He has contacted me after a year

[misslonelyheart]

Hi,

 

My boyfriend broke up with me just over a year ago. It was very sudden and so I believe that he was already seeing someone else and left me for them (we were together for 5 years and living together for 4 and a half years)

 

We have had no contact since then, apart from two text messages from him asking if I was ok after the July London bombings (I work in London) and asking if my family was ok after the Buncefield Oil depot fire. I simply replied on both occasions that I/my family were fine, and nothing more.

 

I have made no attempt to contact him whatsoever and the last time we actually saw and talked to each other face to face was in March last year.

 

I got an email from him out of the blue a couple of days ago saying that he thought he saw me at a railway station and didn't know whether to say hello so didn't but emailed instead to say hello.

 

I am not sure what to do or how to interpret this. I know that he has never had anything remotely to do with any of his previous ex's before - once he leaves, he never contacts them - so I am surprised to hear from him.

 

I did not want the relationship to end and I do still love him (despite my efforts to hate him!!) I don't want to make something out of nothing but if there was a chance that he was reconsidering his decision, should I email "hello" back to try to get some communication going or just leave things alone and not reply?

 

Like I said, I don't want to read something in it that isn't there, so I would appreciate any advice.

 

Thanks

[evy38]

You've been healing for a year, so I guess my question to you is, are you ready to get back on that Merry-go-round? Are you willing to reopen that wound on the strength of 1 email? Could you handle it if you find out it was just curosity that caused him to email you, and if not, are you willing to become the consolation prize? Because I think that might be how you start to feel. What happens if you get back together and he meets someone he wants, a year from now?Would he behave the same way? Why not, if you took him back once. You would have to start this process all over.

[starion]

you know, i extrememly rarely login, mostly just read, but i had to dig up my login info just for this post and why you ask me?

the situation is extremely strangely similar. i am that guy, well not YOUR guy, but you get the point.

of course, i dont know how similar in reality the two stories are but from description of yours it is just too similar.

we(I) broke up after 4-5 years together(living 2-3 together), 9 months later i contacted her.

i never want to have to do ANYTHING with my exs, not that I always break up, usually i am being broken up with

the stories may start to differ as more infor is out but you can ask me anything you want.

[Scout]

Ok, normally I'm not a big advocate of getting "closure" because I feel most of us have the answers to why our relationships ended, we just have a hard time facing it. But in your case, I get the feeling you never really were told why the ending was so abrupt. And you were with this man for a long time.

 

I'm curious, did you have any other reason to believe he left you for someone else, other than that he left so abruptly?

[misslonelyheart]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Scout, you are right in that I feel that I don't really know why he ended the relationship. He did the usual "it's not you, it's me" and said confusing things like "I could live with you for ever, I love you but I don't love you" - stuff that just didn't really seem solid.

 

I believe that he left me for someone else because of the suddeness of it all. I know that people say there are always signs but you choose not to see them but, really, in my case there were no signs whatsoever that he was at all unhappy until about 3 days before he left. I am a sensitive person and pick up very easily on peoples mood changes and know when things aren't right with someone and he showed no signs at all. We were very happy, did all our usual things, having a laugh, took time off together and had plans, so him falling for someone else seems like the only real explanation - but I don't know this for sure.

 

Starion, in the relationship you mention, did you break up with her or vice versa? and why did you contact her after 9 months - had you been thinking about her the whole time or just suddenly one day felt that you needed to talk to her? What happened after you contacted her - did you get back together?

 

I am not sure what to do in my situation, should I email a Hello back and see what happens - is he testing the waters to see if I am open to communication? or did he just simply want to say hello? (which, as I said, is odd because he never has anything to do with ex's normally - I think he likes to pretend we never existed so that he can void out the failures and start afresh and maybe feel less guilty???)

 

I think ultimately, I would take him back if he wanted to come back as I do still love him.

 

I also feel that he has been very selfish in contacting me as he must know that it stirs up feelings again that I was doing very well to get over.

 

Oh well!

[starion]

I am not going to give too many details, if you want details PM me, I just can't share with the whole world for some reason.

Anyway, yes I left, it felt sudden even to me and even more sudden to her.

I was always thinking but was trying to distract myself with life(I know sounds too general, but). After sometime started thinking more and more to the point that it became more and more difficult to just live with those thoughts. I struggled and struggled and finally gave her a call.

We started meeting up once a week sometimes twice a week for a number of months.

To make a long story short, yes we got back together.

I have no doubt that this is a girl for me but with everything that happened the emotional impact on me has been too great. It is getting better even if little by little. I think she is doing much better than me about leaving past in the past and moving forward.

I want to help you as I am greatful that we got another chance(and hopefuly not just a chance) so ask anything you want like I said.

I know i left all the details and reasons, but...

[misslonelyheart]

Well, I ignored the first email.

 

Then week and a bit later, I get another email saying same thing as before, that he saw me at station and wanted to say hello, would it be ok to say hello.

 

I emailed back saying that it might have been me as I was at that station, I said that I was fine and that I hoped he was ok.

 

He emailed straight back asking again it is ok to say hello.

 

I left it for a day, then emailed back and simply said that if he wanted to say hello, he can.

 

He emailed straight back again with "Then I will. Take care"

 

So that's that then. I feel that he has messed me about and I feel stupid for indulging him in his little email game. Not sure what he was playing at. I doubt very much that I will hear from him again. Was he just mucking me about to see if he could get me to respond so he could feel powerful over me?

 

At least I was polite and was neutral with him and hopefully came accross as though I didn't care either way.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Lady Bugg]

MissLonely I think you did basically all you could.

After a year....I don't think I would have even bothered replying, but that's just me.

 

Best in all to you

[Scout]

I think you handled this admirably. Well done! (And if you experience a moment of weakness to find out what he wants, don't give in to it. Let him do all the work, and even if he does make some kind of announcement that he wants you back, stay neutral and let him do all the talking. Almost as if you're politely listening to a salesman, lol.)

[misslonelyheart]

Thanks Ladybug and Scout.

 

I don't get the feeling that he wants to come back. I don't know what this contact was all about - possibly just an attack of guilt and nothing more. If so, I think it is very selfish of him.

 

I doubt very much that I will hear anything from him again.

 

Oddly, the thing that upsets me the most is his use of the term "take care". I don't know why really, I just find that term really patronising. It seems to say "take care, although really I don't actually care very much what happens to you anymore but I have to say that to pretend that I do so people think I am a nice guy and not a total sh1t for walking out on you"

 

It is funny that, after everything that has happened, it is these two, simple little words that seem to hurt the most.

[NJRon]

I use it as a better thing to say than 'Good Bye' ... it's not so final.

[Lady Bugg]

I think it's because the feeling behind the words were so shallow. I don't blame you really for being a bit annoyed by it.I would too.....

[misslonelyheart]

It makes me feel that the whole point of this contact was to see if he could get me to respond, "take care" feels like he is saying:

 

"ha, ha I still have power over you, I had fun with my little game, now you can p1ss off" ](*,)

[misslonelyheart]

well, I got those "thought I saw you, can I say hello?" emails about 3 months ago.

 

I said he could and he said "Then I will. Take care"

 

This morning, we walked right past each other in the street - he looked at me and carried on walking.....

 

....so much for wanting to say hello. The t0sser.

[DCMann2]

well, I got those "thought I saw you, can I say hello?" emails about 3 months ago.

 

I said he could and he said "Then I will. Take care"

 

This morning, we walked right past each other in the street - he looked at me and carried on walking.....

 

....so much for wanting to say hello. The t0sser.

Well, at least you know for sure now, right?

[misslonelyheart]

Well, not really.....

 

What was the point of the emails saying he wanted to say hello?

 

Is he just trying to mess with me for some reason?

 

just don't get it.

[ranlian]

completely forget about this guy. that just wasn't even respectful of him...

but did you say something when you walked passed him in the street?

[Wimpy]

Hey I read your post from the start and saw the date and as I hit page 2 I thought it must have an ending and it did-just not the one I hoped ](*,)

 

As I was reading it at the start I just couldn't stop thinking that the only reason he did what he did was to see if you were still there for him. I think he really did see you at the station but was too gutless to take a chance and speak to you so he decided to "test the waters".

 

I think that you will feel annoyed that you gave in but at the same time at least you behaved with dignity. You didn't say "oh yes PLEASE talk to me I've missed you, I still love you and I want us to be together" did you?

 

You simply said "yep it's probably me and yep talk to me if you wish"

 

Don't beat yourself up. In years to come you won't torture yourself with "I wonder what would have happened" or "if only...." He's the muppet not you. At least now you know for sure what a plonker he is and you can hopefully get over it and finally move on and find someone more deserving.

[misslonelyheart]

I emailed him to let him know that I saw him and that he looked right at me and carried on walking even though he had emailed previously to say that he wanted to say hello!

 

I was going to leave it alone but my anger got the better of me. I was angry that he made a big deal of wanting to say hello but then ignored me. The email was light though, I didn't show any anger in it.

 

He replied that he didn't see me and that he was sorry.

 

That's it, nothing more, so DCMann2, you are right, I guess I know for sure now that he wants nothing other than for me not to forget him!

 

I am pretty sure that he will send me another meaningless email in a few months time.

 

I wonder if he is just p1ssed off because since we broke up nearly 18 months ago, I have made no effort to stay friends with him, have made no contact whatsoever with him (apart from the aforementioned email - my only slip so far!!), not tried to see him or talk to him at all.

 

I don't think he is used to that. I believe that previous girlfriends have chased, pleaded, begged, etc. I wonder if he is doing this to provoke me into pleading for him to come back, to fuel his ego?

 

oh well.......

[Abcd2girl]

You might be right about his ego. I bet he was surprised that you never attempted to contact him and he was curious and that's why he emailed you. It's a little power control game - he broke up with you and had the upper hand, you never contacted him and this bothered him and then (in his mind) the power shifted to you, so he had to get the power back by emailing you and saying "take care" when you responded. He knows this will bother you, so now he has the power back. It's sick to do that to somebody, especially when you must know that you hurt them so badly. Don't worry about sending the email, sometimes it helps to let out a little steam. He hasn't given you any real signs that he wants things to be different, so try to forget about him and don't get sucked into his little games.