Need a shy guy's perspective

[Jaela]

Hi guys, needing some advice on a shy guy.

 

I met a very attractive man at a friend's birthday party a few weeks ago. We shall call him, 'M'. Apparently M taught one of my really good friends how to play hockey. I begged my friend for an introduction to M. He introduced us and M and I spoke for a few minutes. My first impressions were, he was very nervous or very shy. He didn't seem entirely comfortable and was having a hard time maintaining eye contact. M's friends came over to say they were leaving soon. M flashed me a kind of apologetic look and said, "If you would like to continue talking further, you can get my number from [friend's name here]." I admit I was disappointed he hadn't asked me for my number. I assumed he was just being polite since he hadn't seemed comfortable talking with me, so I just kind of forgot about the whole incident and wrote it off as nothing.

 

Well, about a week later my friend called me. M had contacted him wanting my number! I was kind of floored, I hadn't expected this at all. I gave my friend permission to give M my number and expectantly waited for a phone call. A few days later M called and left a message on my voice mail. Again, he sounded a little uncertain or nervous. I called him back a few days later. He was very quiet on the phone and I had to carry on most of the conversation. But, he also seemed very sweet and genuine. I asked him if he would like to call me later in the week and he did. We proceeded to talk a few times over the phone for over an hour each time. Yet he never once asked me out. The first two or three conversations were a bit stressful because i had to, for the most part, carry almost the entire conversation. But when he did open up a bit, I could see he was very intelligent and sweet.

 

Now. A lot of my guy friends know M. They grew up with him. He's their star hockey player and track runner. They are floored at the possibility of setting us up. But it's a blessing and a curse because the horror stories have started. The dirt I've obtained on M so far (and not by choice!) My friend Shari has tried to set him up with two of her friends in the past. They both gave up on him eventually because he just did not make any kind of move. My friends insist he's the nicest guy in the world, just very 'unorthodox'. Every time I see my friends, they ask me (knowingly) if M has asked me out yet. I sigh and say no. At which point they shake their heads and call him to come out (When he heard I was there he came almost immediately, even though he lives 20 minutes away). I know my friends mean well but there came a point I had to ask them to stop because it's seriously stressing me out.

 

Oh, one last thing to add. M shared a CD with me he had made. He's also a musician and his music completely impressed me (it's more or less acoustic, with him singing). Very beautiful, and I can tell this guy has got a very beautiful soul, if that makes sense? I really do like him. I will be hanging out with him tonight 'with the group' for one last time (this will be the third time we'll see each other). Depending on how well things go tonight, I was planning on going ahead and asking him out for coffee sometime, just him and I.

 

Shy guys, please help me. Is this a good idea? Will I scare him off? I try very hard to be natural and to help him relax when we're together. Well, the truth is, he's so breathtakingly good looking it makes me really nervous and shy too. I don't want to screw this up and spook him away. I'm assuming he likes me if he asked for my number. But it's so strange that we've talked at least 4 times now (for an extended time) and yet he's not asked me out. Maybe I've misread him and he's just looking for a friendship? Any ideas?

 

Ohh, one last thing to add. Last time we were on the phone he was talking more consistently. We were on a conversation about makeup and he seemed surprised to hear I didn't wear any. He then made a comment about me being 'naturally beautiful', which made me blush. Good sign, right? No? hehe... confused, ack!

[Carnatic]

It sounds like he definitely likes you. If that sounded vague it should've been simply 'He definitely does like you', that is obvious, and obvious to you too I guess I would ignore all the stuff about 'horror stories' girls giving up on him because he didn't ask them out. If I had girls interested in me and my mates were discouraging them by making out I was some kind of brick wall that couldn't be broken down I would not be very happy to say the least.

They should be encouraging you, just because he wasn't forward with other girls doesn't mean he can't be with you, a guy has to learn. I only learned to be more forward through girls constantly coming up to me, if like your M, my mates had been stopping them I would have not progressed one bit and would still go all shy whenever I was approached.

Of course, finally and most importantly. The thing you should do that the other girls didn't. Ask him out yourself, for coffee like you said. This will make his day, I'm sure and (basing this on myself) if a girl actually asked him(me) out then he(I) would feel a lot less restrained with her, knowing that she did definitely like him(me) and he(I) could loosen up and be more natural. It would also set you apart from the other girls who didn't bother to ask him out themselves, I think this might mean a lot to him.

 

So good luck with that.

[deRocket5]

Some, shy guys tend to wait until there absolutly sure that something is gonna work out, that whole fear of rejection thing. Other just want to hear it from the other girl sometimes, lol. I think there's no real harm in asking him out somewhere. The guy doesn't always have to be the one to ask the girl out, at least in thie day and age, so if you feel it, go for it. Also, don't listen to things other people say. No matter how close they are to you, they could just be misinformed or have heard a story from one of his enemies (not that he has any, but i think you can see the point).

 

So just go for it, cause waiting forever never bodes well, lol, GOOD LUCK!

 

-derocket5-

[TiredMan]

How come you didn't get his number from your friend like he suggested? Just because he is the male, he doesn't have to make the moves no?

[Jaela]

Because he didnt seem interested in me at that point. The guy wasn't even looking me in the face while we were talking. I thought he was only trying to be polite when he mentioned the whole number thing. I didn't realize he really meant it until he contacted me.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies, they are very insightful and encouraging. I'm going to try to work out the courage to ask him out tonight (while trying not to faint in the process). Thank you to those who've extended their well wishes.

 

* crosses fingers and takes deep breath *

[TiredMan]

well i hope it works out.

 

But you did say you knew he was very shy. So him not looking you in the eye shouldn't be a surprise. I sometimes do that too depending on how I feel. Sometimes it's shyness but usually my mind is constantly distracted by things.

 

Good luck.

[ezz]

Sounds familiar. Probably this advice comes a little after the fact (you probably already went out with him and know him better - hope it worked out well!). Anyway, I would like to give you some insight. He being shy can mean he doesn't think he is that handsome. Some people get more handsome with the years and don't realize it because they still think they don't look so good. If he is shy and doesn't look you in the eye, yet tries to get your number from one of his friends, I'd say it's a definite sign he likes you. He being shy probably means he thinks you are pretty (maybe too pretty for him). He may think that you will be thinking he just wants one thing, if he appears too interested in you too quickly. That may be why he is being careful. If he is intelligent, he probably realizes that... he probably knows that girls might get turned off by too sudden advances, and he gets too careful. By the way, keep in mind, even some very handsome guys might still be virgin... especially shy ones. He is probably looking for some sweet and pretty girl that isn't like all the rest, who loves him and wants to stay with him. So take your time, appear natural and sweet to him, and show him you are interested in just him. Who knows, he will open up suddenly. I'm pretty sure he would, and after that you could have a wonderful relationship. It may take some time. Good luck.

[Jaela]

Hi guys, here's an update on my situation. I met up with M friday evening with a group of friends. We were going to see a movie. I dressed up really pretty and I think M definitely noticed. Two of our friends were late so our group of 10 people had to squeeze into the movie theater late -- only to find almost every single seat was taken! We ended up in the second row, haha. After twisting ourselves like a pretzel and craning our necks, we sat back to enjoy the film. M sat next to me. The movie was ridiculously stupid, (Date Movie) but also a great ice breaker in getting everyone to relax and laugh. During the movie I slipped M some candy that I thought he might enjoy. (He told me once on the phone he loved peanut butter, so I bought him Reeses before going to the show and stuffed them in my purse). He seemed touched and happy I had guessed his favorite candy.

 

After the movie we all went accross the street to a brew pub. M was definitely out of his element. Its obvious he really meant it when he told me he doesn't go out much. I don't know if it was all the people around or what, but he seemed very tense and nervous. He's not much of a drinker but he sweetly ordered himself and I a drink. More of our mutual friends started showing up, but I stayed by M's side the whole evening. At times it was frusterating because he kept talking very quietly and almost seemed as if he was fading out on his answers. At one point he started wringing his hands a bit and I almost panicked thinking maybe it was all too much too soon for him. I listened to my instincts though and calmly talked with him all evening. At times he was opening up a bit and other times he was receding back into his shell. I tried not to feel frusterated and when our friends suggested hopping to another bar, I declined. I knew if they left, it would give M and I a chance to be more alone and perhaps he might be a bit more comfortable.

 

So our huge group of friends left and M and I talked for another hour or two. Things slowly started feeling less tense between us, although he never seemed entirely at ease. He has a bit of a social awkwardness and I'm not sure if that stems from severe shyness?

 

More things I learned about M; he was a twin who had 3 brothers and 2 sisters, his older brother went to Berkeley for music (which explains his exceptional talent with his own singing and song writing -- it must run in the family!) He was a Catholic boy but had very strong and intelligent opinions about organized religion in general. He loved to read and most nights he was either at home playing music, reading or watching a foreign film. He is so exceptionally bright. Its frusterating because I see such a beautiful mind underneath all the shyness and social awkwardness.

 

My friend Shari told me her friends gave up on M because he wasn't "physically enough" with them. Little does Shari know but I actually find that very endearing.

 

Anyway, M and I eventually left the brew pub because it was getting very late and I knew he had to drive back into the city to get home. We had a mini blizzard that evening so he helped me brush the snow off my car, gave me a hug and firmly ordered me inside my car where it was warm. (There were ultra freezing temperatures that night, I had forgotten my gloves and my fingers were all ready numb so I obliged). I asked him to call me as soon as he got home, to make sure he arrived safely.

 

The next day M wrote me an email thanking me for inviting him out, and said he had a wonderful time. He apologized if he had seemed tense and admitted he had been nervous. We've made plans to see each other again. I'm going over to his house on Wednesday actually to teach him some exercises and yoga asanas. As a runner he has an injury in his leg and I told him I thought I knew some things that might help. So I'll be visiting his home for the first time and I'm looking very much forward to that.

 

Now. M is definitely an unusual persona. He is very sweet and almost innnocent. However, I've never met anyone with such an extreme amount of shyness in my life. I did notice he is opening up to me more and more on the telephone and not clamming up so much. I was very pleased that he led almost the entire conversation the last time we talked over the phone. So my hope is to eventually get him to that point in person as well. I see such a beautiful personality in there! I really hope one day it will shine through.

 

Thank you everyone for reading. I apologize for the length of this post. Any other insight/advice is always appreciated. I've never dealt with such extreme shyness before so receiving different perspectives is quite enlightening.

[ezz]

Your guy M is one of the people that they call "highly gifted". It is very common for these people to be very shy. The more intelligent, the less social abilities. It doesn't mean M can't be social; he just never was before and needs to learn. This comes with time. He likes to sit at home, read, study, learn new things. Highly gifted persons are ALWAYS learning new things; they do not sit still, and they generally do not go to bars unless there is a real important reason to. They are also creative; which explains his music. They want to use their free time optimally, and because they are creative, that means they are usually doing things at home rather than go out with friends to a bar. But there is most likely nothing "wrong" with M.

 

Some people find out they are highly gifted, and then they learn to live with the fact and loose their shyness. But many others never find out what's "wrong" with them; they just know they don't fit in with the rest of the people and become shy and reclusive.

 

I really hope this will work out between the two of you, because a guy like this you won't find everywhere, and let me tell you, these are the type of guys that would never hurt you or cheat on you! They are too intelligent to make such mistakes, and if things wouldn't work out well, they would talk about it rather than being mean.

 

You going to his house will be good. You will probably see that he is quite a different person there, albeit maybe still uncomfortable with you. That is probably just because he never had a gf before, so take your time. Also, this may sound a bit weird but... if you decide to kiss, be very open about it, or he may crawl back into his shell because he's too nervous. He probably can't wait to kiss and cuddle, but you may have to literally ask him to.

 

He will probably love to watch a movie with you together in his room. Make it romantic, just the two of you, and avoid going to places with many other friends with him until the two of you know eachother much better. And show a LOT of interest in his hobbies and such; he will shine and give you the attention you need too.

 

If you manage to keep your patience with him, he will in some way let you know he's very happy with you.

 

Let us know how things go! Good luck.

[epilogue]

I think a lot of people will learn from the experience you shared, Jaela

 

When a guy wants your phone #, teaches you hockey, shares music, and still sees you have 2+ weeks, you should never doubt that he has lost interest.

 

If anything, I'd say that it's only because he liked Jaela so much that he became overcautious with making sure Jaela wouldn't judge him badly/wrongly. Because nothing sucks more than to permanently mess up all strings/opportunities to get to know someone who might be the destined significant other.

 

This is a question out of curiosity to girls: When you guys say "he isn't physical enough," is it because you asked him to touch you and he said "no."? Or is it because you didn't take the time and effort like Jaela did? Or maybe it's because you don't like shy guys as well as non-physical guys -_-?? haha

[ShySoul]

As a shy guy who sees much of myself in "M" I can say that he is worth all the wait. From my standpoint, and I think "M's" as well, we take a long time to open up. We go slowly and don't rush, want things to go right. We get nervous easily. Even when we like the girl, we are not comfortable expressing it that much, unsure of ourselves and what to do. But when we finally do open up and get comfortable, we will love a girl like no other. We give our heart and soul into it. We will never do anything to hurt her, at least not intentionally and we will be very apologetic if it happens on accident. The love from a shy guy can know no bounds.

[Jaela]

Hi guys. I just wanted to drop in real quick with an update. M and I are talking very consistently now. In fact, we keep each other up most nights gabbing on the phone. What a little chatter box he has turned out to be! Today is our first lovely warm day in western New York, so we are heading to the zoo for an afternoon of soaking in the sorely missed sun. Afterwards I may suggest a romantic Thai dinner together if he's still interested in hanging out a bit longer. Needless to say, I've become irresistibly attracted to my shy guy. He has become a wonderful blessing in my life. His beautiful personality is shining through more and more each moment we're spending together.

 

Up to this point I've purposely been moving things along very slowly, something he has been very respectful of. But I may at some point come clean very, very soon and 'fess up to my true feelings towards him. (But...I have a suspicion he all ready knows.)

[deRocket5]

Well congratulations!

 

Hope everything keeps going so well, keep us posted.

 

-xguardianofdrx-

[Carnatic]

That's great news. I hope things continue to go so well, and it's heartening to see arguments that guys can be nice and still get the girl be vindicated Thanks

[ShySoul]

 

 

Congratulations. I'm happy that everything is going so well. Best of luck to you two.

[Jaela]

Well. If my shy guy had any doubts on my feelings towards him, they were certainly made much clearer this past weekend. (I didn't completely molest him. Just a little bit. Ahem.) He did kiss me for the first time this past weekend, which was a wonderful milestone for us.

 

This Saturday he has asked me out on our first official date to see a ballet performance of Don Quixote at a local theatre. I'm delighted to accompany him and am looking very much forward to it.

 

So far, so good. \\

[shelbymustang_fan]

Hi Jaela. As a shy guy, I can say that you handled the situation very well. I am one of those shy / intelligiant / eventually talkative people like M. I have never experienced much success with women, but I think it is there loss, and not mine. They are never patient enough for me. I too am very tense at social events...especially with a new woman. Sometimes I'm so tense that my neck and shoulders knot up within minutes. You know what they say...Anything worthwhile is worth waiting for.

 

Oh yeah, Where are all the other women like you????