Exes Contacting You: Advice from a Newspaper Columnist

[Msnak]

So we all wonder why exes get in touch, or maybe we've thought about reaching out to someone. Here's a perspective on that.

 

This is from the Washington Post...thought it was interesting enough to share. Opinions welcome.

 

Suburbs, Maryland Hey Carolyn, quick question. Why do exes insist on keeping themselves around? What on earth would possess someone to attempt to rekindle with their long-lost boyfriend/girlfriend? Does it not occur to these people that others move on, and that their selfishness could be hurting all sorts of people? I'm coming at this from the perspective of one who's recently been contacted by an ex, AND had my significant other recently contacted by an ex, AND had to deal with a friend who was upset after an ex contacted her? What is with this phenomenon? Do people not know that the word "past" means "not present, not future?" Thanks for any insight you can lend, but please don't just say that maybe it's something they have to do for themselves, something they still need to work out.

 

Carolyn Hax Why not? Certainly some of those cases can be selfish, but certainly there are others where these bounce-back exes were denied any sort of breakup satisfaction other than, "Seeya"--which, obviously, is its own kind of closure, but it seems a bit heartless to condemn every single one who tries to find some hint of why.

 

And, some people actually do rekindle relationships, so I think it's a bit harsh to condemn all attempts as selfish and unrealistic. If someone wants to get back together with an ex, that person does have a right to give it one shot, don't you think? (Then, when the answer is no, take it on the chin and stop trying.)

 

And, you're also assuming that all contact from exes is an attempt to rekindle. There is the possibility that, though officially "ex," these people enjoyed their time in the relationship and occasionally act on their warm memories by saying hello. To call that unacceptable is also pretty cold. "We were in love and spent every day together, but now we're not and we don't, so please have the courtesy to drop off the face of the earth and never contact me again."

 

Simple, non-pushy, onetime (or widely spaced occasional) contact doesn't have to hurt anyone. You say hi, you ask how s/he's doing, you decline invitation to rekindle, you express warm wishes, you say goodbye.

 

Source

Live Discussion With Advice Columnist Carolyn Hax (Tell Me About It)

Washington Post, Friday, March 3, 2006; 12:00 PM

 

 

[ShySoul]

Nice article msnak. Thanks for sharing.

 

I think that an ex contacting you could be anything from wanting to see if anything is still there, to just trying to have a friendship. Just because a couple breaks up, doesn't mean they can't remain friends or talk occasionally. I personally would want to remain as good friends as I could with any ex, even if they hurt me. Being able to work through the pain and both admit what happened and then finding a way to not let that keep us from being friends.

 

Of course, if the ex starts to become to pushy and start something you don't want, then its a problem and you shouldn't bother trying to stay in touch.

[Msnak]

Shy, thanks. I saw it and immediately had to share it. I think people don't always know WHY they want to contact someone. It can be so complicated sometimes.

 

I actually have two exes I would contact for the following reasons: (1) to go to concerts together since few of our friends like the music we like and (2) to have someone who can afford to travel overseas with me.

 

So, the thought is in my head often. I would love to be friends with a few of my exes, but I quickly boot them out of my life once we don't click romantically. Maybe that's a problem? Because I haven't tried to work things out and maintain our friendship?

 

I guess laziness and misunderstanding on their part, keeps me from contacting them. Both were great guys. I wouldn't have to pursue anything romantic; actually each of them have lost some of their "shine" anyway! But they were great people, so I do miss them.

[ShySoul]

Depends on how the breakup went. If its peaceful, then why not keep a friendship? But if it was rough, then you don't want anything to do with the person. After a breakup we are naturally down and confused, so constantly being around the person is a reminder of everything we don't have. And it makes the healing thing takes longer, at least for most people. So time apart is cool. But in time, don't see why you can't just hang out with an old friend, even if one happens to be an ex.

 

Of course, thats just me. Some people may not be able to handle it.

[traz]

heh, I"ve been thinking alot about this recently. My ex of 5 months recently called me twice late in the night (like 2 am). I wasn't able to answer, but when i saw in the morning I txted her back with a simple hi, and never got a reply. It just got me thinking as to the motivation behind it haha...was she drunk? Did she just miss me? Did she just want me to see her number and remember her?

 

Stupid ex's ;p

[GottaLetItBurn]

I feel you to the post above. It's been 6 months, and before we were official, she blew me off cause her loser ex came around. It hurts still so bad, and I hate seeing pictures and people telling me about them.

 

It does ruin the healing, or slow it to hear from them, if they did you wrong. Then they want to send you a "I miss you" email, text, IM.

 

What ever, I think it's best to move on. No matter how close you were, because if they left you. Then they can live with the thought of "What if?" their whole life.

 

DOn't give them the chance to come back around, and see what they have done to you, and then leave again.

[zavlow66]

I am not a fan of the "Friendship Thing" after breaking up. I know some have heard this before but it's called a "Break-up" cause it's broken. Friendship is a very big part if not the biggest part of a relationship. I believe when a relationship ends...every part of that relationship must end as well. It's just best to cut your losses & try your best to move on with your life.

 

Just my 2 1/2 cents about this

[DaMadHatter]

I somewhat agree with the post above, I mean breakups suck no matter which way you look at it. But let's be real for a moment and realize it's OVER. I don't really see a point in trying to maintain some sort of forced friendship, not immediately at least, and definitely not if they wronged you.

 

I think it depends on how intense the relationship was and how deep your feelings went for the other person. If they were deep you're only doing yourself a disservice by sticking around as a "friend". I have plenty of friends i don't need exes around as some sort of quasi weird dynamic friend.

[ShySoul]

The way I see it, I don't go into a relationship unless we have been friends for awhile first. That friendship becomes the core, and the most important thing above all else. Thus, if a relationship doesn't work out, then that part can fall aside. But the friendship still remains because we've made certain that the friendship means the world to us and will never die, no matter what happens relationship wise.

 

I think the problem most people have, is that they tend to form relationships before the friendship is laid out. thereforeeee, when the relationship ends, there is no foundation of friendship to hold them together. They weren't looking for a friendship, they were out for the relationship and hoped it would lead to a friendship as well. But things don't really work that way, and so it becomes an all or nothing proposition.

[Msnak]

I think Shy makes a good point. If you meet someone and go into it with the intent of building a romantic relationship, once you break up, you part because there isn't a friendship.

 

So I wonder if the situation is different if people agreeing to be friends go the romantic route and then break up. Can they last? Should they try to be friends?

 

My Sidenote: I'm sort of in that situation of friendship turning into more--possibly--but I won't let it because I have to overthink it first! Kidding. Really, I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I wonder if our platonic compatibility could be more.