venus777 Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 So, I met this very cute boy, we went on a total of two dates last week and he's called me several times, thing is, he has been a bit flakey. Let me describe the scenario, and tell me what you think. The dates went nice, he didn't kiss me and I felt good about that, cause it means he is being respectful. But it's the flakiness that drives me crazy. For example, he called me Wed night and said he wanted to see me, maybe we could have lunch the next day, so I called him on my lunch break and he wasn't dressed he said (I had a limited amt of time and had to take my break at a certain time), this was bit more understandable cause nothing was set in stone. But then he called me Thurs night and said he wanted to see me, to call him after I got off work Friday so we could hang out. When I did, he didn't answer the phone, it was 6:30pm, I called again at 8pm and asked him to call me and let me know if he still wanted to hang out or not so I could make different plans. He didn't call me back, so I got curious, I blocked my number and called him at about 8:15. He answered. I hung up. I then knew with my investigation that he had got my messages but wasn't calling me back. This bothered me, like what the heck is going on. So, I thought about it, called him at 8:30 and he didn't answer and I left a message saying I was confused, like what is going on and so it was nice meeting him, bye. He called me back like immediately and said, what? are you mad? I said, not mad, just confused, are you jerking me around? and he said, no, but you are upset, you must be feeling me! and I said, shut up (laughing) and he said, don't get shy now... He said he was sorry for not calling me back and said something about working on the computer. So I told him that while he hadn't called me back, I'd made plans with my friends to see some fights and he said he wanted to go; I told him we were going at 9:30 and he called me but I didn't have the details yet. I called him at about 10:15 with the address but he didn't call me back, and I called him when we left the place (it was weird and we left early). He didn't call me back at all. By then I was really frustrated. We went dancing it was lots of fun. By 1am he still hadn't called me, so when I got home I called him and left him a message saying I didn't like games and I didn't understand what was going on; at 1:50 I sent him an email saying that I liked to be treated good and didn't like flakiness and it was nice meeting him, but this wasn't working. He apparently was up cause he sent me an email about 20 minutes later saying that he waited for me to call him and had fallen asleep. This was odd to me cause when we spoke at about 8:30 or so he had been at his families place about 1/2 hr away from home. But anyways, he said that he didn't understand why I jumped to conclusions and so on and that he we don't know each other yet and that he thinks I'm beautiful, intelligent and special and would like us to be friends and build something... It was sweet, but he didn't really acknowledge his lack of, well, response earlier... He just said he is relaxed and taking it easy... I was really reactive and everything, I get lots of anxiety while dating, it sucks, I've had such bad experiences with guys messing with my mind that I'm afraid. I haven't told him about the emotional abuse or the guy that just used me, claiming otherwise. And I really am conscious of signals. The thing is, that with this guy the signals are mixed, he calls me a lot and is responsive, yet I feel like if he really cared he would have called me back... ya know? or am I crazy? what do you think? Link to comment
Scout Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Do you not think this guy is messing with your mind, too? My impression here is he is playing you like a piano, and getting quite a bit of amusement out of it in the process. Laughing and saying "You're feeling me, aren't you?" I would have said, "Not anymore," hung up and never talked to the jerk again. But then, I'm over the games. Are you? If not, go ahead and chase this guy, but don't expect to catch him. Link to comment
Cyberchick Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Hey there... He sounds like he's being a jerk, I'd ditch him. I know it might be hard but he's not showing you much respect. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who doesn't really treat you respectfully. What a * * * *. Link to comment
venus777 Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 he wasn't laughing when he said that. but yes, that was my worry, that he is messing with me, but I'm not totally confident that is the case. here this is his email. oh and the part about the you must be feeling me, he said i wouldn't have cared if i wasn't... Link to comment
Scout Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Oh, you're right, it was you who laughed when he said that. I still feel it was a cocky comment on his part. But it's not his words that I would be concerned about (including the words in his email) but rather, his actions. His email put every bit of blame on his flaking out on you. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Hon, the guy may be generous with his words, but that's about it. You asked us for help in the dating department. The best advice I can give you is don't waste time on the flakes! Dating is supposed to be about learning, not making the same old mistakes over and over again. Link to comment
venus777 Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 oh and also... he said that the reception wasn't that good where he was, that it might hang up on him, i don't know, maybe it isn't how it seems, ya know? i'm listening to your advice, taking it in, it definitely indicates to me that i'm not the only one that would feel this way, so that is helpful, but i also feel that he is different from other guys that i've dated in that he's called me every single day and other than yesterday has always called me back immediately... that's why it is confusing... Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Venus777, I think the guy is trying to play you, or else he is playing hard to get and he probably gets a kick out of you chasing him. I do understand how you are feeling right now and how you are trying to be ultra conscious of any signals that he might be giving off. I know what it is like to be like that. I am exactly like you. I have been burned many times in the past with past relationships, guys standing me up, etc., that now if I do go out with a guy, I tend to be ultra reactive to any signals that he may give off that he is not reliable. I will try to read at and analyze anything to see if there is an underlying message behind his actions. Like you, I am so attuned to anything that might lead me to getting hurt, but sometimes my hypervigilance causes me to read bad things out of stuff that even isnt there. Good luck. Link to comment
Miss M Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 that's why it is confusing... One way to weed out the guys who will try twist your head into a knot is to immediately walk away at the first indication that it's getting confusing. Dating is just not that complicated, and it really shouldn't be this confusing in such a short time. Your instincts are obviously telling you something's not right. You even suspected and confirmed that he was ignoring your calls when he had agreed you should call him at that time. Everything he's done has red flags all over the place, and really, you already know it... that's why you started this thread. And when you confronted him about the inconsistencies, this guy basically told you not to trust yourself. That's a very serious red flag. There is no end to the slick explanations a guy can give you if you're willing to linger while listening to that. Bottom line... confusion? ... walk away. inconsistent? ... walk away. If the very simple act of calling at a pre-agreed time is like solving a perplexing riddle?... walk away. Save yourself the headaches and move on in a speedy fashion. Link to comment
venus777 Posted February 26, 2006 Author Share Posted February 26, 2006 yes, hmmm... I called him to talk to him despite everything you all say. I know you all are trying to help me but this time my intuition doesn't feel aligned with what you all are saying. Actually, my intuition is that I care *too* much about a guy that I just dated a couple of times and if I didn't care that much I probably wouldn't have been bothered that much by what happened. It's been a long time since I met someone that I was interested in and I think my bit of desperation is coming out in that sense. I talked to him and he said that he understand what I'm saying and that he tends to be flakey even with his best friends and that he'll try not to be flakey and not make promises he can't keep. So he heard me, listened to me. He expressed the same concerns, that if it is this early and we are having this kind of problem then maybe it'll be a problem in the future, but he said that he hopes that as we get to know each other better that it won't be and he suspects it's because we don't know each other. Honestly, I'm wary of myself because I've tended to be obsessive and controlling in the past and not many people like that (especially not the strong types of guys I am attracted to), so while I've been at the receiving end of abuse, I've also dealt it. I want to have a relationship that is carefree and not like my past. He told me on the phone that he wants to try to be friends and communicate and establish something strong before we even take things to any kind of physical level, so all of what he says contradicts what everyone here is saying. Also, like I said he is very different from the people I dated in that he has been persistent about contacting me, last night was the only night he flaked like that. Now he knows I don't like that and I think I know that in the future I won't react so quickly to it, but just do my own thing and not worry about it. Fact is, I was a bit childish in my reaction, I could have just said, oh well, I'll go chill with my friends and whatever, he'll call me eventually... Link to comment
Scout Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 Ok, well you did something definitely right here: you communicated with him directly about your concerns. Good for you! I hope he will keep his word that he wants to build something with you, and I hope you won't sacrifice too much for him either. But can I please just say...his email still strikes me as insincere and not taking responsibility for flaking out on your dates. I honestly will be surprised if this guy does indeed shape up to be someone who is consistent in his actions towards you. Link to comment
Miss M Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 Venus, I agree with Scout. I've dated guys like that and they do flip-flop. I've also had that same talk, gotten those reassurances, the flattery, the sincerity, and then the guy fell right back into the same behavior... over and over. It was all just a huge waste of time. Sorry to say this all sounds very familiar to me. For your sake I'd love to be wrong about this, but I'm very skeptical. In any case, I wish you all the best. And keep us updated on how it goes. And remember we're always here for you no matter what. Link to comment
venus777 Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 third date and we just held hands!!! it was sooooo intoxicating too. hmmm... we've agreed to just keep things spontaneous and just be flexible and all, so i'm cool with that, but i really DO like him... that's the reason why i care... thank you for your advice, i'm going off your alls suggested course but my eyes are open for any trees... Link to comment
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