I want to send her (ex) a bday card

[Royltnxile]

Her bday was Wednesday March 1st. It's been a year and we haven't seen each other since the break up which occurred last Valentines Day, over the phone. There have been furtive and tentative attempts by each of us to "reach" out occasionally over the past year. She is commitment phobic, has intimacy fears, anxiety, mild depression, and she is generally kind of an emotional "whackjob" Nothing negative happened between us and she treated me very well. All the signals were there that she was very much into me. 4 months of dating and all systems go, then her issues kicked in when her walls started coming down. Typical story that I have seen on here many many times!

 

I've largely left her alone and never really chased her. She got scared, panicked, and ran...but she looked back a couple of times. However, she never came right out and said "I made a mistake". I always got the vibe that she didn't want to break up with me like she did, but felt she had to..and the definate vibe afterward that she expected me to pursue (chase) her, or that she expected me to just settle for being the dutiful "friend" guy after she did what she did. I didn't. I decided that being her friend was selling myself short and in order to preserve any possibility of reunion in the future, my best bet was to withdraw from her completely and live my life as if she were never in it, nor would she be in it again.

 

I let her go and left her alone. I have been a poster child for NC! She last tried contacting me with a lame message a couple of weeks before Xmas, and another "no message" call...but I didn't call her back because I didn't have a clue what she wanted, (and thought that after our last phone conversation where I asked her to lunch at her convenience, which she failed to follow through on). I thought it best back in December to just leave her be and take the attitude that if she has something to say, or wanted something more than an ego boost and some validation/gratification, she would have left me a detailed message with something tangible and of substance. I think I did the right thing by not calling her back, but I still have some pangs of guilt about it.

 

I never doubted how she felt about me, and I still don't. I don't really "want her back", in fact I'm seeing someone else (but that's sort of rocky and entirely different matter - too long to get into on here). I guess I just want to drop her a little bday remembrance and remind her that even though it's been so long, that I still think of her and still care. Also, I guess to keep just a little tiny chord of contact alive because we don't know what the future holds.

 

What do you guys think?

[trident]

The questions to ask are what are your intentions? If you want to send a card simply becuase it's a nice thing to do, then waht's the harm?

[Relationship Coach]

She is commitment phobic, has intimacy fears, anxiety, mild depression, and she is generally kind of an emotional "whackjob"

 

I'm headed out the door to Hallmark, I'll look for a suitable card!

 

Seriously, what are you looking for? Is this just a nice (but late) gesture on your part or are you looking for a reaction from her by sending the card? You said yourself, you don't want her back. I'd let the past stay in the past.

 

RC

[Royltnxile]

No expectations of hearing from her or rekindling anything at this point. Just a gesture I guess. I'm not looking for a reunion, and I think getting a bday card from me after she hurt me so badly the way she flaked out on me would both surprise her and make her think - which in her case, may cause her some anxiety...hehe Undoubtedly she knows how much she hurt me last year, and undoubtedly she probably feels pangs of guilt and shame for what she did as well. What's wrong with reminding her a little bit by continuing to be the bigger person?

 

A simple card, or funny one signed merely:

"a few days late I know, hope you had a good one" - J**

[trident]

which in her case, may cause her some anxiety...hehe

 

 

Wrong reason to do something like that.

[Royltnxile]

Wrong reason? How so? Like I said, I never doubted how she felt about me. She got scared, panicked, and ran. She drops me the occasional "no message" phone call on my caller ID, been going on for a year now. We last talked on the phone back in September...I suggested meeting for lunch and left it in her hands, and she failed to follow through...then she leaves me a lame message before Xmas, and another "no message" call. I didnt call her back. So if a card from me activated some of her anxieties regarding me, what's the big deal?

[trident]

Is your purpose for sending the card to "activate anxiety" or to just say "happy birthday"? If you're trying to be malicious and play with her emotions, then it's wrong. If you simply want to recognize a day with a nice gesture from the heart, no matter if she responds or not, then there's nothing wrong.

 

Again. The point is your intentions & not her reaction.

[traz]

I broke up with my ex about 5 months ago, and its her birthday at the end of the month. I was thinking of just sending her an email or txt msg on the phone as well, just as a nice gesture, to try and get some sort of friendship going, which we don't have right now. If you're in a similar situation to me, I say why not.

[DaMadHatter]

I say why? what's the point, you said it yourself you don't want her back and she's an emotional wackjob. I think she realizes that she screwed up and made a mistake by letting you go and if you contact her it'll only raise false hopes in her that you might come back, which you've stated is not gonna happen. I think for her well-being you'd better just let the past stay in the past.

[Outofoptions]

My ex had her birthday on March 3rd and I was for weeks deliberating over whether to send her a card or not. Part of me was thinking it'd be a nice gesture especially what she did for my birthday after we broke up and the other part of me thought, she isn't part of my life any more so why would I acknowledge that.

 

In the end i decided to not send her a card. She would understand me not sending a card and I needed to keep the healing process going.

 

If your ex is not part of your life then I don't thinking sending a card is an option. If you guys were friends then I don't see it being a problem.

 

If she suffers from depression and anxiety and you are sending her a card to bring some of that stuff on then you should definitely not send a card.

[Royltnxile]

I guess I survived the urge to send her that bday card. Now a week has passed since her bday so I guess I would look kind of foolish wouldn't I? lol

 

I'm still bummed out though, and still thinking about her too much. I'm sad because even though I was right not to send a card, I realize that it would have been a good opportunity to at least break the ice, just to keep the avenue of communication open. Then again, I realize that it's best to just practice the NC, she knows how to get ahold of me should she want to.