends started touching her inapproriately.

 

so i guess my point is, i know what I want, and its not that. maybe I just miss feeling excited about someone and having someone feel excited about me.

[sweetheart230]

I agree with ShySoul, though. You don't need to date a ot of ppl to know what you want. I think, in fact, as much as we like to know what we want in a relationship, when we meet the right person, our list kind of becomes irrelevant.

[RayKay]

I honestly think I know about what I want in a partner, but some of it did come from the last guy I was with. I learned what kinds of things I liked that I got from him, and what kinds of things that were missing. I learned that I wanted someone who made me feel liked for just being myself and someone who I had sexual chemsitry with. I learned I didn't want someone who was hurtful, unreliable, immature, insensitive and someone who didn't want to treat me like I was special. I know the warning signs now.

 

 

Great, this is part of dating! And you sound like you recognize what you need and DON'T need now.

 

But I guess, (and i guess this goes back to my low self esteem) that I feel like she can do whatever she wants, act really easy, be selfish and careless about other people and guys don't mind... they still like her and want her for a relationship. Whereas, I feel like I can't do a single wrong move if I want a guy to be with me. Of course I have made mistakes, but it just seems like she was actually boasting about how she met this guy while she was hooking up with his roommate and another girl. It makes me feel like I'm not as likable if she can do whatever she wants and guys still love her.

 

Sweetie, I think the reason she boasts is because SHE may have low self esteem and covers it up by boasting about it...she has already shown she's a bit of an emotional bully and I honestly think this is part of it. In her own heart she KNOWS this guy does not love her for the "real her" and she covers it up by boasting. Guys don't love her for what she does, I guarantee when they are around one another they don't exactly talk about her amazing heart, and great nature, and beautiful smile....she sounds like a couple girls I knew in my past, and they are using her. She will get used over and over until she learns this is not love.

 

But thinking about it more clearly, this guy isn't cool at all. He said his best friend will do whatever he wants him to do cause he's fat and has no friends. And he poured beer on some girls' face and called her ugly b/c she thought he did drugs. And when his roommate said she was only making out with th enew guy cause he was "done with her", he didn't stick up for her. he just walked away. and he didn't say anything when his friends started touching her inapproriately.

 

Yeah, what a prize he sounds like. He does not love your roommate/friend...he is using her for whatever he can, until he decides to throw her out.

 

 

so i guess my point is, i know what I want, and its not that. maybe I just miss feeling excited about someone and having someone feel excited about me.

 

It will happen, and there is no reason for you to lower your standards for it to come into your life. Be true to yourself.

[ShySoul]

We know pretty much what we want all along, maybe adding certain things as we grow ourselves and become better acquantied with who we are as individuals. But in the rush of life its easy to get caught up in what we "should" be doing. When you see others dating lots of people, you feel left out of the experience so you want to do it as well. Or you think that you have to in order to meet someone ,because how else will you ever meet somebody? You buy into what society tells us we should think and how we should act. You look for dates to fill up an empty spot in you. You have questions and things about yourself that you aren't happy with, so you look to someone else to make yourself feel better. But in the end, you are the one that makes yourself feel better and you had that strength in you all along. There's all kinds of reasons why people dates, but I think its not the all important thing it can be made out to be.

 

I agree with ShySoul, though. You don't need to date a ot of ppl to know what you want. I think, in fact, as much as we like to know what we want in a relationship, when we meet the right person, our list kind of becomes irrelevant.

 

Aw, thanks for the support. That list that people have in their heads, when its with the right person that list will fall aside pretty quickly.

[sweetheart230]

In all honestly, I'm beginning to understand that being true to yourself is really the only way to be happy in the end. thanks for reminding me!