My friend

[Goodfun88]

One of my very good friends is in a really bad relationship and I want to be able to help her, but I've never had any experience with abusive relationships. She just found out recently that she is pregnant and told the guy. Needless to say the guy is not happy. Last night he got drunk and bash her head into the wall and told her he was going to kill her so that she wouldn't have the baby. This totally freaked me out. I have no idea how to deal with this. I've tried telling her in the past to leave him that she deserves so much better, but she says that she loves him. I asked her why she didn't call the police and she said that he would be a 3rd time offender so that means he would go to jail for years. I said good, but she told me she would be scared of what he would do to her after he got out. What can I say or do to help her through this time, because she doesn't deserve this.

[yeawutever]

Wow, your friend knows he's been in trouble witht he law before and she's still with him, even worst pregnant, now I don't understand that. If she doesn't listen, there isn't much u can do, it's up to her to put a stop to it. If u want to u can call the police but I dunno if they're gonna take it into account, ur friend might denied it all together.

[Tesseract_Witch]

What a mess; I agree with Ailec1987, though--you if your friend won't help herself, what more can you do? This sounds unbelievably cruel, but I think that you should let her learn for herself if she doesn't want to risk your helping her.

[Ash]

If she scared of what he might do after he gets out of jail meaning that she knows how violent he can be ... then I would think that this is a situation your friend needs help getting out of. This is something that happens in abuse cases. The abused does not want to turn the abuser in for various real and imagined conditions.

 

Look at it this way, he's already threatened to kill her if she intends to have the baby. When faced with that threat, I would have thought him going to jail would give her a chance to completely vanish with respect to him.

 

I'm not totally up on these things, but I'd suggest talking to the police. I'm not sure if they would insist on an arrest or not but I suspect that is what should happen as he's already assaulted and threatened her life. If you really don't want to do that, Is there any way she can move to a different place where he can't find her?

 

As for your friend denying it, if there are any visible marks of an attack the police will take that into consideration and realize there is intimidation at work as well. They should be used to dealing with that type of thing in domestic violence situations.

[NJRon]

Just as an FYI... here is the web site for the National Domestic Violence Hotline - and here are some domestic violence organizations for Florida

 

Not saying you should get entirely involved, there is a line, but it wouldn;t hurt to call up and speak to counsellors that actually have experience iwth this sort of thing. Poeple who may actually be able to help you.

 

My real concern is less so for her than for her child. She has a choice to stay in this relationship... though I understand why she thinks she doesn't. However, if she has a child, I fear for its safety and find that of much greater concern.

[Ash]

Goodfun, you've said what he said, and what she said. What do you feel will actually happen? It could be as bad as it seems, or it could be him just sounding tough for some reason. Only you know that, we can't tell. Because of that, it's up to you to decide whether to step in or not.

 

NJRon makes a good point. The baby can't protect him or herself.

[Hope75]

I'm sorry that your friend is in this situation.

 

Sadly, there is not alot you can do for her if she won't leave him. Does she have family or friends that you could confide in? Do they know what's going on?

 

I don't know if you or your friend know this, but incidences of domestic violence tend to increase during a pregnancy-- the opposite of what many women believe. The number of pregnant women being murdered by intimate partners during pregnancy is on the rise, and it's only getting worse.

 

Your friend is in great danger, and her baby as well. You could report the abuse to the police yourself, but if your friend won't back up your allegations, there is little they will be able to do.

 

You can give her this link:

 

 

 

It's to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and the 24 hour a day toll free number is :

 

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (write this # down for her but do NOT write what it is for- use the digits not the acronym- if her bf finds it it could enrage him further and put her in greater danger.)

 

Tell her that you love her and want her and this child to be safe. Let her know that you are here when she's ready to talk about it, and be there for her. You can only hope that she will leave him before it's too late for her or the baby.

 

I was a victim of domestic violence too, and I was nearly killed by my ex fiance before I left him. I can't imagine how frustrating that was for my friends to watch me accept and endure the abuse for as long as I did. I will pray for you and your friend.

 

Please keep us updated.

[Goodfun88]

Thank you everyone for your responses. This is just a tough situation for me. I don't know if I want to get involved with the police and everything because I was not there and do not know what happened, this all stuff that she's told me. I will check some of the resources NJRon and Hope provided and maybe pass them on to her. She knows the situation is messed up but I think she feels helpless and trapped. She recently had to move out of her sisters place and get her own place and she gave him keys, and thats what scares me the most. She has nowhere to go, which to me would seem the only option for her would be to call the police but I guess she loves him and would feel bad for sending him to jail, which seems messed up to me. I hope she comes to her senses before its to late.

[Beyondthesea]

She lived with her sister before...why doesn't she confide in them and tell them what's going on?

 

To be honest, if I was in your situation, I would tell her family myself. You may lose her as a friend momentarily, but you could lose her for life otherwise. Let them find out about the situation and they will pull her out of there.