I hate clubs. They make me feel terrible.

[RayF]

I had to go to a club last night for a good friends birthday and all i noticed is that they make my self esteem drop to amazingly low levels.

 

I've been told i'm attractive and i know i'm definatly above average and when i'm just out and about i notice all sorts of women noticing me. But at a bar it never seems to be the case. i have no idea why, it could be just because the bar scene always makes me feel so insecure and i don't know why, but i probably look insecure at the bar too. I can flirt or talk to women at school or if i meet them somewhere and have a reason to talk to them (i'm definatly not the type to approach women for no reason, oh well) but at a bar i feel so inhibited to do so.

 

I have no idea what to do at a club, chances are everyone i'm with will start dancing and i kid you not that i am the worst dancer in the world. i have no rhythm. My friends all bug me about this. I don't care if i can;t dance (i'd rather learn to REALLY dance, like ballroom or something) but it does suck when everyone you're with is in there having fun and you look like you just want to die because you hate it so much.

 

It's not like i care if the bar scene is not for me, theres a lot of other things that i prefer to do, but i feel alienated because of my age. A 21 year old atttractive, nicly dressed, intelligent male is afraid of the bar. Everyone else in my social click goes to the bar period. I sit at home and do nothing, sounds great hey?

 

This is something thats been really bugging me latley.

[xblondyx]

Clubs make me feel insecure too. I mean, your lucky that you're attrative. I would rate myself pretty low, and when your in a club with all these gorgeous people around you feel really bad. You just have to learn to be comfortable.

[taunton623]

Hi Ray,

I'm a 27 year old woman and pretty much could have written your post a few years ago. I met a group of friends and my best friend who LOVED clubbing and the bars. I'm shy, kind of a wallflower and I felt petrified and stiff on the dancefloor. But people seemed like they were having so much fun, I figured--why can't I break out of my shell and find a good time here too? Here's a few techniques that worked for me--

As much as you might think people are staring at you/thinking your a bad dancer, they're really mostly not. Most people are likely thinking the same thing you are, a little self conscious.

It gets easier to feel comfortable the more you go out. Also, what helped for me was "faking" that I was having a great time even when I felt like running and hiding in the ladies room, lol. Smiling, clapping, pushing myself to get into the swing of things going on. Pretty soon, I was enjoying myself for real.

I'm not the best dancer by far, but I improved a little by putting some dance music on at home (alone lol) and dancing in the mirror. Felt silly at first but it kind of got me pumped up to go out if I did this while getting ready for the night.

If your not ready to join the crowd on the dancefloor, sit back and observe. Watch how others dance. Pick up some techniques from the guys that look like they're having the BEST time out there.

I agree with your thoughts about how there ARE other things to do besides bars/clubs, but that's all anyone seems to want to do. One thing I found was that a bar where there was SOMETHING else going on, like karaoke, bowling, pool, video games, a band playing, etc. helped me feel more comfortable and broke the ice more than just sitting on a barstool. Maybe you could look online for places like that in your area. Good luck!

[xblondyx]

Yeah, just don't dance if you don't want to dance!

 

I wouldn't say i'm the best dancer. What i did was sit back and watch people and then later on in the night when everyone's had just a bit too much to drink, get up and give it a go. It means you've tried, but no-one's noticed because they're all too drunk!

 

Also, most people are self-conscious so they won't be thinking about what your doing, they'll be thinking about what they are doing.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I've always felt that clubs and bars were like a meat market that only has plastic food. It's all display and little substance. I don't get the appeal of being pressed up agianst a bunch of strangers in too smokey air drinking over priced alcohol. Modern dancing seems more like seizuring while standing up, as for not having rhythm, don't worry neither do a lot of the miscreants flailing about. If the bars aren't you're thing, don't go, find something you do like. Cafe's are a great place to hang out and the atmosphere is so much richer and more adult.

[renaissancewoman101]

CB, nightclubs and bars ARE a meat market and I have heard some friends of mines referring to them as that, as they go out to those places, dressed all nice and go hunting for a new guy. One of my friends, when I was in college, she would drag me with her to the bar/nightclub so she could go pick up guys and I was her decoy/

 

Bars and nightclubs are too crowded and noisy and smoky. The music is ok and I like nightclubs mainly for the music.

[Scout]

Wow, interesting thread. I used to feel extremely insecure at the clubs when I was your age, and I thought I was the only one in the world who felt that way. Apparently not!

 

It sounds to me like you simply have more wide-ranging interests and would prefer to do something more interesting with your free time. No need to feel insecure about that. It just means you're not satisfied with entertainment for the masses.

[Sunshine07]

I always have a shot or two of vodka before I go out to parties, clubs and bars. Loosens me right up. I'm an awful dancer too. My friends make fun of me, but I don't really care what I look like as long as I'm having fun. Girls expect white guys to be bad dancers anyway.

 

But if its just not your scene, there's lots of other stuff to do. If you don't like it, you should do other stuff that you enjoy. Who cares if your 21 and SHOULD be doing that stuff. Do what you want to do because its your life and in the words of jimi hendrix "i'm the one who's gotta die when i gotta die, so let me live the way i wanna live".

 

If you really just don't like bars, then don't go. If you are just afraid of looking stupid and hitting on girls at bars, then you should work on your confidence levels and conquering your fears. 90% of people look stupid dancing, most the people are too drunk to notice and it'll be a lot easier if you stop worrying and just enjoy yourself.

[traz]

meh, alcohol helps me get over my fear of dancing. If I was sober, I'd hate being at a club...I'd be standing around feeling dumb. But with a couple drinks in me, I relax and i WANT to dance. I'm also not scared to try dancing with girls...and once you have a girl to dance with, nothing else matters hah.

[gersanos]

I'm pretty much in the same boat. Clubs and bars don't do it for me, and I'm only 24. Almost everyone I know is at a bar/club weekday or weekend. I had fun with it in college, but now that I work, and try to save money, and have found other interests, I find it rather disgusting.

 

I will go out to a bar every once in a while to catch up with some friends, and here is what i hate most about them: I meet women when I go out. Sounds counterintuitive, I know. But here is what I mean. I'd say that about 90% (if not more) of the people out at a bar/club are looking to hook-up (at least around me which is a major city). I have had plenty of girls come up to me and initiate. Some have asked to dance, some have flat out told me that they think I'm so cute, and one even said she'd love to go out with me, but would settle for sex - charming isn't it? To many men, this is a dream come true. Not to me though.

 

I wouldn't mind meeting someone, but I'm not looking for a one night stand, or a make-out session. Making out was cool in high school, or, if I'm doing it with a girl I'm into nowadays. Random girls that look good or hot don't cut it for me anymore. Hot girls are a dime a dozen. While looks are important, I'd rather find someone who inspires me, makes me want to be a better person, a better man, and someone I'd consider a best friend instead of someone who can shake her booty and take down a few good drinks. Action you can get anywhere, and well, I've had plenty of action to where I've "settled down" without actually wanting to "settle down" and tie the knot (not sure if you understand, kind of confusing).

 

I've been single for well over a year. It's been my choice. I have grown so much as a person, and learned so much about myself, and concentrated on work, school, working out, and saving money, things which will better my life.

 

Here's an example: Last Friday night I went out to a bar, first time in around 3 weeks. Music was blarring, many of the girls eyes just wander like hawks, seeing what they can swoop up (men as well), I spoke with a couple of girls who looked good, most were chain smoking cigarettes, and having one drink after another. If I asked what they do and such it was a broken record: I live at home with my parents, I'm a dropout but wanting to go back to college, I go to this and this bar and club in my free time, etc. Nothing inspiring or productive. I was so turned off by one of the girls, that she finally snapped at me and told me "you wouldn't even know what to do with me." I wasn't offended. I just didn't care. I left before midnight to go home (on a Friday night) pretty disgusted and glad I was going home.

 

Much of the way I think is because I have done it already: getting action, dating super hot girls, sex in virtually any place you can think up of (no church or cemetery - that'd be too creepy), drinking and puking all over myself, smoking pot, snorting coke, picking up strippers in foreign countries, taking bets that I can go and get that girl's number, etc. I wasn't successfull each and every time, but for the most part yes, I got what I wanted. Now I don't want that, I don't want the hot girl, I don't want a girl that goes to parties & bars & clubs on a regular basis, and I despise the drug and alcohol lifestyle. I'd much rather find a cute girl to go to a museam with, sporting event, beach, etc, then to get all dressed up, hang with people that are pretty shallow and dumb for the most part, and, usually, watch 2 or more guys get into a fight b/c there drunk and/or it involves a girl.

 

Sorry of any of that sounded depressing or what not to you - my experience with it all was possibly deeper or broader (or worse) than some of the posters here. It just doesn't float my boat anymore, but, it did at a point in my life, and I don't regret it - it all made me who I am today. Some of the girl's I'm friends with say I'm old, in that I find many of the activities that most 20 year old's do boring and overrated, and that's just because I started doign that stuff very early in life. In fact, I'm glad I got sick of it at an early age. I have so much to look forward to in life besides that, and I'm very excited about that. Just focus your energy on things you like, things which are positive, make short term and long term goals, and then achieve them.

[fishrrshortae]

Gersanos --

 

Same thing here. I am almost 23. You'd think I love the bars/clubs.

 

Not so much.

 

We all know the reasons why those places can be pretty disgusting.

 

Furthermore, yes it is just a meat market, the only people that like to go are the ones who can prance around half naked without any fears in the world. For the rest of us mere mortals, going to a club or a bar is a pretty damn good way to come home feeling awful crappy about yourself.