no future

[zombie king]

I'm 25. I've been planning a suicide for a few years. The plan is to kill myself before I turn 30. That's the deadline. I'm trying to give myself more time to see if things turn around.

 

Listing all the reasons almost seems pointless. All involving me being ashamed of myself and not being able to support myself and what friends I had all gone for good and being totally incompetant socially. Being sexually molested by my doctor sure didn't help a damn thing either. And I didn't even bother to try to report it because I just didn't feel like going through all the crap that would happen. I don't think about the future at all. I don't make plans. In order to keep from tearing up all the damn time ,even at my meager job, I constantly daydream memories of when I was happy when I was a teen. Last thing I want to be is a 30-something homeless misanthrope. (I'm already a misanthrope.)

 

Basically,.. I'm still living with my parents and once they get too old to take care of themselves,.. and then die,.. I'll have to live in my car or something. I honestly don't want to contribute to the worlds 30-40 something homeless population. And worst of all,.. is I don't care at all anymore and won't try to do anything about it. I don't see any reason to try to improve my life . Everything is so fleeting and fragile in life that it seems like working towards anything is pointless anyway.

 

well anyway,... It will happen on a Saturday morning when I usually leave anyway and stay gone for hours and hours lurking about town. I'll promptly drive out to a wooded area not too close to any houses or anything and park the car on the side of the road and leave my note in the drivers seat just to explain that it was a suicide of my own decision. I'll walk out into the woods until I can't see the road anymore and kill myself maybe using a gun. I'll only load it with two bullets. One to make a test shot to see if the gun works,.. then the last one for me. If the gun misfires or jams on the test shot,.. I'll abort and wait and try another week with maybe a different gun. Using pills is too risky of failure.

 

I've planned it out so that if I unfortunately don't die instantly,.. I'll at least have almost an entire day to bleed to death and when my parents finally realise that I'm missing there won't be any chance of an ambulance rushing me to a hospital( not to mention the time it would take for me to be found) and then life getting even worse with all the moral and emotional crap that would be thrown around as well as the possible brain damage.

[kickedin]

come on it cant be that bad.....my story....broke up with the girl i wanted to marry....after being everything and anything i could for her.........my business is failing.....my mom is dying...and the rest of my family isnt that close....i fel so alone dont really have that many true friends.....and just wish it would all be better..........i know it must be hard but come on you are worth more then that...i dont even want to say it but i will i would never imagine being at such a low point......when i was with her nothing mattered to me but a lesson learned i need to be happy that i wake up every day because that is a gift that can be taken from youat any moment and some people dont even get that chance to wake up...cherish it...it can only get better right?

[Dako]

zombie king,

 

Sounds like a plan.

There might be some flaws in it, but it sounds practical.

Are your parents going to be okay with their son's death? How do they usually react to a tragic waste of young life?

You might resolve that question before doing it, at least to honor your parents for taking care of you. They must like you a bit to keep you with them.

You could always show your love for your folks by seeking help for your depression. It might save them a future of unending grief.

One side benefit would be salvaging your life enough to explore other ways to deal with feeling like crap. There are lots of pleasant diversions to try before you go.

[Beyondthesea]

Suicide is always a permanent answer to temporary problems.

 

Life has struggles, life is hard. But getting through the obstacles and over the hills...feeling that accomplishment makes it worthwhile.

 

It's quite obvious you haven't looked for counseling services. Why would you allow yourself to suffer so long without looking for help?

 

Seek other alternatives. Although you think suicide is the answer, it's part of the problem.

[shyanne]

not a good plan........many of us here have been unhappy in some ways for years but would never consider suicide. there is always some reason to live and some way to make ourselves happy. maybe not with a partner but with other little things in life. what made you happy as a teen? can you start doing some of those things again? i'm thinking you were molested in between your happy teen years and your current age. maybe that's when you started feeling misanthropic, which would maybe mean you didn't deal with the psychological trauma of being molested. you have to talk to somene about what happened to you, it wasn't your fault. i know you didn't want to go through all the crap but you need to get this off your chest by talking to a professional. by going through therapy, hopefully you'll be able to daydream about what could be instead of what was. your young and have lots of opportunities ahead of you. you currently have a job, your 25 and not homeless. that's a good start.

[zombie king]

Well,... I see it as a practical solution. It's not like it's a sudden knee jerk emotional reaction,.. as I've been planning this and thinking it through for at least a couple of years.

 

just because there are people who have it worse and choose to wallow in their hopeless misery doesn't mean I should feel obligated to join them. My mom is one pathetic example of someone who chooses to keep living her miserable pathetic life just to take care of my worthless snake-eating-its-tail existence, plus her stupid religion.

 

I honestly don't care what my parents will think when I do it. They're both idiots. My dad almost died a few years ago and I didn't even care. I didn't even want to go to the damn hospital. No doubt they'll just blame each other and throw bibles at each other as usual. No doubt they'll try to blame music or videogames or something.

 

I don't even know why I'm typing all this up. I don't need to justify suicide to anyone. Sorry for wasting your time with another selfish brat having a fit. "Oh no, wah wah. I have no drive or willpower or goals and can't function in society and am a complete failure and disappointment. boo hoo."

 

Oh well why don't I just join the rest of the writhing masses and try to have a family to give myself purpose? Oh yeah,.. because I'm not a masochist. If I was a masochist I wouldn't be planning on suicide. I hate the whole entire system that humanity has created. The mind-virus of religion that has ruined the quality of life for "civilization" since forever. The reproductive robots that are slaves to their biological impulses creating wastes of life. I hate people, I hate money, I hate religion, I hate being a part of the whole calamity that is the human race.

 

It's not just a disgust of myself but of the entire human animal.

 

"but you didn't choose to exist." well OOPS!! that's a mistake I'll have to remedy.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Being alive is always better than being dead. Things can get better when your alive, things can not get better when your not alive.

 

You going to give up on life because you think your parents are pathetic? Religion can really screw you up, you just have to recognize that it's not your fault.

 

Make some goals, get some ambishion. CRY why don't you? Your brain is a very very complex thing that needs to relieve stess and pain. Go to school, and try and get a better job. THen maybe you can meet a girl at work, or make some friends. Then go on a vacation with those friends and meet more girls that can change your life.

 

God damn man, think about it. You woke up everyday for 25 years to say things didn't go your way in life. Now your going to end it.

 

You don't have to justify it, it's your choice. No ones life is good the whole way though. Rich celebs have so much money the don't know what to do with it, do you even think Paris Hilton is a normal peron? She loosk depressed everytime I see her, with that cover up smile.

 

I'll tell you, the most important thing in life is :

 

Peace of mind

 

work on getting it. Good luck

[Dako]

You seem pissed. Sometimes that's logical.

I have no religion, close family or cheerful view of humanity's future, but I figure to continue for the 30 years before I fall off my perch.

 

If you don't want help from this clot of humanity, I won't try to persuade you. You're a smart guy who knows what he wants. Getting help for your depression makes no sense if you prefer to end it without trying.

 

If that doc is still in practice, you could take out your anger constructively by shutting him down.

[shyanne]

sure, been a couple of years or more since you were molested, right? i still think that's the root of your problem and one that needs to be addressed asap. no more thinking negatively.....time to stop feeling bad for yourself and do something about it. therapy. that should also help your self esteem, giving you back will power, drive etc.

 

yes, your mom has two very good reasons for living, you and her religion. i bet if you talked to her she'd give you a few more reasons. does she know anything about how you feel or what happened? its not her fault either. can you try and talk to your mom? maybe she can help you with therapy or go with you. there is nothing wrong with having faith in your religion but it's wrong to throw bibles and blame other things for what's happening in our life.

 

your not wasting our time, we have nothing better to do. i think your typing all this up to feel better in a way, i hope it helps some.

[shyanne]

one more thought....... i think your well educated and a fantastic communicator. however, i think your ashamed and scared to talk about what happened, even with your mom. may i suggest you write everything down that happened in your life since your happy teen years.. then let your mom read it alone. that way, what needs to be told will be done without interruptions and will give your mom time to really think through what your telling her. it should also be less embarrassing for you.

[becallamjr]

Honestly, I think you should be more homicidal than suicidal by now. Go to therapy, get some help. Don't waste your life. Get away from your current life and start a new one somewhere else. I believe in God, but not in a religious sense. It sounds more like you want revenge then to die. Go get some help and so you can clearly make a decision, if the help doesn't do anything for you, you can still go through with your plan.

[Dako]

It's often said that depression is anger turned inward.

You have some real reasons to be angry, but not at yourself.

The rest is just your depression lying to you.

[JCAM22]

You say that you don't care??? Yet you are on this website.....I think you are screaming for help.....25 years old....dude, you haven't even seen life yet!!!

[langford]

I'm sorry everything your saying makes complete sense and i completely understand it.All I can say is try and use your bla existence in some meaningful/useful way?,use whatever is in you and there has to be something in you ...to its full effect instead of just extinguishing it because its too difficult.You are more than this little life,use your insight/apathy/sorrow/pain/etc for something larger than yourself if you cant do that then by all means do whatever you want.

 

 

[zombie king]

You say that you don't care??? Yet you are on this website.....I think you are screaming for help....

 

 

well,.. I have been to this site before and I guess I was wanting to hear some genuine caring words that aren't condescending or judgemental. I learned a long time ago that talking to my parents about anything is a bad idea as they only think in black&white and their answer to everything is "go to church" and "pray" and all that stuff which is absolutely rediculous to me. They think the only goal anyone should have in life is to have a family and reproduce,.. which is just degrading human potential down to livestock.

 

Sometimes when something distracts me from thinking about the future and everything and I forget,.. I become "normal" and manage to enjoy stuff. But it never fails that I'll start to evaluate my life and before I know it I'm tearing up and sitting in my room staring at a blank wall and wishing I was dead. It's like If I find myself being remotely content,.. I have to question why and it all falls apart.

 

I can't be ignorant all the time though. I almost wish I could just so I'd stop being like this.

 

The thing about the doctor is,.. when it happened,... It was like I didn't even care. At first I was kind of shocked,... but it happened so fast and then boom I was back out in the waiting room puking in the bathroom but I just didn't really even feel like crying or anything. I didn't feel anything.

[redhook]

Dude don't do it! I had the same plan only it was before I was 27 and man am I glad I did not go through with it. I would have missed out on so much of my life and would not have met some of the ppl I know now or found new ways to enjoy myself. Time will heal all and things will get better. Go see a counselor and get the help you need. There is no need to be embarrassed. I tell ppl with my head held high that I got the help I needed. It WILL get BETTER. Get help from a professional and they will guide you in the right direction.

[Bethany]

To be planning your suicide for a couple of years means you've spent all that time planning the the wrong way out. What a waste. Why don't you start planning to not let this get the better of you and seek help?

[Dako]

Zombieking,

Is that doc out there doing that to others?

[becallamjr]

yo zombie,

 

what is stopping you from getting away and starting over?